Grief is a lot like the ocean
Calm and still, everything is fine. Acceptance. I gaze upon and see the good memories like the sun rising on the horizon

Until the waves start crashing
Pulling me under and I cannot breathe, think, move as I gasp for air.

So quickly the tide changes, in a blink of an eye everything I've lost is staring back at me while the violent storm brews and I can't seem to resurface again

Until the next storm...

There's something inexplicable
about the way
they make you feel




nothing.

Happiness is fleeting
but
you are your own mistake
you keep repeating.

one of these nights
might turn out right
if you keep your mouth shut
like the door you're always
finding yourself behind
with your back against the wood,
muscles tensing
as you knew they would.


Nose bleeding-
when is the last time you ate?
It took you an hour to get ready but
no one can see all your hard work
in the shade.

"baby, you look great"
is all you wanted to grace you ears
but you've got too much on your plate
and there are only couples here.

They will pay you no mind
and you will begin to feel
you might have been left behind.

you pretend you aren't hungry
because it seems more grungy.
cigarettes will stain your teeth
and smoke will spin circles at your feet
as you sway alone;

always hanging in the wings
you're looking for another drink
another triple shot
and you sink deeper into
the half-assed hope
that this will be a night
you forgot.

Just more meaningless crumbs
of these evening hours
accumulating into an unusable mass
of dried out nights

exaggerate another fight
you had with your mind-
what will you do when they call you out
for being lower than the grout
in the bathroom
baby face like you just came out of the womb
your knife is duller than
your conversation topic
you're a fake-
From a mile away can you be spotted.

Drained of inspiration
plagued by perpetual consternation
what will you sample next
on your way to a falsified elation.

Spending weeks away dragon chasing-
How long will you be on mental vacation?
They're growing impatient.

C.e.M. 12.21.2014

You're sparkly and light like a soda pop
But you fill my head with a fuzz
When I drink you, I never want to stop
I just want to keep building my buzz

And at times, I cheat on you with whiskey
Sometimes *****, tequila, or ***
But I know when I'm gone that you miss me
And I'm sorry for for being so dumb

You're perfect for burgers or pizza
And sometimes, you're great on your own
But when I drink, I usually don't eat much
I'd rather get full on the foam

Dear Beer, you are such an old, dear friend
I've known you and loved you so long
You're always there for me to depend
Thank you sweet beer, and my ****

Everything in my home is you
It's all attached to some part of us
Some memory of things we went through
You too remember, I trust

Every day we spent is engraved in my brain
The places that we've been, things we've seen
That time that we made love outside in the rain
First kiss, last, and everything between

Each night you slept so entangled in me
And you'd get lost for hours in my eyes
I still don't understand how our end came to be
I was so unprepared for our goodbyes

Every time I would wrap my hand into yours
I'd feel safe from everything bad
But now I feel like your heart's behind closed doors
I just want back all of what I had

I look at that spot where you always used to sit
And I can still see you looking right at me
But I break down into tears when I think of it
This house is so stained with your memory

I can't escape this sadness
I know because I've tried
Trying to fill the emptiness inside of you
Is like trying to finish a puzzle with a missing piece
An empty void, no perfect fit.
No right answer, no words that will fulfill or fix these broken pieces
That I call my life
This is reality, it's no nightmare I can wake up from
They tell you can achieve whatever you put your heart too
But they don't tell you you'll lose everything that matters along the way.
Growing up is a *****, a lesson I wish I could unlearn
So many moments  I wish I could undo
Can we hit the pause button so I can try to make sense of the misery inside of me that won't seem to die
Or lessen or be forgotten.
Because I need a moment to take this **** hole in
And process it, and accept it
But the truth is I never will
Because The life I've been dealt is incomprehensible
And it's something I've chosen to push into the corners of my thoughts
I only feel it's cold grip when I feel this vulnerable
A feeling I wish I could be without
So I'll do anything to keep it out
Because id rather hear anything but the truth.
That your gone and have left me to lead this life without you.