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KT Dec 2018
I guess I knew it in the same way I used to know
Most things like that back then
In that moment I saw the future
I saw the wanting and I saw the never quite having
I just never saw it ending up like this

The time you missed three exits
Because you were looking over at me
I thought maybe, just maybe
There was hope for us

*** is not a band-aid
I learned that lesson the hard way that night
In an unfamiliar dorm room
Just outside the city
A million lives in that skyline
I wondered if anyone else had ever felt
That lonely before

A year of ignoring you
For a fleeting second of
Being almost yours

There are mountains in my mind
And sunshine on your shoulder
I hope that no matter what
You always remember that night
As the beginning

If you google the distance
Between Montreal and New York City
You’ll know exactly how long it took for us to fall apart
And if you count the number of days
Between when you told me you cared
And when I found myself in another boy’s bed
You’ll know exactly how badly broken I was
When you changed your mind

It makes my heart drop
When I think about
How six months ago you were a stranger
How two months ago you knew more
About what I loved than anyone else
How when I pass you on the sidewalk now
I look down

When I think back to that night
I can still almost picture the rivulets of Prosecco
Trickling down the sides of our champagne glasses
Can still almost hear the thumping bass
That shook the walls of that ***** bar
Can still almost feel how it matched my heartbeat
It was a night full of almosts
I guess I should have known even then
That almost is never enough

It is October
I sit in class and listen to my Professor
Read us Junot Diaz
“And that’s when I know it’s over.
As soon as you start thinking
About the beginning,
It’s the end.”
I can feel my breath leave my lungs
As my mind takes me back to a time
When my hair was light
And it was September
And you first caught my eye
And that is

So, this is how you lose him after all
Not in one singular moment
But piece by piece
A little bit at a time
Until even his ghost isn’t
Yours anymore
KT Oct 2018
The hummingbird in the dirt
The paints in the drawer
The nightgowns all given away
I can’t feel you here anymore

The boxes in the closet
The pictures on the dash
Your jacket in the drawer
How I wish you could come back

The roses on the coffin
Your husband in the car
I used to feel you here with me
But these days you're among the stars
KT Sep 2018
once upon a time i was the girl who wanted it all. the husband, the family, the backyard garden, the proverbial white picket fence. when he cracked my heart wide open i let go of those wishes, let go of all the ideas of splendid normalcy i had always dreamed of. for the next three years i spit fire, screamed into the wind, and belonged to no one but myself. i was there one minute and gone the next, collecting the hearts of those unfortunate enough to love me, leaving with no remorse, and never looking back for even a second. i was cold, but i was also content. there was nothing to take, nothing to destroy. from my broken emptiness i once more made myself whole. i laughed at the idea of domesticity, i belonged to the wild thing inside of me. i dreamed of a better life, one of a wanderer. i wanted no attachments, nothing to hold me down or keep me in one place. and then i met him. from the very first day i knew my running was over. one look into his chocolate brown eyes and i felt the wind leave my sails, felt my feet touch the solid rock of the earth for the first time since i was sixteen years old. suddenly, all the progress i had made, all of the walls i had constructed around my heart, crumbled. once again i stood, heart in hand, at the mercy of another boy, who i knew in my heart of hearts, would never love me the way i needed him to. it would be months before i realized how deep i had fallen, how quickly i had once again become the same naive fourteen year old who had worn a t-shirt in the pool, had stifled her own interests, had closed her mouth in hopes of being wanted. now here i stand, on the precipice of both freedom and loss, finally admitting to myself that i never stopped wanting a genuine human connection. letting myself hope for rainy Friday nights in bed, my head on his chest, his hands in my hair. dreaming of being held like i’m the most precious thing in his world. letting myself wish for shared birthdays, showers, and hopes and dreams. once more learning that just because you give up on love, that doesn’t mean it gives up on you.
KT Sep 2018
I’ll never forget the skyline that night
The way the pinks and purples bled across the horizon
Or the shadowy crisscrosses of the Girard Point bridge in the distance
5 lanes and Your Song on repeat
The emptiness I felt was like nothing I’d ever experienced before
With the black lace still damp against my body and the smell of saliva still potent on my hand
I told myself that with my contacts in I could pretend to be watching someone else from above
I could make believe that it was a different girl with her back arched as a boy she barely knew made a home inside her
All I thought of the whole time was you
With his mouth all over me I imagined your tongue on my *******
I cried silent tears for 63 miles that night
And then scrubbed my skin raw
Called your best friend and accepted her judgement as my penance
****** in all the hurt when she told me what I already knew-that you would never look at me in the same way again
I hope you never have to wrap your arms around yourself so you don’t fall apart
I hope you’re never so lonely that you give away the thing that means the most to you for an hour of closeness
My darling, just because someone’s been inside of you doesn’t mean they’ll make sure you got home okay
Just because you’ve had someone else in your mouth doesn’t mean you’ll want the man you really desire any less
*** is not a band-aid
I learned that lesson the hard way that night in an unfamiliar dorm room off of I-95
Pinks and purples that matched the fingerprints on my arms playing against the buildings in the distance
A million lives in that skyline
I wondered if anyone else had ever felt this lonely before

— The End —