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I was there
When she cried

I sat there
Just holding her

When she screamed
I froze

I didn't know how to handle her unravel
I didn't know how to sew her back together

For you see
My own thread was worn

My own stitches were coming apart
From years of too-tight hugs

My button eyes coming undone
From all the pain I've seen you go through

My ratty fur matted wet from tears
You dried on my corduroy skin

I still feel it
The bite marks on the back of my head
from where you clenched your jaw so hard around my nylon flesh

You screamed into my stuffed brain so loud
you reverberated my neurons of synthetic polyester cotton mix

The best thing about being your teddy bear
Was being there for you

Making you happy when you cried
Laugh when you were down

You thought I was a Russian bear warrior,
You named my Mishka
It was coolest thing ever
You thought I was invincible

Until you grew up.

You stopped having me around as often
You grew up as I wore down

Your problems where not tears I could wipe away
My stitched smile could not spread to your face anymore
My button eyes, the ones once so polished that they gleamed,
Now dull and scratched

You threw me when you were angry
Squeezed me when you sobbed
Locked me up in closets
Hid your childish joy from sight

I guess that's the thing about being your childhood best friend.
I only lasted in your childhood
I haven't left my house or showered or been outside or opened my blinds in a week and a half. I feel like a limp noodle, I have no motivation to do anything. I haven't been to work and I have canceled counseling twice. I feel ill if my mother tries to make me eat more than once a day. I wonder if anyone notices what's happening to me. I wonder if anyone knows the pain gnawing at my heart and causing this lump in my throat. I wonder if they care.

Every little thing is hurting me. The way that others think of me, the way they speak of me, the way they ignore me, the way they treat me. Everything is just there in my head, swirling around over and over. How needy I am, how annoying I am, how I can't control my drinking, how over-emotional and dramatic I am.

I wonder if anyone knows why the things that they say and think and feel about me effect me so much. Because it's me that they don't like. It's me that they're insulting. You can ask me to change and I can act different, but it's still me. I deal with it every day. I feel every emotion to the very bottom of me. There's no reaction that I act out that doesn't express exactly how I am feeling. My emotions run deep to the core of me. If they say that I am too much, I simply am. That is me, exactly. I can't bare myself at times; Imagine being me every day.

So why not just love me and accept me for being so entirely honest and so real. I'm something hard to fathom, I understand, but all I am is all I ever were and all that I can be. I have masked myself for everyone "I'm fine. I'm always fine." Don't let me deceive you, it's my favorite line. Inside I am crying, inside I am dying and on the outside I'm lying. Understand this; My tears are all dried up and I have ****** back into myself to please you. I am trying so hard to provide the silence that you have requested; so don't ask me why I've disappeared. Don't ask me why I am wasting my life away in a 'cave'. Don't ask me why I won't come out. Don't ask me why I won't speak or smile or cry or yell. Don't ask me why I am lacking emotion. Notice, but don't ask.

I will tell you once again. There is nothing that I feel that does not entirely devour me. Nothing that I feel that doesn't consume my every thought and every second of my existence. You told me to be silent. You asked me to stop feeling the way that I do. So I have emptied myself, to the bottom of me, just to please all of you.

k.d.
I want to learn to be the girl that is so numb, that she can forget her past and move along as though nothing has ever happened to her in life. Just a clean slate; passing through life. Taking each day as it comes with no memories and no preconceived notions about the world and the people that occupy it. The girl too careless to react or over-react. The girl so uninvolved that she dare not take chances and risk ******* things up. The girl that is just there, un-noticed. Then I could play the part of someone that others can get used to having around. Then I could be content with myself.

k.d.
Look inside myself
to find
what is decaying me,
rotting me,
eating at my soul.

Rid myself of it.
Rip it from it's home
where it has become
so comfortably warm.

But once I find it;
rationalize with
whatever it may be.

Once I know
what hides within me;
if I let it go,
I'll surely feel worn
and even without it
I'll always be torn.

*k.d.
"Love me," she whispers.
"Love me," louder as she grabs at them.
"Love me," she cries.
Again and again, night after night.
Hit after hit, high after high.
Tear after tear and guy after guy.
Never once satisfied.
Sitting home alone, she cries.

Easy to judge her.
"No one will love her."
Bitter words from hateful mouths.
Oh so needy, "please just love me"
All she cries as you lay her down.

No love for that girl.
Give her a quick whirl,
Then we pass her to the next.
She hates everyone, mad at the world.
Wanders around with her head so vex.

Hard to understand her,
Easy to demand her,
"Do this! Do that!"
As she will.

Everyone watches and waits for the time bomb, everyone wants to see her fail. She's something to look at and something to speak of, without her, where is the thrill?

But what people don't notice, what they don't realize, is that she's hurting behind the pills.

Those cries aren't pleasure, they are pain. She's looking for something that drives her insane.

Searching for love in such a wrong place and can't even see it when it's in her face. It's never a search, really more of a chase. You can tell she's the girl when she's in that place.

The cries aren't from passion.
They are from confusion, but she'll make you ignore it, call it illusion.

She is that girl that no man understands, the girl who is fragile and always in wrong hands. The needy girl always searching for love, hoping that someone is hearing above.

She's sick and twisted and at other times sane, she bottles her pain as she hears them say her name. Never good news, but it's part of the fame. We all know this girl will always hang her head in shame.

Everyone has baggage, but this girl's is quite a lot.
People open her bags up and run once they see what she's got.

But I know this girl when I give it some thought,
we treat her so nasty and do it a lot. We aren't helping her, because it's nobody's problem. Someone has something we want, then we rob them. You have got to latch on to what you want in this life, whether it is wrong, or if it is right.

Remember that girl, by the end of the night. She won't make a fuss, she won't try to fight. She'll just keep moaning "love me" But really, who cares? You can see when you touch her she's not really there.

This story is troubling and very much true, but this girl is me.
What if she was you?

*kd
He runs,
but cannot hide.
Squeezes his eyes shut
but cannot unsee
What he
has seen.
The image of his mother's face
Flashes
Behind his scrunched eyelids.
Blood trickling...
From the corner
of her mouth
where he
slapped
her.

Fear builds in his heart
It claws
Up
His throat.

The pressure behind his eyes threaten
Tears
To burn down his cheeks.

His heart
Pounds
Against his rib cage
He curls his knees
Up to his chest
To contain his heart
From breaking free.

So small
He ***** up,
trying
trying
To disappear.
Just
praying
praying
That it will end,
Somehow
Someway.
That it will end
Someday
Criticism is welcomed, I'm looking to improve my poetry.
Words hammer behind my teeth
They are cracking

I yearn for your love
But you leave me lacking

I crave soft touch
Only I can't find the right one

Good and evil
waged war in my soul
I can't decide which won

I can't lie like you always have
I'll admit it- I'll tell you true

You hurt me
Deceived me
But still,
I want you

Gather my pieces
Piece me back together

I guess that was another lie,
When you said "forever"

I am your dog on your leash
Go ahead, drag me around

I'm sniffing for my dignity
It can't be found
Criticism is welcomed, I'm looking to improve my poetry.
Your planetary pull
Pulls me apart

One ends in self dignity
The other in worshiping your beauty

The thought of you still wanders across my mind
Trekking across the wilderness

Searching for the love
That never was
And never will be (:
I line up my pins
Stand back
Admire them
Just to knock them down
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