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Kayla Perkins Nov 2020
I'm all alone
Its like this world has a way of reminding me of that.
I can fill my life with people
But when I lay down to sleep
Even next to the one I love
I slip into my mind.
Disney never told me
That the knight in shining armor
Can't save me from my nightmares. Slaying dragons?
Can't you slay my demons?
I'm not locked inside a tower
But I'm locked inside my mind. Banging on the walls
Screaming to get out.
But you know what?
No one can hear me in there.
The screams drive me nuts
But no one else hears a thing.
You might think I'm crazy
But if you stayed for eternity
You'd go crazy too.
It's unfair of me to put that burden on someone else.
It's unfair to expect that anyone can save me from my thoughts.
It's unfair to expect anyone to understand.
I cling to people hoping that somehow if I hold tight enough
That I can bring them with me.
That the warmth of their touch
Will somehow ward off the cold, dark, endless horror.
That the screaming in my head will silence
Bc I have someone who's finally heard me.
Maybe the demons will stray if they realize I'm not alone.
They taunt me.
Like a school ground fight at the flagpole.
But maybe if someone could stand up for me.
Step into my circle and help me up. Maybe then they would stop.
Taunting and beating and laughing. They like to see me fail.
I can't help but think if only I wasn't a failure..
If somehow I'm the one who's supposed to save myself.
If i just stop failing for one second. Maybe I'm my knight in shining armor.
Why didn't Disney write about that?
I guess "Save yourself" wouldn't be a very good title.
But they would've in turn saved me.
Kayla Perkins Aug 2020
I'm an artist too
But instead of painting trees
It's my skin that I use
To craft my masterpiece

I'm a poet too
But the way I write my scars
They sink into my body
They sink into my heart

I'm a liar too
I can look you in the eyes
And tell you just how much
I love to be alive

See? I fit right in...
Kayla Perkins May 2020
Staring at blank pages
Wanting to write again
Staring at my phone
Hoping for a friend

At least out of this
I've gotten one of two
For I could write a thousand pages
Before I could count on you
Kayla Perkins May 2020
I'm afraid I'm not so good at this writing thing
Everyone seems to have a way with words

I just chatter on til i feel like my soul is free
Or maybe, it's til my soul reveals that it's empty

Either way

What was I saying again..?

Oh yea,

I'm afraid I'm not so good at this writing thing
Kayla Perkins May 2020
Don't cry little girl it'll ruin your makeup 
Fake it like we've taught you and smile with pride
Pretend you're happy every morning you wakeup 
And don't you dare let them see that youre dying inside

Swipe the brush across the face and wipe away the tears
Paint your eyes, glue fake lashes and color your smile red
You've been here all this time what's a few more years
And whatever you do don't let them know that you wish that you were dead

Wax repeat wax repeat 
It keeps growing back
Dye your hair
Paint your lashes
Til your tears run black

Drink this, don't eat that 
Smile pretty, **** in your gut
Go workout, you're getting fat 
And make sure to tighten that ****

Face mask, manicure
Bikini wax, pedicure
Fake tan, hair spray
Just do what we say

Follow the steps 
Its an easy guide
We tell you how to look
As you die inside 

But at least your corpse is beautiful
I know it doesn't flow so well but the point behind it is what I love
Kayla Perkins Jun 2019
When you think of me I hope that you smile,
not think about how i suffered for a while ..
I'm sorry I couldn't get better
This is my suicide letter...

Please know its not your fault you never could've known
but this sadness has lingered far too long and secretly had grown.
I couldn't tell you tho, cuz i didn't have the heart,
i couldnt bear to see it in your eyes when i told you we would part.
Don't ever think that you weren't enough, i swear you almost saved me.
But this world is so corrupt, please know that i love you baby...
And mother don't waste a prayer on me, I'm unsavable.
I tried to help myself but I'm incapable.  
No meds no therapist no ******* psych ward,
Nothing could save me not even your dear Lord
Your unconditional love was unbelievable
Your kindness and big heart, unbeatable
And to my father, I know im appearing weak
I'm sorry I couldn't be strong like you raised me to be
You showed me discipline but also affection
It's not your fault I took to this direction
To my sister, you were always there for me
I was psychotic and you made me feel accepted and free
I will never forget how understanding you were
But the rest of my life feels like a ****** up blur
To my brother, you protected me and were my inspiration
Teaching me what you knew and your beautiful dedication
I couldn't have asked for better surroundings to grow up by
I know you're reading this and asking "then, why?"

I dont even ******* know...

There's no way to explain this empty pit in me
There's no end in sight to this dark misery
I'm surrounded by loved ones yet i feel alone
I feel darkness deep inside and cold to the bone
Let these cuts release the demons that have made me this way
I'll be free from this world before tonight turns to day
The world will keep spinning and nothing will change
My soul will be free as just my body remains
Be happy for me cuz I escaped the dark
And now i can stay peacefully in your hearts

Thank you all for trying your best
But now i must go, and put my soul to rest
Kayla Perkins Mar 2019
This is my life.
I will not let you take my identity
Just bc my life is riddled with your memories does not mean you are a part of me.
You're only a lesson I have learned and a reason to never look back.
I do deserve better.
And you? You deserve to get exactly what you dished out.
Don't worry sweetie, if you think you were so perfect you have nothing to worry about,

Oh Karma♡
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