i am growing
older
still

(for i have
carried
on)

It was January when I wished to have an adventure
Like climbing a mountain; just being one with nature
But you seemed disinterested. You didn't make plans with me.
You simply said, "Don't worry. Someday. Maybe."

On Feb fourteenth, I made some chocolate parfait
Hoping we can enjoy the love-is-in-the-air day.
But you wrote me, "There are some things you have to let go."
And I thought to myself, yes some things, but not you. No.

On March, there was a pile of school stuff to work on.
Everyone was so busy to even sing me a birthday song.
As I entered the room, you just smiled and said "Hi."
And that left me thinking you forgot that today is my...sigh

End of sem, 'twas posted. Yes, we passed the exam!
With tears of joy, I gave thanks for a job well done.
I so wanted to celebrate that joyous moment with you.
But you weren't there. Worse, there was no one to talk to.

It sounds heart-breaking to know how cold you treated me.
But wait, there's more- I'm not yet done telling this story.
There were things that didn't turn out as I wanted it to be.
What happened next sums up how you ruined it perfectly.

You didn't plan that trip with me 'cause you wanted a surprise.
One day in January, you brought me to nature's paradise.
Hours of climbing up the mountains, alas we have arrived.
And that 'someday' you told me then, is a dead word given life.

I flipped that letter on valentines, and read what's written next.
"...except lollipops. Everybody loves it", that's the following text.
You said I should let go of the things that made me bitter.
And that you'd never leave me, come worse, or even better.

On my birthday, I managed to say "Hello" but nothing more.
Then I saw your doodle greeting posted on my backdoor.
"Happy birthday dear", it says. That made my day brighter.
Turns out you've worked overtime on that since two nights prior!

You went home that night when the exam results were posted.
I wasn't in the mood to talk. I'd rather sleep on my bed.
Then you placed on the table, this fruit you brought from the city.
So that's why you were missing! You bought a delish gift for me!

Looking back, I can't complain on how sad I felt initially
'Cause when I felt so down, you never failed to uplift me.
And if being with you means my every plan will not happen,
Then I'd bravely take that risk and live along these lovely ruins.

Science says your pupils dilate
when something of interest
enters your field of vision.

I suppose that makes sense,
because when I see you
everything else disappears.

You're the only thing there
and I'm sure my eyes widen
because they want to take you in.

Everything from the curve of your lips
to the lingering gaze of your eyes,
I have to have it all.

And when you walk away,
I know my eyes must constrict--
suddenly the world is smaller.

I long to meet a Guinevere
So many poems I'd pen
Like Guinevere by the Azure Mere
Or simply, My Sweet Gwen

I taste the sound of Guinevere
Tis salt upon my lips
Perhaps she'd be my Gwenhwyfar
Sweet wine of Arthur's sips

Smooth and fair my Guinevere
Of her so many songs be sung
I'd love you o'er and o'er, my dear
Tomorrow I'd have ye hung.

r ~ 4/22/14

One word
You said "ditto."
That word shattered my heart
Because it took courage to say
(I) love you

I wish to write a poem
that no one ever heard, read
I wish to write a poem
that no one will ever hear or read
...not even you

I wish to write that poem
beginning from your neck
going down your back
sending chills down your spine
currents through your body
breaking the wall
penetrating deeper into your soul

I wish to write that poem
that can only be felt

Days have passed,
I sit and stare,
At the phone,
But why do I care?

You came like a shooting star,
You never promised you’d stay,
I pre assumed it for myself,
That you wanted me and I granted you may.

I was such an idiot,
To give you my all,
I gave you till the brim,
To face this day,when you shall never call?

I still try and flush you,
Out of my mind,
Sometimes It works,
But its not that im blind.

We were like a candle
Spreading light,
Our faces glowing so bright,
We were happy,we were kind,
You flickered it,
What a plight?

O' thee mastermind
You tried to end this
On a note you sound guilty
Gratefully,you had a girl like me
I made sure you don’t feel filthy

******
PITY

These words keep creeping me out
My demons take your side
They come ina stride.
They say I ,myself am a doubt.

I neverdenied not giving
You what you always craved for
I had some rational reasons,
Your tendencies grew more and  more.

My kisses are all that
You wanted
My skin is all that
You longed to feel
With your lascivious eyes
I permitted you to see me
I don’t know you actually saw me
Or saw through me?
My hugs are all you wanted
As a hallmark to our thing

Oh lord,why on earth
Did I fall so hard for a guy
As pervert as you,
Bcus all the reasons why
Left me
Were mere reasons to please your pal.

I was meant to be crushed
You planned my stampede of emotions
Yet,I gave you the key to my heart
And allowed you to rob me wholly?



OH,HOW VULNERABLE WAS I?

Bcus we never
Got physically
Intimate,just like your best friend had,
I was ridiculed and punished relentlessly,
Till I could badly corrode.

You were corrupt,young man!
You are a delaer,**** it!
You hollowed me,I’m empty!
This void that spaces me out
From merry people,kills my insides,
Alas! My murderer for love/boys
Shall never be convicted,for sure.

Rather I’d invite you to the
Cortege of a young
Girl you once
Pretended to love,
And ended up
Suffocating her to death,
Not entirely though,
She still lives,
Partially.
She still fakes a smile.
She still forces a laugh.
Assures herself,she ‘s mature
Enough to go on.
YES,I’m half way there.

But all of me
Loved all of you
And now,when a part of me
Is turning into smoke,
When I dreamt of ‘I dos’
Today I pronounce you
‘guilty as charged’
For hurting me so hard for
Not pleasing  your greedy senses,
Leaving me so
Unpalatable.
When I look at myself
In the mirror
Not that I used to smile everyday
Looking at my reflection.
But this day,
I glare at myself,
Parts of me you wanted to
Touch,
*****,
Feel
And smile.
Im left disgusted, do you even realize
I feel like a ***** *****
how I used to get ready to please you,
and you never appreciated it?
Yeaahhh,now I get you,you never
Liked me with clothes on,isn’t it?
It feels like
Getting ready
To be your meal
Satisfying your hunger
Am I that puerile ?
That silly?
I poured  these things
from me to you
And hope
they will suffice .

I hold you guilty,
Yet release you
Bcus again thankfully,
You were once loved by a girl,
You felt was naïve,
Is strong enough to pardon you,
I don’t know if it’s a
Blessing or a curse,
But hwat I had was true,
And all this time your feelings were strew.

Disgusted,
Definitely,
But certainly,
Not
Destroyed!

I was your cure
but you were my disease
I was saving you
but you were killing me