i could spend the rest of my life
crying for you
flood the world over
a time or two

our souls will probably wind up in the same cemetery.
two plots away.
too far to roll in my grave and see you.
just barely out of touch.
close,
but never quite close enough.

and they say

                    time heals hearts

but it feels like

                    my clock stopped.

i was put on death row
the day we met.
november 12, 2014
i became a prisoner.
the jury decided i was guilty
of loving too hard
caring too much.
capital punishment is a little unjust
but you decided 20 to life
just wasn’t enough.

black lighters
chipped fingernails
i got rid of the old me
and i miss her like hell.
short hair
no cares
no trace
of what used to be there.
i turned into everything you hated
thinking somehow
that that would erase you from me.
transform into someone you never touched.
someone you never loved.
but now i’m just that
someone you never loved
someone you never could have.
and i’m sorry to say
that it didn’t work.
now there is no turning back
this is who i am now
and i have to live with that.

i’m over the withdrawals
i fought through the pain
and even though the high is gone
i still think about you everyday

broken glass has nothing on you.
it is dull in comparison.
you have to push it to bring the blood
while one memory of you brings a flood.

-my heart started bleeding before you even left.

“life isn’t fair”
is what they keep telling me.
and they’re right.
it’s a cruel joke.
life gave you to me a thousand times
with every intention of ripping you away.
i kept trying to stitch us together,
make us one.
“no one can take you now.”

but the stitches ripped out
causing a wound that required surgery

no wonder i’m still hurting

i had constellations in my bones
and stars in my soul
that faded into a black hole
the nights you didn’t come home

i’ve been waking up in a cold sweat
from dreams about details
i haven’t thought of in years.
i’ve been having withdrawals
from seeing the dead space
you took up when you were here.
my hands have been shaking
from you making your way
out of my bloodstream.
i have hallucinated
your silhouette down the hall
three times this week.
and i’m sick to my stomach
from fragments of memories
that i thought we’re already lost.
but this is finally it.
this is the detox.

from the bathroom closet
and the constant smoke in the sky.
to staying up all night
to keep ourselves sleep deprived.
then stumbling into the bathtub
with two bottles of wine.

we never really liked each other
until we were out of our minds.

-kvp

i was a long drive

and a short trip.


     and you hated being behind the wheel.

sun kissed walls
blue windows and freckled doors
the wind knocked it down
and i don’t have anywhere to live
anymore

and in thirty years,
if we decide that hating each other is not worth it anymore
and out of control.
i will be here
alone.
in the bed we used to call home.

-kvp

my sister wrote a poem about destruction.
she said she never drank alcohol or took pills to get over the loss.
but i did.
i washed down a bottle that rattles with a bottle of *****.
sometimes i added a sleep aid.
there were a few mornings when i thought i woke up in hell.
i did.
but i wasn’t dead.
the world didn’t allow that. it knew i had to stick around, had too much to do.
that didn’t stop the hospitalization.
didn’t stop my family from taking the locks off my doors.
that’s how i know we were different.
i had a love i would’ve died for.

but i don’t want to die anymore.

after a hundred hit and misses
“the end” was finally written down.
i still search for you in my sleep
but you’re lost,
and don’t want to be found.
i know one day we will find each other again
probably in heaven.
the gates will open easily for us
rewarded for surviving living hell.
but it won’t feel like home to us
because in heaven,
i don’t think you can yell.

i would move to another planet
if it meant you would be there

huffed you’re fumes
sang the blues
ran through a light blue twilight
i lose cause i always choose
your misery over a good night
lifeless in the body of 20 year old
the sun is rising but my bones are cold
i wilted like a rose
    at your toes  
                  decomposed