Coming in like fog,
I have no recollection of the days it started or stopped.
There are days where the sun shines through just a little bit brighter,
And other days when my world is completely dark blue.

Passing by me on a seemingly normal day,
Ill smile, laugh, maybe chime in on a few jokes.
Maintaining my cover, because I don't want to burden you,
Or maybe I just cant find the right words to say.

We live in this digital decade.
Where you cant hear the crack of despair in my voice,
And I can text you everything's been great,
No one will question it because they cant see my face.

Now even on FaceTime I can put up a front,
You only see the mask I've put on and the sliver of visibility around me.
You don't smell my greasy hair or the fact I haven't showered in 3 days,
You cant see that it's been 2 months since I last shaved my legs.

Even despite all these things, you don't see the mountain of clothes
In every corner and scattered about my bedroom and bathroom floors.
You don't know that I only left my bed twice yesterday,
Only to quickly retreat back.
You only know what I've shown you,
The three inches of screen you're holding between your fingers.

You take the xanax,

I have the panic attack.

How do you make it stop,
That feeling,
That voice.

Every ounce of my being is screaming at me to go.

I dont know what im running from,
If i am running,
Or if ill ever even come back.

I fear the longer I stay the harder it will be for me to go.

Things are good here.
Right now,
For now.

Yet the better the get, the more I want to run.

'Drive safe,' he says.
As if it means something else
Some other few words that are forbidden

At first glance all we did was clash.
It was similarities, differences, competition
And finally an olive branch united us

I was unsure for months,
Then our surroundings got rocky.
'It's just me and you,' he says.

And it really was just us,
We could take on just about anything.
We were partners, you were unsure, but i had confidence. The perfect team.

That night you almost kissed me.
I stopped you because the stakes were too high. Little did i know I would later regret that.

Then came a shift I wasn't ready for.
You had doted over me like no one ever had. Had i been in a better place i would have took it and ran.

Fast forward a year on, I pushed you far away. Literally. I pressed 600 miles between us just to wish there were anything but.

Dancing in the streets of new orleans,
Driving through the mountains on a little island in Alaska,
Running down that secluded beach.

Looking at those photos,
thinking back to these moments.
When time froze.

I could have been there for a few seconds,
Or a few hours.
I wouldn't know the difference.

The bliss.
The excitement.
The love.

I remember the sounds, the smells, the sights, the pure pleasure.

These are the memories i crave.
When you see the photo and it transfers you right back to that moment.
When you see the photo and time stops.

These are the memories i crave.
Yearn for.
Chase.

Call me nostalgic.
Call me an addict.
But these moments are my high.

not everything will go your way
just remember everything will be okay

i crave a moment of nothing.
i want a moment of silence, not as in no sound.
i want a moment where i dont even hear the faint ringing in my ears.
i want a moment of pure blindness.
i want to close my eyes and see nothing, not even the faint colors swirling behind my eyelids.
i want a moment with no smells to distract me.
i want a moment where i feel nothing.
no emotion, no gravity, no senses.
nothing.
i want a moment with no thoughts.
i want to turn my subconscious off, just for a moment.
a moment of pure nothing.
not even the quietest room will give me this.
i crave a moment of nothing.
a moment i fear i will never get.