This fact seemed pretty **** self-evident from just about birth on.
I seemed to inconvenience my family, especially my mother.
So with my multitudes of half-sisters
that refused to see me as anything more than just that,
half,
my mother, who was exhausted and
inconvenienced at the sight of me, my will and
my troubled path,
I was a real life Cinderella,
From     The      Start.

Since I was just there,
my mother figured she might as well use me,
to do her bidding.
I wouldn't be home for weeks and would arrive to an empty,
messy house and a two-page list
of things to do.
Sound familiar?
Just like a fairytale, huh?

So I ask, where's my fairy godmother,
and my glass slipper along with the Prince Charming,
to make sure it fits?
And my mouse helpers,
to make cakes and dresses with me?

Well I might not have a fairy godmother or a glass slipper,
and I'm still missing the **** mice,
but I just might have found,
My Prince...
<3

This is really the end,
for you and him.
My heart aches for you.

I'm sorry and scared but I really can't say a word.
I don't want to make it worse.
I just want to help you heal,
but I know there's not much I can do.
It really just comes down to you.

I hope you can be happy,
and that you don't feel like I'm leaving you
behind but some pains, just can't be mine.

I've tried to save you just as much as I can,
but there are only so many times that I can be
your superman.
It hurts me to say
but it's not my job to take on all of your pain.
I'm sorry it hurts,
but my heart is just too heavy.

We knew this day would come,
where we had both had enough,
just please remember that I love you,
and need to see a glimpse of you in my life,
It's okay.

Sometimes I wish the six years had been a dream,
so you wouldn't have to feel the pain,
but I can't take it away this time,
You have to be your own Superman.

You think you are such a revolutionist.
So urban, so very
hipster

You think these people are you
are fascinated by the mindless babble
that is coming out of your
mouth-that you don't even seem to
understand.

You love to hear yourself talk,
and could carry on a conversation,
by yourself,
but you need the nonsensical nods
and approval of others.

You are really just an empty shell.
Through the demonstrations to explain
the complex things that only you
pretend to understand, you are really
just a pretentious *******
who is just as mainstream
as the rest of us because you are
sitting in Starbucks,
Wearing brand new Converse.

Why do I take that first sip?
Because after that, well it's all over,
it's just a blur of colors,
and empty laughs,
and bad dance moves.

So why do I even start?
I go in knowing exactly what to expect,
I know,
I'm not that **** naive.

And it all seems fun,
on this superficial,
drunken,
level.
Until, I have to ***.
And I don't want to go all alone,
by myself.

At this point, all modesty is out the window anyway,
so if someone comes along,
I don't have to face the reality of what I've done,
what I've become.
But if not,
then it comes down,
hard,
it hits me in the face and
I just feel stunned.

I just want to be done peeing!
But we all know that drunken bathroom runs
take the longest...
And it all comes at once,
the guilt, shame, resentment, anger, sadness, a want to stop and change, but even after all of this,
When I get an invitation,
I just can't say,
No.

Can't we just put a cork,
up there.
To stop the bleeding,
and ickyness,
and maybe even the
cramps.

It is a hassle and just puts such a damper on my life.
Makes things mundane and awful,
I can't wait for it to be over,
and for the exhaustion to
end.

The fatigue, irritability, and-
did I mention the cramps?
Where's the pay off here?
What do I get for suffering through this
on a monthly basis,
since 13!?
Silver-lining, my ***!

The perks seem to be seriously lacking here,
so where is the cork or some midol
to ease the pain,
maybe even a heating pad...?
5 more days,
the countdown
has begun.

I know you're fine.
And you don't need me anymore.
But I don't know if
I can be strong without you.

I just feel empty
I miss having the bit of sun
That you brought to my life
Because without you,
There's only stormy rainclouds.

And what's the point of
Getting through all of the rain
If you don't even get to see
The rainbow at the end of the day.
And the entire time you're only missing
The sun.
I just don't know if I can do this anymore.

My Arizona heart can't cope with this Seattle weather.

Maybe I needed someone,
someone to remind me,
of how special I could feel.
All wrapped up in their arms,
feeling their hesitation as they struggle to let me go.

Maybe I needed someone,
someone to help close the gaps
in my heart that were once filled by you.
I didn't want to believe that I needed anyones help,
I thought I could do it all on my own,
but I needed another hand to
help force the fragments of my heart back together.

It was almost as if the positive and negative forces
were residing right between the pieces of my heart,
just repelling them from one another,
to make sure that I wouldn't feel complete...
at least for awhile. So,

if I bring the glue,
can you bring the tape?
Just to be sure that my heart doesn't shatter
like it has before,
and it's never quite been able to heal.
So maybe this time can we douse it with glue,
and make sure to cradle it until it sets.
And then we can wrap it in many layers of that shiny new tape.
And make sure that it's the good kind,
not the cheap stuff that you get at the dollar store.

Because this time it really needs to stick.
I can't afford to have it rip again.
Not this time,
I feel like you're too important to lose.
If my heart begins to unravel,
in its many layers of tape,
it will be from my own demise,
not from anyone else this time.

I hope that our kids inherit our sense of humor,
and the sense of what a smile truly means,
I hope they inherit your stature so that people know they can trust them,
breathe, and just feel safe,
my fiery passion, partnered with your leaps and bounds of compassion.
I hope they have the same caring and understanding,
that I see in your eyes, along with the green and gold flecks of mine.
I hope they inherit my singing voice that tugs at your heartstrings,
and for their sakes I hope they have your dance skills,
and that my clumsy gene manages to skip a few generations.
I hope they have your sturdy, healing hands, covered in my soft chinchilla skin.
I hope they have your seemingly endless heart and never have to experience any of my pains.
Your plump perfect lips and our thick blonde hair.
Your strong sense of self and ability to look at all sides, but just a bit of my indecisiveness.
Our spontaneity and your good ideas.
Your love of breakfast and our courageous spirits but maybe,
Your cautious driving habits.
Your Smile that makes me melt, but ****,
if they do we are going to have some heartbreakers on our hands.
<3

Somehow,
You understand me,
You don't judge me & I can tell you anything & everything,
without it shocking you or changing your opinion,
You still say, "I love you"
And I believe it.
Call me silly.

But I don't understand how someone like you,
so perfect,
so beautiful,
understanding & amazing,
would want a girl like me.

With all of my flaws,
my imperfections,
And my seemingly endless amount of scars.
You still just hold me & kiss away the pain,
in a way that no one else
ever could.

But why me?
Why would you want me?
Measly me
I think that you deserve better,
but you say you want me!
And the heart wants,
what the heart wants...
<3

I loved you because when those words were muttered from my mouth to your ears, you were so quick to reply.
I loved you because you held me through the night and didn't seem to want to let me go.
I loved you because I could call you after seemingly the worst day, and you could make it all better.
I loved you because you brought out the adventurous side of me.
I loved you because you would play me songs that you found fitting for the moment.
I loved you because you could make me smile through the tears.
I loved you because you always held my hand in public.
             You always told me that I looked beautiful, no matter what I thought.
             You kissed my forehead in the rain.
             And you opened doors for me.
             You made me little trinkets.
             And were so happy when I tried to draw with you.
Even when you let me go, I still loved you.
Even when you told me you hoped that we could still be friends, I still loved you.
Even through that empty promise, I still loved you.
I just can't help remembering the good instead of the bad, and I still love you.

Maybe you never really
Loved me,
Something tells me that if you did,
You would've at least
Had the nerve to call.

Life moves on
But I'm just stuck here with
Everything swirling around me.
You seem fine now and
To the naked eye,
So would I .

But a part of me expected-wanted- you,
To know better,
To know that I was still hurting,
With all of this chaos
All I needed was a constant,
I thought that was you.

Since you've gone away,
I lie in bed
Remembering what it felt like
To have you by my side,
Thinking up rhymes and phrases
Because I can't sleep and
When I do drift awake,
My memories and words have all gone away.

Since you've gone away,
My smile isn't me and
I can no longer write or
Just sit and be happy.
The sun feels like a forbidden place
Because that used to be a spot for
Just you and me.

I want to tell myself I'm okay.
But I can't keep pretending
And living life this way,
I just want you back,
But you're better off without,
                                                  Measly Old Me.

Your hands move with fluidity,
they are soft and smooth.
They tell me that you are caring and artistic.
Yet you've been through so much struggle and pain.
Those hands have sat out in the rain for hours,
and felt the pain deep inside your heart.

Your fingerprints settle in everything you touch.
As your hands create, your soul and heart weep,
with every beautiful and tortured stroke.

Your elongated fingers consume mine,
intertwining with my smaller and slender hands.
The contrasts between us spark my interest,
the smooth darkness of your skin meshing
with the pale warm tones of mine.
Harmonizing.

But it's more than just the differences in skin tones
that interest me. My eyes can't seem to leave the dark & light
weaving together, forming a pattern.
But when I really look, we contrast one another,
and compliment one another.

I'm not quite sure what all of this means
or where it's going but this is different.

I miss everything about
him
And the way we were.
Nothing even turned bad,
Just faded away
All of the sudden.

It's as through a part of me died
And the other part is just all curled up in a corner,
Weeping,
And grieving a loss.
While on the outside,
I try to look okay and
Be so strong for everyone else,
But who am I really kidding.

I can't move on,
I miss the way he would
Just look at me and smile,
The way he could always make me laugh
And feel so much better about my day,
The way we could tell each other
Everything without a single word.
I miss the way he held me
Like he never wanted to let me go
And would wipe my tears away
When they would seldom come and
Tell me it would all be okay...

But I guess fairy tales
Just don't come true
For regular girls like me.
I'm no princess and
There's not a glass slipper.
I just really thought it was all
                            Real this time...Silly Me.

Life just keeps swirling,
like an endless spiral.
Things keep moving on,
without me.
People, places, and things
just don't seem to care or need me anymore.

Why? I'm not sure.
Maybe I've set myself up for this kind of failure,
because of the people I've surrounded myself with,
the choices I've made,
the places I choose to be.
No one really seems to care about me.

And so I sit, alone.
That's not such a bad thing,
being alone.
Maybe some solitude will do me some good.
But then I start to swirl into this place of
self-hatred,
misunderstanding,
depression for lack of a better word.

But when I get there,
it doesn't seem like I can get out
of this place I've somehow managed to put myself into.
But all I really want is to be held,
to be loved,
but a part of me doesn't want to be touched,
deep down I feel like, maybe,
I'm meant to be alone,
I'm don't deserve anyone to love me.

And so I sit.
Alone.
Swirling.

Poems are meant to be read,
ALOUD.
Meant to be screamed off of mountains,
and rooftops,
and whispered in corners.
Meant to be expressed
by the person who feels the emotion
to another who will treasure it the same.

The words should jump off of the page,
to the point that they cannot be contained,
when your eyes hit each word,
your mouth and ears have to
go along for the ride.
To see how the words
flow.
How they roll off the tongue
and fit together.

Not just in your head
but in real life too.
Shared aloud over phone connections because
you just can't wait until you see them next
and shared in coffee shops,
but instead of passing over the page,
read it,
feel it,
and express it.
Make the person sitting behind you turn their head
and listen because
something great is happening.

Remember how you felt when you wrote it,
relive it.
No matter the emotion,
do not fear the vulnerability it may bring,
take it.
Even if you are alone,
in your car,
in your room,
in a park-
speak it, yell it, whisper it,
but let it go
farther than the page.

I don't want to be
Frail & confused.
Laying in a hospital bed,
Just waiting for it all to end,
Knowing there are greater things,
Waiting for me.

I just don't want to be,
Another elderly patient to
Poke & feed.
I don't want to be laying there
In my head,
Wishing for the end.

I don't want my
Loved ones to see me like that,
All small & broken.

Why if they feel so distant
from me,
if I'm only just a half,
do I feel so very close to them,
so close as to have their names
tattooed on my wrist,
where I can always see them and
remember what they mean to me,
but somehow, the meaning doesn't
transcend.
I'm just an
Afterthought

I miss you.
Every hour that we don't talk,
Or that I'm awaiting your reply,
Feels like days.
I don't even know where we stand anymore.

I just want to know that you will
Always be there,
But I feel you,
Drifting away.
Maybe it's too much to ask. But,
I love you,
Do you still feel the same?

You say you do,
But, sometimes there's a
              Hesitation in your voice,
                          A crick in your smile,
                                       And I don't know if you do.
I don't think I can handle
Being torn away from you.
Why would you be dangled in front of me,
Only to
             Vanish?
To show me what could have been?
Because I don't want the dream,
I want the reality.
Maybe I'm not ready,
Maybe you aren't either,
Maybe we just aren't right.
But when you hold me,
I finally feel
                     Home.

When we're together,
The sun seems to shine a little brighter
And time is only a figment of our imagination-
The world stands still for a little while
And I don't want it to start moving again-
I'm afraid I might lose my balance,
Begin to fall and
There will be no one there to
Catch me.

Maybe this is over,
And it just wasn't the right time,
But I have no regrets.

I thought it might last,
Forever,
But that's the thing about relationships,
You never really know.

But I was happy,
And I think for a little while,
So were you.
I smiled the whole time.
I wanted some other things and
I guess it just didn't work out,
But when I said I loved you,
I really meant it darling,
And I still do.
All I ever wanted and everything I needed
Was in you.

But if there was one thing
That you taught me
That no one else knew it
Was to keep my head up,
So I'll smile the whole time.

I laid there,
with you,
intertwined.

My hands running through the grass,
and your hair,
gripping at the moment
but losing it as I exhaled every breath.

Looking into your eyes
and then past your face as I realize
that it is all just one big dream
a fairytale.
The clouds begin to evaporate as the moments pass by
without taking notice of how I might be feeling
in the past, present, or future.

I prayed there,
for you to come back,
to forget,
to remember.

Maybe I needed something bigger to tell me that
I don't need you anymore,
that your empty words
were just that, lies.
That someone who really loved me
wouldn't do that to me.
Wouldn't just leave me behind,
without noticing how I might
feel.

I swayed there,
in your arms
waiting for you to
kiss me,
to hold me,
to love me.

But you let me go.

My Breath,
quivers, shakes,
as I try to exhale.
My feet,
slip beneath me, and
I lose my balance, but
I have no doubt that you'll catch me.
And you do.
I lay on your shoulder and you whisper,
sweetly, in my ear, "Are you okay?"
I nod and smile,
though you can't see it.
I think that, somehow,
my happiness is radiating through your bare skin.
You run your fingers across my back,
and say that something about this,
just feels
right.
And so we lay there,
intertwined,
just being.
<3