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338 · Mar 2017
my monster
Katelin Smith Mar 2017
I'm tired of being tired but
I’m even more tired of being awake
I hate breathing
But everytime i try to stop
I tell myself i want to keep pushing myself
To see how long i can hold my breath
I see it as a game
But should you play with death?
“Stop ******* eating Xanax”
Keep eating xanax
The same people telling you to stop
Give you more reasons to play the game
Most people want to win
I’d rather lose
I want to disappear
They tell me this is only going to end one way
And i respond with only one word
“Hopefully”
258 · May 2017
whats your escape?
Katelin Smith May 2017
How many times a day
Do you ask yourself
What am i doing here?
How many times a day
Do you travel
To another dimension?
There’s just something about being in a place
Where you know you don’t belong.
How sad it used to make me
Attack my mind from all angles
Overwhelmed with anxiety
Of not “fitting in”

Now i’m almost numb
Because does anyone really fit in?
I believe in wanderers
I believe in wandering
Through the deepest depths
I believe everyone has it in them
Every time you feel lost
In a sea of people
Wander
Notice the other wanderers

I like to tell my adventures
Through poetry
Because i can speak in fragments
Of short lived thoughts
This is my escape
From the place i never belonged
Katelin Smith Mar 2017
I light cigarette after cigarette
to sort my own thoughts into piles of “*******” and “worse *******”
just to create some kind of order in my head.
I told myself to never stop trying,
to never stop learning but,
I continuously find myself reviewing the things I've known for months
and even years.
I think sometimes humans get too comfortable with their minds
and that's why the human brain never will never be used to its potential.
Personally, I have gotten way too comfortable in the past couple of years.
But the comfort I obtained was none that could be considered enjoyable or blissful. I have became Comfortable with lying and being lied to.
I found comfort in the makeup *** that lasts 20 minutes after the two days of crying. I found comfort in the word crazy because at least I wouldn't look stupid.
I looked very stupid.

I almost never questioned if he was the right one.
Not because I believed he was, because I was too scared he wasn't.
How easy is it to fall in love with the wrong person?
True love has to be easier? Or is this it? This isn't what I've dreamed about.
This isn't what I read in books and it's not what's on mtv.

There's never a happy ending.
The only happy ending I've ever known is laying down,
in the seats in the back of my car for a quickie to ease the tension.
I hate ***. He made me hate physical contact. He made me hate mental contact.
I just wanted to sing songs to each other while dancing in our underwear.
I wanted to twist his tiny curls.

He wanted money.
He wanted to work.
I wanted to go to school to create a life for us.
He wanted me to stay here and stay miserable.
I wanted him. He wanted her.
That's how the game always worked. I wanted one thing, he wanted another.
164 · Apr 2017
The L word
Katelin Smith Apr 2017
I sat on the farthest bench from my parked car
Across the fluffy fields
Next to a companion i knew for only months

She leans slightly towards my ear
And points at a girl dressed in floral scarves and stones around her neck
My companion Whispers “she looks lost”

She didn't mean lost
As in direction
She meant lost
Within herself

She said that four letter word
With despite
Almost humorous was she in her tone

What is so much better about knowing yourself?
Answer me this
Would you rather?

Would you rather
Decide on the person you are now
Destroying free room to elaborate
To see new perspectives
Close your eyes and be satisfied

Or would you rather
Decide you are lost
Not let the past define you
Venture down different paths
Open your eyes wider
And blossom into the all-knowing

Being lost should never be deteriorated.
It’s those who are lost
Who find all the answers
160 · Mar 2017
Chasing secrets
Katelin Smith Mar 2017
We chase each other…
Around the spinning rings of planets
Just to share our secrets
Too abnormal for anyone to hear
I woke up.
I once had a dream
You were my everything
But really my everything this time
My oxygen
In a house on fire
Recreation of myself
Just way less flaws
I woke up.
You are my everything.
133 · Mar 2017
finding myself
Katelin Smith Mar 2017
Why can't i see straight?
Is the music video supposed to look that way?
Im overwhelmed
In a good way
I like feeling insane
I have an excuse now
I can’t think of any ugly color
Running away sounds like a better idea
Than any idea i've heard all year
I wish i never had to eat again
I probably should take care of my body
How many galaxies surround us
How many planets are there actually
Or is it all a lie
Neil Armstrong didn't land on the moon
It's a huge hologram
Were being played with like dolls
By higher beings

Ok, now talk to someone.
It's okay just be normal
Kinda hard to do when their face is upside down
How many of you are there?
I wish i could tell you how i feel but….
Acid.
Stop moving
Stop standing still
Stop laughing
Shut up you're being weird

Who cares.
I know everything
But nothing
All at the same time
And i find it quite extravagant
119 · Mar 2017
cant stand still
Katelin Smith Mar 2017
The universe hands me everything
For some reason I push it away
I'm selfish, wasteful
Worthless and hopeless
Nowhere to run
Except six feet under
I'm ready to be stuck there
I wish I never had to wake up
It would make it easier on everyone
On everything
111 · Apr 2017
untitled
Katelin Smith Apr 2017
My breath is screaming
Heavily convulsing my chest
Over and over.
I’m losing my grip.

The first step is always the hardest.
Deciding to decide.
Should i lose my grip?
Am i allowed to let go?

Free falling through weightless molecules.
Closing my heart to the world
But opening my eyes to a new life.
My personal utopia.

They won't miss you.
There are a million more just like you.
The maltreatment of humanity is expanding.
Morality slowly shrinks to nothing.

This is the life
Not only that i live.
This is the life
Of the millions just like me.

— The End —