I'm doing well. I'm happy and feel secure in myself for perhaps the first time in my life. And the best part?
It's no one's fault but my own. I feel good for myself, not because of anyone else.

No one can figure out why he scares me.
He literally did nothing wrong, im sure hes a good guy but he looks just a little too much like my ex and he wears the same jacket and when he gets frustrated he reacts the same way and when he gets near I shrink away and I can't really articulate why without sounding dumb

I hate that you wore me down to nothing
To where all of my worth was based on you
And when you liked me i was good
And when you didn't I was worthless

But it's been six months
And I still have you
But my new tattoo reads
"I am enough"
And it's right.

*******.

It's been six months since it happened.
Six months since you left me in the dust with nothing but your insults to remember you by.
Six months since I screamed and threw things and told you to get the **** out.
Six months since you told me that the reason why you cheated was because I was boring. You didn't like the way I looked, I was ugly.

When we first met you told me I was cute. On our first date you told me I was beautiful. When we moved in together you said that it was the happiest day of your life.

What changed?

That's how long it took.
I knew we were wrong from the beginning but I ignored it
Because you told me you loved me and I believed you
I wanted to fix you and heal you

But healing you came at the cost of breaking me
You lied to me and tricked me and told me I was.ugly and not worth loving
You told me you got bored of me and that's why you did it
As if cheating on me wasn't bad enough

As if I'm not going to spend the rest of my life knowing that I'm ugly, boring, worthless because you spent the last three years telling me so

I just hate that it took this long

I'm a creature of habit
I eat the same foods
wear the same clothes
listen to the same music

I talk to the same people
go to the same places
read the same books
and do things the same way

So, I find it strange and wonderful
that I'm adapting to you so easily
as if you were a habit I've always had
When it's barely been any time at all

It's so strange
To look at someone I adore
Someone I want to spend forever with
Who makes me so ******* happy
and think

I don't think we are right for each other
I should leave before it gets more serious
I'm not sure about this
It's gonna hurt him so ******* bad
Do I even still love him?

It's been over a year
Thirteen months, ten days, and twenty hours to be exact
and I am still so
*******
scared

There are times when I spend the entire day
practicing my break-up speech
I go over and over the words so they won't hurt as much when I say them

There are other days when I can't keep my hands off him
and he makes me laugh and love him more than anything
but it's still in the back of my mind
I'm a horrible person who can't hold on to the best thing that ever happened to her

One day I'll leave him
and I won't know why.

Six months.
How strange.
It's been forever, and also no time at all.
Could it have been six months ago that you kissed me for the first time?
Could it have been five months ago that I fell in love with you?
Could it have been two months since New Years,
when we stayed up late and kissed at midnight?

****.

Did you ever see those circus performers with the spinning plates?
Plates on poles spinning, spinning, spinning
You could never understand how they kept so many up
spinning, spinning, spinning

Just as one is about to fall
you can already hear the crash in your head
the shattering of porcelain on the ground
they spin it again and it stabilizes
just barely

I'm not always honest about how I feel
especially when the feeling is intense
I downplay it, it's not a big deal

I don't want to make you uncomfortable
I don't want you to think I'm crazy
I love you

Adjusting to being loved and wanted is hard. I'm not used to someone loving me as much as I love them, wanting to be around me all the time, legitimately thinking I'm wonderful.
But I'm loving the learning curve.

He doesn't understand when I tell him
"I'm ugly, but it's okay I'm fine with it"
"I know I'm big, but it doesn't bother me"
"Listen hon, you don't have to spend every minute with me, I know you're gonna be bored if that happens"

He doesn't get that I have spent years accepting the fact that I am
fat, ugly, boring
I can say these things and not have any self hatred when I say them
at least, not overt

But he kisses me and says
he doesn't know how I could think that
that I am beautiful, badass, interesting, cute, and wonderful
He says it so sincerely that I can't bear to contradict him

The thing is, the more he says it
the more I'm starting to believe him

He's so fragile
covered with cracks
sometimes without even knowing it
I find one and pry it open
making it bleed

My dear, lovely, wonderful boy
It's okay to have trouble trusting
It's not something that happens in a day,
or even a week or a year
Everyone progresses at different speeds
And with everything you've been through
It makes sense that it's gonna take you a while

Just know that love doesn't always equal trust
It doesn't invalidate your feelings because you're having trouble with this
Your love is not less real for it
In fact, in several ways, it's more real than simple infatuation

I love you.
And when it seems like the world is closing up around you,
and you need something, anything to cling to that reminds you that you're going to be okay, come to me
I will hold you tight and promise that I love you, and it's gonna be okay.
We'll make it through together.

I won't make promises I can't keep.
I can't promise that I'll love you forever, or that I'll never hurt you
I can't promise to stay forever, or to always be good to you
I can't promise to tell you all my secrets, or to explain what I'm feeling all the time

But there are some things I can promise.
I promise to try my hardest to stay with you.
I promise to push through the doubt and fear, and tell you when I'm scared.
I promise that I love you, right here, right now.

I guess that'll have to do.

I love you is a strange phrase in today's culture
that teaches people to not get too attached
to not be the first person to say it
that being "clingy" is a bad thing that should be avoided at all costs
But yet shows us movies of people falling in love in three days
and says "be like them, or else you will die alone"

I love you.

I'm too attached and I know it.
He is too.

I want to kiss him and cuddle all day,
to explore his body and let him explore mine
But he's scarred from the last girl
Who left marks on his heart to big to erase

It hasn't been very much time at all,
but I'm already his and he is already mine
And that's how I want it to stay
Forever

I'm too attached.

I haven't been sleeping well lately
I keep picturing your lips
your eyes
your hair
your hands
your laugh

It's becoming a problem.

"Do you need me right now?"
To be honest, I don't even know what needing someone feels like.
But if I did, I think this would be it.

I never realized
that is was possible to be completely relaxed around another person

I'm very good at making my hurts seem small.
Let me explain.
Someone shares a secret. A big, dark, important secret about a dark time in their life. I sit there, amazed that they confided in me, feeling the urge to tell them everything.
But I don't.
Well, I kind of do.
I say something like, "Yeah, when my parents divorced, I had a hard time, but it was okay, I got over it."
or
"Mm. My best friend left me in the dust with no warning, I'm pretty sure she is a sociopath. Haha."

I don't say
"When my dad left, my mom didn't get out of bed for four months. She laid there and sobbed for hours and hours. I had to break the law to drive my sister and me to where we needed to be, and there was always that fear that we would come home and she wouldn't be there anymore. There was one time that she left for two days, and we didn't know where she was. My sister and I slept in the same bed that night. "

I don't say
"When my friend left me there, I was so stunned at first that I didn't feel anything. It took until I was all the way home before it hit me that the first person that had ever seemed to really care about me was lying the entire time. I couldn't face her, couldn't look in her lying face without sobbing. So I just didn't go anywhere near her. I don't go to Fred Myers because that's where she works. It's been more than a year and I still can't do it. I accidentally came across her one day at college, and I froze. I stood and stared at her, and she had the nerve to say hello and ask how I was. I'm ashamed to say I ran the other direction."

I take all of that and condense it to one or two sentences. It doesn't hurt that way.
Maybe one day I'll unpack it all for you.

I alternate between
delirious happiness

and
complete terror

Don't get attached I whisper
as I sit and imagine you here with me

Don't get too attached I say
As I relive those kisses over and over and over

Don't get overly attached I say
As I listen to way too much romantic music

Well, then.  I whisper
As you put your arms around me

***** it, I say
As you lean your head on my shoulder and breathe in

**** it, I shout
As you come in and kiss me again

And again
and again

Stop looking at me like I'm the only thing that matters in the world.
(I can't look back for too long, or else I forget everything else.)

Stop kissing me when you know I'll be surprised by it.
(I keep not knowing what to say, except ask for another, and I sound so horribly awkward.)

Stop holding my hand so firmly, yet so gently.
(I keep using both hands, as if to keep you from leaving.)

Stop leaning your head on my shoulder, and telling me I smell good.
(your hair smells good, too, not that it matters.)

Stop telling me I'm cute
(you're cute too, but shut up)

Stop telling me all of your secrets
(I want to tell you all of mine, too, but I can't, not yet.)

And above all

Stop kissing me!
(Never stop.)

Even the word lonely makes me wince.

All day I've been imagining an alternate universe, where half of the people in the world are never hurt. They can trip and fall, or touch a hot stove, and they never feel it.
The other half feel twice as much. They are linked to one of the others, and whenever they trip and fall, this person feels it. They stub their toe, and this guy feels the pain.
It's an interesting thought. How many people would just assume they were invincible, and blindly walk through life not knowing or caring? I think some people would be extremely careful, so as not to hurt their partner, but others who like pain would do the opposite.
What if your partner was a starving child in Africa? They felt invincible, but you felt their pain. Who wants to bet that poverty and disease would be gone in five years?
It's leveling the playing field, to an extent. If a rich guy feels the pain of a starving child, or the snow on a homeless person's skin, don't you think he'd help, even if it was for selfish reasons?
I don't think the world would do well if this was how it worked. There would always be people that hurt themselves on purpose just to hurt others, or the people who commit suicide, and two people die. But wouldn't it be an interesting experiment?

Last night, I thought that what I was feeling was intense relaxation
I spoke slowly, thoughts were languishing like a cat in the sun
My muscles just wanted to relax
My breathing was slow
Yet I didn't want to sleep

I wasn't sad or happy, really
I wasn't jealous or upset
Not sure what happened

It lasted hours
Until I went to sleep really

But I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes
And I'm just as slow and relaxed
Yet I've been crying off and on all morning
and I don't know why

I don't think it was relaxation
I think it might have been despair

I think most people associate creative people, especially writers
with the middle of the night.
Getting a great idea at 1AM and working until 7AM
and a masterpiece is made

I'm not like that.
I tend to get ideas at about 2 in the afternoon.

I have a great idea for my friends birthday.
That's a great outfit to wear to Fridays dance!
Hmm....that could be an amazing book...
What if everyone in the whole world did this?
Oh! I could totally make money doing that!

These things happen at 2 in the afternoon.

writing is hard
some days I can sit and pour words out of my mouth
i can write for hours and hours
thousands and thousands of words
but other days the words just don't come

There aren't any words to say today
nothing important is happening
no intense feelings to describe
not even apathy
just boring
old
regular
stuff

I really like food.
When I'm sad, I eat.
When I'm happy, I eat.
When I'm lonely, I eat a lot.
When I'm bored, I eat.

Too bad I can't cook

I go to a coffee shop to study
when I really want to get **** done
because it's less lonely to have people around

it's easier to focus when
there's background noise
of actual people

sometimes my friends randomly show up
and it's a great distraction
of course
it's also a reminder of how they wouldn't
come see me
unless it was happenstance here
but oh well

meh
I'm finished studying for the day
but still I'm lingering here
because I don't want to go home yet
and my coffee isn't empty yet

Did you know that being home alone is the leading cause of
my loneliness?

Let me explain

at first, the silence is deafening
so you turn on the TV
or some music
and that helps

later on, the music starts seeming depressing
the songs about people are mocking you
the songs about love are arrows piercing your skin
the songs about anything else are few and far between
so you turn it off

so you make your own noise
you open and close every door
just to hear the sound
you drum on pots and pans and whatever's nearby
to see what the difference between
a refrigerator door and freezer door is

then you start talking
telling the coffee maker to hurry up
or getting mad at the milk jug for spilling on the counter

then you start spewing nonsense like
do deer have feelings, or are they just sad?
a whole conversation with yourself about nothing
gibberish

then rock bottom.

calling your mom even though you know she won't answer
so you have a guarantee that she'll call back
and someone will talk to you today
you text someone with a broken phone
or rather, you open your phone to a picture message
of your friend with someone else
even though you asked them to hang out earlier
but then again, maybe they didn't get it
you tell yourself
their phone is broken, after all
but then again, they seem to get everyone else's

you make way too much food
just so you can eat until you feel sick
because
WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE TO DO

After a while,
I usually end up wandering around the house
yelling "****" until I feel better
my throat is hoarse

Do you ever feel the desperate need
to tell someone the tiny details
that you've noticed over the years?

Like you've been watching so closely
taking careful notes
timing every pattern
to see what makes them tick

it's hard to explain
how you've timed the difference between an angry text and a sad one
or how it's a habit now to set an alarm earlier than usual
to remind you to check your phone
in case they want to come over

it's hard to describe
the way your heart leaps when they text you first
or the way it falls
when you see their love poems to their real lover
even though they're beautiful

it's just hard to explain

One roll of quarters on my desk
hoarded for a rainy day
two books with pages cut out
my failed attempt at art
three textbooks staring accusingly at me
you should be studying, they chant
four nail trimmers because its a compulsive habit
to stop my nails from cutting my hands when I make a fist
five vinyl figures of my favorite characters
giving my courage when I feel scared
Peter
Dean
Steve
Mike
Dany

six spoons
not sure about that one
seven bottles of paint
waiting until the urge hits
eight dvds
from lonely nights when the wifi doesn't work
nine half-filled notebooks
waiting for a finished story, or notes, or anything
ten hardback books
that I haven't read in years

my room

I see people struggling with
depression
anxiety
suicidal feelings

I want to help
hug them
or listen when they rant
and I try
but I can't understand

what does it feel like
to not be able to breathe because the walls are closing in on you?
what does it feel like
to want to leave this world with a bang, or a cut, or a pill?

I don't know
but I give you a hug
and let you talk

I've never felt that way
all I can think is that
I wouldn't be able to stand it
but somehow you do
and you are so brave

When i was 13 I thought that gay and straight were things that other people were
People that weren't raised christian
People that didn't have dads
People that were abused
People that i should pray for but not get close to

when i was 14 my best friend came out as gay
i didn't see it coming but i probably should have
she wore ties every day
and plaid shirts with the sleeves rolled up
and cut her hair short as soon as she could
but i didn’t see it because gay was other people

when i was 14 i watched as the news spread like wildfire
“did you hear? that girl is gay.”
I watched as people slowly backed away from her
people that knew her all her life
that is, the people that didn’t cut her off instantly

I watched as the youth group we had both attended asked her to leave
I watched as her drama group kicked her out because they were afraid of the yearly camp we went to
that somehow knowing that she was gay made her more likely to attack the other girls in their beds than the year before

I watched.
I didn’t do anything.

what changed my mind wasn’t a change of perspective on queer people
it still took me a year to decide being gay wasn’t wrong
but i decided that my best friend was someone i would stick with
because i loved her

I quietly stayed.
didn’t make a fuss, didn’t call people out when they called her names behind her back.
I should have.
but i didn’t.
I didn’t join in, but i didn’t defend her
i didn’t say to these people
*******
that girl is beautiful and amazing
and if you can’t see through your hatred then i don’t want to be your friend either
but i didn’t .
I didn’t go through what she did.
I didn’t get kicked out of anything, i didn’t lose friends

When i was 15, i got fed up
I left that drama group.
I stopped going to that church.
I stepped away from those friends and even though i never said why
the look on my face when i ran into them and they asked, “how’s she doing?”
answered that question for them.

I spent 24 hours examining my bible
trying to find the verses that say being gay is wrong
there were barely any
and they were right next to verses that said eating pork was wrong
or planting crops next to each other
or wearing two different fabrics

there was my answer.

this isn't a story of my journey.
This isn't me building myself up
“hey, I wasn't as bad as those other people
I’m good now”

this is a story of how one person can change your life forever

if i didn't have a gay best friend
what a way to start a story, huh?
if i didn't have a gay best friend then I would still be there
quietly praying for the sins of others, but not trying to understand
so don’t look at all Christians and say
they’re awful
they’re bigoted
they’re judgmental
because we are
but often it’s because we don’t know any better
teaching us kindly works
leading by example.