To the girl who thought life had no meaning
And that life was not worth living;
Who thought that society was made to suffer,
That the human race was condemned to self-destruction,
That all the bad would outweigh the good,
And she would never be able to tolerate the pain,
That there was no use in surviving if she did not feel like she was living;
Who on her darkest days would play the same refrain over and over and over in her head:
“Soceity is evil and the future is filled with pain and we’re all going to die anyway so nothing matters” -
To this girl
Who suffered and suffered and begged for reprieve
She thought she would not find,
Know that there will come a time when
This girl will come to change
That one day
She will not have to ask her friends to hide her pills
Because she is afraid of her mind every night she wakes up,
Thoughts racing in the dark.
That one day,
Despite the the pandemic and the injustice and the fires and the suffering around her
She will smile at the mystery and the beauty of life -
Of the euphoria of hearing her favorite songs on a shuffled playlist,
Of the fading summer light and the softly blowing breeze,
Of the laughter that doubles her over and makes her cheeks ache,
Of the wonder that is movies and art and symphonies and science,
Of the glimmering gleam that is hope.
That one day that girl will look at her old poems and be so grateful that she is no longer in so much pain
That she thinks that jumping in front of a moving train
Or swallowing a bottle of pills
Are her only option.
That one day that girl will look at her old diary entries and wish
That she could erase years and years of suffering,
While knowing still that the suffering has made her who she is today;
And she will say,
Things are hard but I can do this,
Because I am so ******* resilient,
Because people are so ******* resilient,
Because there is bad in the world but there is also good,
Because there is a chance that I can help people be happy,
Because I don’t want to miss out on the songs and softly blowing breezes and laughter with friends and all the other things that bring wonder to life.
That one day she will write a document called “Making Meaning”
Where she writes out all the reasons why
Life is worth living;
And she will brainstorm for this more often than she brainstorms
Her suicide note,
And she will plan to share this document with the friends
Who need it the most,
Just as she will share
The wisdom she has learned from her darkest days.
That one day
She will come to no longer believe that
Soceity is evil and the future is filled with pain and we’re all going to die anyway so nothing matters,
Becaues if everyone thought this,
The world would not be
What it is today;
Because if you think that life has no meaning,
Life will have no meaning to you.
But it is possible to change your worldview,
To be like all of theose poeple who think
That life is worth living.
It is possible to see light when you thought it was gone,
And then grasp at it again when you fall back down into darkness.
It is possible to be more resilient
Than you ever imagined you could be.
It is possible to be happy.
While my life is not sunshine and rainbows by any means, it is still much better than before, thanks to a combination of factors (medication, therapy, communication with friends and family, etc.). However, I know I am very lucky to be in the financial/living/social situation I’m in and I definitely don’t want to minimize the feelings of anyone who is depressed or suicidal, or all of the suffering that this year’s events have brought — I just want to show that it is possible for someone to change their worldview and to not always feel the emotional pain they might be experiencing at a certain point in time.