Today I learned the truth
The truth you always told me
I was blinded by my feelings
Putting you up on a pedestal
I allowed myself to wallow in pity
But I never realized I was the one at fault
See I put myself here
I chose this path
The problems and mistakes will always make their appearances
But I pray I can overcome
For while the truth is necessary
It’s just one step of the process
And while I’ve already accepted
I still must overcome
This journey will be a long one
And I pray I last
But I’m not worried
Because I’ve never let myself down like this
And I won’t do it again

The holes gotten deeper
And I’ve dug harder
And you’ve watched me
You’ve watched me get swallowed up.
My breaths gotten ragged
And I’m still digging
And you’re still watching.
It’s like a race
Except it ends in one of us stopping.
Will my breath stop?
Or will you stop me?

My heads cloudy,
My thoughts up in the atmosphere.
I can’t think clearly,
I can barely breathe.
My body is slowly shutting down, I can feel it in my bones.
I take a step and my bones begin to creak.
My body is an old home,
Torn down for the new.
My thoughts, the ceiling above my head,
Crashes to the ground.
With it, all that is left of me.
I am my own home and now my home is gone.
“I” am gone.

3 years
Hoping they mean something
Hoping you didn't waste your time

3 years
Effort put in
Time you'll never get back

3 years
Taken by the one you gave everything to
Lost to someone you helped

3 years
I wasted
I lost
I surrendered
I gave up

3 years
I will never get back

3 years
I gave away

3 years
Gone.

One year from now I'll be receiving my future
One year from now I'll leave whatever I once knew for the great unknown
One year from now I'll be screaming for joy or crying in anguish
One year from now only one word, "congratulations", will matter to me
One year from now I'll be packing up my life
One year from now I'll be moving out
One year from now my future will be decided

This isn't a poem but I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a safe and happy new year. May your resolution be met :).

Every night
I lay awake with my thoughts
Everything racing through my mind
There's no end in sight
I'm a prisoner of my own brain
The never ending twists and turns keeping me in its cage
I can't escape myself
And there's no one else to blame but me

I've let my walls down
Only to have it resurrected because of you

I came here in hopes of a brighter future
Only to find so much darkness

I told you truths no one believed thinking you'd understand and accept
Rather than deny and pretend it was fake

I took your betrayal and hoped you would come to see the truth
But you stayed in denial, forcing me to join you along the way

I let you through my walls
Hoping you'd help me rebuild my surrendered soul but you left me even more broken

I can only rebuild my walls
Because I alone may never be able to fix what's inside these walls

I'm awake,
Thoughts of you
Running through my mind.

You're like a dancer
Pirouetting and twirling
Gracefully destroying my heart

Your gaze
Penetrating my being
A laser cutting through my soul

I don't know how to deal with you anymore
There's no escaping you
You're everywhere

My thoughts are scrambled
With your face popping up in between math equations

I can't sleep
Wondering if you're awake feeling the same way I do

But I know
That you're gone now
And there's no getting you back

So I must move on
And wish you happiness from afar

Hard as nails
Soft as a teddy bear
Two sides that two different people see
I'm hard and mean to everyone
Rough rude and rigid
Never a sweet word uttered
But if you know me
Then you'll know that it's just my exterior
I rust like any other nail
Melt me with words and I'll pool at your feet
Soft and gooey
I'm gone in a whirl of liquid emotion
I'm not truly rough and rigid
I'm not stiff and severe
I'm a sarcastic pool of mush that can't figure out her feelings
You'd know that if you truly knew me
But who actually does?

I tried for you at one point
I genuinely wanted your praise
I wanted a smile or a congratulations
I wanted to you see me and bean with pride
I actually wanted to be your trophy
I never saw you as a collector
I never saw you as a user
I only saw a great person
A person who cared about me and only wanted the best for me
And now I've seen you
The real you
Ther you that only wants me as a trophy to show off
And sadly for you
I've realized that I'm not a trophy

You're not good enough kid
You've been told that for so long
Your menial effort means nothing
And in reality it doesn't
Grow up kid
You've been told that for so long
Your constant tears won't do anything for you
They'll make you weak
Toughen up already kid
You've been told that for so long
Be bold or else
Or else you'll eventually be ruined
And I've agreed
I've listened to your uncontrolled stream of ****** advice
I've sat quiet
Sitting still and attempting to look pretty
And my silence is at it's end
My voice yearns freedom
From its prison of rules
It's screaming NO
It's screaming that you are good enough
It's screaming you're a child so act like one
It's saying to feel weakness
Because all of those thins make you human
And tbh I'm lowkey human

Why can't love be like a romance novel?
All mushy gushy with all that love this and love that.
Never an unhappy ending
Never an unhappy protagonist
Why can't love be as easy as saying "I love you"?
Simple and sweet
Flowing off of my tongue rather than caught in my throat
Why can't there be second chances with love?
To resurrect what I once took for granted
To begin again rather than sitting in the past

I deal with your sadness whenever you need me to
I know when you're upset because it's a never ending cycle
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be there for you and help
But when you're going back to something toxic
Coming to me bearing an excuse of "oh we were just messing around" with tears expressed with messages
I will tell you to leave
I will tell you to break it off
I won't sit back and tell you what you want to hear anymore
It's not just tiring for you, but for those around you who express their opinion when you ask, but get nothing but scorn from you in return

You were someone I cared about
I tried so hard
To be the perfect daughter
But nothing will ever be enough
And I have too much to live for
To die another day for you
So now
You're dead to me

Honestly this is my last poem for awhile and of course it's to you.

The one who stalks my thoughts, clouding my judgement, blinding my vision with images of yourself.

The one who holds my heart but doesn't even know it.

The one who's on my mind early at dawn because I hadn't slept all night.

The one who's face pops up during that one song and won't leave once arrived.

The one who I notice in every picture we're in together.

If you're a stalker of my mind I guess I'm a stalker of you?

Scratch that. That sounds scary.

You're just on my mind a lot.

Walk in and walk out
That's how you entered my life
You came in one day and
There were no signs
No signs of what was to come.
All I knew
Was that you were here and I thought
That you would never leave.
You never knew my everything
But I have you what I had
Or rather what I could give.
You knew more than anyone
But you decided I wasn't worth it.
You decided that they were more important than me.
And though this does sound selfish
I believed in you
To stay with me and believe in me
But you didn't.
You cared more for the fame
And while that is a shame
I'm not sorry.
You showed me your true colors
And I'm happy I saw them
Ma

I don't know what to say
You're just on my mind
When you're around
I don't know what to do

You're there at every corner
Blocking any exit

You don't know what you do to me
You're so oblivious

I act as if I don't care
But secretly I do

When you're with her
My heart rages
And when you hug her
It breaks

I regret letting you go
I regret what I did to you
I regret starting with you

Most of all
I regret not letting you go

All of those things
Yes "those" things
The ones that keep you up at night
The ones you never want to awknowledge
The ones that haunt you
Yes "those" things
Your weakness
Your pain
All of "those" things
They make us human
And without them
We wouldn't be who we are today
We all have "those" things
We carry them around in secret
We can act as if they don't exist
But "those" things will never be gone
"Those" things will be buried deep within us
And they will haunt us
Till death do us part

Don't feel
Don't think
Pretend but sleep
Awake in your deep dreams
Awake but yet asleep
Were you torn and but not alone?
Or did your dreams keep you deep,
Deep in your sleep
Yet awake and asleep
Alone but not
Your thoughts, the stranger you don't want to meet
They keep you awake
Yet still asleep
Awake but asleep

I know that you will never understand that words can hurt
That your words are painful

Each word is another jab to my heart
Another tear in my soul
A scrape to my skin
One more break in my bones
Just another pain to my being

The words are more harmful
Than anything you could hurt me with

They can be soft like a caressing hand
But you don't use them so
You use them to cut me down
Until I am nothing but pain

You leave me cold
In fear of others
And their words

I can't leave you though
For once again
Your words trap me

The words you used to hurt me
Are now the chains that bind me to you
From now until I can form my walls once again
To block out the words

You were a flame
Burning hot and bright
Non stop never ending
An infinite blaze
A burn I wanted
I wanted the pain
But...
I never thought that you would leave
I thought you would be my never ending forest fire
Burn me so I could be reborn into new soil
For our love to grow in
But you decided against that
Instead...
You burned me to ashes
Destroyed everything in your path
You left nothing good
Yet everything bad
My forest flame

So the fear felt
The pit that kept growing
The nagging feeling
All of it
I was right to feel it
The regret
I wish I could say wasn't there
I wish I could say
That I
That I grew as a being rather than
Well rather than let it hurt me
I wish I could say I was proud of feeling the hurt
But I can't
I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt
That it doesn't hurt that I was right
I wish that the fear I felt
I wish I never it at all
Or rather
I wish I wasn't right to feel it at all

I know I tell you it's okay
But I miss you
I've opened myself up
But where are you when I need you most?
You know this is hard for me
I've never felt like this
So vulnerable
It's so new
And when I need you
You're never there
I know you're busy
But I wish that you'd see through this facade
I wish you saw that I'm scared
And not brave
I wish you saw that I was jealous
And not go with the flow
I wish you saw that I missed you
Because I'm too scared to say it to you
I just wish
That you'd see
The me
That I've only let you see

Commitment
I don't know how this works
This commitment thing is new for me
I went down in flames the first time
Who's to say it's not going to happen again?
Will I hurt you like I hurt the last?
Will I start over this never ending cycle?

Commitment
That word is both terrifying and beautiful
It signifies everything I want
But those are the things I fear
Can I give myself to someone so wholly that they are part of my being?
Can I trust someone with that?
Can I truly even love?

Commitment
Oh Lordy
That word incites fear once again, but I'm getting there
I'm coming to terms with it but that nagging won't stop
Will it actually work out?

Commitment
I will commit
At least that's what I'm going to tell myself
And I will not hurt them

Commitment
I'm ready for you

If you really love them see where it goes, but if you are unsure then let them go.

I think of you everyday
You're in my thoughts and on my mind

You haunt my every step
I see you at every corner
You stalk my every movement
I break as I see you move forward

You move forward again
One more step away from us

One more step away from what I have up
And I'm happy that you're moving on
But I wish for us to move on together

But alas my wish can't be granted
For it was I who broke us
So now I must watch you move forward

And now it's me who wishes your every move be towards me again
And live life the way you did for so long

I will love you from afar and hope you are happy

Reading my problems away
Wishing that I could solve them all
As a protagonist does in a book
But life isn't a book
It'll never be that easy
So I better get my nose out of that book
Before I start wishing my reality
To be that of a book

I'm done following your rules
I've dealt with your blows
And I have finally found the end to this endless tunnel
I'm no longer your puppet
I will not sit and weep, hoping for a better future
I'm done being broken my love
Did it help you sleep at night knowing I was in pain?
Did you enjoy witnessing my scabbed up arms?
Did you enjoy seeing me in the endless darkness?
Did you think I would stay there forever?
Wrong my love, I am more than your petty blows
Now its my turn to deal the blows
And you're going to pray to that being you vowed to never believe in
That I died that day
The day you thought you broke me.
So my love
Be ready
For I will never hurt you
The way you have hurt me.
Instead I will fly and soar
Like a bird out of its never ending captivity

sometimes it becomes too much
you get swallowed up whole and no, its not depression
just plain ol too much
the only question you ask is will it be okay?
and in truth,
that's something only you can answer
all I know is that tomorrow is a new day, and with tomorrow comes a new beginning
you're just a human being
and you don't have to take it all in one go
take it on
but in pieces
let people in and let them help
because they want you to be okay
and you will be
eventually
it may not be today, in an hour, or tomorrow
it may be in a year, but just know that if you take it on with the people around you
and don't give up,
**you will be okay

What is desperation?
Is it the act of acting on impulse?
Or is it more?
Is it when you seek something so much?
So much that you lose yourself?
Is it that hollow feeling of not being fulfilled?
Is desperation what I am?
Am I desperate?
Do I seek so much that there's nothing left to seek?
Do I take and take without giving?
Am I so very desperate?

Once again
I receive my results
And what do I see
The same ol same ol
Nothing new
Nothing surprising
It's a big fat F
And it's all I am
I'm a failure
And I'm never getting anything better
So why should I try
If all I get is another
Big fat F

A good day turns bitter
As I look to you for guidance
Only to see a dark and dingy version
Of my once knight in shing armor

I look you in the eyes
I ask you once more
"What do I need to do?"
You look at me
Try to break eye contact
You know the answer
You know what I mean
Yet you turn away
You act as if I do not understand
As if I am not worthy of an answer
And now
Now I am finished
Finished with you
And all that you do
Your excuses and lame games
Your needy and irritating words
You think I don't understand
That you are broke too
But of course I can't understand
I'm far too young
I'm far too female
Far too anything to take seriously

I can smile
And I can grin
Hold conversations
And help those in need

But what if I am in need
When I reach out
Will someone take hold of my hand
Or will I drop

Will I drop
Forever with no need
Hoping for someone
Anyone
To catch me on my never ending fall

No
I cannot expect that much
It's too much
For one person to handle

So I will fall
Fall into this abyss
Hoping for someone to catch me
But knowing it will not happen

I've learned
Through and through
That people are not
They are not reliable
We have our own agendas
We don't care for others
We're selfish
Not selfless
Don't rely on others sweetheart
Your hearts the one that's gonna be broken in the end

You were a shining sun,
so bright and bold
You showed me through,
so many times
I didn't know the pain you felt,
for you didn't want it to crack your image
You didn't want to lose your shine
yet you lost it when you realized it was something you could lose.
So my shining sun,
shine bright,
but don't let your pain crack you,
and not your **image

Pain is my everlasting friend
It always stood by me
And I hope that it will never leave

Clair
My baby girl
My heart
My rock
You're my everything
You keep me grounded
You protected me
You loved me
You annoyed me
You were my sister
My confidant
My friend
My everything
And I'm so sorry baby girl
I'm sorry that we had to let you go
I'm sorry that we gave you away
I never wanted this
I wanted you forever
I wanted my family to satay together
I'm sorry Clair
I'm so sorry baby
I'm so sorry
Clair

This body of mine.
Curves and all.
Stretch marks, lumps, and dark spots.
The good the bad and the wonderful.
Yes the wonderful,
Because a body should be celebrated,
And I'm going to celebrate mine,
Because it's the only one I have.
So this body of mine.
This is my message of love to you:
Thank you for putting up with me.
This body of mine.
With all of flaws
Is utter perfection
This body of mine
Is mine,
And I'll dislike it at times, but I will always appreciate it.
So thank you,
This body of mine.

I'm stuck in my thoughts
They keep rewinding
A broken record of memories
Forever destroyed
A never ending playlist
None of the good
Only that bad
I want to forget
But this track is stuck on repeat
And there's no un-stucking

As everyone leaves
We all breathe a sigh of relief
Because though we say we love them and cherish them
We don't always mean it
The world is a revolving door
It cycles out people without knowing who they are
Few stand out most don't at all
It's how life works
As they leave a new set comes in
Showing up the last
Proving to be better
There's remembering the past, but no remembering the people
It's just how life works
So let's breathe a sigh of relief once more
I know I will

While I sit here and cry, she sits in the next room laughing and giggling.
While I hate myself, she relishes in the love.
While I want to die, she lives happy and free.
While I die, she soars.
While I hurt, she has joy.
While I break, she mends.
While I scream and cry, she ignores and laughs.

She'll never care.
It's a never ending cycle.
I'm done and gone.

I wish it was just a story.
I wish she didn't think it was.
And I wish that she'd understand that not all stories ,make believe or not, don't always have a happy ending.
I wish she'd tell me I'd be alright.
I wish she'd help me.
I wish she'd believe me.
I wish this was a story.
But it's not.
And I wish that it never happened.
But she doesn't believe that.
She never would.
Because it's all just a story.
Just a story

It gets harder and harder to breathe.
Harder to live.
Those around me have moved on and are happy.
Those I hated are living freely.
Only I am held down by these pains.
These pains of sorrow and regret.
I don't think that it's going to be okay.
I wonder if I'll be okay.
I wonder if I will actually pull through.
Will I or will I not?
That's the real question.