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Castiel Oct 2015
i miss you.
you were my breath.
you kissed me,
and it was like
a thousand butterflies
ignited in my chest
and my lungs provided the oxygen
that fed the flame.
your lips
were the wind beneath their wings
the wind beneath mine
i would be lying if i said
that i don't miss

i hate you.
i never loved you in the first place
the same way that you never loved me.
i want you to feel the same pain
that i have
i want you to know that you are
the throbbing of my head
because i got drunk off of your lips
and i can't ******* escape the hangover
you were a propellor
and i was just a curious fish
who came too close and you destroyed me
i was happiness
and you were depression

you assaulted me.
you ***** me
you tore out my heart
and you spat on it
because you knew how much i hated the feeling
of being worthless.
your head was the hunger
and i was your ******* cigarette
you burned me
and it made you feel good
and as much as i hate to say it
it made me feel good too.
you were addicted to the ash in your throat
i was addicted to the burning of my body
destroyed until i was nothing but your plaything
and i still ******* love you for it.

i regret everything
the i love you's
the i'm sorry's
the hello's
i wish i never let you back into my heart
after you pillaged everything we could have been
i hated it
i hated the way it made me feel
when you waltzed right back in
after you betrayed me
i didn't feel any comfort
i didn't feel anything
but hatred

we were a beautiful calamity
a collision of red and blue and white
blood, sky, and ice
that i saw once you knocked me down
and i couldn't help but stare
at the heart-shaped clouds
and think it was a message
that we needed to stay together
you were my destruction
you were my self hatred
you were my bullet
and i was your ******* blood
coursing excitedly through your heart
as you watched me writhe and die
when my heart gave out
from loving you too much.
Castiel Oct 2015
Depression is an eternal sunrise.
Everything is entangled in black for a very long time,
and then the horizon flickers
and you can notice a beautiful rosy glow
as the sun peaks its sliver of a crest
over the mountaintops.
But it is just out of reach.
Sure, it's beautiful,
but it's more dark than anything.
Depression traps you forever
in that one moment
before the sun is risen
and before night has fully ended.
There is an end in sight
but it is not close enough.
No, it is never close enough.
Castiel Oct 2015
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Every hour chimes the clock
Reminding us of slipping time
And hours long forgotten.

Tick, tock, tick, tock
My every breath feels out of stock
The air is cold and eery
As I lay your corpse in cotton.

Tick, tock, tick, tock,
My heart is a cold black rock
Whose face is gone, all washed away
Now we both are rotten.
Castiel Oct 2015
Wake up
I need you
Read, 12:45 am

no you don't.
you don't need me.
you never have.

had i ever been worth anything to you
you would have fought to keep me
you would have stopped her from punching me
you would have stopped me when i attempted again
you wouldn't have made some ******* excuse

you don't need me
you never have
Castiel Jun 2015
I am the universe.
I am abstract.
I am a collection of nothings and everythings.
My very being is a quantam equation,
Drowned in emotion
while being completely numb
Longing for a good life
and also for the sweet serenity that is death.
I am not a solid structure
but rather a blur of colour and motion
Whose beauty is undermined by many
and cast out by most.
But still I stay true to my own colours,
even if I don't particularly fancy the painting.
My colours are vast
and individually very beautiful.
I am working on seeing them as they are--
blended and confusing and unclear--
and seeing that as beautiful.
I am abstract.
I am the universe.

I am the universe.
I am woven with the threads of existence
and infinity.
I am at my beginning,
small and undeveloped
with the capability for so much.
One day I will erupt
in a brilliant display of power,
displaying myself boldly and spectacularly
But for now I hold it within,
my potential growing and growing
until something within me happens just right
and I can truly blossom.
I will use my power to build myself up
until I don't have to try anymore.
They say I will get so big
that I will destroy myself,
crushing myself back down to nothing
To less than nothing.
But I think that's happened before,
because I am nothing at the moment
And nothingness has never been so valuable.
I am woven with the threads of existence
and infinity.
I am the universe.

I am the universe.
I am beautifully unaware of myself
while creating something even more fantastic
Than my destiny tells me I can be
Because I am nebulae and galaxies
and starts and planets
and vast expanses of so-called "emptiness"
That is really filled
with gorgeous, deep, silken black.
I am the stars aligned,
the pure work of billions of subatomic particles
buzzing about frantically with their errands,
not even knowing what those errands are--
Just knowing that what they are doing
is what they must do.
I am the miracle of life
and the beauty of death
and the thrill of everything in between.
I am the mystery of what comes before birth
and the fear of what comes after dying.
I am the cosmos looking at its own reflection
Observing itself
Knowing itself
Being itself
I am massive, yet so, so small
but I question my worth
every time I dare to glance at the fibers
That hold together the fabric of my being.
I am eternity;
I am the clock which sits unnoticed
until I am needed,
or when boredom strikes and I become a last resort
To lessen the loneliness.
But the truth is,
I am loneliness.
I am a broken heart,
my blood seeping into all that is.
I am the tears welling in the eyes
of the kid down the street
Who has no choice
but to take a blade to his skin
just to breathe again.
I am his breath.
I am the ground beneath him
and the sky above him.
I am the face he sees in the mirror;
I am the hatred he sees when he looks at it.
I am the love in his soul
The blood in his veins
The scent of his skin
The beating of his heart
I am his heart.

I am the universe.
so i was locked up in a psych ward for attempting again, and one of the assignments i got was to write a poem about who you are. honestly I've never been prouder of any poem of mine. this even tops flurries and iris's diary 1.
Castiel Jan 2015
I recall such a freezing winter morn
The sun erasing the stars in the skies
With frozen flower buds all weak and worn
Their snowy cloaks a glassy paradise

Back then the clouds felled shining bright white flakes
That shattered on the ground in sparkling gleam
And buried in the banks were garden snakes
Encapsulated in their icy streams

When standing right beside me, there was you
Warm breath creating soft clouds in the air
Now tears drip from work done and left to do
Your blood has dyed deep red the snow once fair

For back then there was life and hope and zen
And deaths like yours reclaim those things again
We're writing sonnets in English and for some reason I made mine hella depressing and even though it's not very coherent I figured I'd share it with y'all anyway. The iams also don't line up as perfectly as they could, forgive me >♢<
Castiel Oct 2014
I know why
I flinch at your
I know why
I shiver every single
time you say my
I know why
even the mention of
seeing you makes
my heart

I am cold
I am dark
I am hostile
I am alone
You are warm
You are bright
You are open
You are home.
Guess who's back - back - back - back again - gain - gain
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