Falling down
Is not an excuse
To stay down

At different points in my life, different events changed my life for both better and worse. This is a collection of letters to myself throughout different periods of my adolescence.


    Dear Mia, you are nine years old, and you just lost your grandfather, the only one who truly understood you and all of your quirks, that later on people will call ‘social’ and ‘generalized’ anxiety.
Not only that, but your family moved out of your childhood home just months after. I know things are really confusing and painful right now, and that you can’t hide in your mom’s closet anymore, because this house is different.
You search for new hiding places, trying and failing to find a new sense of security. You will not find this until you are thirteen, so please stop searching so hard.
Losing your grandfather feels like the end of the world, because this is your first loss. Honey, it will not be your last.
You’ll get used to it.


    Dear Mia, you are ten years old, and you have just met your Nana’s ex-husband. He asks you to call him grandpa. This makes you very uncomfortable, because you already had a grandpa, and he’s dead now. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do.
Do not call him grandpa, and do not try to get close with him. All he will do is use you to trick people into believing he is getting better, that he’s clean.
He isn’t, and he will never be. He has **** and ******* stashed in different parts of his house; stop going there.
You are too young to know what they smell like, but you do anyways.


     Dear Mia, you’re finally a teenager! But you assume this makes you a woman now. You are not, and I urge you to not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Your favorite uncle just shot himself and your mom refuses to ever get out of bed. She never looks you in the eyes anymore. You feel like a part of you has died- whatever you do, do not try to fill that emptiness in your heart with a boy.
Especially not him.
It will not help. If anything, it will make you feel a thousand times worse, and you will never be able to shower enough times to get the feeling of his filthy hand prints off of your body.
I know you want to, but please do not use a blade to try and carve out where he touched.


    Dear Mia, you’re fifteen, and the next couple years will be the most painful. The only thing you will be able to think about is suicide. Your uncle’s and Connor’s, and the attempts of James, Katelyn, and Kait’s.
Maybe even your own?
I am begging you to not steal your dad’s scotch bottle. It tastes disgusting, and it won’t help anything; all it will do will create yet another bad habit.
You didn’t listen to me before, and you started cutting.
Please stop.
It will only make you more paranoid than usual, and the scars that mark your body will only make you even more self conscious (yes, that’s possible, unfortunately).


    Dear Mia, suicide is not the answer. Stop.


    Dear Mia, you finally got some professional help. Depression and anxiety crept into your mind and made themselves a home, but pills will help.
Do not refuse them, it will only make things bad again. Also, this girl has a crush on you. You’ve been friends for a while, and she kissed you last night.
Do not date her.
You are only lonely; you do not actually have romantic feelings for her. She has mental issues that will only mess up your recovery.
She is manipulative and possessive.
Do. Not. Date. Her.


    Dear Mia, you are seventeen. After dating that girl, you felt completely worthless. You are not worthless. It may not seem like it, but you have so many friends that care for you; you will realize this soon, because that girl is about to become nasty and violent, and these friends will help you stand your ground when standing your ground seems impossible. She will move in a few months and although she will try to contact you, you will not answer.
You will be able to breathe again; I promise.


    Dear Mia, it is 7:55 on a Friday morning. You are able to get out of bed again. You are able to do your makeup without crying in the mirror. I’m proud of you. It took you a very long time to be able to do this, I know, but it was worth it. Things still hurt, but friends are there to lessen the pain. Thank them.

Every atom here
is connected to yours
there.

If we'd only listen
Not with ears
Or see with eyes

Not with brains
or Skin
Only within

You are not there
and I not here
We are one

In a blazing sun
Of colliding
and confiding

It's your being
and mine
Intertwined

Wondering what I should write
and floundering in my own confusion
I thought – why not write about poems
that set me thinking what poems are
A poem could be anything.......!
at best, distilled thoughts put into rhyme
or a moment caught in time
a window glimpse into the world
an engrossing passion’s ardent curl
a snap shot of scenes from Nature- wild
or a slice of life, birth or death
      
sometimes it could be a yearning  
or an image long hung on a pole
a thought turned inside out
or the emptying of a mind about to spill
it could be the liberation of a fancy,
for long held in thralldom
a gnawing pain, long suppressed
or a secret, never divulged
      
As I pondered over the subjects’ enormity
and a poem’s vast scope,
I asked myself- ‘Why hesitate?’
soon I felt a stir inside,
my thoughts broke loose
a terrible block lifted off my head
my silence became audible
I embroidered these thoughts
into the pattern of a poem

Here it is before you, have a look at it
Will it annoy you or will you enjoy!

I want to believe in a world
Where ashes do not go back to ashes,
Where dust will not go back to dust,
Or into the bones
Of oblivion.

I want to believe in a world
Where hats would drop off
When the artist speaks,
Or sows together pieces
Of melancholy and precision.

Yes, I want to believe in this perfect world
Where a thought can be bought
For more than a penny,
But for a whole
Golden mine.

This world is both yours and mine,
So please believe in it,
So we can stop beating around the bush
When it comes to you and me
And art.