We blame society
For the demons in our head
But the monster inside is ourselves

It's the little things that make me feel alive.

Like watching my pulse beat through my body.

Or driving with the windows open.

Or watching someone laugh harder than they ever have before.

Or seeing the look in someone's eyes as they stare at you like you're the best thing that's ever happened to them.

Or that adrenaline rush as you drop from the top of a roller coaster.

I want to run free because that would make me feel more alive than ever.

And I never want to stop because I don't want to stop feeling alive.

What have we done?*
One minute we're inseparable and the next we're at war.
               Back and forth.
                                  Round and round.
                                                  I can't keep up anymore.

Both of us carry baggage.
Both of us have scars.

We're so different from what we used to be.
Time sure changes everything.

The cage that we locked ourselves in was shrinking.
                 We needed to be set free.
                                  We needed to spread our wings and fly.

Our broken souls weren't meant to be held back.
But maybe our rough and jagged edges are supposed to fit together.
Or maybe we're like two puzzle pieces that don't connect.

Maybe we'll never really know.

But there's one thing I do know.

When we were bound by shackles and chains, I made you a promise.
                   One I intend to keep.

So now that the chains are broken and the bonds are set free, *remember that forever and always lasts for eternity.

Your breath hung in the air on that cold winter morning. Your lips meeting the frost that grazed the tip of your nose. You wondered about life and pondered all the possibilities. Your questions bounced around like snowflakes trying to land. One by one they fell. Fell from those delicate lips I so desired to meet. Not once did you stop to look at me. You just continued proceeding, speaking as though the whole world was listening. Thought after thought. Your brain was like a jumbled puzzle that only you knew how to put together. You spoke in riddles, expecting me to understand. I think it was just a way to keep the walls around your heart built. But I wanted to try to break down your heart made of stone. I wanted to weave my way through the maze of your soul and find the person I fell in love with. Finally, my presence caught your attention. You gazed at me like I was a star that fell from the sky. You grabbed me and pressed your lips against mine and I felt like the universe had exploded. I watched your eyes as you pulled away and I saw cracks in the walls you built where there had once been solid stone. One by one I watched them crumble. Never before had you let someone get this close. I swore I wouldn’t hurt you. Protecting your heart and all that came with it. I would never forget this moment. My mind would always replay this day like a broken record. That was the day you promised me that I would be yours for infinity. *I didn’t know how long infinity meant to you, but I knew I never wanted that infinity to end.

You shot the bullet
And I stood right in the line of fire
Not a bone was shattered
Only my fragile heart

She was as confusing as a mystery novel
Giving up enough clues
But not enough to solve the puzzle

Her eyes were blackened
With disappointment and pain

Her body was hallow
For she had given too much of herself away

The intensity of the numb feeling
Grew stronger every day

She had been frost bitten
And was left with nothing but a cold heart.

This black hole keeps ******* me in. Pulling me farther and farther down. The minute I find my feet again, I'm knocked back down. I'm suffocating. Losing air. I can't breath anymore. All I feel is pain. Sorrow and hatred. Bitterness and anger. This isn't healthy. But there's no escape. I can't find my way out. I can't see the light. God take this from me. I can carry this anymore. It's too heavy and too much. What do I do? Where do I go? Is there even a way out of this? Or will I continue to drown in this pool of emptiness?

I'm fine. Two simple words. But they aren't anything close to simple. Behind them lies a world of pain. Masked by the simple statement. It's a cover up. A way of dodging the bullet. But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hiding everything with "I'm fine."                             
My dad is losing his job.
That's not fine.
My mom is getting worse.
That's not fine.
I'm gonna have to get a job to help pay for things. That's not fine.
I'm going to have to sell memories of my life to help.
That's not fine.
So don't look at me and ask if I'm okay and believe me when I say I'm fine.
I'm lying.

I wonder if you realize that every time I feel your skin, it's just an excuse to touch you.

I wonder if you realize that every time I grab your hand, I just want to have our fingers perfectly laced and intertwined with one another.

I wonder if you realize that every time I lay on your chest and put my hand on your heart, I'm feeling your heartbeat because I love that you're alive there with me.

And I wonder if you realize that every time I look at you, I fall even more hopelessly in love with you.

Sometimes I wonder what freedom feels like.
What fresh air feels like in my lungs.
What a "good day" truly feels like.

But then sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not have fears.*
To not be cripppled by anxiety over the thought of being around people.
To not have thoughts running marathons in my head.

And then sometimes I wonder what life would be like without the pain of depression.
What it feels like to be okay.
**What normal feels like.

All she wanted was to be alone. She found peace in the silence. She wanted to escape. Escape from the harsh reality that drove her mad with every waking moment. She wanted to be left alone with her thoughts. The ones that slowly killed her. Her mind spun out of control. The world became a dizzy blur. Her head pounded. The thoughts fighting for their way out. She thought she was going insane. The pain that filtered through her would never leave. The tears were building up quickly, threatening to run over. But this time she wouldn't stop them from coming. Hiding was too exhausting of a task. No more biting her tongue. No more built up anger. She was a grenade that had just exploded. Except this time, she would rise from the ashes.

There's a girl.
Everyday she sits in the back of the room.
Hiding.
Hiding from reality.
Hiding from the truth.
No one notices her.
No one even cares.

Everyday she goes home and cries.
Pours out her soul.
She screams in the pillow to muffle the sounds.
She no longer feels alive.
Numb to the world.
Numb to everything.
She feels nothing.

Slowly she gets up.
She walks to the bathroom.
In a trance.
She grabs the razor like she does every afternoon.
But today is different.
She's had enough.

She turns on the water and fills the tub.
Scalding hot.
Just what she likes.
She slips in and lets the water burn her.
Lets it creep into every scar.

Her skin's on fire.
But she could care less.
She won't feel the pain much longer.

Shaking, she grabs the razor.
Thin, delicate lines.
All lined up like tally marks.
Counting the times she felt alone.
The times no one cared.
The number of people that hated her.

One by one they bled.
It was like drawing a picture on her precious, porcelain skin.
Spelling out a message.
The message she's been trying to tell everyone.
But no one listens.

The water quickly turned crimson red.
The background to the portrait of her body.

The cracks in her heart grew wider.
But no light could shine in.
For the darkness was taking over.
Just like it had taken over her mind.

No longer would she feel the hate from everyone at school.
No longer would she feel inadequate to her parents' demands.
No one would miss her anyway.
She was just a blur.
Blending into the walls that held her captive.

Soon it would be over.
Shutting out the world that shut her out, she took her last breath.
The life poured out of her.
Her body went limp.
Feeling alive again no longer mattered.

Outside the rain poured.

The clouds were a dark grey, forcing me to see an image of how I felt inside.

I watched as the rain streaked the windows, reminding me of the tears that had once streaked my tear-stained cheeks.

I felt connected to the storm.

Like somehow it was speaking the words I couldn't force myself to tell you.

I could only hope you would hear the rumble of the thunder and see the strike of the lightening as well.

Maybe then you would realize the storm you put me through when you broke my heart.

Someday the tempest will pass.

The sun will break through the clouds and shine once more, reflecting light into the darkest parts of my heart.

I will blossom like a flower after a spring shower.

And you'll see me there, in the rainbow, *reminding you of the promises you broke.

Tick. Tock.* One. Two. Three. Four. Lost in thought. Distracted and gone. Time passing by like a whirlwind. My mind is wandering again. The voices in my head overshadow my thoughts. I think too much. Sometimes my thoughts are too overwhelming. Why won't they stop? Why do all my thoughts lead back to this? I just want them to end. I want them all to end. I want to feel alive again. I want to breath without suffocating. Live without drowning. I lie awake at night. Crying. Thinking. Desperately wanting to find an escape. Someone please save me, before these thoughts **** me slowly.

She carved the words into her skin that she couldn't say out loud and she painted murals on her arms that she couldn't draw on paper. Watercolor portraits of blood and tears. She was an artist in the most tragic of ways.

I have a package of letters from you. Unopened.
I still have every message you sent.
Still not reread.
I see pictures of us on my laptop.
I cringe.
Every reminder brings back memories and those memories bring back you.
Some days I miss you.
Others, not at all.
But no matter what
I can't forget
I won't forget
I still remember
You.