All my life I've searched
hoped
prayed
for the kind of connection I saw
in Disney movies I grew up with
in the books I clung to so desperately to escape reality
in the eyes of my grandparents when they spoke to one another...

I fell into the trap of my past
with abusive lovers of all kinds
giving my heart to those who threw it aside
to shatter into shards like a thousand sparkling rubies
without a second thought

You came into my life as a cloud passing across the sky
adding something new to my horizon
without me knowing just how much you would grow
to influence my life

Over time we grew to be thick as thieves
you became my closest and dearest friend
I didn't know that whole time you were falling in love with me
patiently waiting for me to see what you already knew

Three years you waited
battling your problems as well as mine
staying by my side through the worst of storms
ever waiting until my past finally cleared
and recognition occurred.

My heart and soul recognized yours
in the way I'd always been told would happen:
I just knew.
I finally opened myself up to the purest, deepest emotion I'd ever felt
and let you in.

Deep in my bones
I know
I will spend my life with you
laughing, playing, adventuring, growing
carving our friendship, our love, into the fabric of this world
and creating a path together through sun and storm.

I will love you with every fiber of my being
in this life and the next

I've given my heart away for the last time
to my best friend
to my dashing rogue
to my lifemate.

My palms split open on my broken heart
My blood paints the roses red
The lying rabbit runs away
taking a few shards
of my shattered looking glass heart
to adorn her shallow watch
Grasping slivers I tumble down
tears and blood
mingling with a salted tang
screams rip my throat
nightmares choke my mind
Her watch ticks on...
Bitter cold gives way to golden afternoon
my no longer white Rose lies with Tweedle Dum
wrapped in rapture
loving, living, in the sun
Shy Violet hovers at the edge
twinkling in and out
Cheshire cat wears a different face
luring me with a flashy grin
I reach out in friendship, shiver away in fear
moving through the Red Queen's maze
The Carpenter walks beside me
confessing love I do not have
The Hatter appears before me
reaching out, sea colored eyes bright
His touch so bittersweet I sigh
He'll leave again when the gold fades...
As the momeraths scamper and play
the flowers whisper "You'll be okay"
While doctors force pills down my throat
and strap me to a bed
the Jabberwock lurks inside
clawing. shrieking.
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD

I need a trip to Wonderland
an escape from the pitfalls of life
there is a bottle peeking from the shelves of the fridge
drink me, it says.
So I do.
every last drop...
little cookies in a box whisper "eat me."
so I do.
just one or two.
one more bottle, just a little sip to get me to the right size
to fit in the door...
I crawl up to bed
curl up in a blanket of clouds.
listening to the wind whistle through the trees,
and the rhythmic ticking of the clock
my sweet kitten blinks her big blue eyes at me
asking why I am staring at the flowers painted on the wall
can't she hear them singing?
warm wet tears pool below my lashes
sliding down my cheeks, splashing onto the sheets
drip drip drip
I know what is waiting for me
when I wake up...
but until then,
oh, just for a little bit,
I want to be happy.

An old feeling resurfacing after years of repression.
I've danced this awful dance before.
Unable to resist the magnetic chemistry sparking between us
A familiar weight of longing settling on my chest...
logic says no
foolish heart beats
what if? what if? what if....?
Is this cycle born of loneliness? of habit?
Or are you just that embedded into my heart and soul that I cannot shake you from my core?
Is this real? A fantasy?
How do I know which you are?
Trapped in a Harlequin romance
empty words and fading dreams my only consolation
while I waltz through the heartache and confusion
All the while wondering maybe, just maybe,
this time will be different...

One year since you left
One year since you betrayed me
One year since you broke my heart...

Yet I still cry...
I still hurt...

I have tried to forget
tried to move on
the pieces I pick up
Scatter with the Wind
just when I think I have them all...

You have been on my mind more than you should
Nightmares.
Passing Thoughts.
Dreams.
Leaving me cold when they disappear
dull ache lingering until my pathetic heart pauses...

Doomed to be distracted
by cartoons
by books
Trying to drown your memory
in a Sea of Fantasy...

There lived a girl, average and plain
nothing special about her aside from her naivete-
foolishly believing all people were good,
loving and trusting everyone she met.

She found types of love as she grew,
picking them like wildflowers
witnessing them bloom and die
pricking her soft little fingers on the same thorns
again and again
each time hoping the bloom would last forever
and crying her poor little heart out when it didn't

She wandered through life
wondering why evil triumphed over good
why kind-hearted people were hurt by heartless ones
never truly finding an answer
year after year

She grew into a woman,
cautiously edging away from innocence
eyes forced wide open with a heavy dose of heartbreak
the betrayal and sadness created anger that lurked in her belly

In the midst of winter she tasted lust
spiced and warm with a strong embrace
allowing it to carry her into a darker realm where numb pleasure ruled
faith was a memory, hope flickered

No longer white as snow
she marveled at how well she now fit
into the world slowly being devoured by shadows.

Back together again
the three of us
just like it was in high school
late night talks when we should be studying
Princess Parties and making fun of our favorite cartoon movies
teasing each other
laughing until it hurts
creating inside jokes
I never realized just how much I missed this...
How is it that these two girls make my world brighter,
just by smiling
even after six years?