Existence is exhausting
Do you feel it?
I barely open my bleary eyes when
My warm bed seduces me to stay
But I tear myself away to
Sit with a straight back or else
Fingers attempt to move on the keys
Avoiding the word “Facebook”
I fight with my hands, step with my feet,
Faster, harder, effort goes in
World spins in motion and I along with it
Grinding, grinding harder
Because life grinds back
Because I’m going somewhere
Or at least, I want to go somewhere
Really though, I go to bed
Yesterday fades away
Into tomorrow, no mercy
Everything all over again
The treadmill of time knows no bounds –
Existence is exhausting.

I found success, he says
Over and over and over again.
I found success.
I found success.
He’d wanted to win the Nobel Prize too,
Also repeating over and over
I’ll win the Nobel Prize.
I’ll win the Nobel Prize.
As if it were a mantra
Reminding himself
Of who he wanted to be
Where he wanted to go.

He repeats many things over and over
What he eats every day
Where he walks every day
How furiously he writes
How furiously he talks
How furiously he scowls
And yells at the contrary.

He’s convinced himself of many things
He’s convinced himself he’s headed
To the Nobel Prize
To the greatness he deserves
Or rather, that he is
If he just keeps scratching away
The same pace every day
The same, the same
Same same, same same.

Speak with the gentle touch of wind
Grazing cheeks gracing light touch of feeling,
Or with soft chirping of birds
Floating sweetly under gently rays of sun -
With the lazy drift of clouds
Whispering news from afar to distant lands.
Though subtle all follow their track,
When not - all heed their wrath.

Be the heart that speaks
That shows its candid splendor,
Expresses its simple love -
Be the one who smiles
Instead of the one who smiles back not.
Even though it pains
When icy tentacles pierce the open gates
Plunging down to frightful depths.
Because you will find that love
Is stronger than its opposite
Tears down all walls
Rebuilds all bonds,
Love is all that's left
After all else been seen.

A memory comes from my past to me
Much cherished set in rose well remembered,
A ****** of a gentle note set free
From touch and scrutiny of future blur.
Examined more I start to see the cracks
That never were had I not looked astray.
They grow wickedly now set in their tracks,
My vision dims, upon me much it weighs.
Spent days in torpor, spent nights discontent,
Escape ultimately sinks down in vain
For it is I my own storms do invent,
Who sows the salt of wounds preserved in pain.
Look not unfondly of your deeds bygone,
Left alone in tepid ash - new life dawns.

My feet splayed wide
In front blue doors embossed in white
Steel plated portals concealing
Most mundane sights as I passed by
Men and women scurrying
Though mostly sitting transiently.
Ghosts of day chased away
By neon signs that light the night
Glowing to life as silence of stillness
Bites deep into bone,
Lingering as the eye sweeps city darkness
Transfixed by baubles of towers striking starless sky –
Whispers of promise of greatness someday.

All is silent now as I reflect
On deeds of the day
Done by those who’ve scurried away.
Away to forget, away to escape
The days and days of gray,
Different yet same suffering returns,
Borne with indifference, suppressed hope
Flowers not to fruition.
Those beer halls and dance halls
Provide respite to tired senses,
Overwhelm them with stimulation
Drown them in torpor.
Drown them in bliss.
Drown them in release –
From endless cycle.

I see it stretch horizon to horizon
Black infinity, no release
Nothing above, nothing below
The path stretches only forward –
Familiar backdrop, grayest of grays
Beyond which lies a mirage,
What I don’t know, but oh
How comforting that dreariness
That comes entwined in dread.
Dread of what’s ahead,
Escape from what’s behind
Ignorant above and below.  
Dread, escape from dread
Suspended only, as deserved –
A tropical vacation.

One looks down, one ahead
Two eyes meet, hazel green
Dance of words, person read
Time will tell, who's been seen.

My life, ma vie
Floats the currents
Jetstream from afar –
Dare I spread my wings?
Dare I go to where I know not?
Ah life is tiring here
Watching others fly
Some crash, others disappear
Meh probably nothing better there
But really
What’s good about here?
Сучка.

Mind wanders to and fro
Settles not here nor there
Between events and things
Drifts endless spirals
Around you.

You are in my thoughts now
You are my thoughts
My thoughts are you

When it's time to leave
Items distilled into bags
A tear for hardships grieved,
A smile for memories had.

When light breaks through
Darkest of clouds
I know I had not a clue
My mind, in a shroud.

Steam rises from my cup
White tendrils twist and dance
Ephemeral intensity before me
Cannot be contained within.
It rises to be admired
For moments by watchful eyes
Daring to challenge natural laws
Conspiring to its end.
Yet inexplicable beauty remains
Long after tea cools
So I shall remember
Passion I had for you.

Notes weep through air
As dusk falls soft and fair
Windows high and bright
Bring golden glimmer of city light
We sit still, edge of frame
Engrossed by succulent tune
Fingers on black and white tame
The keys of eternal stories old.
They play melody of ages
Cross time, turn of this century
What has been shall rise anew
Whispers through air, chaos grows louder
Above still and silent trees of town
Ask nothing while they patiently wait
Droplets from the inbound storm.

Sooner or later you’d get sick of me.
What does it even mean to be  
Myself? What value does that bring
To you, me rambling off random things
Which intrude ingratefully into my head
Thoughts I’d never have even fed…
But what am I even saying here
These aren’t thoughts I hold dear.

This isn't about something
Particular, no, my fingers searching
Outside bounds what knowledge brings
Jabbing grabbing reaching lurching.

I saw it, a moment.
Flashing dazzling white
Lights up the darkness.

We stood there, a field
Joined by the hand
Breathing fresh scent of flowers
You like to photograph
Wafting, a gentle wind
Wishing us well, joining
Chorus of stars waltzing in symphony
The world turns as all falls into
Place around us, life blooms everlasting.

My eyes open, the spell broken.
The blast of Arctic wind
Strong on my cheek by the seashore
Which will soon carry me far
Away to another life.
I was told once by a sharp fellow that
Those who love the sea have a heart as expansive.
Well, I dredge now only pangs.

In darkness of mind I see your face,
Lines, creases of incredible grace.
I hear your words loud and clear,
Drifting notes that I hold dear.
My own I recall not so well,
Mismatched lines with faltering tone -
Imprison me within their cell
Chaining myself to them alone.
You would be right to leave me be
Yet I can't but hope you see the true me.

Endless grass on steppe,
In a year dries brown.
Wildfires burn it naught,
Spring winds give new rise.
Afar it takes old paths,
Links the barren town.
Seeing dear ones leave,
Floods me with feeling.

One day I hope you understand
All the cuts and bruises
I laid on your heart
All the cruel words I spoke
The suffering I gave you.

One day I hope you understand
What it all meant
To me, to us
What was meant to be
This, my flaws and I
Lurching drunkenly down the crooked path
Unlit by darkness in dead of night.

I too, am searching
For the way but it's oh so dark
So difficult to find the light
The light which I would give
To you, over and over
A thousand times if I could in a thousand lives
I'm searching endlessly in darkness
If I could just give that moment to you
Just one moment of that
Pure joy, pure bliss,
One moment of that light
I'm sure it will be, I'm sure I'll find it
Somewhere, just to pass it on to you
So you could have it
Forever and ever.

And you, you would be lit so bright
Even in the midst of darkest night
I can see your shining face glisten
I promise it from my heart, listen -

If only I were to find the light
The light that would shine so bright
I search everywhere, I'm trying, I swear
High and low
Near and far
In and out.
But I ***** yet in darkness
For you, for you, my love.

On a call with friends
Reaching past the surface act
Will they find my heart?

Could I compare you to soft chimes in wind?
So pleasant an effect you have on all
Nearby, your secret laughter tingles skin,
And stays with me long past my heart enthralled;
But you are so much more than tickling notes:
I saw great beauty from deep in your eyes
Which would put to shame the greatest of boats,
For they would fail to fathom depth and size
Of trenches in your mysterious soul;
But I would offer to be brave and seek
To find the best in you and me, the sole
Experience for which we thirst, red cheeks
And all that could be dear to us be felt
When we meet again holding cards fate dealt.

White tendrils of morning smoke
Flee before a rising sun
Frost solid in darkness awoke
That night's sanctuary done.

Remember the magic in night
You, hidden from harsh light
Of day, company found in peace
Under full moon, if it'd never cease.

Oh where's it gone the moon
A full sky through different tune
Black melting, streaks on a wall
White rising, wafting out the hall.

Low ceiling presses inward
Pushing sky out of the window
Once glamorous now so distant
Image of an image of hope.

A glimpse of the present
From the past, as if the clouds had parted
To reveal breaking sunrays
Light the path tucked out of sight
Maybe they are the path
Of anticipation, tingles in the soles.

Legs are leaden
Forgetting flow of motion
As they cry out anticipating
Release of molecular bonds
Dictated by science, that inevitable calling
Infinite existence in one line
Failing to cage space
And time, the mistress one step ahead
Always too much or too little
The final curtain turns
Bones to ash.

Lift it up
What is outside the window
Is there. Seen then, seen now
Not with the midnight lamp
But with the gleam
With the spark
in your eyes.

Light slants across the path
Glistening beyond reach
A puffy cloud above floats
Through dense treetops.

Like the breath of spring
Or the first note of a symphony
Love waiting to burst into being
Colors exploding into life
Swirling beyond bounds
Boldly into darkness
Glitter leading the advance.
Soon it is time to leave the carriage
Down paths never traveled twice.

Day in day out
Rises with the work
Persists long past sunset
Shines brightly, blue and white hues

Staring day in day out
The wheel which spins
And spins and spins
How to stop the spinning?

Try harder, tread faster?

One day I'll be gone.
Do not cry for me
It was always meant to be
Like this.
I, a traveler in this life
Journey onward seeking.

I think to places I've been
Tales and visions and glory seen
Stones of great cities far and wide
Speak to stories, times of great pride.
Snow capped peaks, spine of the world
Shimmering mystery of heights untouched
Give down in endless amber plains graze the antelope freed
From bounds as trains roll through the scene
Onward to horizons hiding lands unseen.

No longer am I there
Memories turned to ash and dust
Time, the destroyer of all
Spares none come nightfall.

This feeble mind of mine
Journeys faithful through sands of time
Remembers few and far between
The kind words and kind souls
Pierced the boundaries that lie
Between here and there
If only for a moment.

Floating in the breeze
Lilting melody carries
Notes upon its back.

Tingles up the spine
Air fills up the chest
Vision tunnels in
Mind to oblivion

Words words, in the air
Here today gone tomorrow
Crumbs on a trail so fair
Traces of visions borrowed.

Words words, on a page
Etched, stained, deliberate thought
What is seen through the cage
Less than all more than naught.

Words words, on a screen
Running to running fro
Glittering, shimmering, a certain sheen
To the depths of desire we go.

Words words, in my head
In the dark void they boom
Tail me day and night into bed
Offering comfort, showing doom.

Words words, they exist
Fabric of the world we build
Beautiful snowflakes in our midst
Touching, tingling a void we fill.

Gentle waves sparkle in the sun
A world of blue, lit so bright.
Seamlessly without pause it runs
The city gleams in distant light.

Eyes, the window of the soul
So many, gazing upon the whole
World, billions twinkle brightly
Reflecting the starlit dome nightly.

Through letters
Through films
Words and speeches,
Judging different styles of breeches.
A face
A lip
A hand -
The grand show never ceases.

Turn towards another pair
Shine brightly, look so fair.
What do you see
When you find they too
Gaze into you?

To scratch or not to scratch -
That is the question.
Oh it begs me so
The sweet temptation
To dig in
Unlock the well of endless pleasure
Pleasure so sweet
Notice not when it turns to pain.
Endless cycles progress
Opened, a box is hard to close.

We say we'll sing
Yet we never do

Exalt happiness
Never arriving

Play cool at work
Talk work while chilled

Praise to peoples' face
Push 'em hearts' length away

Busy busy going places busy
Crashing out vegging away

More posts more stories
Less connections

More products
Less satisfaction

Shopping shopping shopping
No time for anything

Lots of words
Little meaning

More more, more everything
Or is it less, less, nothing?

Eternal in twilight it lurks
Deep in perpetual murk
That which is neither day nor night
Unseen, unheard - it takes its flight.

They stare
Blank looks in their eyes
Masking a deep cavern
From which bubbles arise.
A steady stream rising
Popping
Anger and fear which lurk
Into the open.

They squint
Trying to shut it off
Submerge it, strangle it
Strangling merely agitates
The bubbles further, faster.

Oh it rises
Oh they rise
How much longer?
I stare into their abyss
And their abyss stares into me.

Like moss covering the north face
Suckling the morning dew

Like a rose in a garden
Absorbing tenderness of the caretaker's hand

Like the fishling in the bay
Savoring sea grass drifting by

Like the young gull
Peeping persistently for their mothers' love

Like the oak tree
Biding the squirrel's forgetfulness

Or a boat
Painstakingly supervised under withered hands of sailors
Who themselves wizened over the years
Tasting the salt spray sweating under the sun

Like all existence
Holding the hourglass of time

So you too, my friend
Will grow to unimaginable heights.

Chaos chaos all around me
As far as my eye can see
They talk they talk
Of walks they'll never walk
Raising their voices to high pitched screams
They want me to accomplish their dreams

But wait a second
Hold on a bit
Slow down a moment.
There - do you see that faint trail
Overgrown, untrodden -
There, under the tall grass and trees
Heading to where I know not.

I do know
It goes where the highway does not.

I am the guardian of eternity
slowing time before my eye
which shimmers in and out.

I see days fall into nights which
melt into years and
drag into eons.

I am there
all of it
I am that.

I see no thing yet perceive every thing
out before me
a vast kaleidoscope

presents, the greatest illusion of travel
since all we do
standing here
and now.

Out of oblivion it floats
Faint whispers of a note
Past the sieve and grasping hand
Crumbs of a trail to distant lands

As you read these lines
Though we are far apart
Our eyes the same words find
Two souls with different hearts.
But mind follows after mind
Stepping cross the gulf of time
This moment like the infinite sky
We are not so different, You and I.

Travelling down a windy path
Between a mountain and a gorge
I came upon a meadow patch.

There in the grass tall and gold
I watched another path unfold.
Another wandered with her pack
Freely, gently, not looking back.

At the crossroads we took a rest
Picking flowers we thought best.
Sharing tales from far and wide
Singing, dancing stride in stride.

When it came to take our leave
Long and loudly did we grieve.
But our ways led on to other days
We were not destined there to stay.

Ever since I’ve walked and walked
Many have I stopped to talk.
Cities on cities with roads so wide
Bodies flooding like the tide.

Yet I’ll always know the place
A time when time passed with such grace
Two roads met by hand of fate
A spark, a story, it did create.

I remember a time in my past,
A fleeting moment, it did not last –
We met just for an hour,
Yet a long shadow it did tower.
So we parted ways,
To each our different days.
Well, what is there to say –
Except, nothing gold can stay

I have always marveled at
The nature of the enigmatic cat.
Here one moment gone the next,
They joy's fleeting if you will.
Yet absence leads the heart to fondness;
I understand why the cat absconds.
You live a wonderful life,
Of which others are lucky to experience a slice.

Beyond thick glass fell the ravine
Deeply hewn in cuts of steel
Rough asphalt bottom.
On a ledge hopped a crow and seagull,
One waddling fatly to the other
Hopping and squawking, poking
For hidden treasure just a beak tip away.
Together they dance on the rooftop,
Hop hop hop. They flop over,
Soaring into the blue –
Going to find another gully.

Let your spirit out into your body every day.
Let it not be chained,
Limited,
Obstructed,
Ruled
By expectation.

Let it be itself
Let it be free
Let it be true;
It will discover the truth.

Everything always is -
Doesn’t break
Or choose
Or divide.

It is always there,
Running cannot outrun,
Or prevent it from flooding inward.
Let it flood in,
Sweeping your despair
Your sorrow
Your hopes
Your dreams.

Let it fill you with warmth
With its presence.
Let it blanket your soul,
Swaddle it with peace,
Lay it down in light.

Your tide is rising.
You were not meant to be dammed.

A gong sounds from my mind:
Gong, Gong, Gong.
Struggle no further.
Cease and desist.

My mind echoes, hypnotized:
Gong, Gong, Gong.
This way the winds blow.
This way the future points.

The coming gale sweeps the sticks.
Flying off into the darkness,
One, two, whole thickets.
They bend,
They snap,
They vanish,
Without a trace.
As the river flows –
Inexorable, steady and slow.
They go, as far as we know.
Yet still, we do not know.
Whence do they come,
Where do they go?

The night heron stands at the water,
Unmoving
Unchanged.
She presents time bygone, the eons past,
Borne on the gentle rays of the full moon,
Glittering splendidly in silver beauty,
She is the serenity of stars playing hide and seek,
She is stillness, the very fabric of darkness itself.

O night heron, reveal to me –
The source of your mystery,
I desire your secrets as my own,
The thought, I’d no longer be alone.
Yet she is not one to be tamed,
No, she could not bear to be claimed.
What lies in a cage but woe,
Stolen beauty, a mere shadow.

The night heron stays not till dawn.
I look back for her; she is gone.