"dimag ka dahi"
karare **?" mother jokes
she is so correct

“are you turning your
mind into yogurt?”, that means
bacterial mush

cerebral dairy
sludge sloshes inside of my
hollowed cranium

how many times must
i repeat, “i don’t want to
take any with me”

before she listens,
and relents, and lets me go,
and i can breathe at last

all i want is to
disappear altogether
so she can’t see me

so she can’t scold me
when i have done nothing wrong
so she can’t tell me
all the things i’m doing wrong
so i won’t be rude
when she has done nothing wrong
the problem is me
not always, but it is now
i, who did not take
medications that i should
i, self-saboteur,
orchestrator of my fall
i, sun-baked, tired
composing this long haiku
syllables be ******

sweet coco next door
provides me with a reprieve
from these swirling thoughts

i have eight eyes-
silver eye, gold eye
scarred eye, gouged eye
her eye, his eye
moon eye, sun eye
i must be a spider
crushed underfoot by a hysteric woman,
more afraid of her than she of me

there, in that pool of blood
lies the evidence of my
arrogation to presume
i could make the world a fool

truths i declared were lies
swirl down the porcelain
drown in condemning pain;
my identity's demise

umbilical conceit,
crimson hypocrisy,
with this sure paradox
why do i not know defeat?

vices binding my soul; ever complying
perfect obedience; never denying
i'm silent no matter how terrifying
i'm on the verge of tears but never crying
my lungs only produce a quiet sighing
i'm screaming final breaths but never dying
and all the while my pain's intensifying
my wings fledged and outstretched but never flying
i try to speak but there's no point replying
i'm done with all your endless justifying

you could've changed, but you're just never trying

kind of? it just fills me with so much-- so much desperation when I think about how many people want to die.

and i spent, like, almost three hours or something yesterday trying to talk people out of it online. because i was thinking about it. but most of them didn't change their minds, or anything.

did i fail them? i could have been their last chance. i could have been so many people's last chance. i could have saved them if i'd known the right words to say.

Woah, hey, hey, I gotta stop you there. You can't blame yourself for it if... if they don't change their minds.You're not the reason they want to die, so it's... it's not your fault if they do. And you're not making them any more likely that they will, either.

no, no, i'm not. i know it's not my fault. but... i just care so much! i can't believe they want to die. i wish i could tell them that i'm here for them and i want to give them all the things they wanted and couldn't get because life couldn't give it to them. i wish i could show them how beautiful it all can be.

But you can't.
You can't even help yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask first, you know?

you and i both know that anything going on with me isn't nearly that serious

It should be.

what's that supposed to mean? are you trying to say that i should be worse? i should want... want to die?

No, no! Jeez. I mean you should take it seriously- as seriously as you've been taking random strangers' problems on the internet. If you don't take care of yourself, then maybe one day the tables'll turn and there'll be someone trying to talk you out of it. You matter too, you know. You're just human.

i

...Are you okay?

y
yeah. sorry. i'm just not used to this

Used to what?

you being nice?