Brain screaming so loudly
so many thoughts without words
so loudly I beat my head against the wall
a mallet breaking a drumhead
so loudly I swallow a scream
throat swelling, damming a sob
of defeat

I feel my thoughts clawing
cutting my mind
They need out
out
like a rat in the bucket
pressed against your chest
and the flame beneath will
make the rat chew through
your still beating heart

They need out

The thoughts without words
travel down from my head
towards my mouth
but my throat says
detour
you need words
to get out here
The thoughts without words
travel down from mouth
and into my heart
where it gets pumped
through
my veins
my body
everything
screaming
Screaming the message
the thoughts without words
are desperately trying to deliver
but do not belong in my body
So I grab the letter opener
slicing the envelope of my arm
hoping its red contents
spill the message inside

You say you love me
Just not my choice
What I hear is
                     your ignorance
What I hear is
                     I love you,
                                 all of you
                     Except the parts
                                 I do not want to love
                     Except the parts
I refuse to acknowledge because
they do not fit my frame
of reality
        
Do you not see the importance
of this part of me?
I would not choose
         a life of supposed immorality
         contrary to a lifetime
                                             of beliefs
         causing turmoil and
         inflicting pain on
the ones I love
I would not choose
         this confliction of
         body and mind
         residing in a life
         of constant discomfort
And yet
         here I am

I endure the pain
         of you rejecting
                     who I really am
         of judgment cast
                     by churched minds
         of sympathetic looks
                     saying Oh you poor,
                                                         lost soul

You poor, ignorant soul
You are blinded
         by your unblinding truth
Refusing to accept
things that may fall
                                 outside your preconceived box
                                 structured by misinterpreted men
                                 two thousand years ago

You can only see
through the cracks
         of the wooden slats
A view not wide enough                                                                              
to see the disentanglement
sgdexenre
s  d  xer
                     g   en e
of ***
and gender                                                                                   
A view not wide enough
to see that a person
is not determined solely
         by their given body
because bodies are temples
and temples need to be built
Temples need to be whole
         inside and out
Temples need to be refined
         after they are first built
                  Cut out rotting timber
                  Fortify with stronger rock
         and carve on the outside
         a reflection of the beauty
         lying within

My tornado thoughts
Spinning
Spinning
Spinning
Tearing ideas into
fragmented shrapnel
whipping around in the wind
one piece landing in my chest
the other miles away

My oil rig thoughts
Drilling
Drilling
Drilling
Diamond drill bits
sparkling yet damaging
ravaging the mantel
of my brain, hitting
a deep subconscious
oil pocket, black ooze
gushing out to the surface

My flint spark thoughts
Burning
Burning
Burning
One spark hitting
the kindling forest full
of dried pine needle worries
igniting an uncontrolled
wild fire, turning everything
into black ash

These untamed beasts
Clawing
Clawing
Clawing
my mind apart

Some call depression
an ever-present cloud
Residing in the sky above
sad and dark and storm-ridden
Blocking the sun and
emptying its rain
so cold and wet

No
Suspended in the air
Clouds cannot touch you
They cannot reach out
after you have broken free
and claw you back
Talons of pain
digging into your gut while
the foul stench of its breath
seeps into your pores
eating away your inside

No
It is not a cloud
Clouds do not touch you
Clouds do not crush you
beneath a monstrous weight
threatening to break the legs
that keep you standing
******* the strength
out of every muscle
so you cannot move
let alone run
to escape

No
It is not a cloud
Clouds do not touch you
Clouds do not crush you
Clouds do not haunt you
They do not sink their fangs
into your exposed neck
Releasing a powerful venom
into your veins
invading your mind with
thoughts and images that
poison your soul
Chaining you to its world of
terror and darkness

No
It is not a cloud
Clouds do not touch you
Clouds do not crush you
Clouds do not haunt you
Clouds do not blind you
They do not spit in your eyes
a black tar that is
thick with despair and
dark with sorrow
Coating your sight with
a filth that blinds you
from beauty and
all that is good

No
It is not a cloud
It is a monster that preys
on the strong and weak alike
It is a monster that hides
in the shadows unnoticed
Slowly eating the light
until there is none left
It is a monster that leaves
you with little hope
of making it out
Alive

My seductress, my siren
Sings her song tonight
Its sweet and sharp melody
Beckons me
I resist her call
Tying myself to the mast
Not to be released
Regardless of my cries

Tonight, the knots are not tight
Her cold notes whisper in my ear
All logic fails, intoxicated by her call
I know my fate, but every muscle
Strains against the rope
Heart pounding with the need
To join her in the deadly water
Crying out in agony
The knot slips
The rope fails

Tumbling toward the edge
Looking in to the steel water
Her song cuts deeper and deeper
Washing away all reason

I lean closer
Seduced by her call
A cold temptation seeping
Toward the heart
I lean closer
Come to me
There is no turning back
Closer
Her words an icy breath
Come to me
Her hands reach
Closer
Her touch sharp against my skin
Come to me
She presses deeper
Closer

I break

Unable to resist
I break
Throwing myself overboard
Her cold existence
Mixing with my warm blood

Deep red life escapes
Sweet relief
Her edge presses onward
I let myself go
Taken over by her song

The world disappears
Lost in her touch
Cold and sharp against my pale skin
Time halts
Minutes are years
Lost in her touch

She releases her grasp
I awake from my stupor
But it is too late
I have gone too far this time
She brought me to the darkness
Beneath the powerful sea
I cannot go back
I have gone too far this time

Tonight, the knots slipped
Tonight, the blade won

Words will never be enough
Dancing around the idea
Never conveying its depth
Filling the air with empty space
Useless when needed the most

Looking at the shining green leaves
Filtering the daylight
Some dry up and float
Softly in the wind
Crisp breezes taste like cider
Next to a warm fire

And yet

Where is the passion
That stirs when looking out
Feeling the breeze
Bite your nose, tussle your hair
Where is the unexplained joy
for festivities soon to follow
Where is the loneliness
That rises when looking up
At the bare branches
Catching the last rays of sun
Until the buds of spring

What can words do?
Attempting do describe
The depth of life
The intensity of emotion
Never able to completely succeed

I am an island
No words will allow
Anyone to know
The breadth of emotion

On the edge of lost
Expansive green sea
vast and very cold
No towns and no people
no roads at all

On the edge of lost
Trees and brush and sky
everything blended with everything else
The wilderness all one thing
The water everything
infinitely blue and beautiful
deep and icy
Giant pines
vaulting overhead
dense with color
blended into a smooth repetitive oneness
No natural laws, only nature
Purely wild

On the edge of lost
Gently curving mass of rock and pines
long green wall arcing out
as far as the eye could see
The immensity of things
so much water
so much sky
The wilderness seemed to bend
low under its own weight

On the edge of lost
Dense hypnotic drone of woods
Great liquid silence
An easy place to lose yourself
Both familiar and foreign
Like a great curving mirror

On the edge of lost