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May 2015 · 444
So Very Far Apart
K Marie May 2015
You are there, there, there
And I am here, here here.
Somehow we are both
At the center of a spinning universe
If I could I would keep you
At my center of centers
My heart of hearts
Of all that I am
Of all that I will be
Because it is the calmest place
And you deserve
A break from the storms.
But you are there, there, there
And I am here, here, here
And we are so very far apart.
May 2015 · 1.2k
Prions
K Marie May 2015
I never had much of an ability to be anything except an emotional disaster. I didn’t spend a lot of time outside of my head, and when I did it was usually to dive headfirst into the head of someone else. I spent the vast majority of my daily life in a broken-down shell of myself masquerading as someone that had their **** together. For some reason, people accepted the facade. That’s what they usually ended up liking.
    I always regarded myself as a disease. I had an incubation period that was relative to how long it took someone to get me to trust them. After that, the cells of my disease would rapidly multiply and explode, permeating the membranes of all of their senses and rationalities. My disease would break through the double-helix of their DNA and integrate itself in the fragile bridges of their nitrogenous bases, reflecting adenine for their thymine, cytosine for their guanine until finally the helix reunited, delicately interconnecting the chromosomes as I spilled out all the worst sides of myself.
    The infectious agents of my toxicity would then slowly descend the ladders of hydrogen bridges and filter back out through the phospholipid bilayer to swim freely into their bloodstream, swimming through their veins to seek out the nervous system. Freely hopping along synapses, my disease gently touches neurons and triggers proteins buried deep inside their nuclei, causing the slow degradation and eventual apoptosis, killing off the ability to recognize that I am not a normal person.
    The electrical impulses spread from axon to axon, igniting a ridiculous idea that I am no disease. The toxins follow the impulses, riding along the shockwaves. The toxins arrive in the mind and slide off the branches of electricity to hold fast to brain proteins, forcing them to take on the shape of the toxins and eroding holes in all the neural processing centers that govern reason and logic, robbing the person of the ability to detect all the red flags I wave frantically in front of their faces.
    The toxins slide into the erosions and stand upon the corpus callosum, the delicate connection between the cerebral hemispheres, and wonder at the magnitude of the destruction they cause. They take a running start and leap from hemisphere to hemisphere and back again, skipping between the associative areas and primary cortices so the immune system cannot ever catch them.
They settle in the prefrontal cortex, the seat of neural power, the orchestra of complex thought. The toxins settle deep into the gyri and sulci, wedge themselves into the folds of all the grey matter.
Once infection is over, once I have eroded the very cytoskeletons that hold their cells together, they breathe, “I love you.”
May 2015 · 2.5k
The Universe Explodes
K Marie May 2015
Everything and nothing
Happened at the same time.
To someone else perhaps
It is just a smile
But to me
The universe explodes
When you are near
And I can hear
All the ringing in my ears.
May 2015 · 929
Walking Through Flames
K Marie May 2015
I taught myself to walk through fire
Until the flames no longer burned
But my skin became scarred
And I couldn't see myself underneath it.

Ridges of scar tissue
Arranged themselves in your name
And I could swear
I saw your face among the embers.
I taught myself that pain was love
An inferno simply meant
That I was doing something right.
But the smoke began to choke me
And I could no longer see.

You left me to burn
But did you ever think
I could rise from the ashes?
May 2015 · 1.1k
As A Leaf in Autumn
K Marie May 2015
If I must die,
Let it be as a leaf does in autumn.
A brilliant flash of color
Gentle drifting to the ground.
Oh, let me die as a leaf does
When the mornings are cool
And the air is crisp.
Let me dance upon the breeze
Let me rest upon the pavement.
If I must die,
Let it as a leaf does in autumn
Fading away
Before the cold of winter.
K Marie May 2015
Somedays
He was all I had.
Somedays
I had no one at all.
I don't know which was worse.
May 2015 · 695
A Therapy Session
K Marie May 2015
I sit down after shaking his hand.
He asks how I feel.
The earth has swallowed me.
(Can you say more?)
The sadness has weighed me down
So much that I sank into the darkness
Below this realm of existence.
But I can't survive without it.
The sadness has grown with me.
I am not myself without it
But I guess it would be nice
To never experience wanting to die.
(His face changes
These are damnable words.
He watches me.)
But I do
In a strangely casual sense.
The desire is not all consuming
And sometimes it retreats
To the distant corners of my mind.
But it is always there
Ready to leap out
The next time I fall apart.
And when it does
It remains for a while
A cool undertone
To all my self-loathing.
You know,
We are all going to die,
Just like we are all going to file taxes
And curse in traffic.
Perhaps it is just one more
Mundane task
I would rather just complete.
K Marie May 2015
If I close my eyes
I can see yours.
If I reach far enough
Into my memory
Perhaps I can feel you
     Laughing
     Breathing
     Speaking
I know our quiet
Gentle moments
Because I have lived them so much more
Than once.
May 2015 · 206
He Walks In
K Marie May 2015
He walks in
                  and the air leaves
                                              my lungs
                                                 and
the room.
May 2015 · 1.3k
My Worst Enemy
K Marie May 2015
It creeps in out of nowhere.
It climbs my spinal cord
Breeching vertebrae after vertebrae.
It slides across my neck
And coils on my shoulder.
It begins to speak
Hissing in my ear
And suddenly I am
Sick with fear.
It begins in my stomach and
It makes my hands shake.
You will never be good enough
It says.
I will never be good enough
I repeat.
I am
    It is
My worst enemy.
It is a shadow
And I can never see the sun.
May 2015 · 259
Why Can't It Be True?
K Marie May 2015
Sometimes I feel strange
Like I don't exist
And this is all some
Projection of a dream.
Sometimes that terrifies me
And other times
I wish it were true.
May 2015 · 262
A Lack of Existence
K Marie May 2015
Sometimes the world seems so large
And I am so small
It swallows me, indifferent
Leaving this anxiety
Tingling in my spine.
My stomach turns
My hands shake
And the loneliness settles
As a dull ache.
Even my own reflection is unfamiliar
And my own name
Is an unknown language.
It is like being the only one awake
At 3AM
Except it is 7:30PM
And the world still seems
So far away.
May 2015 · 382
Conversations At Night
K Marie May 2015
You are the sun
And all of the sky.
(You are the stars
They live in your eyes.)
You are gravity, orbit, and space.
(You are matter, energy, and grace.)
You are whispers
Murmurs in darkness.
(You are resolution
A feeling of catharsis.)
You are questions
Quiet and calm.
(You are my heart
It rests in your palm.)
You are spring, summer and autumn.
(You are trees, reaching up from the bottom.)
You are water
Ocean and sea.
(You are sunrise
The only colors I see.)
You are the streets
And all of the lights.
(You are the laughter
Late into the night.)
You are the only thing I can see.
(You are consuming all of me.)
May 2015 · 573
Bluebirds
K Marie May 2015
I killed baby birds once.
I was small.
I knocked down the nest.
I did not know what I was doing.
The next morning
The three babies
Were frozen to death
Still huddled together for warmth.
I cried the whole day.
It still bothers me
When I think about it.
What a senseless death
What a waste of life
What a mistake to make.
Maybe that was the first time I realized
How delicate life is.
K Marie May 2015
What a sight
Harsh, bright light
Mattress stripped of sheets.
Sea of clothing on the floor
(you didn't clean anymore)
Pack of condoms on the nightstand
Your balled fist
My shaking hands.
Have some *****!
(maybe a fifth?)
I was certain these situations
Were merely high school myth.
Fifteen years old in your cellar
My mothers questions
(You said never tell her.)
I couldn't know it was a mistake
(Though later I found out
Since I was drunk
It was ****.)
Why did you even keep me around?
I was so lost
But believed I was found.
But let me ask you this:
If I had said no...
How fast would you have sent me home?
May 2015 · 986
Weekday Afternoon
K Marie May 2015
How soft the world seems to be
On a weekday afternoon.
With clouds in the sky
And silence in the house.
How carefully the wind weaves
Through branches planning new leaves.
The cars pass quietly
Sparse on the road.
It is as though everyone
    collectively
Is afraid to shatter the silence.
It is as though the world is holding its breath.
May 2015 · 414
Equal and Opposite
K Marie May 2015
How wonderful it is to know
That in some very distant universe
   Where the equal
   And opposite reactions
   Are held
I live a life that did not derail
The moment you said
Hello.
May 2015 · 534
Homes
K Marie May 2015
I have always found homes strange.
Perhaps not houses themselves
But the stillness in them.
I always found it strange
How people leave things
Always under the impression
That they will come back to them.
I guess it makes things
That much worse
When they don't.
May 2015 · 827
1000 Little Deaths
K Marie May 2015
We all die
1000 little deaths
While waiting for
The real thing.
May 2015 · 396
Every Night
K Marie May 2015
I wish it would rain every night.
It is white noise
Everywhere.
Preventing the dark from being silent
Preventing my mind from being loud.
I wish it would rain every night
So I could lay here
In the stillness
While drops of water
Explode on every surface.
May 2015 · 520
Number five.
K Marie May 2015
You took Zoloft.
It killed your ability to ******.
You were stubborn, though.
It
took
two
hours
for
you
to
come
and
despite
my
protests­
you
couldn't
give
it
up.
So I had to.
Your couch was disgusting.
Your ******* on my skin
Was even worse.
May 2015 · 858
Melting Points
K Marie May 2015
They say that everyone’s DNA
has a different melting point.
That means that everyone has
a different point at which
they cease to be
a person.
At which the very ladders
that create who we are
collapse and die...
leaving us inane and
indistinguishable
from all the other
decaying organic matter around us.
So I wonder
which of us is stronger?
Which of us
    in the appropriate
    circumstances
would hold onto our being longer?
Would I melt into you
or
would you melt into me
first?
Would I fall apart first
unable to withstand
the pressure
give myself up
and everything that has
created me
or would you?
Would the
hydrogen bridges
that stagger your double-helix splinter
and break first?
Would I hold up?
For that matter
what force governs
the melting points of our DNA?
What dictates when
our strength of character will fail
when we will lose
all of ourselves?
No matter how comfortable
in your own skin you are
no matter how strong
you hold your convictions
at some point you will
wither and die.
We are all
such
fragile
beings.
Strange formatting and grammar is purposeful.
May 2015 · 987
Depression As A Third Wheel
K Marie May 2015
I spent a long time trying to make you understand
The darkness inside of my head.
I tried every way I could think of
To reconcile it to you.
But each time you watched my mouth move
Entirely unable to comprehend
All the words that were spilling out of it.
Each time I watched your face
When I was upset or in the grips of a depressive spell.
At first you were pained
Wishing you could reach me across this ocean my mind put between us.
But each time after
I watched your eyes
And saw less sympathy.
I saw less compassion, less love
More exasperation, impatience.
You couldn’t understand my world of grey
Telling me to please just see the colors.
But I can’t
And I never could.
You couldn’t understand why I pushed you away
Telling me to just ******* let you in
And I try so hard I give myself panic attacks
But I don’t think I ever could.
You couldn’t understand why I would hurt myself
Telling me it wasn’t an adult way to deal with my problems.
But I lose myself in such a panicked sadness
The only way out is through a blade.
You couldn’t understand why I would want to die
Telling me I should never think that way.
But I am so ******* sick of the constant sadness
Of trying so hard to just survive
That I do think that way
And I probably always will.
You couldn’t understand why I would purposely sabotage our relationship
Telling me to just stop, because I was destroying us.
But I can’t stop
I can’t stop
I can’t stop the fear of ending happiness
Of ending love
And I never will.
I know that I don’t make you happy
Because your eyes grow distant between your long lashes.
I know that I am exhausting
Because I hear it in your voice whenever I begin to tell you
About all this sadness I carry in my  bones.
Nothing feels worse than knowing
My sickness is chasing you further away
And there isn’t a ******* thing I can do
Except hope I wake up from this nightmare
But I can’t
And I never will.

— The End —