I am looking at this plastic table cloth with longing
It's reminding me of the surface of the ocean
in the moonlight
obviously it's summertime in my thoughts
and the sand is cold
my feet are hot
I'm going to go run into the surf
the sea is so black and sparkling
I am solitary
and so is it
and we are solitary together at the same time
so we are one
and each other's companion for the night
Ocean
I like to watch you even at a distance from the lifeguard's chair
and behold your magic
And our relationship is passionate and enduring
and you will keep me forever
rocking my distraught mind
just like a ship
on a wave
you are making me feel all
lazy and hazy
I think I love you
I think
we belong together
all by ourselves in the presence of one another
Because we are alike
Because you're so blue in the day
and so black at night

the nights with you
are long
red velvet
carpets
rolled out for majesty

I'm sitting here just to think of my thoughts
I had to come here to sit down with a coffee
just to pull them out of my head
I come in and set up a chair
Pick a good spot
Stare out
Think whatever I think
But at first nothing comes
Nothing comes out for a long time
Then it starts to leak out like jam through a sieve
I don't think they want to come out
My life is an art of holding back
I'm always keeping it from exploding
Erupting
in one long loud chaotic ******
of pain or heartache
melancholy, happiness, wildness, rage, anxiety, avarice and all the rest
Oh god
It's all so near
Perhaps near to us all
Which is why we seek the infinite distraction
the world provides in plenty
Silence can *******
Because there's too much there

I don't even know what this song was about
Cigarette break

I love a good cigarette now and then
In my dream I can smoke them without dying
In my dream I can have the things I want
I'm not ashamed
In my dream I find all my lost sweaters
and I swim naked in the ocean

There's something wrong
when I see his phone on the couch
But he's not home
He's at the store
for sure
I say to myself
But my face slides down into it's familiar position because it knows
What I pretend not to
But it's hard to pretend
4 hours later
And it's hard to pretend
10 hours later
When I get off work and there's no new messages waiting
And even though I was cool
when he told me
he stole 700 dollars from me
It was hard to pretend
When he told me later
He'd been doing it for days

And so what am I supposed to do
when I return to this mess
To this overturned chair
******-up cover
This disgusting room tarnished by your wrath
Well I just turn over the pillow
to hide the tears and mascara stains
I just toss it over the other side is fresh
ready and waiting
But it smells foul like
******* please leave this house
Crafty manipulator that you are
You think everything has submitted
to your unspoken whim
Hiding weakness and sensitivity
It's plain for me to see
I know it seems like I know what I think
But I don't know what I think about you
Violator
You are a grotesque farce of a man
I take a shower so the water silences
and washes away my tears
So you don't even have to know
And I turn right-ways the chair you threw
So you don't even have to remember what you've done by tomorrow
But I will not go sit with you now
and watch TV
acting as though this never happened

Days like these
I say
I feel dead inside
but no
I have no feelings
I'm numb
like I
ran out of time and I wasn't finished
and now there's nothing I can do
I would have felt regret
if there were something I could have done
to stop it
but that was impossible so instead
I just feel nothing
except a faint illness
and an incurable fatigue
so truly tired
an indescribable overwhelming sense of stopping trying
and stopping pushing against it
so that my body
all of a sudden
feels like floating