Ill never forget the sickening feeling i got when i watched you try to swallow a handfull of pills.. i quiet literally cried so hard it made me physically sick and everything went black with the thought of you dying... i didnt have the stregnth to stand anymore, i collapsed with the weight of your pain.. im so glad he was there to stop you, because i all i could do was scream with the air that was left in my lungs because trying to take a breath was like trying to breathe under water..  to him i am forever grateful. I dont know what it is  that makes you so hateful.. everything after that seemed so... dark and hopeless. I am forever afraid, if just the thought of you not being here was enough to take the breath right out of me and make my whole world shake with destruction what am i going to do when you really do leave this world..

In this sea of words
You're my favorite catch phrase
Just seeing you makes me end up in a daze
Your face reminds me of a wonderful yet confusing maze
Puzzling yet so endearing
It leaves my face beaming

On the street, I have to pretend.
School, work.
Home, church.
I pretend.
To be cis.
To be straight.
To be everything everyone wants me to be.
But when I get by myself,
And shut my bedroom door,
I can breathe again.
I take off society’s rules,
I shake off gender roles.
I close the door on heteronormativity,
And I toss “She” in the trash.
I am me again. “Thank God.”

Circumstances are hinges
Where poetry swings.
They can open a door
To a million linguistic expressions
Or they can shut them off
**** them in the sore of your throat
But never mute the meaning of.
Meaning lays in the very state
Of furtiveness and nakedness
From which words, inner or external
Emerge.
When mine merge with yours
It's beautiful
But when feelings do
As ore as they can get
There is not a word
Left to say.


-- Eleanor

Snowball bushes and fresh grass
It wasn't summer yet I could feel the heat from you
Soft browns and whites, the pupils of your eyes more of a calm black
Lost in the youth of the moment
And the innocence of freshman year