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charles Feb 2022
not the terror,

nor the screams,

could ever bring [     ] to me,

while i painfully change,

into someone i cannot be.

no ocean, no sky,

floating in the dead of night,

could ever contain this pain of mine.
charles Jun 2023
you can't hold them,

even when they need it,

they don't all cry for help,

even when it's needed.
charles Mar 2020
you bought me things,
you dressed up nice.
all i needed was your smile.
hold your hand,
hope you felt you were enough.

i slept on floors,
dreaming you would come back home.
you never did,
you never know.

i'd live a hundred lives,
just to see your eyes,
just a glimpse,
just one time.

fools follow pipe dreams,
but ill see you in the end,
maybe now, maybe then,
we'll start over again.
charles Mar 2021
whatever you want,

so long as you spare me.

all the pain history taught me.

like a pilot without eyes,

i'll fly right by your side,

if you give me a room,

where i can lose myself at night.
charles Apr 2022
loneliness cures syrup,

im mush without you,

fighting thoughts in my head,

biding life, while your life is the glue.

what i lost a long time ago is you.

maybe ego is a freedom,

breathing meaning in a wound,

but as lost as white vans,

i might know what could be true.
charles Feb 2022
why does the world feel alone,

when you read what i say,

then you leave me alone?

what fried soul can atone?

this millennial foe,

such a strange thing to know,

when a fool feels alone.
charles Nov 2021
i'll enjoy the clouds until then,

rain falling on your cement,

seemingly harmless, until then,

your soul falls apart,

i'll find a new start,

forgetting the people we are.


[Part Two]

a good man forgets,

leaving a lifetime behind.

loving something else,

readjusting his eyes.
charles Apr 2021
crooked rainbowed in your life,

i wasn't simple or easy,

but i found you,

and for once, you didnt need me.

but you stayed because you could,

loving things my soul should.
charles Jul 2021
soft suns sail across,

a red star-crossed sky,

and some night,

i won't know what it is.

souls shine, no less beautiful,

then those lights lost in their height,

came to me in tiny dreams,

the kind that try to let me breathe,

when the morning comes,

i wont know what they mean.

i could love a million things,

but not a single one would love me.

that's the maker's mark,

it's meant to be,

if only sober men could repeat the sea.

but surely that man isnt me.
charles Nov 2021
holding such coldness,

non-existent holiness,

but your eyes were such a

? ?

and i never was the same.
charles May 2022
though you hate the date,

i repeat the way i was every day,

even if i haven't changed much,

i still remember the love,

no matter what you think it was.

i was, and am, lost,

trading time for its cost,

a constant replay, i should move on.
charles Feb 2020
killed you,
just for someone else.
left to feel nothing else.
leap until you're someone else.
time that made me someone else.
drinks erase just how i felt.
poetry is nothing else.
happy with the way i melt,
addicted and I'm nothing else.
charles Jan 2019
I'm sorry for closed doors,
and the fear of your knocking.
I'm sorry for the sadness,
that was pushing you often.
I'm sorry for the promise,
that my mind couldn't offer.
I'm sorry for your time,
how I made it unwanted.
I'm sorry for the patience,
that was tested in vain.
I'm sorry for lying,
and hiding the pain.
I'm sorry I loved you,
without loving myself.
Im sorry I left you,
without asking for help.
charles Oct 2020
i'd live another life,

to not know who you are.

I'd trade your face,

for a midnight bar.

the kind that blacks out the stars,
charles Mar 2019
my mind is on fire,
my soul such a liar,
both dress up my hopes,
indifferent attire,
the eyelids wide open,
my pupils are cold,
a scent of scorched dreams,
slowly drenching my nose.
I'm a world where its yes,
And all yesses mean no.
but the no's share a secret,
that nobody knows.
and my loved ones are helpless,
like a picture in frame,
for they all say the same **** thing:

'I'm sorry,

so sorry,

that you're terribly insane'.
charles Apr 2019
my mind takes me,
like water in current,
so i grip your name,
to my soul, I will stir it.
lost to thoughts like maybe:
maybe large as a lake,
sometimes spread like the sea,
but your heart is my buoy,
and i call you, my baby.
charles Apr 2019
does that mirror hold your worth?
shows the poor soul,
it refrains and reflects.
worthy of blemish.
guilty of hurt.
so you look away,
like a stare you can't hold,
for the common phrase states;
that the eyes are the windows,
and behind them the soul.
charles Sep 2020
oh,

the horrendous ways,

i have climbed to forget you.

the more i forget,

the harder it is.

your soul sold with my own,

my life unknown

drag a voice inside the house,

that neither of us ever knew.
charles Dec 2018
haunted thoughts,
that don't turn off.
panic comes,
and leaves so soft.
a certain fact,
you can't make true,
to make it real is all you do.
robbed a fridge,
from my own kin,
to feel like I'm a better man.
the moon routine revolves to sun,
forgot to hold on to your love.
charles Sep 2021
i can't say what i want you to say,

while im glued to this room,

my soul is too exhausted,

to repeat what I'll lose.
charles May 2020
she spoke on the shore,

and i heard nothing,

but an ocean roar,

forever asking more.
charles Aug 2023
the further that my body falls,

the less i have to hold,

reliving each season,

burning shameless in my soul.

your shining love it once contained,

such things my mind could not abide;

i loved to throw my youth to flame,

affixed to drain my broken mind,

a better soul for you was meant,

but when i toss this thing aside,

i'll be left with nothing but my life.
charles Dec 2018
a winter walked all by myself,
broken promise to myself,
painful words i couldn't tell,
wrote them down, now wish me well.
climbed on top a shooting star,
never wondered where you are,
I know the time and place you'll wait,
maybe i'll be there someday.
charles Sep 2021
where hate ain't between us,

and my soul stands still,

from a sad seat of rust.

where seas of time stand rough,

when skins aren't just weapons,

just to justify us.

i can't see you in moonlight,

but i'll catch you in the rain.

only spoken words can keep me sane.
charles Feb 2020
best friends,
mid-twenties,
met our loving breath.
living just to lose what's left.

drinks replaced my self-respect,
but every moon, i can't regret.
traditions in the stones, they sit.
dreams that only beckon death.

written words i could have said,
wish i could have fixed your head,
miss you more than any friend,
forever loved,
my favorite mess.
charles Aug 2021
it felt like i was lying for nine lives,

but its only been forty seconds.

only i have the gift to fix my mistakes,

with something slightly less wrong.

but no God can repaint the faces

i spent drinking countless chasers,

just to forget and find nothing at all.

all the while, you cried then i cried,

and if i could hold fire,

i'd be the first to turn into ash.

and if you had a voice

for the rest of this story,

you would say nothing at all,

comfortably away from this black hole

but on its outskirts,

on a desperately fleeing star,

im laid down on a lawn chair,

with a bit too much to drink.

counting each second

for a ride I'm too scared to try,

afraid of the direction my soul will go.

until then I will cuddle each meteor,

and cocoon in their craters,

praying to the unforgivable

atmosphere

that the cosmos can recreate

you.
charles Jul 2019
the first one was foolish,
and hastily drawn.
it felt like my darkest,
but time marked its dawn.  
for you, laid the rest,
while they screamed all my worth.
i wrapped them in lies,
while the next had its turn.
they stop and they stare,
while i fake my self-care.
but each mark is a truth,
that i fail to hear.
charles Jun 2021
goodnight to every breath that i took,

after begging to be where you stood

all the drinks i drank in the day time

all the pain too scared to be loud

the pain i put you through

i somehow allowed.

swallowed pride never hides

everything's in our eyes,

swearing i loved yours at one time.

but your flawless facade

masked your private despair.
charles Aug 2020
mourning in silence,

an empty room hears the sighs,

the popping bottles and crying,

a fully accepted way to die.
charles Aug 2020
I'm lonely, and I've got a bit of time.

do you mind much if i hold your life,

for a second or a lifetime?

I'll squeeze you in the daylight,

even harder at night.

by the time i leave,

i'll leave your ego bruised,

and your skin ghost white.

then tomorrow, call it a good time,

for a second,

or a lifetime.
charles Sep 2021
i keep buying fictional drinks,

to fix my dysfunctional brain,

without a single soul to help,

but i know too well, the bitter hell,

of caring about other opinions,

than the ones i can place on myself.
charles Jan 2024
to be loved is inevitable,

to stay sober is learned,

to hold both is a blessing,

but a lesson well earned.
This is for those who live with addiction. You're not alone. You're loved and you're thought of. Happy several New Years for you ❤️
charles Dec 2018
the whole world on my shoulders,
i shouldn't feel older,
but I feel out of order.
I want to buy more beer,
to obliterate my self care,
to resolve the next year.
charles Aug 2022
i paint these streets,

colorblind, bleeding red,

thoughts of drug dealers,

feeling alone.

i grip a white sun with orange hands,

further from you and who i am.
charles May 2021
the nights you would drink,

special seconds you spent sinking,

instead of dinner or simple truth;

never knowing i cant love you.
charles Oct 2019
the moment that it touched my lips,
my body breathes and starts to shake.
i drank so that i wouldn't shake.
i break each thing that i create.
the things i love, they learn to hate.
the words i mean, i never say.
the words i say to make you stay.
i'll never change a single thing.
i'll never hold that halo ring.
i'll always feel that bitter sting.
i always felt that you were me.
i threw a rope into that tree.
i jumped to see if i believed.
i saw my knees begin to swing,
in death i found i wasn't free.

and then i woke,
i tried to breathe.
charles Dec 2021
loss cannot **** me,

but i'll certainly change.

in love with myself,

is a dream i don't see.

but i'll keep heading north,

where a door could appear.

pray to god, see you there,

so i stay in this room,

replay all that I'll lose,

maybe it's a waste of time,

but it's better than a noose.

while i try to stay around,

just as long as there's room.
charles Nov 2018
You used to love your name,
played with toys,
without a single shame.
Every surface of your house,
memorized every shape.
Growing up, it surely changed.
And nothing ever was the same.
charles Oct 2020
i know you're outside my door,

waiting for someone,

you probably adore.

but these walls are too pretty,

and i can finally feel the floor.

i know that you care,

yet i dont know anything anymore.

all I have is behind that door.

it's hard to keep looking forward.

it's hard to write and not feel stupid,

it's hard to open up and not refuse it.

but I love you and I'm sorry;

for missing all your favorite holidays.
charles Nov 2020
the stars will still glow at night,

your arms will still hold tight.

traffic, sun, stop lights.

a dog will still bark.

a phone screen will light up,

and a splash in a pool.

favorite family traditions.

heartache and time,

love will persevere,

and every drug and downfall.

you'll pay your bills,

make your favorite meal.

you'll talk in theaters,

pray to creators.

fall in love with an actor.

Facetime best friends,

promise love until the end.

socialize and drink,

throwing up in a sink.

in a car, make a scene.

doctor wounds without degrees.

rehabilitate a broken dream,

as a bird patiently sings,

in a room with no shoe strings.

where you're well enough to breathe.

this person is me,

where i need to be.

and the world will sing,

while i make mine okay.

until then I'll be here,

without something to say.
charles Oct 2018
i don't know what true love is,
until it's too late,
i fed you the words,
i knew that you ate.
but god fed me lies,
of a hidden mistake,
love is not mine,
or mine to create.
charles Apr 2019
i left you on a windowsill,
a better future, you could sell,
couldn't see it, pray ye tell,
repeating words into my hell.
wished some hope would come along,
materialized into your song:
'stop your drink and become strong',
oblivion was all I saw.
sorry that i never heard,
tested hearts i always feared,
said the things i wished you'd hear,
but love was never quite so near.
charles Jan 2020
i died before i met you,
broken lungs, my muted truth.

I didnt love,
to pull your hair.
i didnt love,
to hold your neck

i loved what others left.

no amount of sunrises,
no amount of chirping birds,
no amount of smiling faces,
will ever make it alright.

I'll take my life, eventually,
i gave away my love and friends,
the simple things that made me.

it's not like you to need somebody,
it's not like you to cry for me.
it's not like you to turn around.

i'd suffer just to see you once,
i'd suffer just to hear your voice,
i'd suffer just to feel a lie,
i'd suffer just to say goodbye.
charles Oct 2019
for a second i forget,
amending all of my regret.
upset that we would never make,
that dallas trip, we won't attempt.
i wish that i could know myself,
i wish my family knew,
how hard it is for me to breathe.
i wish i woke and wasn't me.
i wish you knew how much,
i wasn't me.
our love was my attempt to try,
but in the end i lived a lie.
i loved you more than my own life.
each breath i take, I'm not alive.
i prayed to god with nothing left.
he told me 'take a drink then drive'.
my friends say hey, I don't reply.
i struggle just to get a job in time.
i sit on floors and fake sublime.
i breathe then break, i say I'm fine.
i wish that i could be more kind.
charles Apr 2020
i missed you,

the hours you were away.

the beautiful way you make me sway.

you say the things i can't say.

you make worlds out of broken things.

but i know you'll **** me some day.
charles Mar 2019
i made my bed,
as it loved every word,
i never said.
i just wish that the world,
could too.
charles Dec 2021
a broken violin inside my eyes,

only once you shed a tear,

my whole soul,

raining down for years.

can't stop what i can't control.

can't let you go at all,

but i try, like a broken fool.

my life knows nothing but your arms,

each day, i wonder what they were,

but im certain they weren't her.
old
charles Sep 2020
old
old friends lie,

waiting for me to die,

never looking in the eye.

like my mother in time,

i choose the coward side.

but my soul is only mine,

would you call it a crime,

if i wanted this life?
charles Mar 2019
who are you,
to shake my small world.
to upturn the ground,
when you're not around.
the hate that i hold,
i will slowly let go,
i can change you from friend,
to someone i don't know.
though the fire's still young,
it is one that will lull.
like the pride that stands strong,
will, in time, become old.
charles Jul 2019
wednesday, i stopped,
threw the rain to the shore,
didn't care for the pain,
cause i loved your face more.
if you see me in pieces,
they're all things i adore,
if this pain was a prison,
you're an unlocked door.
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