for a second i forget,
amending all of my regret.
upset that we would never make,
that dallas trip, we won't attempt.
i wish that i could know myself,
i wish my family knew,
how hard it is for me to breathe.
i wish i woke and wasn't me.
i wish you knew how much,
i wasn't me.
our love was my attempt to try,
but in the end i lived a lie.
i loved you more than my own life.
each breath i take, I'm not alive.
i prayed to god with nothing left.
he told me 'take a drink then drive'.
my friends say hey, I don't reply.
i struggle just to get a job in time.
i sit on floors and fake sublime.
i breathe then break, i say I'm fine.
i wish that i could be more kind.

i loved you more than you knew,
i'm scared to lose,
a single thought of you,
but losing things is nothing new.

i wish i lied,
and hid the truth.
i wish i kept my pain from you,
but loving you was nothing new.

i wish you stayed,
you kept my soul.
i loved you most,
some things I will never know.

so it goes.

i turned off the lights in my head,

I dont know what to do,

with these memories of *; (you)

i could crawl in a hole,

i might paint the whole room.

i could drink till i cry,

live my life in a monsoon.

i could find someone else,

relive something new.

i could find the guts to get sober,

or wrap my life around a tree.

i could make another mark on my arm

but until i saw you did the same,

because of me,

i didnt know a thing, about self harm.

loved drink,

more than a loved one.

nothing as heartbreaking,

as one who could never love you.

i learned and lost,

and left a soul,

to have everything and lose.

the moment that it touched my lips,
my body breathes and starts to shake.
i drank so that i wouldn't shake.
i break each thing that i create.
the things i love, they learn to hate.
the words i mean, i never say.
the words i say to make you stay.
i'll never change a single thing.
i'll never hold that halo ring.
i'll always feel that bitter sting.
i always felt that you were me.
i threw a rope into that tree.
i jumped to see if i believed.
i saw my knees begin to swing,
in death i found i wasn't free.

and then i woke,
i tried to breathe.

that day i found you unfaithful,
the night i tried to be hateful.
the time i drove away,
just to force myself to stay.

that night, driving miles,
just to swim in your eyes,
lying to myself,
and losing mine.

too lost to call me yours,
my soul has sunken to the earth,
wide awake, my wheels turn.
with nicotine and alcohol,
without the two, i'll surely fall.
sobriety was idolized,
i made a life composed of lies,
of hard goodbyes,
and 'i'll be fines'.

even in my dreams,

i can't escape these things.

you weren't here,

and you weren't here.

and you weren't here.

and you weren't here.

you weren't here.

a cold, snowy night,

at your bus stop.

for a lifetime, i could stay.

holding my bottles,

i could be okay.

but i will never see you,

not your shadow, not another day.

so i will turn the other way,

a world apart,

our hearts remain.

i shot the sky,
to play a God,
his fallen body arrived,
i climbed his height,
arrived where you still smiled.
you were waiting quite a while,
i apologized, and couldn't keep a lie.
i loved you with such hands as mine,
i tied to your life but i,
am not a god, but am i worth it,
in your eyes.
i hope you love me, just in time,
before i kind of drift away,
and lose your shine.
you see my lines,
i'll love you kindly,
lie awake, and every night,
your certain kind of sign,
that sells your soul to shrines,
but it could never justify,
the way you sway, the to and fro,
i lie when I'm alone,
i try to breathe when I'm at home,
you're more to me than, i don't know,
a certain something in the snow.
i picked you up, so proud to show,
those famous words i couldn't croak,
your skin was more,
than something that i couldn't tow.
just know i lined your eyes,
in thoughts i had in tow.
but thoughts are leaves,
and meant to blow.

collapsed, the floor i slowly met,
my father's gun in hidden mesh.
fourteen, was when i wanted death.
i bled while family members slept.
i prayed to god for something else,
those words that i could never tell.
i'm twenty-six, i wished them well.
at least that's what i told myself.

and then i tried to get some help.

lie down and shake,
dreaming pink lines erased,
i broke all my mirrors,
so i can't see my face.
sobriety is sickness,
the family curse,
chasing lost limbs,
i can't see that i'm worse.
i learned all of my options,
then i tore them all down.
but how can i win,
if i dont stick around?

pass me a drink, im too anxious to sink in this social setting.

give me a drink, I'm twenty one with twenty one mistakes to make.

I'll only have a couple drinks,
enough to drive home. it's only down the street.

i want to drink, push these feelings far
away from me, for a moment I'll feel

free.

i need to drink, my throat will paint this comfy ditch of things I didnt mean

i cant stop drinking, holding a thousand angels on my ***** wings, fighting my course of destruction and replacing my actions with false apologies.

i dont want to drink, my life is my own   and beautifully alone, counting the hours that my drinking is done.

i know you're outside my door,

waiting for someone,

you probably adore.

but these walls are too pretty,

and i can finally feel the floor.

i know that you care,

yet i dont know anything anymore.

all I have is behind that door.

it's hard to keep looking forward.

it's hard to write and not feel stupid,

it's hard to open up and not refuse it.

but I love you and I'm sorry;

for missing all your favorite holidays.

like a left hook in midnight,

keeping you here while others stood,

i couldn't handle it until I could.

i thought you were loved,

but i was misunderstood,

now every step you can't take,

i will try to instead.

if i could say sorry,

or bear to see your eyes again

I'd still curl like a coward

never knowing where you went

no matter how many hours spent

i still find comfort in sin

i dont know why

or where i went.

i only hope i see him again.

when i never drink again

i spend sober days hating you,

just to love you at night.

what have i done,

but a million things that weren't me?

a million things replacing sleep.

a family felt far away,

their breathing down the street.

if i had my way,

i wouldn't be writing this.

no addiction will keep me here.

just pain,

a crass curiosity,

of what I could leave behind.

some nights,

i wish i wrapped around that tree

cutting lines against my life

just so strangers later could see.

a silent addict without hope.

once,

i would have held the heaviest stone.

to have your love, so strongly sown.

instead i had to let you go.

morning's adoring,
addictive headache.
my thought's failed to escape,
they repeat, I'm irate.
yes, I made this mistake.
yes, i swallowed the pain,
so I hoped I wouldn't wake.

this blind eye,

that holds you abide.

choose a better love than i.

I'm a shelter fool.

that means nothing to nothing new.

carried and held,

a gentle hell.

love me till I know myself.

walk away and watch me breathe.

a simple stay away from me.

im proud of the words I cant say.

or the way they have to sound.

ringing round and round around,

my mind without a single noun.

i carved you in threes on my heart,

before i could carve in too deep,

like your hair over waitroom chairs,

your curls spiraled in the unknown,

when only we were there.

we stared at elevators,

with their outer template,

numerical, stood in place,

you asked me of my favorite.

it was always one more than you.

i don't remember,

half the things i should.

can't find your voice,

every first time.

the painful thought of just trying.

to hold us together,

to see you fly away.

maybe it was meant to be,

maybe it was time.

a feeling unforgotten for all my life.

the loss will always be a sign.

heaven only knows your eyes,

two things i don't deserve to see.

sending shivers down spines,

your movement motioned like a sea.

sometimes i see it like an eye blinks.

sometimes it lingers in my dreams.

only my soul,

could ever know what it means.

she is the corner of this room,

kissed to death and full of doom,

defier of suns, she carries the moon.

walk with broken bones,
searching for a warm home.
heartbeat with no breath,
life, flashing thoughts of death.

colors swelling in my ears,
noises falling from my eyes,
years of this that no one hears.

hidden second chances,
holding hands,
emancipate the pain,
pressing close to walls,
wordless while the floor falls,

just to find,
that you were standing all along.

through hardship,

to the stars.

some day,

you will know who you are.

though the ground,

may reflect your worth,

and life, like a breathless curse,

just the stars will remain,

forever yours.

youth is:

the days you live to chase away.

anything to keep you sane.

vices are a petty game.

take care of your friends,

tie your loose ends,

make it right,

stare at the stars while they're bright.

lie to yourself and carry on.

i made a grain of sand,

my world for twelve months,

to tell myself,

I'm only young once.

my face was wet,

I placed my bets,

then every one i loved left.

thought i knew at least one thing,

every word i've never seen.

I'll love the dark,

until the light it brings.

i carry you where i go,

our first love throes.

a future i will never know.

i still cry beneath each fired glow,

bright eyes you used to show.

i'll still love you,

when your love goes.

it's hard to see your halo dim,
your heart,
i left my knife in.
sold your love,
for a second.

anxiety,
i left you lies,
just to see a pretty sky.
i see you with another guy,
infinity, my pain disguised.
i loved you,
and i hope i die.

i'd pour happiness,

if i knew how to hold it,

i'd give it to you,

breaking your neck,

replace it with mine.

pointless actions,

redeem my favorite friends.

i never would have changed,

left your trust in chains,

your pain will never leave me sane.

if the world was mine to change,

you would never hear my name.

I'd trade your love for all my pain.

I'd spare your tears to feel okay.

my friends on a horizon,

while i fly below,

to pull cold air in my lungs.

lost in thought and constant sorrow.

i'm here and there,

sober and wasted and wanting.

i set my soul on fire,
to see a little better at night.
but the sight of you,
would tear me down,
break a winter's worth,
of drinking just to drown.

my hands wrap a moist canister,

I'll ignore your eyes,

and your life.

never was i further from the strife.

I found you floating in my dreams,

moments i was unable to believe.

for a second of you,

i would **** a large part of me.

a morning moon clings to night,

holding on to one more time.

disregard the blinding light,

love me on this other side.

hold me while my fingers try,

to find just where your soul had died.

a warmth of blood,

creeps along my neck.

my chest is still,

but my head starts to spin.

your guiding hands,

direct my madness to your face.

for a second there isn't a trace.

don't close your eyes for too long.

you will disappear.

and you did.

and all the air has left my lungs.

now my neck is like a stone in snow,

my shaking hands,

searching for what they used to know.

i'd hold you,
if i weren't on fire.
love you if i weren't a liar.
kiss you if i was a little kinder,
to myself,
to my friends,
to my mom and my family.

walking in emergency rooms,
just to walk in circles alone,
doctors,
saying nothing's wrong with you.

driving home,
calling strangers on phones,
just to feel less alone,
know I'll drink to my death,
but no one will know.

all i want is to see you again,
hope you watch me ascend,
and i miss all my friends,
all these words are dead ends,
just to get you to love me again.

i'd spend a lifetime,

tearing stars from the night,

just to recreate your life.

the white of a door,

never felt lonelier,

than your face imprinted,

from a long lost sun.

for a year i carried each second.

like a wreck,

who knows nothing else.

i still dream you sober.

wishing you could come over,

for a minute, be a lover.

all my dreams are three-leafed,

always missing a clover.

i've taken the breath,

quite out of this quiet room,

to think of someone who isnt you.

our sin buries love,

unswept by the broom.

waiting diagnosis,

to prove I'm a loon.

erase you from my body,
turn me off,
throw a match and light me.
brighter than a single star,
dark as dirt in midnight.

i don't know anymore.

darkest corners pity me,
broken soul at twenty-three,
strangers fake in love with me.
gave my soul and sanity,
just to find myself,
i couldn't see.

if i could be in bloom,

for you,

for just a second,

instead of soon.

besides a spinning room.

my choice would always be you.

slowly poisoned,

in love with the clouds,

sunny days that are loud,

wont seem so terrible now.

i love you,

but for once its allowed.

one day you'll miss this sound,

when i feel like I'm not around.

i saw a street sign you hung onto,

i saw a smile you used to give,

before you stopped giving,

a flawless time i never saw.

i saw my life in ribbons,

when my drinking raced,

to the one you didnt exist.

I'd give anything to reinvent this.

a second chance,

you shouldnt give.