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Juliet Swan Dec 2020
i met this one guy
all he wanted to do
was *****

you wanna know how i knew?
he told me
im not ready for a relationship
with you
except that was silent
because low and behold

he ends in one after a few months
it's not like we stopped
he just stopped talking to you

then after that didn't work
guess who he came running back
just for another *****

back & forth
just hookup calls
but why cuddle me?
why make me feel good
why be there for me
when no one else would

to me, you were just convenient
a walk away
a stride down the side walk
a drive nowhere, cause you were right there

that felt so great
being with you
i felt safe
but when i left
i hated you more than i could imagine
drag your name through the mud
but not to many
just my close few
because i was embarrassed of you

i pranked you
two days later, ran back to you
why forgive me
it's not something i rue
but something i wish i could undue
i want this to end bad
so i can feel sad
just for the ending
so i can have a new beginning

you hurt me either way
& i still caught feelings
when i wasn't supposed to
i'm known for doing stupid stuff
especially things that will make me blue
i want things i can't have
fight over things, that don't want me
and yet, i call myself Key
but i do wonder
why not me?

am i attractive enough  just to ****?
attractive enough to get you your nut
but not attractive enough to be yours
to show off & gloat about & open up doors

when it doesn't come to looks
my personality
is 10/10
you should have been happy
to sleep with an older gal
although, all the time you were a minuteman
true, i'm not mentally stable
but that's the spark
that'll keep the relationship abnormal

you're a gemini
you understand
waking up one day
feeling one way
waking up the next day
feeling another

i want to hate you
but you warned me
you pity me
and i still can't find
a reason to leave you
a reason to block you

i mean i have
MULITPLE times
just for you to allow me back
WHY
you should have left me
the first time
you should have not allowed me in
you knew what i was going through
at least somewhat
was it about hurting my pride?
was it about the lost of my stride?
was it something that still attracted you
to keep me as a pet
until you were ready for something different
something not me
something that was fresh

i can't wait to be strangers
i can't wait to forget your face
i can't wait to forget the safety
i felt with you
i can't wait
until you're a distant memory
one i will never have pride
in
i can't wait until you're not a reason to cry
i can't wait to remember because of you
i will now have discipline
Juliet Swan Dec 2020
i have been on
antidepressants

funny how it's supposed to be anti
but all i feel it does
is allow

i feel too much
i think too much
i either sleep too much
or i don't sleep at all

never having anyone to call
rough times have come around
something in my mind, on the prowl

searching for help?
or searching to stay sane
these pills are changing my brain

this is normal to me
i don't like change
but everyone says
if i stay like this
i'll go insane
but who's to say
i haven't yet

intrusive thoughts
cloud my head
i don't even dread
they bring me delight
i don't even fight
them
i feel no will
to be better
i don't feel ill
i am fine
who i am

it's others who are insane
they're the ones who need their brain changed

they need to isolate for a few days
see if they don't hate people
as much as i do
because all they do
is *****
you over

people make you feel too much
people make you miss them
people make you want to kiss them
people make you want to even, **** them

i'm sick and tired of people
quarantine
in my opinion
was the best thing to ever happen to me
something that came to mind. i'm having a flurry of creativity so here's some things that have been on my mind
Juliet Swan Dec 2020
i let this subside
i pushed this to the side

my only get away
i managed to shove
to the back of my brain
leaving just a tiny grain
of hope
of creativity
she just wanted to scream

remember,
i'm still here
don't fear
you're not alone
it's just we're all one
stuck in this one body
in this one soul

don't fear
we're still here
Juliet Swan Jul 2018
Built on an unsteady foundation
Rocked back and forth by emotions
Occasionally catching a steady rhythm or two
Keep at bay
Every time I think of you
Nothing seems to go away.
I pace back and forth
Only to realize
I’m still in the same place
Hoping for myself to change
So I run away
Only to still feel the same pain.
Get my life together
Is all I want to do
But sometimes I feel like
That’s not even plausible.
Attract who you are
Wondering why you keep selecting all these dudes
Only to wake up and realize
They’re in the same place as you.
Misery loves company
That’s one hell of a statement
It’s as real as it gets
So I become complacent.
Tell myself to never settle
For less than what I deserve
But for what’s it worth
I think I deserve someone as broken
As myself.
Juliet Swan Jul 2018
The thoughts are gone
My mind at ease
I haven’t noticed this kind of peace
Stressed but blank
Worried about moving up in rank
Get my head on straight
Stop ******* up so much
That would come in clutch
I know I’m not perfect
Lord knows my imperfections
Weak moments are secured
Feelings on standby
No time for that
No more handouts
You work for what you want
You get what you give
You’ll always be better than baby ***
Moving on to a sailor
From bootcamp to A school
They’ll try their hardest to make
A soldier out of you
Little do they know
You’ve been in plenty of battles
Win and lost many fights
Drink to the foam
Heal your battle wounds
Encouraged to see another day
Support by the thousands
Don’t let anyone down
April 6th is your day
You’ll really have that crown.
Juliet Swan Jun 2018
My fear was
Having all my hard work
Lost.
Destroyed.
Reversed.
Feels like I’ve been cursed
With you stuck in my head
All I do is dread
I miss you but
I hate you
I can’t seem to escape you.
I throw shade on your name
You’ve been acting so lame
Acting like you don’t love me
And what we had wasn’t real.
I get the feel
That you moved on
So I push forward too
Only sometimes to rue
Leaving you
Or loving you
Depends on my mood.
Everywhere I go
We put a stamp on it
I know everything you love
And I try to run away from it
I ran so far only to end in my starting place
So here I am
Writing about you.
Loving you
And hating you.
Can’t get away from you
Look forward to the day I do.
Juliet Swan Nov 2017
I feel the fear holding me back.
To grasp it
Hold it
Take control of it
That's the goal.
Embrace it
Use it as I'm raging
Empower it
In all the right directions
Increase my will
Heighten my senses
Give it my strength
As it will do the same.
Then
And only then
Will you become invincible
Higher than average
Who you are meant to be
Don't be scared to be free.
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