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Julie Schnell Feb 2016
Heart beating
Mind racing
Thoughts going a mile a minute
Palms sweating
Hands shaking
I have no control
My body
My emotions
My everything
All controlled
By a monster
A monster in my head
That no one can see
Or hear
It can't be touched
Or heard
Except by me
I hear it constantly
Always bringing me down
It's always there
No matter what
Some days are better
But most are worse
All because of this little thing
Called

**Anxiety
Julie Schnell Dec 2016
The ashes of a once strong love*
Lie spread across the cold floor
Being trampled on
By the feet of those
Who claim to care

They are all liars
They do not care
They whisper behind your back
And as they try to take the knife out
They stab your back even harder

You try to trust
You try your hardest
But it all crashes down
Surrounding you
Like the sadness controlling you

So you lay down
On the cold lifeless ground
Surrounded by the ashes
As you try to think
Of a single reason to take another breath
Julie Schnell Nov 2016
His eyes were
A deep
Deep
Blue

Just as how they
Make me feel

A deep
Deep
Blue
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
I want to die
I wish I were dead
Gone
Away from this world
And everyone
Who constantly bring me down
Further and further
Down the hole
The hole of
Depression
One of my darkest sides
That I try to keep hidden
But try as I might
The tears still fall
The anxiety is triggered
And all I want is to die
To be gone
And away from all my pain
All I want is to simply
*disappear
Julie Schnell Nov 2016
He would take
But never give

He would kiss
But never love

He could hurt her
But she never left

He could lie
And she would forgive

She would give him her world
And he would give her a piece of his

She would cry into his arms
And he would hear but not listen

He would bring her down
And say that everything is her fault

He pushed her to the breaking point
And she had to put herself back together

But

She still would love him
For some reason
She could not explain
I was full panic attack when I wrote this after a small little disagreement with someone I love, and this was the result
Julie Schnell Feb 2016
The pieces of my heart
Scattered across the floor
The way you left them

Piece by piece
I’m trying to put them
Back where they belong

Tape and glue
Can’t hold the pieces together
And they just make it worse

You put your hand on mine
And a piece comes together
With another, back in my soul

You smile at me
And more pieces
Come to me

Can you really put the pieces back
When you were the one
Who broke my heart to begin with?
Julie Schnell Dec 2016
Drips down my arm
All to familiar
As I pick up the blade
And push on the razor

The pain rushes in
And frees my tears
As they drip down
Into the open skin

The scars on my wrists
Will fade away with time
While the scars on my heart
Will last a lifetime

My pain flows
Through the blood on my wrist
And down the sink
Along with my dreams
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
I am sad
Motivation is gone
The weight of the world
Is falling on my shoulders
And I can’t
I really truly cannot
Lift the weight
Of my problems
They are crushing me
Weighing me down
Every minute
Of everyday
My eyes are always swollen
And red
A side effect
Of the constant pain
It’s come to the point
That tears stop flowing
The pain is all dulled
And nothing seems to matter
Julie Schnell Apr 2016
Once beautiful and full of delight
The broken pieces of my innocence
Flattened by life
Once colorful petals of my love
Have turned dull and dingy
The sweet, fresh smell
Is still there lingering
But is mixed with decay
Just as the stem of a flower
My life has been cut
All my senses have been drained
By losing you
I lose me
Water no longer flows
Through the dead plant
Just as my youth
Has stopped showing through
One by one
Tan petals fall away
From the once green leaves
That were supposed to stay
Just as you were
To stay with me
And then you're gone
Leaving me to die
Detached from you
As a flower is to a tree
My life washes by
As I slowly fade away
Julie Schnell Dec 2016
I feel alone
Completely
And totally
Alone

Physically
I am always surrounded
Never alone
Always one
In a sea of millions

In my head
Are the voices of a thousand people
Shouting and screaming
Louder and louder
Everyday

I am alone
Even in a crowd
I am completely alone
With my thoughts
And I will be alone

Forever
&
Ever
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
I wish I could forget
Every second
Every feeling
Every kiss
I want to forget
Every date
Every smile
Every moment
That made me fall
Deeper and deeper
Into the vast void
That we call
"Love"
I want to forget
The "Love"
That we shared
Every hug
I want to forget
Because every time
I remember
I think of how I was happy
I compare that to now
When I'm not happy
I wan to forget
My happiness from you
So I could be happy now
I will never forget
Because those moments
Changed me
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
Happiness
Such a loaded word
Such an obscure concept
Yet also so simple
So how do I go
From being
A happy human
To depressed
And dead inside
I just want to be happy
But no matter how hard I try
Everything falls down around me
And the walls
Of happiness built so high
Crash down
And I'm surrounded
By broken pieces of
Hope
Love
Happiness
And all I feel
Is alone
Sad
And gone
Maybe I should just go
End it
And try to be happy
He
Julie Schnell Oct 2017
He
You made me feel
Like I wasn't good enough

You made me think
That I was worthless

You told me
I was a waste of space

He makes me feel
Like I am more than enough

He makes me think
That I am a million dollars

He told me
That I am his world
I am back to writing! I know this *****, but I just wanted to put something up :)
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
I don’t want to live
Breathe
Or hear my heart
Beating in my chest
Faster and faster
As I see the light
Coming for me

And I am ready
I am ready for everything
To end
Julie Schnell Apr 2016
If I could give you the world
I would do it in a heartbeat
For you are my world

If I could give you peace
I would take on your demons
Because you are my peace

If I could I would
Anything you need
I would provide

For now all I can give
Is all of the love
That I hold in my heart

I know
It is not a lot
But I hope it will do

Because all the love in my heart
Is stored there
Just for you

<3
Inspired by "If I Could Fly" by my favs :)
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
I just want to be the number one for someone.
I want to be the one that someone turns to when something good happens or when something bad happens.
I want to be the person that they are always so excited to say something to when they just have the biggest smile on their face, and you can just tell texting them they are so happy.
I want to be the person that doesn't have to worry about getting hurt by the person I am with because I trust them so much.
I want to be with something that just treats me right and respects me and my decisions. I want to be with someone who will love me for me and not expect me to be anything more or anything less.
I want to be with someone that will just look at me and smile because they are so happy to be with me and to see me.
I want to be with someone that I can cheer on from the stands or on facetime if they are playing a video game.
I want to be with someone that'll do the same for me, only with swimming and makeup.
I want to be with someone that just loves me and everything about me unconditionally.
I can think of someone that could be that person
i just can't have them.
Do you understand how frustrating and upsetting that is?
To know someone could treat you perfectly and just treat you the way you should and need to be treated and you just can't have them.
You can't see them every day, and you barely seem them every week.
You just can never be by them, but seeing their name pop up on your phone makes you the happiest person you could ever be, and it makes you smile just so much and just being with them makes you feel so safe and protected and just happy and like you don't have to worry about anything because you know they will still be there by your side.
This was a message that really inspired me, so here it is.
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
Memories
Flow back
Like 1000's of photographs
Hidden
Forced back
To try to be forgotten
But then
In a mere second
Just from a look
A hand shake
Just the slightest glance
They all come back
Replaying in my mind
Over
And over
And over again
Forcing the tears not to fall
Holding my head high
I fight
To push them far back
But they will always
Replay
Again and again
Over
And over
In my mind
Julie Schnell Feb 2016
She slowly starts to slip away
She started out as the woman they knew
The woman they loved
The woman that they cared about.
Day by day
Month to month
Through each passing year
Her stories started to change
She started to forget the simplest things
From birthdays to recipes
And then onto names
Then faces and people altogether
Her family was sad
watching her slowly fade
Into a mere shadow of her former self
A loving husband
Two caring daughters
Four awestruck grandchildren
All hoping for the day
That she would recognize their faces.
At the end of the fight
A 7 years battle
Alzheimer’s won
And the family realized that they had lost
The woman they know
The woman they love
The woman they care about endlessly.
Julie Schnell Feb 2016
Looking in the mirror
I hate what I see
I hate everything about it

I sit at my vanity
And try to hide
All the imperfections

Looking in the mirror
I hate what I see
I hate everything about it

Trying on my clothes
I try to find something that looks good on my imperfect body
Nothing looks even halfway decent

Looking in the mirror
I hate what I see
I hate everything about it

I get back my test
I should have done more
I failed; just like everything else

Looking in the mirror
I hate what I see
I hate everything about it

I walk through the front door
I the silence is loud enough to deafen me
I wish I could do more to help

Looking in the mirror
I hate what I see
I hate everything about it
Julie Schnell Sep 2016
What my anxiety is
My anxiety is the moon
That pulls my emotions to shore
In whatever way it wants
It shoves me down
And tries to drown me
It drags me along
The blood pulses though my veins
They feel like fire
Coursing through my body
Because of this invisible
Untamable beast
That lives within
I cannot live normally
At every moment
Of every day
The emotions
That
To those without the beast
Are subtle
Slightly bothersome
Easy to handle
Become too much  
The pain I feel everyday
From every emotion
Being heightened to levels
Far above the normal
These emotions of
Fear
Distress
Pure depression
Sadness
Jealousy
Shame
Abandonment
Worthlessness
They all reach levels
That feel like if I breathe them in
They will drown me
They will drag me down
So I hold my breath
In hopes that no one will know
No one will see
The demons that live within me
Julie Schnell Jan 2017
My heart races every time I see you
Not out of excitement or love
But out of anxiety and nerves

My body flinches every time you touch me
Not because of sparks being sent through me
But because I am scared to be hit

I don't feel any love towards you
But only hate
Julie Schnell May 2018
Trying to find a light
In a pitch black world

Attempting to get out
Of an endless labrynth

Feeling around for hope
With completely numb fingers

Yelling out for help
When completely alone

Taking a breath
While deep in the ocean

Loving someone
Who will never love you
im super emotional so here i am
Julie Schnell May 2016
The bell pierces my ears
And my already pounding head throbs
Girls run to each other in crowded halls
And my eyes naturally roll back
I put in my locker combination
And the door won't open
The teacher hands back our tests
And I get a big, fat F
I go to the place we said we would meet
And my boyfriend never shows
A bright breeze brushed by
As the car pulls into my driveway
I am like a fish
Caught in the sea
Pulled from my comfort in the water
Into  the raging winds of school
But when I am home to my ocean
I am thrown back into the water
Free to swim
And free to be me
Julie Schnell Nov 2016
Our love is as strong as a lion
Soft as the cuts on you lying
Times we got hot like an iron
You and I

Our hearts have never been broken
We were so innocent darling
Used to talk till the morning
You and I

We had that mixtape on every weekend
Had it repeating
Had it repeating

You were my September song
Summer lasted too long
Time moves so slowly
When you're only fifteen
You were my September song
Tell me where have you gone?
Do you remember me?
We were only fifteen
And I, I remember the chorus
They were singing it for us
You were my September song
Tell me where have you gone?
Do you remember me?
We were only fifteen

Sometimes I think that I see your
Face in the strangest of places
Down on the underground station passing by

I get a mad sense of danger
Feel like my heart couldn't take it
Cause if we met we'd be strangers
You and I

Still I play that mixtape every weekend
Got it repeating
Got it repeating

You were my September song
Summer lasted too long
Time moves so slowly
When you're only fifteen
You were my September song
Tell me where have you gone?
Do you remember me?
We were only fifteen
And I, I remember the chorus
They were singing it for us
I hear that September song
That I'm singing along
Thinking about you and me
Oh what a melody

And as the years go by
You will still be my, be my
(September song)
You are my
(September song)

You were my September song
Summer lasted too long
Time moves so slowly
When you're only fifteen
You were my September song
Tell me where have you gone?
Do you remember me?
We were only fifteen
And I, I remember the chorus
They were singing it for us
You were my September song
I remember the chorus
They were singing it for us
Heard this song on the way home tonight and wanted to share the lyrics.
Julie Schnell Jan 2016
I can feel my heart
Crashing like the waves
Onto an untouched shore
The pieces of my soul
Are being put back
Piece by piece
But not in the correct order
My emotions are being pulled
From every which way
By the tide
When I hear your voice
Calling to me
Like a distant ship
Passing in the night
I can't contain it
Not anymore
The pain eats away
At the hopes I had
Once flying high like sails
I can feel my remaining pieces
Slowly cracking
Until one day
Sooner or later
All my broken pieces
Will wash up on a beach
And I will officially be
Shipwrecked
Julie Schnell Apr 2016
Cold air circles
Around frozen faces
Red noses and cheeks
Lit under the darkness

Sitting on a lift
Going up, up, up
Three girls sat
Laughing up the mountain

The top was near
The ride was almost over
Two pairs of skis and a snowboard
Prepare to get off

Snow in their faces
Wing whipping by
The girls got ready
To take on the mountain

Standing on snow
Two skis gt caught
Laughing screams are heard
The ski lift shuts off

Three girls on the ground
Look to the right
And low and behold
The three boys they like
We had to write a narrative poem about an embarrassing moment...
Julie Schnell May 2016
A hushed word
Never spoken aloud
That brings me to
The point of tears
Some days
It seems like
The  
Only
Way
Out

The only way out
Of this hell I'm living

No one would notice

No one would care

Life is not for me

I'm better off dead

You can push through
No I can't

You can do it
No I can't

A slit down my wrist
To remind myself I'm alive
For what reason
Do I have to stay here

Why can't I just die

No one would miss me
I could just disappear
Life would go one
The sun would still rise
And the moon would still shine
The stars in the night
Would still look down from above

Why can't I bring
Myself to the point
To jump off the roof
Or slit with the knife

I sit all alone
Through the hours of the night
And wait for it to be over
And wait for it to end  

Goodbye
Julie Schnell Feb 2016
Everywhere I go
YOU are all I see

Anywhere I look
YOU are all I picture

Everything I touch
Reminds me of YOU

When I think about the time I was happy
All I think about is YOU and I together

When I think about my sadness
YOU are the reason

YOU are the one who broke my heart
Yet the shattered pieces still want you

I’m at a constant war
Because of YOU

My sensible mind against my emotional heart
All because of YOU

I never knew what it truly meant to be hurt
Until YOU

I never knew I could fall so hard or so fast
Until YOU

I never knew how venerable I could be
Until YOU

Thank YOU
For teaching me not to love

Thank YOU
For teaching me how to deal with heart ache

Thank YOU
For teaching me not to trust

Thank YOU
For showing me that I am strong

Thank YOU
For showing me that I can move on

Thank YOU
For showing me who I can be on my own
Julie Schnell May 2016
Everywhere I go
YOU are all I see

Anywhere I look
YOU are all I picture

Everything I touch
Reminds me of YOU

When I think about the time I was happy
All I think about is YOU and I together

When I think about my sadness
YOU are the reason

YOU are the one who broke my heart
Yet the shattered pieces still want you

I’m at a constant war
Because of YOU

My sensible mind against my emotional heart
All because of YOU

I never knew what it truly meant to be hurt
Until YOU

I never knew I could fall so hard or so fast
Until YOU

I never knew how venerable I could be
Until YOU

Thank YOU
For teaching me not to love

Thank YOU
For teaching me how to deal with heart ache

Thank YOU
For teaching me not to trust

Thank YOU
For showing me that I am strong

Thank YOU
For showing me that I can move on

Thank YOU
For showing me who I can be on my own
Julie Schnell Apr 2016
His love is like a question
Ready to be answered

His heart is a train
Moving quickly at full force

His smile is the sun
That brightens up my day

His voice pumps through my veins
Whenever he speaks

His hand in mine is a lock
That binds us together

His mind is always racing
Like a runner trying to finish a marathon

His lips are steady waves
Crashing softly and gently against mine

His fingers on the piano sounds like
The sweet melody of a hummingbird

His talent is a good poem
That never fails to impress me

His love is like a question
That I hope I can answer
Julie Schnell Mar 2016
He tells you he loves you
That you're his number one
That he will always be there
But then he hurts you
And you go cry to your best friend
She tells you that if he really loved you
He wouldn't do the thing that hurt you
He wouldn't hang out with
Girls who are mean to you
She tells you that if he really loved you
He wouldn't put his friends above you
That he would always be there
She tells you that you are strong
But he makes you feel weak
Your mom says you should give up
That she doesn't like seeing you so sad
That if he hurts you again
You need to end it, then and there
Your other friends say that
If he really loved you he
Would always answer you
That he would never ditch you
Or cancel on you
He says he is sorry
But he doesn't seem to know what for
He tells you he loves you
That you're his number one
That he will always be there
But then he hurts you
He says all these things
And the thoughts running through your head
They won't quit
Does he actually love me?
Does he feel the same?
Is this a mistake?
All you know how to do
Is sit and cry
And have soft music of lost love
Play through your headphones
I'm just feeling really down and needed to put my thoughts into words.
Julie Schnell Feb 2016
My heart starts to flutter
Whenever I hear your name
My pulse begins to quicken
When I see you walk by

I can’t do anything about it
I’m too scared
Too shy
To act upon my feelings

When you say my name
My mind starts to race
Thinking about a future
That is so unimaginable

When I hear her say your name
My heart begins to crack
When I see you walking with her
I want to hide forever

She’s so much more confident
Something I will never be
She is prettier than I could ever be
And I know I will never have a chance

When I hear you say her name
My heart feels like its crumbling
Why can’t that be me
Why can’t I be good enough for you
Julie Schnell Apr 2016
I don't mean what I say
I don't say what I mean

My thoughts get all jumbled
When I see your face appear

Just a simple short message
To ask about my day

Makes me feel more alive
In every way

Your smile is kind
Warm and receiving

Your arms around me
Remind me I'm safe

You've given me a purpose
And you've shown me what love is

<3
Julie Schnell Feb 2017
I
Am
A
Walking
Disaster
Waiting
To
Die
Julie Schnell Feb 2016
I love you

You’re my everything

Hugs

Kisses

Good morning texts

You’re the only one I want

You’re on my mind

Telling secrets

Let me know you’re home

You can do it

I’m here for you

Ti amo

Je t’aime

I will always be here

Sleep well

I care about you

I believe in you

Forever and always

You’re my best friend

Butterflies in your stomach

How can I help

Sleep well texts

Knowing each other’s favorite things

I hope you are happy

You deserve the world

I want to give you everything

Late night conversations

Inside jokes

No distractions

Be safe

A simple smile from across the room

Wait for me

Holding hands

Are you OK

Being close

Are you sure

Wanting to be close

Are you absolutely sure

Tickling

Hey… Smile

You’re mine
Julie Schnell May 2018
Why do I give so much power
To the person
Who made me so weak
Julie Schnell Oct 2016
When I love
I fall hard
I feel high
On life and
Never be brought down
When I kiss
I put all my passion
Feelings
And hope
Into the other person
Through my lips
When I love
I put myself behind
The other person
Matters most
And their pain
Is my pain
When I hug
I feel safe
And only feel safe
In one person's arms
And I trust
As if I have never been lied to
When I love
I feel joy
And happiness
But
Then it ends
And I am broken
Left to pick up my pieces
One
By
One
All on my own
I feel so low
I lose all passion
And my hope fades away
My safety is gone
And I trust no one
I am left to be on my own
Forever
And ever
You
Julie Schnell Jan 2017
You
You bring me joy
When no one else can
You calm my fears
When I have no control
You make me laugh
When I am drowning in tears
You stop my pain
When I am breaking in two
You saved me
When I needed it most
YOU
Julie Schnell Apr 2016
YOU
You
You are
You are my
You are my one
You are my one weakness
You are my one weakness that
You are my one weakness that I
You are my one weakness that I can
You are my one weakness that I can not
You are my one weakness that I can not live
You are my one weakness that I can not live without
Julie Schnell Mar 2016
When you are young
You feel free
Invincible
You are told many things
Like you can tackle the world
You can be whatever you want to

As you grow up
You start to realize
You are not free
Because others control you
You are not invincible
You can't take tackle world
Because others will stop you
You can't be whatever you want
Because other people don't want you to

You start to see
All of the evil
Stored in the corners of the world
That we were protected from
By our parents and those around us

— The End —