There I go falling again
Spiraling into the abyss.
Is this happening?
Or am I imagining things?

I can see you shout
You fail to filter through
My groggy melancholy
That I can't undo.

Even if you were to whisper
right into my ear,
I'm lost somewhere else
I can not hear.

What is the point
Of anything at all?
Are you tired of being around?
I don't hear you call.

So you've left and
I guess this is goodbye.
Too tired to stay
Too broken to cry.

Oh darling, you don't matter,
Because you aren't even there.
And love, you don't matter,
Because no one cares.
But sweetheart you don't matter,
So what keeps you here?
Why can't you just wake up
And stop time.
Vanish.
Disappear.
Go invisible.
Just like you always were.
But in a more permanent way.
Dear darling, you don't matter
Because you aren't even there.

Dear teacher,
you make me want to die.
Maybe if I could see you become human
I wouldn't feel the way I do.
But how do I see through you?
Your fangs sink into me
And **** my soul out.
You make me lie awake at night,
Wishing I was dead, wondering,
If death would be better than
Existing in this hell.
Would I really care,
about your remarks on my death bed?
If I passed your stupid test,
Will I not die?
Dear teacher, why do you make me want to die?

Please don't **** yourself tonight.
Maybe you're tired of seeing the same faces everyday.
Maybe those faces don't care.
Maybe waking up is a task.
And you're tired of putting on the mask.

Maybe I'm no one to tell you,
And maybe you don't care anymore.
But look inside,
And ask yourself
Despite everything, wouldn't I miss myself?

Wouldn't I miss the mirror smiling back at me?
Wouldn't I miss singing at the top of my lungs in the shower?
Wouldn't I miss listening to my favorite song?
Wouldn't I miss talking to myself like I'm my best friend?
Wouldn't I miss having me everywhere I went?

Isn't that enough? Having you? You're the only one you've always had.
Will always have.
And that is never a bad thing. Please don't abandon yourself.
If you cant see it right away,
Look deeper. You know you love having you around.

Don't do it. For you.

Forgive me, dear mother,
For I am dead.
Inside and out.
I can't feel the pyre,
Or the cold grave.

Forgive me, dear father,
This is the day you dread.
I know this is not how it works
I am tired.
You'll just have to wait.

Forgive me, dear brother,
I know you've left.
You have your own
Disasters to live,
I wont be another day.

Forgive me, dear friend,
It is you I've bothered
Every time I was smothered
By the thoughts in my head.
Freedom is on its way.

Forgive me, dear lover,
For I put the noose
around your neck,
Every time I felt dead.
I have to set you free, let you stay.

Forgive me, dear stranger,
You don't need to read this,
I will be gone,
None of this will matter.
You will see a better day.

Take me back to the place
Where everything's okay.
Where a new day isn't a new illness.
And dealing with it does not mean
Losing every waking moment to insanity.
Where small problems
Are really just small problems
And not disguised as life long chains.
Where peace is just around the corner
And acceptance isn't an unattainable feat.
Where you can do ordinary tasks with ease,
And where death isn't such a tease.
Where your mother's hugs are
The only medicine you'd ever need.
Take me back home, take me home please.

I can't blame you for wanting more than I can give.
I've always wanted that too.
Loneliness takes away everything.
Your sleep.
Your appetite.
Your will to understand.
And to stay alive.
I won't ask you to be just friends.
I won't ask you to stay.
As much as I wish you could, if you'd rather leave,
I'll let you go.
You've given me those memories
And I cant ask for more.
I hope that you always find someone,
To keep you company and make you smile.
Because every one always leaves
And that's okay too. They aren't supposed to stay.

Pin me down and tear me apart.
Don't worry, I'm not a piece of art.
I'm begging you to be mine,
Even if it means I'd have to be dying.
I have to belong or living's no good
Without your eyes telling me the truth.
Lie to me and tell me it's fine,
That in the end, you'll still be mine.

Crying is not enough anymore. I'd like to swallow a knife or a burning candle.

I am not yours to fix.
As broken as I am.
As tired as I may be.
As many flaws as I have.

I'm not yours to fix.

My flaws make me who I am.
Without them, I'd just be a mannequin.
Mannequins are pretty.
I'm real.

And I'm not yours to fix.

So rough.
Do you chew the lollipop or lick it?
Maybe you swallowed it whole.
It wasn't so nice. Especially the first time.
Then the feelings made it addictive.

It didn't matter, if you were a different person.
It didn't matter if you were not thinking.
It didn't matter if I felt like I wasn't even there.
Or like you were getting over with it.

How do you do it?
Detach your physical self from your mind?
Teach me. I am dead inside.
And then you just stopped. Everything.

You were far away. In all ways.
Turns out, you have to let go of something
that is pulling you down, drowning you
into your sea of meaningless existence.

But then you pulled me close again,
Maybe because I was letting go.
And then you were rough again,
but now it was ugly.

You were still rough.
I was still invisible
And still dead inside.
Holding on to what remained of us.

You scowl, I run.
You step back, I run.
You let go, I run.
You doubt us, I run.
You doubt me, I run.

I'm a thousand years old.
It goes on and on.
Never ends.

Reality pushing itself upon me,
Trying not to cut myself.

The measuring tape isn't long enough,
The noose will snap.

It's not surprising,
I can't carry my weight either.

Red nose. Swollen eyes. White face.
I could go on and on,
But breathing gets difficult.

Shouldn't it stop after a while?
The pain? No, the breathing.

I don't like that I'm falling in love with you.
I'm vulnerable. Greedy.
You don't leave my mind,
But I don't enter yours.

I'm confused, and tired.
Tired of waiting.
Trying to not seem desperate.
But I am.

Lonely is something people run from.
Exactly opposite of what they need.
Maybe I should run.
Run from myself.

Relieve me.
Of the exhaustion.
Of the illness.
Of the conscious nothingness.
Of hatred.
Of pointlessness.
Of the want to be wanted.
Of the dependency.
Of thought.
Of emotion.
Of desire.
Of confusion.
Of pain.

Miss the sun,
wait for the night.
The Swallow has gone,
But there's the Kite.

Leave it behind,
welcome a new time.
Time to let go,
Time to fly.

Nights are just as lovely,
Days have made you blind.
Surrender to what is,
And see how you shine.

I am not writing for attention.
I am not writing because I'm whiny.
I am not displaying myself for applause.
Nor for criticism.

I write because my insides need me to.
I write because it makes existence bearable.
Because if I don't express myself to something that doesn't judge me, I don't see what I'd get from waking up again.

Every time I write, the first sentence I choose is, 'I am tired'.
Not out of habit. But because I'm compelled to write when I am.
I need an out and no one gets me but the paper.