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jonas tate Jul 2020
i never could've imagined a life
where i would be better off outside of your arms
but here i am
and there you are
a million miles away
and only inches from my memory
on leaving a narcissist.
jonas tate Jan 2020
You chase your dreams
While I run far away from mine

I drag myself along by the neck to a state of delirium
Where all I can remember is the jolt from my subconscious if I start to slip into sleep
Dreams I cannot wake myself from lurk in the corners

Where foreign hands curse my skin again
And I scream myself raw.
Begging for help that never comes
Lost in the distortion of dreams.
January 30th, 2020
jonas tate Jan 2020
Sometimes I walk through the halls in the dark and remember
Sometimes I look down into the toilet and see the pills and poison I threw up that night
Sometimes I wake up and do not remember falling asleep and I am terrified to think:

What if I did it again? I know I didn’t want to

Sometimes I want to leave the house again in the dead of night and walk back down that road
Just to see if I could find that place again
To feel the presence of God
And the cold in the air
And know that I am going to be okay.

I know there is a crumpled suicide note somewhere in the walls of this room
I have not read it
I am afraid to.
I am more afraid someone else will find it first
That they will think it recent
Because
Because maybe I didn’t date it

But maybe I did.

I don’t remember why I came back
I don’t remember the final thud of the hammer of reasons against the nail of decisions.
I remember crying
The cold seeping to the bones
The streams of messages
All from one person
Lingering by the road sign for one last goodbye
Back and forth
Back and forth.

Please let me go.

I come to the crossroads
I linger
Think about turning around
Don’t be a screwup, boy
Not any more than you already are.
Mama’s gonna **** me
But isn’t that what I wanted?

What do I want?

Mama’s gonna **** me
When I come home
How am I gonna break this
I talked to myself all the way back
“I’ll explain on the way there
Just take me to the hospital.”
I lost my courage after hurling what looked like ******* orange crush
I can taste death in the soda pop.

Driving 90 on the highway curve
I’ve lost my way
I’ve lost all sense of time and space

I’ve lost me.

08:05
Geometry
12:34
History

I have to tell them what you did
They have to know
Poor boys
Housing a freak show.

“I heard you walking around. but I just went back to sleep.”

"Girlie"
Get better soon
The flinch in my tired heart
Her teardrops and a lost embrace
Mama’s in the backseat

“My baby tried to **** herself”

I still have those clothes
I could have died in
I think I'm wearing the pants
As I write this past one in the morning
I know exactly where the shirt is
Crumpled in the drawer.
Just a stomachache. Back to school tomorrow. Then someday I’ll come clean.

Sometimes I wish I’d said yes
I wish they would have known to coddle me
To treat me like a broken vase
A tortured child who’s seen to much
That’s all I was.

But now I’ve superglue.
And I'm healing.
In order to see the truth within
Sometimes I have to turn around.
written sometime after my last suicide attempt (2017).
jonas tate Jan 2020
All I want is one day
Where my veins don't itch below the skin
Where I don't crave the bites

All I want is one day
Where I don't have to think about it
If only so I could clear the hair from my skin without temptation

All I want is one day
Where I don't have to fight with myself through every moment
To indulge in life's simple pleasures with an undistracted mind

All I want is one day
Where the spiders don't crawl beneath my skin
And I cease searching for scars that have since faded

All I want is one day
But I would take an hour-
Or even a minute...

Simply to be free of the spiderwebs that splay across my skin.
350 days clean today and I still crave it.
January, 2020
jonas tate Jan 2020
I am a broken bird
I cannot fly, I only peep
And hope that another will lift me up and away.

I am a broken bird.
I cannot fly, he's heard my peep
But another has lifted me up and away.

I am a broken bird.
I cannot fly, I only cry
He staggers into clouds and falters with my weight

I am a broken bird.
I cannot sing, I shall not peep
I peck until he lets me fall

I am a broken bird.
I cannot swim, I shall not fly
I will sink into this ocean I have fallen in

I am a broken bird.
I cannot swim, I shall not try
I will drown in my volition where I have been left
written in September of 2019
jonas tate Jan 2020
She may have ground my bones to dust
But I took back the dust and built new bones.

Every cell in my body
From the tip of my tongue to my eyelashes to the bones in my hips
Every cell in my body burns when I think of her
written in October of 2019
jonas tate Jan 2020
It's days like these
And girls like her
That make me think I could be okay to stay
Inside my shell.

It's days like these
And boys like him
That make me almost want to stay
To avoid association.
written in November of 2019
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