Sometimes I
  pray for dawn,
    for this city
     to wake up
      & release a
   cacophony of
noise, for
engines to start
   & kettles to boil,
    for workers to
     drill huge holes
    in dirt roads,
anything but this 
   silent abyss
     that makes me
   want to flee
 mid sleep,
steal a car;
 ignite a spark
    in a never
        ending dark

Time to think
Of what is happening
Ambushed in my own head
The worst kind
Of planned pain

I'm deflated to the floor
Fixated down
Each whip
Hammering at my back
Tasting the wood
I start to count
Adding up the licks
Like electric shocks
Forming patterns in my head
Finding logic in numbers
When she will tire?
This session's termination
Seeking a hint of hope
In her shortness of breath
Whipping the same mark in consistency
Until my skin is tarnished
An obvious sequenced rule
Once my skin becomes raw
The sting takes a turn
To a sharpening burn
numbing quiets the scald
Pain I bare
Until I hear my
Little brother's screams
Punishing my core

My heart beats out
Through my shoulder blades
Begging for my mother to hear it
Our rhythm once connected
Now detached
Unable to hear it's plea

Captured by this creature
Who lives in solitude
Her rotten soul  
Living in her own reclkless world
Where no one belongs

It's over finally
As she wanders away
Ordering us to remove our mess
A collection of carnage
And sweaty weeps
Dehydrated in my cloth of depression
Erasing the abuse
Where I retreat
To my bed
And expel cries
For my ears alone
Protesting against my weakness
Refusing to show her
How much she hurts me

© Jl 2016

Voice in the sky
Calling my name
Choices I've made
Prices I've paid
Hands from the sky
Rip me open
Suffer begin
Unfriendly end

God forgive me
For the times when I was wrong
God have mercy
For the times when I have sinned

Stars in the sky
Guide my way home
A place to belong
I've been lost for far too long
Stars in my eyes
Scars on my skin
Suffer begin
Heaven let me in

God forgive me
Hands from the sky rip me open
God have mercy
Suffer begin