Stepping in front of a car has never struck me as w**reckless.

Personal space bled
Alone in a crowded room
You are everything

If I want to die, I'll do it myself
I'll save a kid or some **** and make it look like I died a hero
But nah, I had a death wish.
Didn't any of you know?
I said it probably forty-million times.
It's cool the kid is alive, though.
And it's cool that this all rhymes.

Tell the kid while I convulse, choking on blood that  I said,
"Eat your vegetables. Stay in school. Being in love is really cool.
It's okay to be alone. It's okay to be afraid. Don't make the decision I made."

Then play some surfer music and have him stand in front of a projector,
projecting video waves and dreams, as they start to dance.

Honestly.
If I wanna die, it's by your side.
But you're gone.
Away.
It was too hard, and you're afraid.
I'm afraid, too. I don't wanna die.
But this isn't living, what I'm doing now.
It's survival, and it's just
blood and bone.
Eat and walk.
In a crowded room, alone.
Smile and talk.
I can't feel. I can't feel. Keep saying it: I can't feel.

But I feel it all, and if I want to die then it's by your side.
If I wanna die, then I want to talk to you before I go.
If I'm going to die then it's because it's hard to cope
knowing that I love you, and you love me, but you don't wanna anymore.
So I don't wanna anymore, anything.
I don't wanna be here.
I don't wanna be anywhere.
I don't wanna be.

I dream a lot now, more than before.
Reality has become the compass to a draining nothingness,
and I don't want to stick around.
Either way, I'll dream or think of nothing, and it couldn't be that bad.

"No one is worth taking your life over."
"It gets better."
"What if she wasn't the one?"

How do you know how I feel?
What if it doesn't?
What if she was?

Can I bathe in nihilism or is that too transparent?
Should I shake the salsa in the silver room of the Lisbeth Salander character arch or should I be in the ark, two by two, with Noah?
At least I'll be able to feel, taste, see the shine, relate to another's pain, realize a life, be next to one meant for me in the shelter of doom and eventual hope, and be with a man with as much certainty, perceived as crazy or brilliant as me.

Can you walk home to me?

To know that what I knew is what I may never know is something I don't want to know, and something I'll always know could be something I live for and by, and that's all I knew before and now I know nothing but that.

If I wanna die, then it's knowing you as I walk to you or you walk to me, in depth, in death, in soliloquy.

The crumbling clock is my hoarder as it keeps everthing I don't need like memories, future events, and times and dates for places I don't want to be.

Is it too much to want to be a fly on the wall that is smashed?

I've never been so lost.

"Don't be so dramatic. Don't be so dramatic. Don't be so dramatic."

Okay, thanks. Now I can think of that, and what else is wrong with me while I feel lost. So lost, and unlike ever before if I ever was lost before.

What do I even say on my note?

Ooops?
Whoops?
My bad?
It's never enough, isn't it?

If I could wrap your sorrow around my lungs to where I could only breathe your sadness as I give you my hopes, joys, and everlasting essence to fuse with you as you feel complete, I would, I have, and I lay empty.

Is this enough to say?
Do you get my point?

We are nothing but the interweaving of bleak and hopeful threads that we fasten around a branch to hang the ones we love and cut free the ones we loathe, so they may prosper and thrive from our anguish. Never focusing on others, we are inaudible to their cries in the dark stations that we possess as they morph into cavernous cancer vortexes that absorb their happiness into our misery. There is no reward at the end, there is only the validation of endurance and the uncertainty of purpose. We are loveless quasi-predators that want to be mistaken as selfless and proven important.

Pretentiousness drenches us like an insecure rain
Hiding our lack of intelligence, our dull wit, our bland ordinariness
That suggests we're nothing but grain
In a bronze field of millions of other strands, the same.
That try so hard to understand, but do not retain.
Moving back and forth in the wind from another field
Better than us, but we arrogantly refuse to see, let alone yield.

Reading Ulysses, Dylan Thomas, Catcher in the Rye
Used to be different and genius, but everyone made it so dry
With their 'brilliant' interpretations, or contrived relation
Claiming themselves as the people the pages always cried.
They degraded works that used to give those genuine elation.
There is nothing as sad as watching words disintegrate into a lie.
And there's nothing as disgusting than those who swallow the ink
Regurgitating the letters into what they try to believe is their natural drink

Don't say it's okay
Don't say it's fine
I drag
the heart
you tore apart
into a straight line

Thoughts provide internal expression in my external repression
Bring me your eyes, loved surprise, stay until sunrise, more honesty in lies
Violet past in the violent pass glances at me through the sky's glass
And it's hard to last, but worth it to show that I know, yes I know ever so sure
That you are mine, and I am yours

By the shore of the ocean of the golden crown of the sun
Do you remember when we were fun? Do you remember being new?
I was enthralled by myself, but more enthralled by you.
Now, in love so strong that God couldn't scoff if I were to slice wrist after wrist
If I had to stop you from all that is wrong in the suffocating mist
Of our parents, our friends, their lies, their ends
Influencing us because we're alone by ourselves
On a burning boat floating on a ocean containing whispers in seashells

And I remember you, the way I pushed my fingers through
Around and past your skin
Touching what was ours, but cascaded by the sin
Our parents decide to keep, and we try so hard to weep but we feel nothing more
The sugar in the sands of the seashore run so deep, and we lay and lose sleep
Missing out on dreams of us and money signs, on clothes and smiles, wherever
So I can love you forever

I get so scared in this place, so out of place, so many people that aren't people
Pretending to be doctors, lovers, gods, and human beings
Soft and free, could it be that we are drifting near any other home at all?
Shoes, pants, shirts, and skirts shaming our sweet shore. Is there any more?
Scandalizing scents scold sure souls soundly supplementing suffering sons
Profoundly, I look at you and search within myself to someone else
Because the words I say are stronger; lets stay out on the coast longer
Nothing could be wronger than living in a home on fire
So let me hold you close until I grow tired

On a body of moving life, is my heart ready for death?
I don't want to think of you dying at all
But someday you will die, and what have I
Some lonely nights and dreams we used to share
Until I watched that man drive into your passenger seat
And your head hit the dashboard
Your feet kicked underneath
As blood left your nose, I tried to be so close
To keep you from the hurt
To keep you close and safe
But the bone disagrees, and in forty five degrees
I watch your fingers grab at your face
Let me get closer as my heart will race
If I lose you I will fall, into a loveless call
That keeps me awake at night, and I'll scream into nothing
Asking for everything, now and please
Because my heart with you is at ease

Without you I would be left breathing through a tube
Eyes glazed with an 11:14 truth,
because I did remember you
In 2078, my heart will stay with you and break
As the nurse breaths my words, everything at stake
Her hand will clutch my shoulder, and my chest will crash into itself
Every book falling off the bookshelf at night
My rusted hands from left to right
That used to hold your hands up the street
So proud of you, I bragged to everyone we'd meet
I love her so, and if you don't know, with her everywhere I go
Love into another dimension or time, she is my heart, my reason, my rhyme
And I'll remember her, as the hurt digs ever so deep
Losing sleep until the time is gone, and I am done

Don't tell me it's okay
Don't tell me it's fine
I drag
the heart
that's torn apart
into a straight line