i'm just a single star in the universe, in love with a galaxy.

today is just really ****** and i wish i wasn't alive to feel it

For the past week I've fallen sleep at 6 or 7 am and I would give anything to go to bed at a decent time

The fact of how beautiful you are just overwhelms me

Your sweetness is the most amazing feeling I can feel at this moment in time

When we talk I completely forget about all of the bad stuff in my life

These are the good memories. The ones we should all keep in our heads on a bad day

The days we don't talk are the bad days I was just talking about

But when you message me I've never felt so happy in my entire life

I'd message you now, but I'm still waiting for a reply

(J.A.)

I still love you mom and dad
But I feel more at home when I'm away from here
I'll never find anything in this dead place
My heart's been buried in the midwest
And I've been digging out for the past three years

i still make 11:11 wishes and wishes on shooting stars and i know theyll come true because my only wish is to spend the rest of my life with you.

let's build a real cool fort and turn on the 1975 while we make out.

we lied down on her bed
and she told me the story of how her father left
with a cigarette in her left hand
and my hand in her right
she spoke with sound of sadness and
she looks at the wall
and hangs on it is
a photo of her father
she wraps her arms around me
and she cries for what seems like
an eternity

i love you

you glued my heart

back together

from the microscopic pieces

that it once was

just thinking of you is like an atomic bomb full of flowers in my brain

when i think back on all the girls i’ve dated

i’ve noticed very different interests now than what i saw in the past

one was very religious and demanding

one liked to get high and drunk when i really didn’t

the second one ****** with my mind too bad

it was almost every time i messaged her she was high or drunk

and the only thought i had was “is she really meaning the things she says?”

i was always afraid to die

i was always afraid death would be slow and painful

i was always afraid i would die young

i was afraid everyday thinking it would be my last day

don't be afraid

death is a part of life

don't fear it

love it

(J.A.)

I was cleaning my room and i found a small box with a poorly carved heart

in it were polaroids we took and a note you left me the night you left a year ago

and i began to wonder why did i keep the note

why did i keep the only reminder i have of the night i lost everything

"its not you its me" how ******* cliche

when i finished reading i felt as if i had been punched in the gut

there was just a deafening silence  

3 months later i walk into the coffee shop downtown and im in the sitting area writing stupid poems and i hear a sweet and soothing voice and i glance over and the girl in the apron behind the counter has completely blown me away

i look for like 6 seconds and she looks so i look away in an instant

i come back the next day and maybe this day ill have the courage to ask her out

or just buy a coffee and not have the guts to have a conversation with her

im in the sitting area once more and i walk to the counter and ask for a frappe and you make it for me i thank you and i walk away, there goes all my courage

the cartoon devil and angel on my shoulder climb into my brain fighting over what i should do

eventually the angel won

luckily youre on break

i walk up to you and tell you my name and you tell me yours and after 10 minutes of getting to know one another i ask you out on a date and as anxiety wraps his hand around my throat you say yes and he loosens it

we plan a date for saturday night

i drive to your house and on the way on the highway a car flipped over with ambulances on the scene i hope the driver is okay

i pull into your driveway and i go to your door and you open it as im about to knock and ******* you look so beautiful

we go to a restaurant of your choosing that ive never been to before and we talk about our childhood, and our current lives and i pay for the check and we head out

we still have time to spare so i ask if you wanna go stargazing and you happily agree

we drive up and luckily no one else is around i turn on the radio and we lay on the hood of the car and this turns into a daily thing for after our dates

a month later we're happily together as a couple and  your family loves me and my family loves you and i stop by the coffee shop everyday to say hi and grab a cup of coffee

but forward to 7 months later as things went downhill

we were living together

you barely looked at me anymore

you never wanted to go on dates or stargazing

you were never in the shop when i came in as if you were hiding from me

i walked into my room and there was a note from you

you were leaving me

a year later I was cleaning my room and i found a small box with a poorly carved heart

in it were polaroids we took and a note you left me the night i found your note a year ago

and i began to wonder why did i keep the note

why did i keep the only reminder i have of the night i lost everything

"its not you its me" how ******* cliche

You sit behind your desk with a fake smile telling the parents you’ll do everything you can to make it stop. But nothing will stop. You’re not going to talk to the bully, you’re not going to tell his parents, you’re not going to tell the school system, and you sure as **** are not going to make sure this problem stops.

Are you idiots too stupid to see the problem here?

I started getting bullied in 3rd or 4th grade and didn’t know what to think of it

That was of course until my brother got shoved into a stall (by persons name I will not mention), in 6th grade and his ear started bleeding

That was of course until I was physically and verbally bullied.

I would get called a ***, *******, idiot, loser, freak, “emo”, a waste of space, *****, etc.

That totally got to me and I believed every single word they said

Then comes physical bullying

I got punched in the face in 7th grade for no reason at all and didn’t know how to stand up for myself

In fact the guy who did it, I still see everyday in the halls

Let’s face it, I was 120 pounds of no muscle at all

I also remember a year or two back this huge football player grabbed me and my brother in the headlock and started calling us ****, and when we called him fat, the other football players said that was cold and mean…

Verbal contact still happens today sometimes
Physical contact? Not so much

But I still get made fun of but I’ve learned one thing.

Ignore it.

They don’t know you. They don't know your life. They don't know anything.

They come to you because they know you don't know how to stand up for yourself

But keep these 3 words in your mind through it all.

You are loved.

You’re not alone. There are many others like you. You will never be alone as long as you have those people standing by your side through everything and anything.

(J.A.)

I'm in sort of a writers block

I want to write about sadness but I have nothing to be sad about

I want to write about happiness but I write about that too often and it feels weird

I currently have my headphones in listening to Pianos Become The Teeth in my own little world

My girlfriend is the only thing that makes me happy

My best friends do as well

I can go to them with any sorts of problem and not be judged

I don't really talk to my family about personal problems because I know they'll judge me

Actually last week my dad said to me "there isn't a single gay bone in your body

I'm not gay at all

I support gay rights, yes

But that doesn't mean anything

It seems the only family I trust is my cousin and sister

I can't even tell my counselor my problems because I know he'll tell my parents and I don't want them to know anything because, like I said, they'll judge  me

It's like if I tell him I'm depressed, he'll tell them and they'll worry and tell me ******* that makes it worse

I'm in a tough spot

(J.A.)

do you think the neighbors are mad? everyone left their trash on their lawn. someone's asleep on the roof. someone's asleep on the grass. the party lasted for 13 hours and not a minute later. bags under everyone's eyes,  alcohol in everyone's system, except for mine.

how did i spend my 16th birthday?
listening to my parents argue

where did i go?
nowhere, just my room

was it celebrated at all?
no

was it anything to remember?
**** no

our solar system is one big giant mystery

many theories have been made up

but there will be no explanation for it

the sun is our brightest star

but in my eyes you're my brightest star

there are approximately 400 billion stars

and i show my love for you with each of them

i want to take you on a date

to the milky way

the second most beautiful thing i've ever seen

the color of a star can tell an observer a lot of things

if you're the star and i'm the observer

then you have told me a lot of beautiful things

dear ashley,

when looking up at the stars and the moon while laying in the grass, i cant help but imagine the warmth of your fingers intertwined with mine. the moon is bright and caught in our orbit, you're bright and caught in my orbit of love. there are over 1 trillion stars in each galaxy.. and there are millions of galaxies beyond ours. each star has a name and some are brighter than our brightest star the sun. but in my eyes you're my brightest star and your name is ashley. or baby girl, babe, etc. you shine brighter than the sun on a hot summer day. you shine brighter than a rainbow. you shine brighter than the milky way. you shine brighter than all the trillions of stars combined. you're my galaxy and observing you is my most favorite thing.

Even though I'm 939 miles away I always imagine you're by my side every night before I sleep

The only place I'm with you side by side is in my dreams

If that's the only place I'll ever see you then I guess I'll sleep forever

(J.A.)

Our love isn't based on us sitting behind other screens sitting 939 miles away

Our love is based on the way our hearts feel no matter the distance

I don't need to touch your skin to know the warmth of your beauty

All I need is a photo of you and my eyes looking at them and my mouth smiling

(J.A.)

DON'T stress out your child because of their grades
DON'T physically hit your child
DON'T call you child worthless
DON'T tell your child you're not proud of them

Your child looks up to you and sees you as their role model, don't make their future look bleak.

When you get back on that plane I will be scared to say I miss you

Mere seconds after I see your face through the plane window my lips will long for yours like they did for almost a year

A half-baked smile and a love to pretend,
But prior to then, love was nothing more to me than a vacation,
A vacant motivation,
To avoid the means it takes to reach any real end.
A sense of salvation,
But also an element of bitter hope,
To cope with the rope that was tied around my neck.

... and my life on this little planet we call earth will not be fulfilled until the day you die.

looking in your eyes was like looking at a car wreck

Climbing this mountain that I call my life is on my list of things to do before I die

If I fall off the edge, "help" is the only word I'll cry

And the only question I can ask myself is "why?"

Why did I let myself fall off the edge?

I'm sure we've all fallen off the edge at least one point in our lives

But I'm sure we've all had someone to help pull us back to the spot we were in

We're all just leaves blowing along, slowly going wherever the wind takes us

And wherever it takes us is where we're destined to be

(J.A.)

It's funny. Almost a year ago I didn't even see myself living to 18. But now I know I will because it'll be spent with you.

(J.A.)

i still remember when we'd stay up til 3 am messaging each other talking about music

now i can't even bare to look in your eyes or even say your name

the shirt i gave you probably smells like cigarettes and alcohol by now

you always told me to slow my words down so you could understand me

but maybe you didn't understand what pain i was trying to explain

half of my summer consisted of sadness and cigarettes thanks to you

i know what you did to me because i was there on the other side of the wall

while you were with the guy you didn't know, i was sitting at the fire being warmed by it and not you

(J.A.)

i was buried in the backyard along with the dog

our skeletal remains will rot for the next 100 years

our home was destroyed when the 2 people who gave me birth left me here to rot

the neighbors tried to wake me up but there was sort of response

the sirens dwelled while we slowly rotted away on my bedroom floor.

(J.A.)

I hate knowing you breathe the same air as me.

My grandma told me it was time to go home, and that's when I so badly wanted to ask to stay one more night
I felt more at home at my grandmas than I do in my regular house
So I kicked on my old vans, grabbed my back pack and went home
Compared to my regular house, we do more stuff at my grandmas than we do there
Where at home I just lay in bed listening to my music and watch movies that I've seen like 500 times
There's a picture in our kitchen that says "God Bless Our Home"
Then again I haven't come into contact with any sort of god.
The only people in my house are me, my brother, and mother
And my dad on the weekends since my parents separated at least a year ago
And my sister is going off to college soon so I don't really ever see her because she lives with her mom and has a job
I see her on holidays and birthdays and such which makes me happy
Life in my home hasn't been the same since my parents split
We used to be active I would say
Now I all I do, like I said before, is lay in bed.
I go out sometimes, for shows and other stuff
I don't really hang out with friends from school except for my bestfriend since we go to the same shows
School starts back in a few weeks and am I prepared? Yes and no
I'm excited to see my friends and I'm not excited to see people who annoy me
But let's go back to talking about home
What's your definition of home?
In the dictionary home is the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
My definition of home is that home is a place where you make memories. Home is a place where you live and die. Home is a place full of love and hate. It's a place where you can feel comfy and warm or miserable and cold.
Home is where the heart is and I guess my heart moved out a long time ago...

the sun sets as we finish our day

the moon rises as we start off our night

i figured happiness would be my top priority, not a letter that defines my intelligence.

... and i felt you tighten the noose around my neck
and i felt you push the chair from under my legs.

i’m basically on the verge of an anxiety attack

i try to pray to a god that may or may not exist

i dread the future

i dread the day i hear the words “i think we should break up”

i’ve experienced those 6 words plenty of times

sometimes i was crushed

sometimes i knew it was the right thing to do

i’m in love with a girl who has flowers for eyes

i fell in love with her beauty

i fell in love with her smile

i fell in love with every tiny bit of her

she’s 939 miles away and i don’t get to touch her skin until next year

but the way she talks to me, treats me, and the way she makes me feel

makes me the happiest person to ever walk this earth.

(J.A.)

Hung around Quik Trip until we felt more success
Headed on the highway 5 minutes to 3
Put our location on the GPS
Had on my hood so no one could talk to me

Dear you,

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuc­kyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucky­oufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou­fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufu­ckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou

Si­ncerely, Josh

I had a dream
I was in a car with a few of my friends
We were driving down through a neighborhood and all of a sudden we crashed into a tree in front of a house
I went through the windshield and so did the driver
There were no survivors

A wife, husband, and a child who was like 7-8 were standing in the doorway of their house
The husband walked over and was almost in grief
About 5 minutes later you could hear the ambulance sirens dwell

People crowded around behind caution tape
Children were asking their parents what happened and they told them various answers

The ambulances hauled our bodies off
The news was all over it...

Your eyes cross my mind like many other things do
If I had a top 10 list of things that cross my mind everything about you would fill it up
When I think of you my smile comes out and it won't go away because you can't frown at the thought of you

It all started with you telling me to close my eyes and that you have a little surprise for me.

We were laying in your bed with dim lights on and you grabbed my face and kissed me yet i kept my eyes closed because if i opened them ******* i would've seen the mistake i made and it would've dragged me into a self made hell i made in my imagination that was leaded by you

yet that hell would've been the only place where i felt comfortable so i opened my eyes and kissed you back to know what kissing a snake felt like

sometimes when i look at you i get chills down my body knowing that i love you but i wish i didnt

when i kissed you i closed my eyes wondering if what we had or would have one day is real

when i kiss your lips i start trembling but **** i cant help but kiss you

when i was at home alone you texted me

"hey im on my way to your house lets drive around"

we drove around talking about how big the universe is and how we're not alone and blah blah blah

then i was silent for about 20 seconds and you parked your car downtown and no one was around and you looked me in the eye and said "i love you"

i looked at you while you looked at me and said i love you too

and in my head i thought i wish i didnt

it was a week or two later we were driving to a restaurant and we held hands as you drove and your car went out of control and went off the bridge

i woke up a day later in a hospital bed with you in the bed next to mine but when i called your name something seemed a miss

your body was covered except for your hand which was hanging on the side and when i held it you were cold and i found out i was the only one who survived

at your funeral i laid a rose on your casket and told you i loved you but i wished i didnt

I don't want to watch you step on the plane after we lock our lips for the last time for a long time

It's 4:21 am and I can't close these sleepy eyes because our skype call from like 15 minutes ago was amazing like you

It's 3:23 am where you are and you have work in like 8 hours so you're sleeping and when you awake you'll feel brand new

Hotel Books is playing on my spotify and it's so soothing, just as soothing as your voice is which is not like the other ones

You're 926 miles away and that's the only sad part but every other piece of this relationship is just so wonderful that words can't even describe what I've won

I love how we make each other laugh at the stupidest things and compliment each other a lot that it makes it so funny

I get to see you in like 332 days hopefully. The time we spend with each other in person will be some of the best memories of my life as everyone can see

I can't sleep due to the fact that I can call you mine
I love every tiny thing about you
Your eyes, your voice, your smile
If there's one thing I'm sure of its that your smile could make flowers bloom

I didn't really think I'd find a girl I admire as much as I do you
I love how much we have in common
It's as if we're the same person too

I love you

I love you

(J.A.)

i will never forget the day your crescent moon eyes and long blonde hair took over my heart and put it in a permanent state of bloom. your beauty and love is the only thing that keeps me alive and well and if i never had it or felt it i wouldnt even be here. your love is like petting a cat while it purrs. your love is like being carried by a crowd of doves through the stars. your love is something that not everyone feels. my love for you is permanent and will never disappear. my love for you is more than all the stars and galaxies combined. my love for you is infinite. and infinity isnt anything until you believe in love and look for it among the stars.

why'd you only talk to me when you were high?

the minute i kiss you my brain will stop functioning for half a second to focus on the masterpiece that is kissing the lips of its painter

sit my head on my desk
while the teacher speaks

speaking about equations
and factoring

doodle on the wood
as i doze off

i'm wondering what i'll dream about

maybe about my future
maybe about my past

maybe about life
maybe about death

you are a work of art

you are my mona lisa

you are my david

you are my the scream

you are my the starry night

but you are most of all my masterpiece

I have OCD

I get attached to way too many things

I've gotten attached to people and things

I probably have an infinite list

B U T

My all time favorite obsession is loving you.

i may look like i'm something on the outside,  but deep down inside i'm absolutely nothing

i'm unfortunately not worth it and i never will be.