One of my friends graduated today,
But as I came home bad thoughts lingered.
They brought me back to you,
And it made me realize how torn up I still am.

I don’t know exactly what I need.
If it is time, let it be…
Everyone I talk to about this says that it takes time…
Well, I have been waiting and time has been ticking and sadly I’m still here.

I don’t know what to do.
I have found another,
But the seeds of doubt and uncertainty that you planted are starting to grow.
And on the horizon, I can visualize history repeating itself.

I don’t know…
Maybe closure would have made this a little more bearable.
Instead of finding out that you’ve moved on, while I was stuck.
How fast one can move from love?
Was it love…?
I certainly thought it was, but maybe I was wrong.

I want this to go away so I can cherish the one I’m with.
But it’s not going away…
The only thing I do know is that it seems like this pain is here to stay.

*- j.m.

We left the book open months ago.
Our love told a fantastic story,
But suddenly it fell apart.
Almost instantaneously
Our love became inked pages falling from the binding.

I loved our story,
Quite honestly I miss our story.
But, the way that our story ended wasn’t right,
A love as rich as ours shouldn’t have ended through phone calls and text messages.
It deserved an ending full of rich depth.
It deserved something much more than what we gave it.

I don’t know if you still think of me.
I doubt it.
But I think of you.
I know you moved on,
And I moved too.
But we broke it off in different places,
We called it quits when we were probably longing for each other to hold on.

It ended suddenly,
Without a final goodbye,
But with periods at the end of messages.

An improper dénouement for a fairytale.

She said your name yesterday
It wasn’t the fact that she said it that took me aback
It was with the naïve and almost joyous tone that she spoke your name.
Of course, it was natural for her to be happy.
She saw that you brought me happiness,
And she probably bought the sugarcoated truths we told her.
About how distance took us apart,
Or maybe how it just wasn’t the right time.
By buying into the doctored truths we told, it probably gave her a sense of hope.
Distant opportunities, that one-day further down the road
We’d be together.
Although when I heard your name, it all came back.
The truth unfolded itself within my mind.
It was bitter and raw.
Flashing back through the all of the memories,
One thought lingered in my mind:
Sometimes, love dies.
At that instant I returned to reality,
And the only word I could muster up in a stoic tone laden with defeat was:

“Oh.”

*- j.m.

Trust me,
if I could be sleeping next to you
I would.

If I could wake up next to you,
I would.

If I could pick up my life and revolve it around you
I would.

I would like to do many things.
I wish I could take away my pain.
I wish I could rid you of your pain.

I wish life was simpler.
I'd make it easier if I could.

Trust me, I’d do many things if I had the power.
Sadly, I’m not in control.

I guess that’s what hurts the most:
Lacking control and the uncertainty that follows.

*- j.m.

Sometimes
your best
isn’t enough.

*- j.m.

And up with the flames they go,
memories now turned to ash.

The physical items have been destroyed,
although the memories are branded forever in our minds.

Through the fire we have been healed…
Just as the roaring flames devastate a forrest, so too do plants rise from the ashes.

We have been ravished, destroyed, and thoroughly eviscerated,
Battle tested, and **** near defeated, yet we still stand.

Through the fire we have been tested,
and through the fire we have been refined.

Among the ashes we find ourselves,
and from the ashes we shall rise taller than we ever have…

When I hear the word “forever,”
I become cautious.

I’ve heard the word many times.

And each time that word is tested,
Its eternality becomes more finite
And its timelessness reveals an expiration date.

*- j.m.

Do you really think I want to cut someone loose?
Do you think I want to be the cold person?

Having important people in my life makes me happy.
I want them to stay forever.
I want them to want to stay…

But when they hurt me,
When they judge me,
When they do me wrong,
After I’ve treated them like family…
That’s when become colder.

You don’t hurt me,
When I have never wronged you.

Don’t have the naivety or the audacity
To think I will continue to make room for you in my life.

I don’t like burning bridges that I constructed.
I don’t like cutting off people I’ve invested my all into.
But, sometimes it’s necessary.

*- j.m.

I’ve accepted this.
This isn’t something that brings me great joy
But it is something that I just had to face:

It’s over.
The person I trusted the most left.

My mind doesn’t rest easy with this.
How can anybody be completely unaltered
After losing someone they trusted?

You hope that you can trust people
You hope those people will not hurt you.
But sometimes the ones closest to you will leave
Leaving you to wonder:
Why does this hurt so bad?

People leave.
Trust shatters.
Life, sadly, moves on.

*- j.m.

One day I’ll come home from work
Exhausted from the daily grind,
And you’ll be there.

Your smile will rejuvenate me.

One evening we’ll be sitting on the couch
Watching a movie
We’ll be all comfy and warm.

You’re company will complete me.

And one morning I will wake up
Rested from my slumber.
And as I open my eyes,
There you are.

Your presence will make me the happiest man alive.

I don’t know where you are now,
But I do know you’re out there somewhere,
And you’re getting here as fast as you can.

I long for the day that you arrive.

*- j.m.

My house wasn’t a house.
It was our home.

When we were here,
Silence turned into symphonies,
And empty rooms were filled with warmth.

We made this house a home.

This home is desolate now,
But I can vividly see memories of what used to be.

At the door, your beautiful face greeted me.

In the kitchen, I watched you cook.
We would sneak in a couple of kisses on the counter.
And then you’d go back to cooking; I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.

Eating breakfast with you at the table felt surreal.
I had shared meals with you before, but this was different.

After breakfast I carried you up the stairs to our room.
We made love on the bed, the floors, the bathroom counter, and the shower.
Our love was boundless.

There isn’t a place within this house that I can’t see you.
These memories greet me every day with a frigid certainty:
This was our home,
Now, it’s just my house.

*- j.m.

I don’t let most people in anymore.
I’ve learned my lesson from experience.

Sometimes, you let someone in and they take what they need and leave.
And sometimes, someone stays…
They stay long enough for all of your walls to come down,
Long enough for all of your scars to heal,
And then one day you wake up and they are nowhere to be found.

So, forgive me if it takes a lot for me to let you in…
Forgive me, if my walls are higher than before…
Because, I know pain…
I know it all too well…

How do I know if you won’t be like the others?
I don’t want to lower my walls,
to discover that you stole something from me while I wasn't looking.

I don’t want to wake up empty again…
I do not want to feel that pain again.

*- j.m.

Honesty is all I ask of you.
By that I mean, open yourself up to me.
Tell me what is constantly on your mind.
Tell me what do you dream about at night
Tell me about all of your hopes that you constantly strive for
And tell me of the fears that visit you at night…
Tell me about your mistakes and your successes.

Because, I want to know it all.

Leave no stone unturned when you talk with me.
If anything you say is embarrassing, tell me so we can laugh together.
If anything you say is good, tell me so we can both be happy.
And, if there comes a time when anything you say is sorrowful,
Tell me so that we can both feel the pain...

If you laugh, let us both laugh.
If you smile, let us both smile.
And, if you cry, let us both feel the pain, the tears, and the anguish.
So that we can get through anything and everything together…

Share yourself with me…
Open yourself up to me, and I will do the same…

Because, I want to know it all.

*- j.m.

I need you gone.
I need your presence that looms in my mind to disappear.
I want the memories eradicated.
I want any iota of anything regarding you to be forbidden within me.
Because, on days like these when my mind is racing and I revisit my past, you return.

You, of all people, do not deserve a place within my mind.
Because of you I am broken.
No longer is everything bright, happy, and wonderful.
Now, I question others more… their ways and their motives.
And even now, my mind, which used to be secure, is now overwhelmed with doubt.

Originally, I thought you were the one for me.
But that’s the thing about thoughts: sometimes you’re just wrong.
I wish I wasn’t wrong, but I cannot change that now.
I wish I didn’t know you…
I just wish we didn’t meet,
Because even though we had some great times, and surely they were great,
But it was not worth the fall…
It was not worth it at all.

Now, all I am left with is a shattered heart, and a mind that is in shambles.
While you are happy living, I am left picking up the pieces of the chaos you caused.
While you are moving on, I’m trying my best to proceed, but sometimes I get stuck.
There should be something that happens to people like you…
People that grow on you, people that hold a sacred part of you, and then they leave…
People like you should be the broken ones, not us.

I need you gone, so I can move…
Please… just leave.

- J.M.

Subtly and quietly, uncertainty has recaptured its place in my mind.
Just as soon as I thought I was happy,
When I thought the sun was shinning over the horizon,
The gloomy impenetrable clouds of uncertainty and indecision return into my view.

I know that somewhere beyond these clouds there is light.
But, why must the clouds stand in the way?
Why must they frequently return?

Please, let me be.
Let me enjoy.
Put my mind at ease, and allow me to feel fervently.
Allow my emotions to ravish me in pure ecstasy.
Let the light consume every single part of me.
Fill me light, until my cup is overwhelmed. Inundate every part of me!
I beg, and I plea! Light, please take me!
Allow me to soar past the darkness that constantly captures me, that enshrouds me, that eviscerates the entirety of me!

Please, ominous and petrifying clouds of indecision and uncertainty…
Please… let me be happy.

- *j.m

Is it sad that I want you back in my life?
Yes, you hurt me.
You honestly did more damage to my heart than I thought was ever possible.
I would’ve done anything and everything for you.
But you left.

Is it bad that I want you back in my life?
You brought me joy.
You transformed me from the inside out.
What we had was so real.
But you left.

Am I mad to want you back in my life?
You knew me the best.
You knew parts of me no one else knew.
And you never judged me…
But you left.

Even though you left.
Even though you left me shattered.
I still want you back in my life.

But you left.
And you are not coming back..
Not this time

*- j.m.

I find it sad that I continue to think of you.
I encounter you in my dreams,
And I don’t know why.

It’s as if when you left
You really didn’t leave.
You retreated into a place that I’m not too fond of.
My memories.

Any word,
Any date, or any place is a trigger.
Rapidly the bullets of my mind fire,
Lacking courtesy and mercy.

I figured, if I burned the notes and the cards…
If I smashed all of the presents from the past…
Maybe… just maybe you would go away
And my mind could finally get some rest.

The sad thing is that you cannot control dreams,
And you cannot destroy memories.

Everything catches up to you eventually.
Maybe, I should stop running.

*- j.m.

When I look back,
I remember Montpelier is where I started.
Things were simpler, the days were easier, and everything was brighter.
It’s amazing how much has changed since then.

Back then I didn’t worry about school.
Education was free, I loved learning, and recess was invigorating.
But now, school has conquered my mind with questions like:
Can I pay next year?
What about loans?
Can I keep my scholarship?
Will I have to drop out?

The struggle is alive people, and if you don’t realize it will eat you alive.

Over the years, friends have decreased, family members deceased…
Days have grown longer, and the years have become harder.
My chromatic days filled with vibrant colors have faded away…
The lively colors of my youth have faded away to black, white, and somber greys.
Black carries the bad times, the uncertainty, the doubt.
These times are constant…
White carries the pockets of sunshine within your life…
The good days, when everything is going right, or when a certain special person steps in your life.
And, the grey carries those days where you just don’t know…
Those days where you are stuck in the mundane cycle, constantly trying to find your drive.

I just wonder, where did those vibrant days go?
Because most days I am stuck in the greys…
And, simply, I just do not where did Montpelier go?

*- j.m.

You, my dear, are special.
You are different…
You are kind…

There are many other wonderful things about you
But to write about them would take me a while…

So I’ll close with this:

Thank you, for being you.

*- j.m.

These tears are longing to fall,
And during turbulent times like these I desire a release.

I thought I was done,
But the weight of my situation continues to follow me.
As bad as I want all of this to be gone,
I know that this will not go away easily.

Money is tight.
I have to work harder than ever to stay in school,
Because now higher education and debt are synonymous,
And money is hard to find.

My relationship introduces questions like:
Why isn’t this like the last?
        Will this last?
And many other questions I shouldn’t ask right now.
During sad nights like this when I want you here…
I have to face reality that you live far away,
The reality that our schedules do not, and will not match up,
And sadly, when I need you I know you are asleep.
Is this even real?

Is this all really real?
     I was taught if you do everything right then things will be fine.
     Well, I’ve done everything right…
     I’ve dotted my I’s and crossed my T’s,
     and yet things haven't turned out fine.

All in all, my stress never takes a vacation.
No release for me.

*- j.m.

Trust is not something I relinquish.

You have to earn it,
I have to surrender.

You have to show that you’re different.
And, I have to omit previous experiences
Where others have failed to cherish the gift they received.

It’s hard to erase ink that many have spilled on my papers.

So, if I give you my trust
Tread lightly…
Because it isn’t wise to fool with thin ice.

*- j.m.

Sometimes you can do everything right,
and still be wrong.
Sometimes,
things just do not work.

You reflect,
and you hope and pray,
that things would fix themselves.
But, they don’t.

You contemplate:
the what if’s,
the but’s
the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.

But if you think about it,
if it was really meant to be
it would have stood the tests of time,
it would have taken blow after bitter blow,
and it would still stand.

If it was meant to be,
It would be here right now.

Sometimes in life, you win…
sometimes you win big.
But there will come a day when you will lose,
And sadly you will fail.

Sometimes you win,
and other times you must walk away.

*- j.m.

I didn’t want to let myself fall back into the trap
I didn’t want to remain within a passive shell of my previous self.
I knew it was time to be active,
Or history would have repeated itself.

I was honest,
I was authentic,
I spoke my mind,
And let my tongue free.

This time, I took control.

At some point in life,
A person has to choose to stop meandering.
They have to refuse to be blown around by the winds of life.
At some point, a person has to become an active participant in his or her own life.
And, this was my time.

I took control of the situation,
And I started looking out for me.
Pardon me, if didn’t consider how you felt
Or if I was being too blunt,
But sometimes you need to look out for yourself before you consider others.

Sometimes, you need to watch your own six…
Because you don’t know if the person behind you is really behind you.
Sometimes, the ones that you’d die for are the ones that are pulling the trigger.
If Caesar was betrayed by his closest friend,
What more does that say about the average person and those that are around them.

Know when to take control,
And know when to watch your own six.

*- j.m.

If you are new to love,
I wish you nothing but the best.
I hope your first love is your last.
I hope that your first marriage is your only one.
I hope that everything works out for you.
But it might not work out that way.
Unfortunately, being heartbroken is common.
And, it hurts like hell.

That why those who have been hurt appreciate the sight of innocent love.
It’s so pure, and all of the happiness is still there.

Those who have been hurt support enduring love,
Because it shows that there are still people willing to fight for their love.

Those that have been hurt wish the best to people who are new to love.
Because, we have been hurt.
We don’t want you to be where we have been,
Or where we are.

We’ve been in love,
We have loved, and we have loved more.
And after that love is gone, you are stuck.

So good luck to those that are new,
To those that are innocent,
And to those that are fighting.

Because most of us are stuck.
We may think that we are fine,
But we are stuck
Hoping that someday someone
Will like what they see and accept what they cannot see,
And set us free.

*- j.m.

Let me ask you a question…
Perhaps, someone monumental entered your world.
And, they were the most amazing person you have ever met.
As you began to interact with them, they raptured your entire being.
Your heart bonded to them,
Your mind craved them,
And you loved them.
Instead of staying, what if that person left?
Like a thief in the night, they had ransacked your house and ran off with your valuables.
What if this happened to you?
Would you be the same person you were before?
Would you want to love again?

- J.M.

I’m waiting for you.
I’m waiting for the endless conversations we’ll have.
I’m waiting for the laughter we will share.
I’m waiting for you to break down my walls.
I wait for you.

I’m waiting for our perfect imperfections.
I’m waiting to spend our nights together.
I’m waiting to tell you my every thought.
I’m waiting for our minds to read each other.
I’m waiting for you.

Because of all of this,
Because of our love,
Because of the deeper parts of you that I can’t see right now,
I will always wait for you.

I can’t see you right now,
I might not even know you right now,
But one day I will know you better than you know yourself.
So, take your time getting here
Because, I know you’re worth the wait.

*- j.m.