Everyday, I'm asked how I am feeling.
Everyday, I give the same ******* answer,"I'm fine."
What I really mean is,
I am constantly swirling around in the depths of hell.
I am being washed away under the rough current of the sea
And I can't catch my breath.
I am constantly feeling invisible,
alone, lost, broken, weak.
Some days, I can't get myself to leave my bed
because I know that what lies outside my doors is pain.
I am always feeling helpless, empty, at a loss of words.
I can bring myself to tell you though,
I don't want to hear you tell me
"What's your problem? I haven't done anything wrong, I've raised you right. You aren't asked to do much, you have a pretty easy life, people like you, you're pretty. I don't see why you're depressed. Get over it."
You see though, this IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
It is about the fact that
I am continuously brought down,
shamed, hated on,
constantly not being good enough.
No matter how hard I try,
I am NEVER good enough.
So it leaves me feeling pathetic and worthless,
I can help but self-loathe at this point.
I am in a constant state of misery,
but over the years,
I've perfected my fake smile.
I know how to act like I am fine,
when in reality,
I am dying on the inside with no escape.
Because you can't really escape from your brain,
can you?

I’m sorry for hurting you.
I’m sorry for pushing you away.
I’m sorry for every insult I ever said.
I’m sorry for screaming, even when I had every right to.
I’m not sorry for walking away.
I’m not sorry that things are over.
I’m not sorry that you couldn't see what you were doing to everyone around you.

When you hear silence,
I hear millions of voices,
Too scared to speak out.
Too scared to lose everything.
Too scared because they are afraid that you’re going to hurt them.
Punch them, kick them, slam them into the lockers.
Stick their head into the filthy toilets.
Terrified to hear those homophobic slurs.
Yeah, the ones that seem to be the only thing in your vocabulary.
Petrified that they are going to get kicked out of their home.
That their families won’t love them anymore.
That they’ll never be accepted.

When you hear silence,
I hear all the voices that were silenced by death.
The words you use to make yourself feel “more like a man”,
Actually do cause significant damage.
They leave emotional scars that will never go away.
You make someone feel so horrible that they feel the need to make your life easier.
But it doesn’t.
Once they’re gone all you can think about is how much of your fault it is.

When you hear silence,
Try to think of all the voices that you can't hear.

I'm sorry that I am obnoxious and I ask for a little bit of your time. I'm sorry that I annoy you and I try to make pointless conversations. I'm sorry that I care about you, even when you've given me every reason not to.
2. I'm sorry I didn't kiss you. I couldn't bring myself to. I didn't want to bring myself to that point of opening up and letting my feelings reach surface again. I couldn't do it.
3. I love you. I love the way that you smile. I love how your laugh sounds. I love how enthusiastic you get about some things. I love how you look at me sometimes. I loved that smirk you gave me once. I just love everything about you.
4. I can't take it anymore. I can't talk to you anymore. I have always tried to be your friend, but you constantly make me feel like I am a burden to you and whenever I call you out you say "Oh no, you're fine." But I know you're lying, SO JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH FOR ONCE. I'm sorry that I went out and got a date, but I can't keep having feelings for you. I can't take the emotional heartbreak. I can't do this anymore. I'm done and not sorry at all.

yeah, cool. haha. Yeah no, it's cool.
2. soo, I'm sorry. Yeah, Ik it was pushed back another day. Yes, tomorrow, I promise.
3. I don't like you like that. What are you talking about? No.
4. Yeah, no it's easy to put up with you. Yeah. okay. bye.

In today’s society, everyone ignores what the bible says about adultery.
They ignore what it says about divorce.
They ignore what the bible says about tattoos and *** before marriage.

Yet, when it comes to homosexuality, they remember every god forsaken line.
They hold it against me and everyone like me, as if it would change who we are.
It’s as if the bible (Leviticus 18 and 20) has become law, but ONLY for homosexuality.

But, even if you make it into the law, it won’t change who we are.
We didn't choose to be this way. We are who we are and it doesn't matter if you are screaming at us or whispering behind our back.
We love who we love, no law can change that.

You may say Adam and Eve.
I say, Adam, Eve, Steve, and the transgender man down the street.

You may call it homophobia,
But you aren't afraid of anything,
You’re just an *******.

I am your typical teenage girl.
Music flows through my soul,
Over thinking runs through my veins.
I love with passion,
But my trust is the hardest to gain.
I fall at the first hello.
Sending me in a loop of pain,
That I knew I'd end up in.
I knew I would end up falling hard,
With nothing but the stone cold concrete to catch me.
And with every fall, crash and burn,
My walls are built higher and higher,
So thick that it'd take an atomic bomb to crash it.
But there is always someone who comes along,
They take down my walls a brick at a time,
They take my hand and whisper,
"You are not alone."
The journey with them lasts months,
And it was nice to have someone to confide in.
But the time is over,
It's either I said something wrong,
Or you found someone better than me.
"It's okay, I'll be fine."
I say as I begin the plummet down Mt. Everest again.
The walls start up again,
And I'm left wondering,
"What if I hadn't done this"
"What if I had done that"
"What if I just don't let anyone else in again"
But I'm not going to lie,
It's nice that someone took sometime to help me,
To let me talk about my problems
And to let me feel free.
I understand that time with others is limited.
But I can't help caring,
I care for others so deeply,
That it hurts myself in the process.
All while that's going on,
I'm quickly building up my walls,
Pushing any and everyone that cares away.
Not caring who it hurts,
Only caring that I'm not going to be again.
Once the walls are built,
I still keep my distance.
Weary of everyone around me.
Even my family is being held at bay.
Just went I start to open up to my friends again,
Tragedy strikes.
I become an emotional ball of mess,
And it burns so bridges that I didn't mean to burn.
But at the moment,
I couldn't care less.
My Grandma is on the brink of death,
And her being my guiding light,
I'm not willing to let go.
Willing her to hold onto the rope just a little bit longer,
Crying out in pain,
Silently pleading "NO PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! Please, just hang on."
Days pass, and she can finally leave,
But she still is sick.
She refuses further treatment,
Her impending death eats me alive.
Still hiding myself from my friends,
I continue on with life,
Being lonely, but not hurting anyone.
I open up to a couple of people again,
And they don't ask questions,
They just hug me and are a shoulder to cry on,
They know of the battles I face,
Many if which I have yet to address.
One invites me to her birthday party,
I say sure, what's the harm in going.

That harm, was you.

Never have I thought I could fall for a person so quickly.
Never have I not been nervous around someone upon first meeting them.
It was bliss.
I soon learned that I was starting to like you.
And that, for me, was a problem.
You see, after building up walls,
Trying to keep myself protected,
And then all my defenses failing,
Is pretty rare.
I don't know what it was about you,
But I wanted to get to know you better.
I told one person that I could "trust",
My new found feelings.
And she spread that like wildfire.
Once it got to you,
You started ignoring me and pushing me away.
I should've saw the signs,
But I'm an idiot.
I ignored everything and pushed harder,
Coming off as insane, delusional, and pretty creepy.
I regret that now,
Looking back.

As time passed, I had tried to move on,
I started dating someone else,
And I thought all was fine,
Until he told me I couldn't be friends with you.
I ended it then and their,
And I still have no regrets about it,
I only regretted you finding out I was in a relationship,
Because you seemed distant for a few days after that.
During those few days though,
Life at home got rocky.
Constant fights with my mom,
My grandma getting worse again,
My friends leaving me for someone better.
Life was pretty ******,
And then we started joking around again.
It made me feel a little better.
There is too much to this story to say,
But I'm a teenage girl,
Who fell too to fast for a guy who wasn't ready nor willing to catch her.
And her my walls stand,
A thousand feet high, thousand miles long.
It's fun in my little bubble,
Letting music feel my soul,
And trying to forget about my anxiety and depression.
This is only the beginning of my story,
But the end of ours.
Thank you for walking beside me as a friend.
Because we both didn't have the ***** to speak up.

Drip, drip, drip
Goes my blood onto the sparkling white porcelain.
Blood pooling from my arm,
running down to my fingertips.
The velvety red liquid making me feel something for once,
in this cruel heartless world of ours.
The blood loss making me feel light,
giving me release from the pain I constantly live in.
Giving me escape from the real world.
The blood is running down the sink,
leaving a trail of bright red.
I watch it go down,
like my spirits.
I look into the mirror and look at what I see.
A scared, hurt, ugly little girl.
One who knows too much pain and judgement,
at such a young age.
Why is it that society tells us that we are stupid, ugly, fat and worthless?
Making us feel so pathetic,
that we turn to alcohol, drugs and self-harm.
I look at the girl staring back at me and I begin to sob.
I see every imperfection, because that's what society has taught me to see in myself.
I clean up my arm and the sink.
Turning on my computer, I see two things;
Girls trashing one another and calling each other *****,
and people saying not to listen to "The Haters", that it gets better.
Turning off the social media,
I turn my gaze to the window and I begin to think.
Why does it matter what anyone else thinks?
Why do I always feel like this?
Giving myself a headache,
I get up to go get some alive.
I see my hookah pin.
In and out goes the smoke through my lungs.
The smoke forms a pure white cloud around me and I'm enchanced.
It all looks so pure and beautiful,
yet it is so harmful.
Just like your words that you throw around.
And once you let go of them, you can't get them back.
You make people feel pathetic and worthless,
even though we are SO much more than your words.
We are people who have been put through HELL,
yet we are still here and fighting.
You of all people can't and won't bring me down.
Of course, that's what I always say.
And yet, I go to bed.
Knowing that even when I close my eyes,
the cycle of hell I live in will continue to fling me around.
And it will all just repeat,
Tomorrow.

What is there left to say?
I'm sorry?
Like sorry can really fix anything.
After all the emotional damage we've caused.
After all the bridges we've burned.
You aren't sorry, don't you dare lie to me.
You want to know what is left to say?
***** you.