Jonan: Poems

10w

Jonan Aug 2013

10w

Home is a hell fire
Where the heart once was.

10 w

Jonan Sep 2013

10 w

Like a knife in the back
I can't grasp it.

15w

Jonan May 2013

15w

She smiles in her sleep.

Dreams paint the best pictures.

Her canvas behind her eyes.

******* she's beside me and I still can't make my mind be still.

A haiku for the liver

Jonan Jun 2013

A haiku for the liver

My friends Jack and Jim
Sing so very wonderfully
Whiskey lullabies

A little ditty someone stole credit for

Jonan May 2013

A little ditty someone stole credit for

If you're alone
And I'm alone
Why don't we be alone together?

We can have a drink and
Shoot the **** and
Talk about the weather.

Because I know this world
Has got you
Shaking in your shoes.

So if you're alone
And I'm alone
Why don't we be alone together?

And then there were none

Jonan Oct 2014

And then there were none

No words to find
No words to say
No words to describe
No words that explain
No words for solace
No words for the sane
No words to take it back
No words for a tongue that is lame

None at all

An excerpt from my spoken word days.

Jonan May 2013

An excerpt from my spoken word days.

My nerves hurt
From a sledge hammer and wedge
This venomous vicodin
Got me standing over a ledge
Biting my heels
Pushing me closer to the edge
And running from it don't work no more
Shoot me instead

Fallen a victim
To the dagger of remedies
"Oh no your heart broke?"
"Man, get off your knees"
No more anger no more hatred
"Trade your pain for these"
And if I'm broke it's okay
"I can get what you need"

Rose up from the anger
Now ends with regret
The pills keep me alive
If barely not just yet
A shell of what I thought life was
Now, never upset
How to go on living
Gentlemen place your bets

So rough but I still enjoy it

A perforated mind's sleep cycle

Jonan May 2013

A perforated mind's sleep cycle

I lie
I lie as I lie in bed
I lie saying sleep will come soon
I lie

I sigh
I lie as I sigh to the sunrise
I lie saying I'll make it through
I sigh

I try
I lie as I try to function in daylight
I lie saying I'm that alright
I try

I die
I lie as I die from exhaustion
I lie saying I'll sleep finally
I die

61 hours. No sleep.

ariasyncracies

Jonan Jan 2014

ariasyncracies

Songs of voice
Of soul
Of tongue
Of heart
Build a soundscape striking a chord
In me

Between God and a shot of scotch(10w)

Jonan May 2013

Between God and a shot of scotch(10w)

There was never any question

My breath will tell you

Birthday thought(10w)

Jonan Mar 2014

Birthday thought(10w)

The mirror never judges time.
It silently watches us age.

black strap

Jonan Jun 2013

black strap

Was once cane now resolved to gold
This yeast and barrel turn to my soul
Black liquid that I can hold
Burn the throat and warm the bones
Heal the wounds and fight the cold
Liquored down til I grow old

Bloody poetry

Jonan May 2013

****** poetry

It boils inside you and you see it every day
It kills you to let **** go.
It boils inside you and you hate it every day
In her bruised blue eyes.
It boils inside you and you see it every day
In the stitches the nurses sew.
It boils inside you and you hate it every day
In your sadness and your lies.

It boils inside you and you live it every day
In his scorn and hate.
It boils inside you and you fear it every day
What his hands may do.
It boils inside you and you live it every day
Hoping this time his anger will break.
It boils inside you and you fear it every day
That you'll wake up tomorrow.

Pasts are not easily forgotten.

Cancer dancer dreams

Jonan May 2013

Cancer dancer dreams

"I've decided that I know
Exactly what you are"

My love
My hate
My heart
My rage
My blessed morning star

You cry and flail
You cringe and run
Your feet take you so very far

Those demons painted on your dreams
Lash out
In hopes to scar

I watch you cry, your dream state dies
One breath from death afar

I whisper
"Love wait"
And smile
And hate
And give chase with you in my arms

She cries bitter tears for a past that haunts her dreams.
I sit up most nights just holding her.
Hoping I can take it all away.

Castling will not save your ranks.

Jonan Jun 2013

Castling will not save your ranks.

Chess bleeds the sins
From my mind
Into captured kings.

de'lario

Jonan Dec 2013

de'lario

"Home is where the heart is"
But it is also a cold hard ground.
Six feet under.
With you.

Demerara

Jonan May 2013

Demerara

The sweetest of sugars.
The gentlest being your lips.
Subtleties growing deep within.
Demerara, love, within your kiss.

Dream poetry

Jonan May 2013

Dream poetry

Of all the words ever concieved
The tongue of an angel can't tell
She sighs in her sleep;
Sighs in sympathy for the devil.
They wrestle and claw for the words
The right to have the name
She sighs in her sleep for the devil
The tongued angel falters this game
She won't continue the struggle
The victory she found above
Opened her sleepy eyes to me
And spoke only one syllable

Love

Eighty-eight keys

Jonan May 2013

Eighty-eight keys

Her clever fingers dance
Across crisp whites
Satin blacks
Gracing me the privilege
Of experiencing the most intimate
Of intimacies
A spry strike of a chord
This one a sublimely soft touch
This one a vicious attack
All as her fingers dance
Deftly in love with the keys
The word sacred comes to mind
As though not meant for eyes
Struck wordless in awe
She'll never love me the way she does that piano
I'm sadly fine just watching

From a dream being drafted to a story
Thoughts please?

espresso oils

Jonan Jan 2014

espresso oils

Dance on the brined surface
Porcelain mug hot to touch
Aroma tempered love rises steam

The first sip brings blessings
The second a flavor devine
The third a clarity of dream

Faith

Jonan Sep 2013

Faith

When you lose your faith in me
Please don't cry

Good job, Jonan

Jonan Sep 2013

Good job, Jonan

You let your anger bring screams from your mouth
I let my grief grow tall
You soften your blows in mercy of heart
I stand naked before you and all
I drink to see double so I'm no longer alone
Not alone with me in the mirror
You left just over a month ago
Yet I still feel you here

Grinding Teeth (10w)

Jonan Jul 2013

Grinding Teeth (10w)

No wrath to fit
A martyr's crime
Paid in blood

I caught fire(15w)

Jonan May 2013

I caught fire(15w)

I am unclothed
Struck about the head
A match meant to be burnt
For you

Insert "and" wherever you see fit

Jonan Aug 2013

Insert "and" wherever you see fit

Packed up boxes
A couple totes
Leather books
Mostly clothes
Angry memories
Tears and woes
Broken hearts
Broken homes
Leave the ring
Take a shot
Sobs of anguish
Left to rot
I ****** up
And all for naught
She packed and left
I'm all I've got

I can't keep going after this.
Sorry guys.

I saw you there(autism)

Jonan May 2013

I saw you there(autism)

And I loved you there
Lips pouted in rebellion
So many leaves to shred
So many ghosts to chase
The glass doors were closed.

And I loved you there
As you deciphered numerical impossibilities
On another plane of reality
Brow furrowed in intimate concentration
I averted my eyes from the questions you pondered.

And I loved you there
Angry fists filled with contempt towards yourself
Unable to find the words
A mirrored universe between us
And you can't get through.

And I loved you there
My incredible, awestruck son
Trapped, forever a child
Contemplating the mysteries of life
You discovered the truth of this world.

An angel's smile struck your lips
And I loved you there
As you forgot it all.

For Kohen.

It ate me

Jonan Aug 2013

It ate me

It devours
A souless hunger
Tearing away pieces of the heart
'The sadness grew"
With a monstrous belly
Feeding on the tears of this man
"Joey, I'm not happy"
"You did this"
The beast smiles and takes a bite
A feast! a feast!
A divorce at least
Have another drink and go be ******

This is a ****** write.
I just needed to ***** this out so that maybe the shock of "happily ever after" not existing may decline.
****.

Love lets love let go

Jonan Aug 2013

Love lets love let go

Now that it's all said and done
And the changes have begun
Once in love with simple me
Can't be in love twice with me
And smile and hide the hurt
Throw your heart back on your shirt
Once in love with simple me
Can't be in love twice with me

Oh the pain that he withdrew
As I wait here alone for you
Longing for when your heart would lead me
Hopefully straight right to back you

Could we
Please
Just leave
And run back to the days
Turn back to the day
It was perfect
Could we
Please
Just leave
And run back to the days
Turn back to the day
It was perfect

I'll still wait without a word
Hoping you'll fly to me, my bird
Once in love with simple me
Can't be in love twice with me
Now that it's all said and done
And the change has just begun
Once in love with simple me
Can't be in love twice with me......

A little song I sing to myself to keep me grounded while I try to cope with your indefinite absence from my life

marionette marriage

Jonan Jan 2014

marionette marriage

The stage is set and players in costume
The catastrophy unfolding in the gloom
Dancing silhouettes of daggers surrounding
The bride and groom

"mein freundinnen"

Jonan Jul 2013

"mein freundinnen"

"Ich liebe dich"
She dreams in german
Eyes flutter
Cheeks flushed
Biting her lip
"Fir iber und ewig"
She says
Smiling softly
In whatever adventure we're on
Dancing across her eyelids

If only she meant me.

my beautiful bird has gone away(10w)

Jonan Aug 2013

my beautiful bird has gone away(10w)

I dreamt that I awoke
And you were still here

nevermore weatherman (10w)

Jonan May 2013

nevermore weatherman (10w)

Raining
Clouds cry away the sins
Of the desolate city.

Of rum. Of whiskey. (15w)

Jonan Nov 2013

Of ***. Of whiskey. (15w)

I'd rather chase both with seawater
From the oceans of despair
And drown in it

On healing

Jonan Nov 2013

On healing

As though a dream parting when woken
You parted from our house and home
The mornings had become so morose
The bed was too big when alone
But the season changed as it always will
The tears beginning to fade
I slowly find myself less somber
Pain beginning to wane

Keep my feet on the ground
Keep my head in the clouds
Don't let my eyes fall away
And don't let my heart down

She said it doesn't feel a thing like falling
Moreover a flailing trip to the hospital
And smoothed over the fresh scars
Reminding me that there's hope in it all
Not in a broken heart lost inside itself
But in a memory forgiven and saved
It will soon again become whole and full
A new road to travel working to be paved

Keep my feet on the ground
Keep my head in the clouds
Don't let my eyes fall away
And don't let my heart down

open mic night. (short version)

Jonan Jun 2014

open mic night. (short version)

You've said you've never seen a painting in that light.
Guilt stricken smile and cigarette hardly putting up the fight.
Ode to the liars, sad song singers, as the wound is reopened by the knife.
We know we're both drowning so, god, quit frowning and pretend that you're okay with giving up on your life.

part seven

Jonan Aug 2013

part seven

I dreamt I awoke
I was missing something
That was never there
Folly of fate

She is fire

Jonan May 2014

She is fire

She flashes the ivory
And bats the lash.
She swears she needs me
But only when I'm nothing but ash.

She loves you back enough to put a dagger in it

Jonan Nov 2013

She loves you back enough to put a dagger in it

The healing process began
Itching scabs cover raw flesh
I let go of you finally
Your poisons no longer linger in my veins
I find it easier to breathe
Without your fumes clogging my lungs
And I'm not happy about what happened
Nor am I whole yet
But I sleep much more soundly
Without your claws in my side
The only thing I wish for is this
Take the memories away along with the last of your things.

Shit Stick and Party Favors(blackout)

Jonan Jun 2013

**** Stick and Party Favors(blackout)

Trying
Trying to form
Trying to form the thought
It hurts too badly
The toilet calls for me
Trying
Trying to find
Trying to find the shirt
I lost in my stupor
Wretching at every step
Trying
Trying to think
Trying to think of where
In the ******* I am
Who's house is this?
Trying
Trying to force
Trying to force the water
To stay inside my stomach
Every breath brings more *****
Trying
Trying very hard
Trying very hard to stand
The room spins in a terrible way
Fall to the floor alone
Trying
Trying not to
Trying not to smell
The smoke and whiskey stench
Throttling the air around me
Trying
Trying to remember
Trying to remember my steps
Bringing me to this painful juncture
Lost memory blackened out
Trying
Trying to will
Trying to will myself
Into believing this is my house
And that I need help here.

Sometimes it's just as bad waking up

Jonan May 2013

Sometimes it's just as bad waking up

the night was bleak, the sky grey
the world reached out to the end of days.
the car pulls slowly up to the gates
of the graves.
a shrouded boy, a rose in hand. fire in his eyes. lit cigarette
this quiet procession meets its final steps; at the place of the deceased
a blood stained glove his battered face
lacerations running deep from neck to waist
a final bow to an old friend
who met his end
a bloodlust burnt, saddness grew
the whole world vanished from me and you
here and in the blazing slew
burning all
he woke in the hospital bed
stitched together by the grim who said
"it's not your time to be gone and dead.
rose in hand....
lest one call to a friendly face.
lost a companion in his last haste."
he set the rose down on the cold hard grave
in a last embrace
and drowned in the life he was so hurried to waste

a dream following the death of a dear friend

Stomach acids

Jonan Jun 2013

Stomach acids

You can't hide those lies behind your eyelids
Shutting them tight so you won't see the world where we live
Trusting yourself to let it loose
Between the work, the love, the life, and the self-abusiveness
Throw up those waking nightmares
As I'm the taste of bile that will always reside there
Just go ahead and face it
Those lies behind your eyes give me no form of entertainment

Sometimes it seems like you aren't even trying
Pain pills down you throat leaves you no room to fly in
Desperation makes you angry
You don't know when your dreams will set you free
This time you're going to go a little too far
From the devils your run from to the drunken dents in your car
But shut those lying eyes
So you'll never see the story end with the way that you die

Carve my charm into your arms.

Tacks and glass(10w)

Jonan Nov 2013

Tacks and glass(10w)

Chew slowly so when you swallow...
You swallow your pride.

That note I can't hold(10w)

Jonan Jan 2014

That note I can't hold(10w)

Two birds caged in the same room
Singing sad songs.

The blood makes the blade holy

Jonan Jul 2013

The blood makes the blade holy

Looking for the words to describe
How I see your flawed existence
Broken haphazardly spiraling into the distance
"Do you know what your sin is?" She asked
Angry
Bitter
Vindictive

Cancerous
That's a good word
No sin of mine but the combined sin
Of my own and myself
Yes
Cancerous works
"No I don't know what sin is."
The most perfect reply
Seething in my word play

The word burning through my lips
Fanged verbiage no longer held at bay

"****"

Not really a poem.
My train of thought during a conversation with a cheating fiancee

The lie is in the eyes

Jonan May 2013

The lie is in the eyes

Different colored eyes
Each seeing life the same
Take in each moment in time
And paint it in blue or green
The shades of grey and red
Of violets of black
Every textured agreement
Any visible demise
All taken into account
By my differently colored eyes

My left eye only sees spite.
My right closes itself so as to not see reality.

Things I really should be saying to you.

Jonan Sep 2013

Things I really should be saying to you.

A scenario of impossibilities
Another unverse laid over
I realised I was dreaming at once
The moment you pressed your lips to mine
Open my eyes and shudder
Blink away the tears of sleep
Roll over and check the human condition
****** electronic doom device
Your missed calls and messages
Dread creeping into my chest
You're playing me again with your game
You missed me only today
First cheerful morning in over a month
Now the hole grows larger

I despise that I still am in love with you

Not at all a poem. Just need the thought of you out
of my head

two weeks(15w)

Jonan Aug 2013

two weeks(15w)

And then you came back
To sleep in our bed
But I can't forgive myself

ulcers

Jonan Jan 2014

ulcers

I had a good day. I swear it.
Nice weather. Good company.
But you...
Bleeding stress hole in the lining of my stomach.
No. You won't let me have anything.
Won't let me have anything other than blood.
Gift wrapped in *****.

******* **** I hate you.

Untitled

Jonan May 2013

Untitled

I meant to write you this
A poem for a friend
But seeing as you died today
This too comes to an end

You selfish ******* ****.
My best friend.
I'd ******* **** you myself if you hadn't beaten me to it.

Untitled contradictions

Jonan Jan 2014

Untitled contradictions

I'm standing in the way
Finding words to say to you as you're walking through
And pretending that I was never even there
They catch it in the air
The sunrays and your hair have the time to dance and shine
Adding more weight to your angry glare
And I'm thinking it's a sign
How your hand fits so perfectly laced and intertwined when
I hold it inside of mine
There's something in the way
You alleviate the pain and make the sadness wane
You, a fire
And me, the ice.