I never meant to look like a ***** floor

I bend the laws of physics when I ask mirrors to change my own reflection

Have this ugly soul

pushin’ all my ugly buttons

Doubled  back on my last straw so many times

I’m pullin’ splintered strands of yellow

From my backstab wounds

Got prickly bits of blonde  

Sticking out from the places I missed

They healed there

Got shards of my own teeth in my tongue

Puncture holes in my lungs

Makes it hard to breathe sometimes

‘cause I am still healing

Don’t call me good

Or handsome

Or patient

I do everything I can to sabotage the love you give

Not that I don’t want it

I am just not ready

One time you told me I should love as often as I breathe

So I starting breathing as often as I love

And I almost die in the intervals between our phone calls

Grace is you lightening the pressure on my drowning head

Patience is me staying under when you do

God is a child with a finger pointed at my heart and laughing

And you are an angel when you turn out the bathroom light

So that I stop hating my own reflection

Remind me that we are defined by more than the choices we make

That I might still have all the scars from the cancer

And the fistfights

And that one time I tried to end it all too early

But this heart beats more than just a war drum

It beats a ******* army

Can hear it like giant rumble footsteps

Can hear it finally change directions

Away from all the chaos

Shattering mirrors below my heart feet

So much glass glittering

Looks like a river

Too many pieces to reflect anything but the sky

Reminds me

I am not done healing

Trash bags climbing

Curbsides like vapid spiders

To me now

Everything is a ghost

Helpless to the current of the wind

I watch the bag collapse like an exhausted lung

And fill with the next breeze

There has never been a day where I don’t

stand like a windmill with my mouth open

Praying that I will finally get to catch my breath

I’ve stopped eating so that I might stretch myself so thin

The wind will take me like a kite

And

If I land in a tree

Please

leave me there

The leaves smell so sweet

They rustle in my ears the song

Of tiny feet scattering

In all the right directions

Can feel them tickle down my spine

Like an epiphany shiver

I got this itch to move

And I’m begin’ god for Dorothy’s tornado

To come and take me away

‘cause these legs walk me into all the wrong places

I want to be helpless to something more powerful than myself

Say

“I’m sorry I ****** things up

But this tornado

it planted me here in your lap”

Show you how it’s not my fault I’m not perfect

Nobody is

Doesn’t feel right though

The fire that made my heart

And the ocean that salted my tears

The wind that’s beggin’ to whisk me away from here

Is telling me otherwise

I think

Helium

Think

Feather

Think

Kite

Think

empty trash bag on the curb collapsing like a dying jellyfish

After a day of unfamiliar faces

His eyes are glad to finally settle on mine

As we walk though the mall

He keeps his head down

   Tells me he is afraid to look at people

How they might see what he is thinking

   Spelled out on his face

He always looks cold

     always looks tired

    walks like he is trying to remember that life is as simple as

Placing one foot in front of the other

With his head down

I know he counts his steps

He can only count to 100

Between this morning and now

I don’t know how many times he has counted to that

When I ask him why he doesn’t count higher

     He tells me

I’ll just lose track

And I just wanna tell him

You got a heart bigger than the best of us

So pure you got water coursin’ through your veins

So golden you shine like the sun

And it’s a suckerpunch to my gut

  To see you bow down to gravity

‘Cause if there was anyone

   And I mean anyone

Who could stare you in the face

And not see the light

  Then ****’em kid

There are days where I pray

The world could be as simple as you

Days where I pray that you might fight gravity

  As simply as

Placing one foot in front of the other

To slowly rise on steps of air

  Counting them as you do

And know it’s okay if you don’t come back

   ‘cause

There’s nothing wrong with going home

Every thought I have is you

Even when I finally managed to stop involuntarily whispering your name,

On cold mornings

I see it on my breath

Like Carrol’s caterpillar

Askin’

Who

Are you?

That’s the problem

I already know who you are

Now I am tryin’ to forget

But I can’t

I made some promises that I need to keep

For instance

I said I would never let them bury you

And we somehow managed to find our way into burning buildings

I told you how I keep my heart in my throat to trap the air in my chest

So that I would stop gasping in your presence

I inhale smoke sometimes

And I cried

When they brought me your blackened breastplate

Heart still beating a fire

Looked like the sun

There’s a universe in you

And now it’s in me too

Gives off this light that is almost blinding

So that when I rub my eyes

The iridescent reflection of them on the back of my lids

Is the same color as yours

Same color as gasoline on pavement

Makes me wanna set this world on fire

Only way to stop seeing you everywhere

Like the ****** Mary

I saw you in my oatmeal

Heard you in a wind chime

Whisperin’ like the wind

Beggin me to consider life like a skipped heartbeat

You ****** me when you left

Forgot me like a puzzle

Soda stained on a coffee table

I got black holes in my universe

And now every thought I have is you

You are in every word I speak

In every sound I hear

Even my breath

spells your name

Just in case you didn’t know

You are perfect

You are a freak of nature

A happy accident

So fragile

Like some old century vase on a pedestal being thrown across a room

You

Have a voice

A voice that when you speak all I wanna do is stay

You put me in awkward situations

Like how sometimes we sit close and I just wanna put my arm around you

No reason

I just get this urge to do it

How I sometimes just want to tell you how lonely hallways feel,

And how empty the ballrooms are

Why don’t they have those anymore?

‘cause I’d dance with you

Hold you in my arms nothing short of forever

You

are perfect

Because you have eyes

Eyes that see better than most of the blind things
And feet that help you move, but never take you far

When we walk away from each other it always feels like slow motion

And there is strange music in the background that makes me feel like the Beast

I stay up nights just waiting for you

You are perfect

Like shallow breathes of air

After almost drowning

Reminds me life is short

Can you hear it?

That music?

Must be getting ready to leave me again

Just know

before you go

You are perfect

Perfect like

Hands

And old people

Perfect like awkward situations

Like those silly sad reminders that life is short

Just

Perfect

You can’t leave without getting what you came here for

I know it’s hard

Finding meaning in life is about as cliché as a needle in a haystack

Just achin’ to fill in the empty spots

With anything you can get your hands on

Got some gaps festering

Afraid to unplug and let the hurt bleed out

Cuz at least you know your holes are full

But life

It punches us toothless

Won’t let us sleep at night

With the ache of mystery

You want a purpose

Hold tight and live

Just live

Like plants and housecats

Someone once told me that there’s a forest of redwoods out there

So big with roots so tightly woven you can’t tell where one tree begins and another ends

You got roots planted in my heart

Each step you take is a purpose

I can feel you even when you aren’t close

So don’t leave me

Not yet

We got too much fire fueling engines in our feet

Just walk with me

I’ll find you a purpose

There are haystacks everywhere

And a heartful of needles buried beneath

Just don’t leave

before you get

Whatever it is that you need

I’m sorry

I know there are days where I burn at both ends

And not even your cool waters can subdue these flames

I

Regret every word that’s burned past these lips

I didn’t mean to take you for granted

I swear

I didn’t mean to point out your stretch marks and laugh lines

I didn’t mean to forget your birthday  

I

just lose myself sometimes

Like

Last night when I laid in the darkness of our bedroom

And stretched out to feel how cold the other side of the bed was

And I

could hear your voice keeping me awake like white noise whispering
from some other room

And I just can’t seem to turn it off

I know that this is broken and left for dead

Forgotten in a box in an attic in some house

somewhere

Nostalgia’s never seemed so bitter

Because sometimes I smell you

And my heart breaks a million times a day

I got a box of red confetti here

Barely beats

Buckles my knees when it does

Beats me breathless

Holds me under

Keeps me back

Makes me wonder

Where everything turned sour like milk

Mighta seen your face on the side of that milk carton

I’d’ve known

I should’ve let you go

But I couldn’t

Not so soon

If I had my way it’d been never

Now all I got is this sound

White noise coming from some other room

Sounds like laughter sometimes

Sounds like music

Sounds like my heart shatter confetti burst

Feels like crawling skin

The lightest touch that almost tickles

Press harder if you could

I can almost feel you

Sounds like a match being lit

Lettin’ me burn at both ends