Everything seemed perfect, it just all fit into place. That is, until the day it slowly blew up in my face. I should have know much better, seen it coming from afar, but we never truly understand how blinded that we are by hope and need and every void we just can't seem to fill. However much you feed them, they just get hungrier still. I'd like to think I've finally learned this lesson once again, but I'm sure that I will probably be back here now and then.
"The less emotional work that you can farm out to things outside of yourself, the less likely they are to be interfered with by things that you cannot control." - Taliesin Jaffe
Stray tangents weaving in and out of conscious comprehension. Far too many data points demanding my attention. Overloaded, overwhelmed and over everything. Whatever sense I may have left hangs by a fraying string.
tu da ve za sivi va du vi za vada zo veda ga va caduza nevaga za du vo badeva bada debu yana ba va gada ze remana ga redava mada ga de bada ve
Written as an experiment in separating sound from meaning. Like instrumental music, all that matters is the sound of the syllables, but like the interpretation of a conventional poem, the exact sound of each syllable is up to the reader.
This may not be all that, but it just might be ok. The right words are hard to find, but I'll still write anyway. From one line to the next, pushing forward bit by bit, without much else to say so I guess that this is it.
I've been in a bit of a slump for the past couple of weeks so I decided to write about it and it led to the first piece that I've been able to finish in that time. Fortunately, I like how it turned out.
Stay under the radar and always out of sight. If you don't get noticed, then you just might be alright. Leave nothing unexamined, don't be taken by surprise and never let the world see what hides under your disguise.
I could do the "right" thing and finally cave or just continue to dig my own grave. An easy decision, or so it should be, and maybe it will be eventually, but right now there's simply far too much at stake and I'm probably making a fatal mistake, but better to stick with the devil you know than to take any risks and potentially grow.
Stand tall, but not too proud. Speak up, but not too loud. Don't be afraid to be yourself, but only when allowed. Don't be an inconvenience and stay out of the way, but when it's deemed appropriate, say what you have to say.
Meandering, pointless beyond recognition, oblivious to the cause of this condition. Inspiration once near is now slipping away. Without passion to cling to, no spark lights the way. Relentless, intimidating uncertainty eliminates the trace of possibility. Idealistically idle, unable to move. Far too much left to learn, but still more left to prove.
Almost there, but not quite yet. A given I'm not sure I'll get. Sense and reason say take it slow, but impatience has begun to grow. Hour by hour the minutes creep, while I wonder if I'm in too deep. Within my grasp, but still out of reach. Another day stalled in the breach.
A calculated reflex in case of emergency. Just a way to stack the decks so nobody else can see the weakness hidden just below the surface of my shell, behind the curtain of the show I can't bring myself to tell.
The higher I climb, the deeper I fall. Doing whatever I can just to stall the inevitable realization that I'm lost behind some imaginary line that I've crossed. No rescue in sight, no plan of attack. Hoping against hope that I'll find my way back. Biding and wasting my time until then and wondering how this could have happened again.
Its withered, folded pages tell the story of a story that's been told a thousand times. Yet each time, with every new detail discovered, every character nuance now understood, the story is reborn and the old pages, once faded and worn, come alive, anew, to tell their story once more as if never before.
Exceeding capacity, ready to break. Exaggerated desire my only mistake. Overwhelmed by sensation, my self-control lost. Overzealous consumption; now counting the cost. In time this discomfort will all fade away, instigating another ravenous display. Until then I'll ponder this wanton concern. Unfortunately, I'll probably still never learn.
Just a few simple words carefully arranged. Set in stone for now, but inevitably changed. A pointless explanation of personal insight, a vain attempt to justify what I already know is right. Embellishing the commonplace until it seems sublime, or could it be nothing more than just a dreadful waste of time.
It isn't quite ideal, this living in reverse. In fact it's quite surreal and just a bit perverse. Rotating counter-clockwise, never quite catching the sun. By the time the day is over, it's only just begun.
Caffeinated conversation, hyperbolic tales of woe. With plaintive resignation: "there's just nowhere else to go". Dollar after hour spent on grease and grand designs, wondering where the time went and reading too much between the lines.
Little by little, a piece at a time. Chipping away at what used to be mine. Insidious impulse masquerading as need. Lie, cheat, and steal its only purpose, to feed. Laying waste to my health, and twisting my mind. While, all the while, it renders me blind. Calming my demons, or so it makes me believe. Yet giving me all the more reason to grieve.
Stumbling against the will of probability in the infinite, indefinite, unyielding wait and see. Wagering the future on a lapse of sanity. Despite advice, still thinking twice, I brace for what will be.
Soft lips and gentle fingertips. Slowly, inhibition slips away. With nothing left to say. Nothing standing in the way. We touch. At first, it seems too much. Never before have I felt such a thrill. As if time is standing still, not letting another moment pass until the desire we share is, at last, unrestrained, a primal exhibition of passion unchained. Bodies entwined, a frenzied display. Everything else just melts away.
It's simply just a chemical reaction, nothing more. Developed as an unavoidable means to ensure the survival of the species, a genetic safety net. Filled with hope and promise, but it just leads to regret.
A co-dependent waste of time romanticized in vain, quenching your emotions as it drives you quite insane. Soft, enticing agony, a velvet shrouded fist. Malignant smoke and mirrors, but still maybe worth the risk.
What if only there could be a way to know what lies ahead. What if only I knew how to say the things I've left unsaid. What if only this was meant to be and fate was on my side. What if only it was clear to see there's no reason to hide.
Digging out from under everything that I've become, trying hard to separate the pieces from the sum. A difficult solution, but one long since overdue. I just hope I don't collapse before I can break through.
Thrown over the cliff by a billion what ifs, because I simply couldn't be sure. A shadow of doubt was still lurking about and had rendered me too insecure. Grasping for certainty, scared of what could be. I'm rapidly turning obsessed. I just need to know how it's going to go. Maybe then I'll be able to rest.
Just a little bit more is all that I need to satisfy these demons so desperate to feed on the few remaining pieces of my peace of mind and then maybe I might be able to find a more permanent solution to the problems I face and all of those scars that time can't quite erase, but until that happens I'll just have to endure and try to make do with just a little bit more.
You may not believe it now, but in time you'll feel the sting of all of the contempt that familiarity can bring. Once civility erodes, predictability gives way to recycled, stifled conflicts left with little more to say.
Old habits die slowly, never resting in peace, Clinging to the familiar, but all things must cease. Wraiths of the past come to take what was theirs. Time claims to heal all, yet too slowly repairs all the wounds that say more than we could ever tell, but the scars that still plague us define us as well. All the fragments of flashbacks and steps to retrace are just pieces of puzzles to fit into place.
The trial's begun, with a jury of one, and I know what I've done so now the truth will come out, but while I've done my due diligence, I just can't find the evidence to assert my own innocence beyond unreasonable doubt.
Why do we keep doing this when it always ends the same, with little more than spite, regret and a shifting sense of blame? We must find something better than this misplaced courtesy, but we'll likely just continue for the sake of what could be.
Fumbling in darkness and waiting for the light. Hoping against hope that everything will be alright. Clinging onto anything that helps you make it through, contented in the knowledge that there's nothing you can do.
Unstable indignation leveraging ignorant desperation and exploiting separation, while you breed uncertainty. No sense or sympathy can dent your childish entitlement, as if an unpaid settlement is all you ever see.
I'm out of desperate measures and it's only just begun. Off to a running start, but now there's nowhere left to run. I need to catch my breath, but that's a risk I just can't take. There's so much ground to cover and still far too much at stake.
A peculiar somnambulation, inspired by a dream, just a fight of imagination ... insane as it may seem. Creating nothing but allusions, albeit with the best intent. Leading to all the wrong conclusions and a great deal of embarrassment.
Caught completely unaware, I never thought that I should care or in any way prepare for the possibility that what seemed an apparition was just pattern recognition and an overdue admission that I'm not where I should be.
But then again, it's hard to tell. It might, but maybe not. Oh well. I think it could be ... tough to say. Just too many shades of gray and far too much uncertainty in any possibility that I just don't know what to do. I think I'll have to think it through.
Distancing myself from everything I ever knew, far away from borrowed dreams and stolen points of view. Perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop while hoping that just maybe I've gone far too far to stop.
Scratching at the bottom of the barrel just to find any scraps that I can forage to maintain my peace of mind. Eliminating anything that’s not a basic need As my assets liquefy with such depressing speed. Just to make it through today is all that I can ask, but I doubt my bank account is equal to the task. Struggling to hold the line until my ship comes in as the waterline keeps rising and the air is getting thin.
A trick of light to bright to see what’s standing right in front of me. No time to spare or care at all. Too unaware, I try to stall, but it’s too late my fate is sealed. It can not wait, it will not yield. The time is here. It’s clear that I must persevere or say goodbye.
Beware the unexpected, waiting and unsuspected. The hidden traps within the gaps that cannot be detected. The more you think you know the less that you’re able to see. Assumptions lie and life defies predictability.
I just don’t know what’s going on. It once was there, but now it’s gone. It couldn’t have just disappeared. This seems to be just as I feared. My faculties have slipped away, I knew it would turn out this way. How can I keep what I’ve still got? What was I saying? I forgot.
Your time is up it seems you just don’t fit into the plan I’m pulling out the plug, the rug. Whatever else I can. It’s taken me too long to see just what you really are and I’m not giving you the chance to leave another scar.
You fooled me for a while, but it won’t work anymore and your incessant lies have become too much to ignore. I’ve had all that I can take so let me make this very clear. It’s time for you to leave, you are no longer wanted here.