Society fears
Us looking in mirrors
And liking what we see
Posting 'selfies' online
Is a narcissistic crime
Because we're not allowed to be
Proud of how we look
'Cause in society's book
Insecurity plus jealousy equals pay
And when we cry
We're likely to buy
And the world wants us that way

i swore to myself
that a flick of the tongue
would never shelter self-hatred
so deeply embedded into the patchwork of my being.

contagion is a sad **** thing
and cycles seem to be an endlessly contributing factor
those who hurt cannot become hurt
and so we place our self-pity at the top of our priorities
disregarding emotion so carefully hidden in the fragile mind of others.
however there are few who's torment is only self-projected

i am one
an anathema that exists in silence

my past has been placed in a box full of secrets
along with the evidence of my self-mutilation
is there a way to keep my eyes shut and my dignity revealed?
this world is numb, and the apathy must be getting to me
because i would rather not feel a **** thing
than to be plagued by misery
from myself and the ones i love
however, emotions are not choices
and humans cannot be reprogrammed

it seems the pleas and slurs i leave in place of words
are what my familiars take to heart
bodies speak such complex languages
and not everyone has the patience
or the attentiveness
to listen to anything other than a cry

and although i warn
and beg for warmth
i receive only glaciers
and memories of faces
overwritten with impassivity
what i would give
to reach into the darkest parts of my soul
and rip out this sorrow
that has clung itself to the shadows of my psyche

in the depths of my worst memories
there is a wish
a want
a need
to take this heart of mine
and throw it to wolves
to be destroyed but desensitized
in my heart
is all my pity
my lust
my anger
my sadness
and sunshine darkened and gutted
so very long ago

And
I feel like an onion. Layer after layer all
gone with nothing to say,
nothing but skin.

They're kissing and holding hands and
I think I'm going to be sick.

and,
I've come to realize that almost every poem
carries a cigarette, and that I'm burning away.

and,
I've spent years dying to die
aching for you to return my calls.

and,
I've spent $5 a week,
replacing your breathes
and promised pain.

They're whispering and telling each other how much they are in love and
he holds her close.

and,
now all I have is the hope that this rain will wash away our memories.

The smile on her face
Has been replaced with a frown
The cheeriness in her eyes
Has been replaced with emptiness
The laughter in her voice
Has been filled with sorrow
The blush on her cheeks
Has been stained with tears
The old scars on her skin
Have been renewed with a blade
The recovery she was so proud of
Has been taken away

it's cool summer nights like these
where I roll down the windows
to watch the world pass while
our song plays quiet through the speakers
and, just for a second, with eyes half closed
I can feel your hand in mine
sweet memory of touch
before I refocus and find a car that's empty
and space between my fingers
an ache in my chest and a cold right shoulder

1:58 am

the day has been over for hours for some people
but for you, it's just getting your mind started

where is he?
the boy who makes your heart race
who holds you close at your worse
who kisses your rosy cheeks
who leaves marks on your neck with black and blue

he's simply sleeping
maybe even dreaming of you
and when he wakes up,
he can think through of the dream of you two kissing and laughing at anything

but for you?

you can live in the reality you have with him now
not just through dreams, but from the thoughts

one day, we can own a home
be lazy, lay in bed, talk about books, or cuddle around with each other

but for now, all we are, are dreams and thoughts of our future

that's enough for me sweetheart