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Oct 2018 · 282
Cold Rain
Jiawen 张 Oct 2018
Walking up the hill
To my destiny.
Rain falling on my body
To my soul.
Will any human share
Its umbrella with me?
Will any car stop
To offer me a ride?
Patiently Waiting,
While keeping moving on
All by myself.
Only my body will become
Stronger than ever before.
Patiently Waiting,
While keeping moving on
All by myself.
Only my mind will become
Stronger than ever before.
Cold rain
Falling on my warm body.
I'm melting the ice
Inside of your souls.
To the day, I walked back home from university in the heavy rain, and nobody bothered to stop and help.
Apr 2018 · 827
Red Inside
Jiawen 张 Apr 2018
We, the humans.
Born like pieces of plain paper.
To live is to paint.
Every single step adds different colors.
The Black.
Rich like the soil on the earth.
The beauty of colourful cultures.
The White.
Clean like the snow in the winter.
The beauty of pure winter wonderland.
The Latinos.
Sweet like the chocolate in your mouth.
The beauty of black and white.
The Asians.
Deep like the book in your hands.
The beauty of ancient wisdom.
The Natives.
Pure like the earth under your feet.
The beauty of nature as it is.
If white is added to cover all colors,
Everything will be white washed.
If there is only white in this world,
There will be no other colors on the earth.
We, the humans.
We are one species on the earth.
We all bleed.
Red inside.
From a colored female
Mar 2018 · 1.6k
Mother, It Is Not Just Grief
Jiawen 张 Mar 2018
You’ve been working so hard
To provide more than what we need now
For what we will need in the future.
Because we used to have nothing.

You’ve been planning so thoughtfully
For the next 20 years,
But you’ve never lived in the current.

You’ve been ignoring what you feel now
And saving your happiness for later.
But you’ve never stopped worrying about the future.

Now he is gone forever for both of us.
You lost your happiness,
Which had never happened.

But I lost my happiness,
Which had been making me feel alive.
It is not just grief of his death.

Now father is gone forever for me.
It is the emptiness in my heart
Constantly consuming me.

When I am nervous on the stage,
Who else will always applaud for me again?
Who else will always love my performance again?

I know you don’t care what I care,
And you only approve what you care.
But can you just look at who I am for one time?

I wish you can live more in the current
And worry less about the future.
Because I treasure every single second in my life,
When you are still with me.
Live in the current.
You never know what will happen next.
Jiawen 张 Dec 2017
Admit that I myself
Still am that insecure girl who is shy inside.
Then I will push myself harder than everyone else
To be independent and strong.
Admit that my parents
Will forever be kids finding the right way to love.
Then my heart can feel that
They really love each other and their kid.
Admit that my peers
Will forever be students finding the right way to live,
Just like how I am still growing up.
Then my eyes can see all of their unique souls.
Admit that it’s very possible that
My biological family members will forever be racists.
Then I will have the freedom to create my own family
Which is different from them.
Admit that it’s very possible that
Most Chinese will forever think I am fat and ****.
Then my brain can believe that
People of other races do like my body and face.
Admit that it’s very possible that
I will forever be afraid of most Asians inside
Because I have been bullied since I was a kid.
Then I will appreciate how much I still love them.
Admit how much I am wrong,
No matter how much I want to say that I am right.
Then I will have some room for myself to learn more
And a chance for strangers to know me more.

Admit how much I hate it,
No matter how much I love it.
Then I will have the eyes
To see how deeply I love it.

Admit how much I love it,
No matter how much I hate it.
Then I will have the heart
To feel how deeply I love it.
You have to admit you are not perfect.
Nov 2017 · 1.4k
I Choose, and I Love
Jiawen 张 Nov 2017
I didn’t choose to be born in this world,
But I was born this way.
It’s my right to be myself.
It’s my right to choose.
I choose the culture I love.
I choose the society I love.
I choose the friends I love.
I choose the family I love.
I choose to start the new life I love.
I choose to learn the knowledge I love.
I choose to study hard for my dreams.
I choose to work hard for people I want to help.
I choose the life style I want.
I choose the hair style I want.
So I wear pink because I love,
Not because I am a female.
I choose what I love.
I love what I choose.
This is my life.
I was born this way.
Nov 2017 · 1.5k
Changes Start With Goodbyes
Jiawen 张 Nov 2017
I have never changed,
Even though it seems like that
I have been changing constantly.
But it’s only because I have to leave
Everything holding me back.
I said goodbye to the society,
Which takes away my dreams.
I said goodbye to the society,
Which tells me that I am wrong most of the time.
My soul has been away from my physical body
Since I was a little kid.
My physical body left my family
When I was 16 years old.
I thought I took my soul with me,
But actually,
My soul has been traveling around the world
Without me.
I said goodbye to my peers,
Who are too childish and selfish.
I said goodbye to ignorant people,
Who are lazy and close-minded.
Now I have a strong network of
Kind, Helpful, Open-Minded, Hardworking,
And Smart people.
Who Inspire, Care, and Act.
They teach and remind me to love myself,
And they love and support me.
I am still alive
Not only because I have never given up,
But also because of everyone I have met in my life.
People who love and support me.
People who hate and destroy me.
I am thankful for having all of you in my life.
Because of all the contradictions and differences,
I know who I am and what I want.
Because of all of you,
I have the courage to say goodbye to
Everything holding me back.
A poem to myself and First Unitarian Universalist  Church of Indiana, PA.
Oct 2017 · 1.1k
American Speed
Jiawen 张 Oct 2017
An international wire transfer was made last Monday.
2,000 dollars were sent to China from America.
I expected the money would arrive in China in 2 days.
Like, how it takes 2 days for my yearly 35,000-dollar tuition
To be sent from China to America.
I continued my week as usual.
I went to Aldi, a German company,
To get some groceries.
It was fast and cheap with good-quality products.
I went to Walmart, an American company,
To get more groceries.
I waited in line for 30 minuets.
It was slow and cheap with known-brand products.
That international wire transfer made last Monday,
Still wasn’t received on next Monday.
It went through an intermediate American bank,
Because my bank itself doesn’t do international transactions.
My money is still on its way to China from America.
Jiawen 张 Oct 2017
He is an exponential function.
Small rate of change at the beginning,
But he grows fast when he reaches a certain age.
I am a function of a straight line.
A big constant ***** since the beginning,
But I also have a y-intercept way bigger than zero.
Let our age be the inputs,
And our maturity be the outputs.
At year zero,
We didn’t know each other.
We didn’t know we would cross each other one day.
We have been working so hard.
We have been living in different countries.
We were like two parallel lines,
Which would never meet each other.
But at year 20 for me,
And at year 30 for him,
We finally crossed each other,
And we were smart enough to find our intersection.
We are still growing into different directions,
Because that probably will be our only intersection.
But we only need that one intersection,
Because we are all independent now.
We don’t need other people to input data anymore.
Sep 2017 · 1.7k
No Longer a Stereotype
Jiawen 张 Sep 2017
I cut my hair short.
I got more peace inside.
No makeup on my face,
No fake confidence in my heart.
I am no longer that little girl,
Who would ask a boy
"You like my hair long or short?"
I am no longer that little girl,
who acts accordingly to please a boy.
I cut my hair because it’s my hair.
I am just who I am.
The less I own,
The less I can hide.
The more I throw away,
The more I can have.
To stop acting like a wanted girl,
To have more time in my life,
To gain more peace in my heart,
I cut my hair short like a male.
I am a woman who I love.
Jiawen 张 Sep 2017
Father and mother,
I love you.
This is how I remember
the spelling of FAMILY.
Father and mother,
I had been trying my best
To love you both equally,
And to lie to myself about everything
Till the moment he disappeared suddenly.

Father and mother,
I had been locked in a box
With my body folded.
No room to spread my wings to fly
Till the moment he flew away.

But it wasn’t just me.
We all had been locked in that box
With our bodies against each other’s.
Hurt and numbed
Till the moment he passed away.

Mother and I,
We’ve loved him in pain.
We’re loving him in tears.
We’ll love him in smiles.

He set himself free,
He set all of us free.
I’m still young enough to learn to fly.
Mother has forgotten.
But she will only forget
Till the moment I can fly high.

I will come back down,
To teach her fly high.
I will put her on my back,
To let her rest in the sky.
I will put her under my wings,
To protect her from the rain.

Father and mother,
I love you.
Equally and differently
Till one day we are together again.
My first real poem.
Sep 2017 · 538
Funny little things
Jiawen 张 Sep 2017
Walking back home,
Like a walking dead.

Thought I took DayQuil,
But it feels like NyQuil.

Wanna cuddle with a dog,
But all I have is a cat.

All the contradictions in life
Become the reasons to laugh.
Sep 2017 · 558
Sickened Sickness
Jiawen 张 Sep 2017
When I was a kid,
All I saw was the care and attention
My cousin was getting.
I wished I was always sick like her.
A crying baby needed others' help.

Now I am an adult,
All I want is to be healthy and independent.
I can't afford to be sick.
I need the energy to wake up everyday.
A strong woman can take care of others.

— The End —