Where did all the sunshine go?
Did you take it with you
When you went away?
Ironically enough,
We've had the nicest weather
Since you've been gone.

But my head has been filled with clouds
And my heart with thunder.
Raindrops fall from my eyes
Caressing my cheeks romantically.

He has brought the sunshine back
To my body
Little by little
Specks have penetrated through
My empty emotions.

However,
He is unaware of the secret life I lead.
Would he still care
If he knew the abuses I inflict upon myself
From time to time?
He would leave
Just as everyone else thus far has.

My sense of reality has blackened
Death is so sudden
And all I can think of when I start to care
About anyone at all is
"They might not be here tomorrow
So what's the point in getting attached?"
But I also value my life
A little more every day.

Yet still, I am depressed
Not okay, freaked out
All of the above.
Where did all the sunshine go?
Angel, you took it with you
That's why heaven is so bright.

A coping technique
So broad and misunderstood
Is selective memory.
When I see you
I breathe
And try to disconnect myself
From feelings that occur
When I think about what happened.
Then I begin to believe
That none of it is true.
You never assaulted me
We don't have history
I am fine.
My trembling hands become steady
My racing heart softens itself
And becomes a cushion.
I really am okay.
Then, you even have the gaul to talk to me
"Hi Sarah."
All I can do is stutter and spit out is
"Hi."
After all,
I am all smiles from here on out.

You are the gun to my head
The water underneath my feet
The chill in my bones
The part of my mind that wanders
To deep and desolate ruins
That scare the **** out of me.
You have used me
Trashed me
Destroyed me.
I call myself compassionate
And yet
Sometimes, I wish you would hurt too.

Do you see them?
The puzzle pieces of my life
Scattered on the ground
Sharp enough to break the shallow skin
Of a heart destroyed.

Why am I so broken?
The worst part is feeling helpless
Like matter what I do
Destruction seems to follow.

Am I out of my mind?
My old friends have all dissipated
Like fog in the evening.

Did they forget me?
My mind and body are faltering.

Is it too late to pretend this isn't real?

Why does it make me
So ******* angry
That you died so soon?
You were not supposed to leave
But you didn't suffer
So why do I worry?
Why do I cry and scream
Even when I think I'm happy?

----

You can burn in Hell
For what you did to me
Your mere presence makes me ill
And the fact that I am keeping your secret
Is more than devastating.
But I'm not keeping it for you

You **** me off
Because you are alive
But you don't scare me
So why do I cry and scream
Even when I think I'm happy?

------

I'll never tell, darling
Because that's what you want
Is for it to destroy me
But its doing that anyway.
So which is worse, baby?

I'll never tell, honey
That the loss of your life
Is eating my heart away
So which is worse, sweetie?

Anger or sadness
Which is worse?

My thoughts encircle my head
An angry loop
A skipping CD
A song stuck on repeat

Vicious spiders
Eat my brain from the inside out
They grow in there
And they expose
My fears, my sadness, my doubts

My body screams for relief
It causes me not to sleep
Because if I do
There is a good chance
I will wake up
And everything will be an unfinished mess
My life is already in shambles.

My emotions
May as well be a noose
Entangling thoughts
Creating feelings
That eventually lead to actions
Soon enough
They all die too.

My thoughts encircle my head
An angry loop
A skipping CD
A song stuck on repeat

Song stuck on repeat
Stuck on repeat
On repeat
Repeat
Epeat
Peat
Eat
At
T