Point the barrel of your gun
Directly at my head.
I can feel the metal
Still hot from your last victim
I know you mean business
So why don't I get scared?
I just want this to be over.
But no,
That would be too easy for you
You want to watch me continue
To suffer and pine for the old me.
You don't **** me
As that would ruin your fun.
You simply torture me
With the option of death.
But is it a threat or a temptation?
Who am I kidding?
You would never let me die
As if you did
You could not admire what you have destroyed.

Why didn't you tell someone sooner?*
They ask
As judgement bleeds from their eyes
And suspicion seeps through their pores.
I shrug
Admit I have absolutely no proof
And continue to look like a fool
To everyone in the room.
A dream sequence this may be
But it's not like it hasn't happened before
And won't happen again.
There's no point in explaining
Reliving that nightmare
Or becoming the victim
When he will get away with it anyway.
I already know how this story ends
And therefore
My lips remain sealed.

I love you
And I hope you've found your
Home.

"You'll regret it after it happens"
They always say
"Once you break up,
"You'll wish you had waited."*
So why don't I regret a thing?
The loss of such a sensual part of my being
My body's innocence
Shouldn't I be more upset
That I simply gave it to you?
I didn't make you work for it.
Shouldn't it make me go crazy?
Or maybe
I was just that crazy from the start.
Maybe,
I was never really innocent
At all.

I've been wandering
On my own again.
I've been following this lonely road
Hoping to find home again

Where did all the people go?
The ones I knew and loved
Dissipated like doves
Perturbed by a bitter sequence
Of insanity in the air
That came in
And hit them like a hurricane

The ones who remain
Are few and far between
None of whom are perfect
But they are here

They may not always have my back
But I seldom have anyone else's.
I know better than to expect people
To look out for me
It has become a lost cause.

I don't need
Any knight in shining armor
Any superman
As I will only be his kryptonite.

I'm not a damsel in distress
No Louis Lane
No Cinderella
Not today.
No,
Today I am my own hero
And  I am all I need to survive.

Don't take things so personally
Don't harm yourself over nothing
Stop thinking
And remember to breathe
My brain rattles off a list of
Therapy terms in times like these

I'm going crazy
For the sake of saving face.
I've never been more insane
I just need to survive, day by day.

But how am I expected to forget you so easily?
He was a beautiful human being
One of the only ones I knew.
Why do the wonderful ones
Have to die first
Or suddenly?

How I am I expected to forget him so easily?
Everything he did to me
Seeing him everyday
Feeling the fear travel up my spine
Into my neck until my head cannot bear it.

So I repeat one more phrase
To myself in the silence
Remember
Remember to forget.

I promised myself
I would not say a word until I am 18
In 1 year 4 months and 8 days from now
But who's counting?
Then I would be able
To make my own decisions
About prosecution
About who to tell.
When we're all off
In our independent fantasy worlds
Everyone's at a different school
So the focus will not be on me.
He will probably still be living in his mother's basement
Talking to girls online
Propositioning them for ***
Meeting them in a stairwell
Bullying them into doing what he wants
And leaving if he doesn't get it
Or once he's been satisfied.
Keeping them awake at night
Beating themselves up over questions like
"Can I even do anything about it?"
Causing them to panic
At the sight of his face
When he still has the audacity to
Say hi to them in the hallways.
Wondering how to classify
Some of the darker things he did.
Were they assault, exploitation, coercion
Or a mix of all three?
And when their friend starts dating him
She heeds warning to her.
The friend doesn't listen the first time
And gets hurt.
Two months later,
She wants to get back with him
The young girl again warns against it
But she doesn't tell her friend why
Because she is protecting herself.
She gets backlash for this
Harassed for being insensitive and horrible.
That came like a slap in the face.
So what will she do now?
Will she speak out to prove herself
Or keep it under lock and key
As she had planned?
What will I do now?
I thought I was getting better
But now it's haunting me
As the situation gets more and more potent
And someone gets hurt either way.