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Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Stop trying to make me feel better
With all of the
"I'm sorry for your loss" crap
Maybe you mean it
Maybe you just do not know what else to say
But neither do I.

Is it possible, perhaps
Just not to bring it up
Until I ask?
What if I am not ready to talk?

Anyways, don't be sorry for me.
This is all my fault
That everyone is upset
That my mom is in pain.

I told her things would be just fine
When she was crying on the phone
The night he was admitted

I said
Don't worry,
He's probably just dehydrated.

I'm sure he'll be better in the morning.

I went to bed that night
Truly believing things would be okay.
He was this strong force
This army man
He wasn't allowed to die, right?
That kind of thing doesn't happen that quickly
Does it?

Well, apparently it does
Because he died the next day.
And I am such a ******* liar
For telling her it would be okay.

Stop asking about why
I don't want you to be with him.
No, it's not because I'm bitter
Or because he broke my heart
(Neither of which are the case, by the way)

He assaulted me.
He did not hurt me the way you think he did
Emotionally
He mentally and sexually abused me

No one knows, or ever will.
I refuse to deal with it.
A lot of the time,
It's not even on my mind
Unless I see him face to face
And my body goes into survival mode.

Then there is the question of
Was it assault?
There is too much of a grey area
For me to do anything about it.

I learned from the first time
That the law generally doesn't work in your favor
If you wait this long to bring it up.

Stop telling me I'll be okay.
Stop calling me pessimistic:
Stop saying I brought it upon myself.

Stop judging situations
That you know nothing about.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Daddy, I never asked to see you cry
It is unsettling
Because I have tried to convince myself
That this isn't happening.
You make it harder.

Daddy, we never got along
But suddenly, you are not taking advantage
Of my vulnerability.
You aren't using this as an opportunity
To berate me.
Something must be wrong.

For the first few days,
You allowed me to cry.
Now, once mom returned
Our relationship seems to be
"Business as usual" once again.

We nag, we fight, we ignore
The underlying issues.
But we seldom forget
The words that have seeped through
The cracks of our broken sidewalk at hand.

Daddy, I just want to be coddled
And yet, I want nothing of the sort
Because that would mean that this is all real.

Daddy, I just want to be a child again
But somehow, I seek my independence
Pushing boundaries as I go.

Daddy, I just want things
To be okay once again.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Mama, there is no question
That you love me
With every particle of your being.
Mama, I'm sorry I told you
That things would be okay.

Mama, I'm sorry I said
That he would be just fine.
I really believed it too.
I lied, unintentionally
And now this is all my fault.

Mama, I should not have to be strong for you
As you would never ask that of me.
But I cannot stop myself from trying
*And failing.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
You have hurt me
By judging how I grieve.
Still, I should not have lashed out.
My heart has been a dark abyss
I find myself loveless
Both in giving and in receiving it.
It is not fair how I am acting
But neither is what is happening.
My life has crumbled before my eyes
He was not supposed to die
And I cling to guilt and sadness
Like bitter friends
As they are all I have left.
This is not meant to be
A wasted apology
But I am sorry
For acting so selfishly
And for simply
Becoming a new, more sinister
Lonelier version of me.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Now
Before, you were here.
Before, you sang the "Eerie Canal Song"
Every time we were together.
Before, you always called me stretch
Which is ironic
Because I have never been tall.
Before, when you smiled at me
And I knew exactly what it meant.
Before, when I was sick
You always were there to take care of me.
Before, even when you snapped at me
I knew we would be joking around fifteen minute later.
Before, I wanted to keep your view of me
Immaculate and squeaky clean.
Before, even when I didn't know anything
I knew you would be there, cheering me on
Even when you were hundreds of miles away.
Before, I knew you would never leave.

That was then
This is now.
Now, you're gone.
And I don't know anything anymore.

Now, you're not around
Now, I feel so guilty because we're here
And you're somewhere drifting in some other atmosphere
That some people call Heaven.
Before, I used to believe that Heaven was somewhere
Way beyond the space we know
And that the streets were lined with gold
Because that's what I was told.
Now, I just don't know.

Now, we're living our lives on Earth
Now, we have this unquenchable pain
And some days, we don't know why.
Now, we wonder
If when you look down at us
You're proud.
Now, there's all this uncertainty
Since you're up there and we're over here
What would you say if you
Were alive and healthy
The way I remember you
The way you should be?

Now,
I'm broken.
Now,
Everything is different
And it's not for the better.
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Think about the happy times.
You're lucky you had sixteen years with him
I never got that.
Stop isolating yourself and move on.
You're so pessimistic.
It's better that he didn't suffer.
Everybody grieves differently.*
Then why can't you just let me
Grieve my way?
Jordan Frances Apr 2014
Simple man, where'd you go?
You were always there for me
As quintessential as anyone could be
I'm on the edge and I'm missing you tonight

You were my hero
You are my star
Your name will never leave my lips
Thank you, simple angel
I cannot wait to see you again

Lovely man, where'd you fly to?
Everyone adored you
As a mentor, a father, a friend
Could I ask for anyone better?
Why must these things end?

You were my cheerleader
You are my rock
Your name will never leave my lips
Thank you, lovely angel
I cannot wait to see you again

I fall apart so rigidly
And the pieces of my heart
Are causing me to bleed
Do you see us hurting for your return?
I'm sorry for disappointing you
I'm sorry I told her you would be just
Fine

You are my protector
You see me through
Your name will never leave my lips
Thank you, beautiful angel
I cannot wait to see you again

You entered this world so simply
And you went out with a bang
Hoping to surprise my grandma with this at my grandpa's funeral, thoughts?
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