it has been months since the last time i ran a razor against my skin
i try to keep my days busy
hoping that i won’t turn back
i look at things different now
i scan people for scars and want to know about them
i love scars because they show where you have been
pain doesn’t phase me anymore
getting tattoos is enjoyable
not painful
sharp objects like cooking knives
or if my friend pulls out a pocket knife
bring me back
it is scary and tempting
but i choose not to go back
my scars are there and that brings comfort to me
the day that they fade will be a scary one
for i won’t feel at ease anymore with nothing there
i don’t like change
having my wrist marked up for so long became normal
i hope i have enough strength for that day
when it is cold
the scars are more noticiable
i secretly don’t mind the cold
it facinates me to see my skin change colors to temperature
i have learned that the color red is beautiful
red is the color of strength
that color came out of me
but the majority stayed inside of me
it used to be a bad thing
the color red
but i look at it differently now
i never thought i would be writing this poem
about “the days after”
i’m smiling right now because i did it
i got through the hardest mountain in my whole life
i see things differently now
-that day will come for you too
the look on people’s faces when they see my bestfriend and i
is absolutely priceless
i am so lucky
to have a best friend
who accepts me for who i am
supports my decisions even when i am wrong
makes me laugh when i want to cry
listens to all of my crazy thoughts
keeps my secrets
no one will ever understand how much we theive when
we laugh until we can’t breathe
go on long car rides to no where
do crazy things just for the hell of it
sing out hearts out to sad songs
say the same words by accident
we have so long to go
so many more things to experience
and we got eachother for the long road ahead
i love you can never be said enough
our love is expressed through
keeping eachothers secrets
buying eachother our favorite foods
correcting eachother when wrong
i felt as though i have known my best friend my whole life
and it is the greatest blessing God has ever given me
to have my other half
by my side
through right and wrong
good times and bad
tears and laughter
i would not want to experience this crazy world
with anybody else
we will always be friends
no matter what
and even if we are far away
we will always be looking at the same stars
i love you bestfriend
-thank you for the past 2 years
ocean blue eyes
bangs that shield my oceans
heart big enough for everyone
on the short side (definitely fun sized)
contagious laugh
seattle skyline tattooed on my neck
sucker for my home town
feels everything too deeply
bittersweet addictions run through my mind
determination to make everyone else happy
hoping that will fulfill mine
love for animals
especcially the big and fluffy ones (horses & dogs)
lover of my dad, all the male figures in my life
always wanting to give, and do
indescisive because of all the options in this life
loyal, will never let you go
funny, wants to make everyone laugh when they are feeling down
looked at as positive, no one knows how i am actually feeling
an over thinker
smart about the things that matter in this world
curious and easy to talk to, go well together
loving, affection is my favorite
welcoming, “hi my name is _” will always come out of my mouth
outgoing, willing to try anything
christian girl, God is always your friend
understanding, always thinking of reasons to why someone would do something
hopeful, wishing for the best 24/7
wordy, writing makes me feel exquiset
-who can love me?
during my 17 years on this planet
i have experienced
and sadness
love was enchanting
hurt was excessive
sadness was predictable
oh how i wish these feelings didn’t haunt me
but they changed me
i no longer don’t know what i deserve
i deserve happiness
everlasting love
and respect
i am on my way
to conquering all of my demons
and i never realized
that i have been doing that the whole time
even when i was hurting
when i was broken
i was still fighting
waking up every morning
and learning how to live this life correctly
take it from me
the boy that broke your heart
and didn’t even know why he did
is missing out on the strongest person
he has ever met
that has enough strength for the both of you
the whole you need to love yourself before someone else
is so false in my outlook
i learned to love myself through someone else
with the help of my significant other
and even though he hurt me
he taught me exactly what i don’t want
and how to love
yes, i wish i could love him forever
but that match wasn’t right
someone is out there for me
to love endlessly with my entire heart
and more
and someone is out there for him too
i am learning to appreciate his being
and that i am lucky enough to see the same stars of as him
all i wanted was to fix him
to fill his void
but that void is much larger than i ever thought to imagine
and his mind is not set to have it filled
his happiness
my happiness
are equally important
it is time
to go discover
the other love in the world
it might be selfish to say
that my love compares to no other
but i hope he comes to conclusions
that there is no other me
and that there is no person with a heart as big as mine
and that he made the biggest mistake of his life
-new man new me
the process of forgetting is ridiculously hard. thank you to everyone who is aiding me on this journey of finding me.
once upon a time
all of my happiness was from you
i craved laughs and smiles
and thrived when i experienced amazing moments

once upon a time
you shattered my heart
everyone, including me, thought my heart was too strong and big to break
you made it look like it was the easiest thing you have ever done
my heart is fragile now

once upon a time
you called me a princess
told me i was sweet like honey
cute as a button
your everything and more

once upon a time
i was used for the first time
i felt like nothing
i don’t like myself anymore

once upon a time
you were gone
i thought you were going to come back
my hope was strong
and you did

once upon a time
you came back
i never felt so revived
you left again the next day
leaving me thinking of reasons why

once upon a time
i cried until i couldn’t anymore
i punched things until i could feel something again
i screamed why
i was mad at the big guy in the clouds

once upon a time
i was given advice
i realized that i have the bestest friends
that there was another boy standing right in front of me
he said he isnt like you
he said he wouldn’t hurt me
why did you have to make it so hard for me to trust

once upon a time
all i wanted was to save you
to make you whole again
to fill the empty void in your life
you decided to stay empty

once upon a time
long after my heart broke
i realized that your a person
we see the same stars
and that is good enough for me
if i can’t be with you
all i want in this life for you is happiness
not the fake kind

once upon a time
i thanked God for giving me the experience of you
i wouldn’t of wanted my heart broken by anyone else
it was a bittersweet honor to get my heart broken by you

once upon a time
i was out with friends
you came up in conversation
how is it that
if you come up in conversation
i feel like i can’t breathe
i wish you could of given me a reason
really do wish

once upon a time
i learned that i need to move on
and that its okay for a piece in my heart to be reserved for you
thank you for loving me when i could
i have never felt that way before

- once upon a time i learned to be happy
Oh how I love her
lines do blur as I hear her laugh
causing my heart to melt
in a way I cannot understand.
the urge to protect her unlike any love
I often wonder what her skin would feel like against mine
but I am not allowed to have her
I see her everyday

Sometimes I feel suffocated
maybe the closeness we have is more painful
I know in moments of stress I cannot handle her habits
But as I wrap my hands around her shirt
and I drive hours to see her smile
I can’t help but wonder if this love will ruin me
As the last love did
more gay...
why were you good enough to dedicate my whole self to, but i wasn’t good enough for a reason to why you didn’t love me anymore.
why do i have a hold so tight on you i feel like i would fall to my death if i let go.
why do you tell me lie after lie, do i look like i have no feelings?
why was i taught to be so kind, i grew up and now it’s taken advantage of. i’m not going to stop being myself.
why do you make up your mind so quickly? am i that easy to push away?
why have you not matured? why would you rather be free than having one love?
why did you have to be so amazing, then just leave me with the rest of the world. i needed you. you left me. when you said you would never do such a thing. why are you with me, everywhere i go. reminders of you are everywhere.
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