I used to love being alone
but now I'm starting to confuse it with loneliness.
I used to love having space
but now I'm lost in the atmosphere.
I keep eating cause I should,
but I still feel ******* empty.

And i can tell that i don’t cross your mind
When you’re the only thing that stays on mine,
But it’s fine, i’ll be alright, survive,
I know that it’s just how things have to be from time to time

I don’t want to cry. Please believe me, I’m trying
I can’t get emotions across without constantly whining
I don’t want to scare you.
I need to be near you.
You’re like oxygen, you see,
I can’t breathe without you next to me,
But now you’re gone.
This all feels so wrong.
Just last week i woke beside you,
Now this bed is empty and I can’t forget your smile.

I miss the way that you’d hold me.
I miss the way that you kiss my forehead,
And my nose.
and tickle my sides, but
Now my heartstrings are tackling blows.
I don’t know.
Maybe you really don’t need me
And what you need is for me to leave you alone.
But i dont want to go.
You gave me a home.
I was lost for so long,
Found myself in your arms--
Now i know it’s where i belong.
Even though you’re fighting the pain inside,
From the girl that broke your heart, and plagues your mind
And made you want to die

Please don’t cry
If this isn’t what you need
Believe me
I understand, i just want you to be happy.

I’ll never forget you.
I’ll always be grateful for you.
But if this is the way things have to be,
Then i guess I’ll be fine.
It’s alright.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your life
And until next time,
Know you that always have a place in my heart
And in my mind
And I love you.
But goodbye,
My aurora.

your fan sounds like rain on a window pane through the speaker on my phone as you’ve fallen asleep on video call for what could be the hundredth time, i’ve lost count of how many nights we’ve done this
since we were 16, we have done this, year after year
the sound does not bother me though, and i do not hang up
instead, i pretend you’re beside me as i listen to your breathing
it is steady, rhythmic
it seems that everything you do, you do beautifully, it’s so hard not to stare
you make music when you speak, a pattern in your syllables imprinting on my brain
you see, you make music for a living, but my favorite songs are the way you run your fingers through your hair instead of brushing it
the way your brows furrow when reading an email
how every time you put on a hat, it’s tilted slightly to your left
the fact that each time we kiss, you always peck my lips after and smile a toothy grin
when you laugh and your eyes crinkle up at the corners
your attention to detail, color coordination, aesthetics
how you always make sure to remind everyone you talk they should drink more water,
i love falling asleep listening to you
i listen to the music you make when you aren’t even trying

i long for the mornings i stir and hear those even breaths rolling over soft lips,
when we are lazily tangled up in one another
where i brush the hairs away from your eyes, though closed,
and count the faint freckles dotting your nose
for the moments of intimacy,
like the first few mornings that i whispered i love you,
countless times before i ever really told you i loved you
where i stare at those mocha eyes opening when you wake,
only for you to smile warmly and pull me closer
the intimacy of the sun peeking through the window,
and the security of your arms holding me tightly
you are my morning cup of coffee
you are just what i need to make it through the day
a week from now i’ll be by your side once more
i will trace your jawline as though i am preparing my mug,
wrap you in sheets of memory
drink in the sight of you in morning light
and take you for all that you offer

My dad would always warn me to be careful when falling in love;
I fall too quickly for my own good.

So on the days leading up to the moment you arrived,
I made sure I steadied my footing,
readying myself for the moment I would.
I could tell I was going to.
I wanted to be prepared.

But as I stood in that airport, my knees were already trembling.
It seemed as though the moment I saw you coming down that escalator,
I lost my footing.
All of a sudden everything around me had disappeared.
All at once, I was falling.

I wondered if skydiving rivaled that thrill, and the fear.
My heart never stopped pounding.

When we got back to the car,
I kept staring at you as though you'd vanish.
My mouth grew dry with dread.
I worried I would wake any moment and all of this would have been nothing but a dream.
But I didn't, and you remained.

We stepped into my room and everything blurred.
I heard nothing but the air rushing by me as I fell harder each moment.
I turned to you, begging for clarity, and was met with a kiss.
For a moment, I could see again.
I warned you I was petrified.
You held me.

I saw the pieces of me I had lost when falling in the past come hurtling towards me as I fell.
When I woke up to you, your chestnut irises were still closed,
yet your breathing stabilized my rugged heart rate.
I was completely unaware of where the ground was,
or how hard I'd hit it,
but I savored the sight as though it were still all just a dream.

Each and every moment with you,
I feared the outcome.
I prepared myself with every aching hour for the impact.
My breathing was so unsteady, I felt on the verge of collapsing.
I closed my eyes. I couldn't let myself see what was coming.

As we sat on my bed, and you held me in your arms,
you begged me to open up.
You insisted I open my eyes,
and I fought tears as our breathing synchronized.
I could see the ground now.
The panic clawed its way out of my heart, up my throat,
and I felt my body shake as the words finally spilled out.

I braced myself.
I winced, expecting the pain.
I had anticipated every bit of me to shatter.
I was ready for there to be nothing left of me to break.

But I didn't break.

I could tell the world around me was still again,
but I wasn't on the ground.
I was not broken.
I was pieced back together, carefully.

You kissed me, breathing into me the life I thought I'd given up.
I finally opened my eyes, and as my vision focused,
there sat every piece of me I thought I had thrown away for each and every heartbreak before.
The parts of me that I had lost so long ago, that I assumed nobody would miss or remember,
sat upright, polished, and presented like precious gems.
The feeling in my body returned,
and I turned to those perfect orbs in disbelief--

you caught me.

You never let me go.

It was then that I realized that all the while I had readied myself to fall,
I had already spent my life preparing my heart for you.

So when my dad reminds me to be careful this time, I'll let him know:

I was, but I never needed to be.
You were right here all along,
waiting to catch me.

the gallon of arizona green tea that you only drank a fraction of.
the salt and pepper potato chips you meant to eat, but only did so in the dream i had last night.
the unmade bed that was still unmade when you flew back home, the one i still cannot bring myself to make.
the dyed green hairs i keep finding around the house.
the way you always pronounced 'mosquito' as 'mosk-it-toe' on purpose, and how you pronounced my cat's name 'sullumun' instead of 'solomon' on accident.
the partially closed closet door from the morning i drove you to the airport.
the faint smell of your sweat on my pillow left because of your hyperhidrosis.
the flannel you wore and the longsleeve shirt you doused in your aftershave, that is three sizes too big for me to realistically wear.
the empty taco bell cups in my car from your fourth day here.
the empty shopping bags from our impromptu mall trip.
the polaroids you really wanted to keep, but we couldn't find when you packed.
the pieces of you that you never meant for me to keep that i keep piecing together as though, like an alchemist, i could make you appear again though i cannot, and you are not here, you are gone.

the wind is howling, untamed aggression singing tirelessly.
distance is relentless.
it begs and screams to be acknowledged, until the day it is pardoned and we meet.
the howling ceases.
all at once it is calm, the now softened breeze humming sweetly its truest intentions.
your fingertips graze my face as gently as a sunrise, i can hear the morning doves as you whisper my name. the light you emit convinces me that all this dark was only temporary.
but as your journey back to new york ensues and i can do nothing but watch you disappear, the world around me dims. the sun sets, and i am once more met with the wind.
your scent haunts my pillows like a ghost. it caresses my face when i do my best to rest, it comes out of seemingly nowhere and i am met with thoughts of yesterday.
all at once the winds are roaring again, beckoning the inevitable world of darkness i had momentarily forgotten.
i am swallowed in their turmoil, straining my eyes for the comfort of your light.
but the sun is no longer in my sights.
this wind continues to howl, still as angry as can be, and i beg that i might stumble into the sun again. i cling to the shirts you left as though your body remains inside.
i cling to the memories of day, and when you were mine.