Who needs antidepressants when i have my own best form of therapy. It may not be what you consider healthy, but when i put it to use, it surely does make me happy. Maybe you don't know whats best for me but that's just fine because the only person living in this body is me

I thought i was getting better,
But im so far from it.
Constantly having these thoughts running through my head.
I keep having this dream
of what i did when i used to be like this.
Im in the bathroom, where i go to hide from this family
This family that hates me, makes me feel pain
Im sitting on the toilet, ive got my special blue kit
Youd never guess thats where i keep all my secrets.
I pick the newest  blade, the one that'll do the most damage
I put it to my skin and quickly draw down on it
Red liquid comes out and makes me feel alive
So i do another one, another one, until i feel fine.
I wipe up the mess, throw the paper in the toilet, flush it all away so no one will ever find it.
Its not like they've noticed, let alone cared
Pretty much invisible, until someone gets mad
Then they come to me and let it all out
It doesnt phase me, or at least thats how i act
But they dont know what goes on behind the bathroom door,
Where i spill out my emotions and clean them off the floor.
So ill stick with being silent, invisible, unnoticed
Itll only make it easer when im no longer at their service

I don't even want to get out of bed,
Let alone go anywhere and spend time with my "friends"
It's not like i even have any, that is.
I had one person i could talk to throughout the day, but i went and messed that up so now I'm left on my own.
Being alone is never good for me, it either leads to one of two things.
Neither are good for me, one is just less deadly.
I've been doing some thinking and i've realized some things.
You were the only good thing left inside of me.
Now that you're gone i have no reason to try, i'll just let the voices come back into my life.
There's no reason to fight them off anymore.
Because honestly, who would even notice if was gone?

You were always the type for hit it and quit it, i don't know why i thought this time would be any different.
I caused you a lot of stress,
and you stayed ******* with my head
But eventually you wore me down and i just gave in.
I experienced so many firsts with you, all in the same two hour time frame
But once i gave my virginity to you, you stopped replying to my messages.
It wasn't a big deal to me, i just wish you'd be real with me.
This message has been on 'read' since the day that it happened, when all i was asking was if you'd want it to happen again.
It was a fun time tho, so thanks for that i suppose.  
I just wish you'd stop being such a ******* head **** and let me know what your true intentions are.

I can't even bring myself to get off the bathroom floor,
Let alone continue as everything is normal.
Theres really no point to go anywhere else, im just going to end up back here again within the next twenty four hours.
Seems like i spend more time with my fingers down my throat, than anything i've ever tried to accomplish.
I don't know why im like this.
I use my fingers to rip out the secrets that im too afraid to tell,
But once they're out in the open i banish them as soon as i possibly can.
I don't want to be like this; i don't want this to control me.
Little by little i've let it creep into my life, and now its the only thing that occupies my mind.
'What are you going to eat, and how much of it'
'How will you get rid of this, you can't just leave it in your stomach'
Those are just a few of the things that i hear in my mind on the daily.
I said i was finished with this, but im not sure.
I  just don't know if I'm ready to abandon this and all my hard work.

Poetry is about self expression
If people make fun of you for that, then what is left?
Without self expression, you'd have a lot more dead teens.
Bottling up their emotions because they cant let anyone see.
They'll keep everything inside until its too much to handle
Then they'll turn to self harm as a way to release it.
But they can't let anyone see, because then they're just asking for attention.
I know this all too well, ive been in their shoes, i know exactly what it leads to.
You wake up everyday wishing you were dead
But can't end your life because that takes too much effort.
I got out alive tho, because i found a healthy habit.
I'd take the pen and pour out my emotions.
Honestly i can say that i would probably be dead,
If i hadn't picked up the pen the day that i did.
So just know it gets better, you just have to find your healthy habit.
And that's the good thing about poetry, because no one ever judges you for it.
We've all had a past and done things we wish we hadn't
But that makes the best poets,
'Cause they write out what you feel because they know from experience.

I blame it on my period, but it's my own lack of self control
I'm trying to get better, so it should start getting easier, shouldn't it?
But that's not how it works, no, not at all.
You still spend every single day consuming calories and wanting to explode.
You may not explode as often any more, but you still loosen your cannons daily.
You try to get buy with just one meal, but that turns into a full fledged feast.
You eat and you eat until you can't anymore, then goto the toilet and let some bombs explode.
But since you're getting better, you don't use up all of your ammo
You leave it hidden away, adding on some extra armor.
Then you wake up, see what all the violence caused you to gain
And you just feel like **** because you no longer come out on top every day.
You're losing battles left and right; and the saddest thing is, you're losing to your own mind.

But are you truly happy, when you
only feel that way with the help of alcohol and ****? leading you to live your life in a false state of euphoria. But that's just fine, because it's the only way you know how to survive - it's how you've been getting by for the past six months at least. It doesn't look like you'll be changing your ways any time soon, but why would you? You've got nothing left to lose. So why not stay happy; or at least that's what you think it'll do.

Hard to feel homesick when you've never really felt at home

Everyday is a constant battle between me and my mind
And i don't know what it will take to free me from this never ending ache
Because i don't have much time left on my plate, there's always something to do, something to be said.
It leaves me wanting nothing more than to just be dead
I just want to sleep for a thousand years, maybe then when i wake up i wont be covered in tears.
Maybe then i will be happy, content with my life.
But until that day comes, im just striving to get by

I've become so custom to the side effects of depression, that they don't even seem abnormal anymore.
Never being able to sleep, but always being tired.
Oh that's no big deal, i'll just blame it on the coffee.
Not having enough energy to complete even the simplest of tasks.
But that's okay, you're just a lazy kid.
Constantly feeling like you're never good enough, that nobody even likes you or wants you around.
Oh stop it, don't be so clueless. That's just common teenage emotions.
Having to talk yourself into getting out of bed in the morning, because you would rather be dead than face the rest of the day.
Oh just get over yourself, you're being too dramatic, is what they'll say.
But little do they know, none of this is normal.
No one should have to wake up everyday, wishing that yesterday would've be their last.
How common do you think it is, to wish every single breath you take would be your last?
None of this is common, not in the slightest bit.
Can you please tell me why anyone would want to be like this?
People let you believe that depression is just a phase; something you can snap out of at any given day
But in reality, you can't; it is a life long disease that takes years to overcome.
And just like any disease, if it doesn't get treated, millions of people can, and will, die from it.

Poets don't shed tears, they just spill ink.

I no longer have the will to mutilate myself with harsh shrieks and crooked lines. It'd only make since if i got rid of the objects, but yet i keep them hidden, just behind all my lies. I honestly have to purpose for them, but i just can't demolish them, because what if one day i decide to create a new purpose for them? Maybe I'm just afraid of change, but that hasn't stopped me for the past year or so. There's been nothing but change, yet those tools stayed secluded, no longer creating any masterpieces. One thing that has remained the same from the start is my tendency to self destruct at any given hour. So sure, there may no longer be a sea of untold stories written all over my body. But the tsunami in brain is on the verge of overflowing. Just one more storm, and this whole ship could be wrecked. The passengers haven't even noticed a change, probably wouldn't mind if the whole ******* ship ran into the bay. So maybe it's true that I'm afraid of change; because in the past five years, the only thing that's changed is the way i chose to paint my picture.

I guess its my turn to be hated by the one person i love without a warning or a given reason why.
I just dont know what i did,
All i was doing was telling the truth
Since when is that bad?
Maybe youre just mad because your little plan didnt go the way wanted.
Ive been in her shoes, i know exactly what you do.
You say youre leaving her just so i will get with you.
But not this time, i wont play your stupid little games
Cause all it leads to self destruction and heart break.
Ive been there once before and im never going back.
All i did was love you and hate myself,
You turned me into a brain washed little monster.
I love you, fool, but youre just not worth it.

Waking up to see your face
Has to be my favorite part of the day.
I don't even care if you're a thousand miles away,
'Cause in that moment you are right next to me.
You make me the happiest i've ever been
You're the closet i've ever gotten to another human.
If i lost you,
It'd be like losing a part of me.
We're made for each other- you and me- its destiny.
Ive never felt a love this strong in my whole life,
If you ever got torn away from me,
just know i wouldn't give up without a fight.
You're worth the distance, its nothing compared to us.
What we have is special, no amount of miles could ever change that.
1030 miles away but i already feel so close.
It's not that i want you in my life, trust me, i do.
But it's so much more than that; i need you.
The way you make me feel is so un-describly surreal.
You make me feel loved, and wanted, and valued.
Seeing your face for only five minutes is more than enough to make me smile.
Hearing your voice is like listening to a beautiful melody,
Which was hand picked personally just for me to hear.
I hope you're here to stay,
'Cause babe i need you so.
If you ever need a place to stay,
You know right where to go.

I knew this was coming all along
I just didnt want to believe that youd be gone.
You told me to stay strong,
But youre the only thing that kept me fighting through it all.
I need you here now more than ever
But youre not coming back from down under.
You were always so happy, so full of life,
Nobody knew what was going on inside.
You just keep fighting, smiling through it all, always standing strong and tall.
You kept me sane in my weakest hours.
Oh if there was a god, why would he give you cancer?
Its just not fair, you never hurt anyone.
You were always there to help, give them the answers.
Noone knew you quite like i do, they had no idea youd be saying your last words soon.
You told me goodbye but i didnt want to believe it, i kept hoping that you would just be sleeping.
But now your gone and i know for sure,
You spoke your finale breaths and left this earth.
But ill keep my promise, ill stay true to you.
Because after everything youve been through, you just wanted me to see it through.
I will stay strong, ill be as happy as can be
But im only doing this for you bud, because you would do the same for me.

Funny how you were in love with me, but it only took you three days to get over me.
So tell me, did you ever really believe that we were soul mates?
I know i was the one to end it, but you were the first to move on.
The only difference is, i'm still in love with you, while you're finding comfort in another girl.
You were the first to delete the pictures, while i still have all of our memories saved on my phone.
It makes me wonder, if you ever really meant a single word that you said.
All the nights we stayed up until three am, planning out our future together.  
You told me i was the first and last person you would ever love.
That my friend, is where you told your first lie.
You can't tell me you didn't love the girl before me.
If that was the case, you wouldn't've stayed with her for such a long time
Know that i meant it every time i said i love you, every word i ever said to you was true.
I know i called it quits, but that doesn't mean i'm ready to get over you.
You made me write about happy things for the first time in my entire life, and i will always have you to thank for that.
I wish that i could still be your friend, because like you said, " i'm convinced that i will be in love with you until the day that i die, no matter the day, no matter the time"