I have always been the clay
Always.
When my parents moved me from my Italian home
To Hamilton, Canada

I was the clay
I learned English
Decorated a new bedroom
Made new friends
Dressed like I was born here
I became Canadian
Without a complaint

I was the clay
When my Canadian boyfriend
Fed me Canadian food
I ate it
When he wanted me to go to the bar
With him and his friends
I went
When he wanted to watch football
Which isn’t actually football
I watched too
When he started listening to country music
I learnt all the lyrics

I was the clay
When my parents had a baby
I changed diapers
Played ball with her in the yard
Was a good babysitter
Went to the playground
Played peek-a-boo
Read children books to her in English

I was the clay
When my boyfriend wanted to take a break
I said okay
When he wanted to get back together
A month later
I said okay
When he said we should move to Edmonton
I said okay
When he asked me to make Canadian food for him
I learnt for him
When he blamed me for everything
I nodded and said sorry
When I found him in bed with another girl

I became a bird
I was not the clay
I grew feathers
Colourful and long
Then I flew
And I don’t ever plan on landing

I would have
given it all up for you
If you would have
Let me

Marry me. Let's make vows and promises and kiss with everything we have, while dancing the night away.

Marry me. We can have a daughter with your eyes and my smile, who laughs more than anything else.

Marry me. We can go travelling in our mini van, stressing over every turn before pulling over to the side, trying not to argue in front of her.

Marry me. Let's eat meals together and fight about the little things and never let a single thing go.

Marry me. So we can yell and scream in front of whoever we want until even the silence hurts.

Marry me. Let's break all our vows and promises and never kiss again.

Better yet divorce me.  We can pretend nothing happened and that marriage is overrated because love never lasts and I'll pretend if you will that I don't think about you every time I go to sleep alone.

Sometimes it hurts
Hurts because you’re not there
Hurts because you are there
Hurts that you want one thing
And another the next
That when I’m about to fall
You’re the one who’s pushing me
I hate
That you’re the one who can
Break me
That you control me
That you can’t stop
Before it’s too late
That you can’t choose
And when you do it’s never me
That I never know
Until it’s happened
That you don’t know when it’s too much
That you lose control
That when everything is falling apart
You don’t know how to pick up the pieces
That when the world gets big
You get smaller
Sometimes
Most times
I hate you
But
I hate
Even more
That when I look
In the Mirror
It’s your eyes
That stare back

To be honest
I can feel myself slipping,
Spiraling,
Falling,
Slowly but
Surely

I barely slept at all last night,
I didn’t take my B12 today,
And tomorrow doesn’t look much better
I’m slipping, spiraling, sprawling
and I don’t think anyone notices
Or would really care

I’m not a poet
Nor do I want to be
But my heart is torn,
My mind a disaster
I’ve fallen farther than Alice
And I don’t care
that no one cares

I know I’m falling,
Spiraling,
Slipping
And I’m not trying to stop
In fact
I rather like it