there will be time in your life
when nothing seems to work
when all the pain you can muster up in your wrists
will not be nearly enough to shoot endorphins through your veins

when you don’t know if the choking feeling in your throat
is because of the pills you downed in a heartbeat
or the recurring thought of “i’ll never be good enough”
of “maybe i should just **** myself”

when the sadness has drilled too big of a hole in your chest
that your nerves can’t seem to send your brain signals
that pain has flooded your entire system
shutting down not only your organs
but also your ability to move
to speak
to think

when your highs seem like mountains to climb
and your lows just another step forward
to fall into the neverending trance
of the sensation upon reaching the bottom

you just want everything to stop
you want your atriovencular valve to cease its motion
your aortic valve never to open again
to never close again
there will be no more isovolumic contraction nor relaxation
the beat at which your heart dances to keep you alive

you want it all to stop
maybe it will keep you from life’s ups and downs
you want a flat line
no rising action
no falling action
you want nothing
you want to be nothing
or you just want to be happy

but if there are no ups, no downs
no contactions
no relaxations
when your heart has flatlined
that means you’re dead
and no amount of epinephrine will bring you back

just take a shock to the system
please, whatever you do
don’t sign for a DNR
“do not resuscitate”
take a shock to the system
to remind you that being around
is actually pretty worth it
that pain
that suffering
they give beauty to life
they are the beauty of life
that you’re the beauty of someone else’s

love does not hurt us
it is the people we love
that hurt us the most

do you think of me
the way i think of you
when my eyes start to burn
and my body longs for the warmth of your arms

how comfortable are you
on top of the pedestal in my heart
it's like a part
of me
that has always been there from the start

do you feel the pulse
that dances to the sound of your name
have you grown accustomed
to the rhythmic pattern of I love you's
of dinners out and sleeping in

do you think of me
the way i think of you
because my eyes are starting to burn
and my body longs for the warmth of your arms
and i'm not so sure
you long for the warmth of mine

so then all your flaws
connect like constellations in the sky
because "i love you"
will stay despite

first instincts
will last
even when you know it shouldn't
when you know you shouldn't
pick up your phone for verbose conversations
shouldn't call them "love" or "darling"
or anything in between
you hover your thumb above the send button
just to end up deleting your whole message history

first instincts are tricky things
because for a moment
you act as if things are the way you want them to be
then you realise that they aren't

Sun and Moon. Perfect.
Dancing across the sky. Love
without thought of time

Night. The Moons domain
The slow beating of a heart
Life's quiet exhale

Day. Plain of the Sun.
The softness of howling winds
Life in its purest.

Sun and Moon. Broken
Never meeting, but forever
Love, unrequited

we care for our homes
but why do we forget that
earth is our home too

i try to reach the depths
to venture down the darkness
that can only stretch as far as one's mind can comprehend
i cower to hide behind the annotation of words
but i find myself pushing up for air

i lack oxygen
skill
strength
my words lack cadence and cohesion
and whatever i can conjure up
to excuse my incompetence

i walk on the shoreline
and feel the sand between my toes
with my shallow eyes
i see the sunlight

not roses nor tulips
not the smell of the wind rushing through your face
on the first day of spring
not the smell of newly cut grass
that fills your lungs with a new day

freshly squeezed orange juice
in the country side
not lemonade
even with the aid
of the scent a bright summer's day

not lazy sunday morning
when the rain would fall
and you'd scurry to the crook of your bed where you body fits
perfectly

not the earthy scent
of bonfires when the sun shys
from the twilight sky

not the afternoon walk you take
with all the time you have to yourself
you see a butterfly
it flutters
and you suddenly feel it in your stomach again

not even the scent of that four-letter-word in the air
can compare
and even above
all of that, i'm telling you
nothing smells better
than the person you love

I was on the streets
Alone and dying, looking for someone.
Then, You came along.
You had a heart for me
So You picked me up and put me on Your back.
Carrying me home, You told me You loved me ever since.
For in that moment,
You introduced me to the feeling of living.
I didn’t want that feeling to end.
“No wind
No traffic lights
No one
Could ever stop me from loving You back.”
Said my soul.
But
My heart and mind
Oh why oh why should I go back
To those lonely streets?
I want to be with You and You only.
But I keep
Failing.
You gave everything to me.
My friends
My family
My life
Your heart
But I didn’t care.
I only cared for myself.
Every time.
I always fall in the same manhole.
And yet, You still reach down to me with your hand and tell me
“It’s all right.
I love you.”
Every time.
I am sorry.