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AA
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
AA
Forever etched into a reverie
A memory of you and me
Branded behind my eyelids
Last night

When you had had much to drink
Couldn't think of how to blink
Your eyes reddened 'round the rims
Of irises

You held me in a drunk embrace
Around my waist to save your grace
Walked us right out of
That bar

Don't go you said
And instead pulled the thread
That held us
Together

And somehow our lips intertwined
As if you were mine in that time
As though we were
Fine

Alcohol stained my tongue

Because of that kiss
I often miss
AA meetings
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
These past few nights
I've found myself
Wide awake
Half naked
On my bed
Sheets between
My body
And the air that compacts
Itself into this box
Of a room

All of this
Because of you

I cannot go to sleep
The wiring of
My nerves
Tingling and twitching
Underneath this
Summer skin
That longs for the
Weekends

All of this
Because of you

And on the nights
Where there is no air
Between my body
And yours
My breathing hitched
My moans all muttered
Is when I get my sleep

All of this
Because of you

It is such a risk
To find a slumber
Deep enough
To hold me under
When all I want
Is you

All of this
Because of you
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All Rights Reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2017
An open letter to those who have dealt or tried or whichever with me during my depression and/or anxiety.

I wish I could stop. I hear that a lot. "Just stop." As if it were a switch I can turn on and off at my own will. If I could, I would've disabled that switch the minute I learned what the on was designed to do. If only I could stop if only I could

"Think positive" I hear that the most. I didn't think of that, nor did the twenty something people before you. As if I haven't dived into the deep end of positive affirmations for the riptide of negativity to pull me 20 times under. For every positive thought, my brain's defense brings up 20 reasons that the positivity isn't real or won't last, or my favorite, why do you even deserve to be positive.

I don't forget all the times you've said "people have it so much worse." I am so ungrateful for the roof over my head and the food I get to eat or the daily drinks I use to muffle the voices inside. I hate the privilege of having my friends and loved ones look at me through foggy lenses and lend me their advice. It comes from the bottom of your heart but it doesn't come from experience.

Oh and how can I forget how I'm acting like this out of attention. I promise if I wanted the attention, I would get it in a manner much more humorous instead of a pitiful pit stop of a parade I feel some of you think I am. I am not trying to guilt you or appeal to your pathos. I much prefer to evoke your happiness with jokes that mask the constant desire to not even exist.

Then it comes down to the people I've bared my mascara streamed, tear soaked, bare souled self to. I'm talking to you. The one who I know won't understand but I at least expect to be there. Because I know that when you only deal with it once a month it isn't a problem, take some asprin and put a ****** in and it's over before you know it. God forbid this curse drowns me for a week or two or three. I'm sorry to put a damper on your life. The one where you chant the positives and get on with it. You have the choice to leave. I don't.

I don't surrender to this illness. "I'm not a vicitm" I repeat constantly. I'm not trying to make up excuses as to why it's okay to act like this. I fight every day for a little breathing space, and sometimes I am consistently losing battles in this civil war for my own mind. I apologize that you bear the burdens of being on the front row sidelines of this imax screening of my life.

You see, when the anxiety is over, and the food I haven't eaten for a week is molded now, depression takes stage. Right on cue. A constant back to back showing for boys and girls, it's fun for the whole family. But even like the longest movies of our life, there are intermissions. I sometimes get to step outside the theatre and am reminded that it's still sunny outside, that there is a fresh breeze. I can hear my own thoughts for a moment and they aren't trying to **** me. I am reminded that I have people I love and who love me, despite every reason I have that they don't. I hold onto that feeling and submerge myself so when the next riptide pulls me under, I can somehow find myself at the surface.

Sometimes I resurface with new or stronger allies, and sometimes I lose them in the battle. Casualties of war. Those hurt the worst. The people I love the most, leaving me to find the surface alone. It's enough reason to start the next showing. Like that, I return to my stage, my battlefield, my diving board until the next intermission.
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
How naive of me to think
Fire and water could meet
And neither extinguish or evaporate
How could I have thought
More often than not
Your flames as friendly fire?
How could you think
Over the edge on the brink
My rain as merely showers?
We were both forces of nature
That should never be played with
One which swallows forests
And one which erodes the mountains
Both to blame for a new beginning
Both to blame for the old endings
We could never be friends
and we tried to be lovers
How stupid we are to play with eachother
Beware of the showers
Beware of the flames
Neutralization was never the game.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
I can hear her screaming at me
I'm underwater
I can hear her shouting
I'm drowning
I won't let her save me
I'm finally at peace
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
How dare he even try
To come back into her life
After he ripped her apart
every
Single
Part
Shredded her to bits
Every
Single
Inch
Picked at the seams
And didn't care for her screams
Layed her in hell
Broke his own spell
So please tell me how
Tell me why now?
After she's put her self all back together.
He left her before
Please shut the **** door
He doesn't belive in forever
She remembers his name
She's forgetting his game
Her heart is a hopeful romantic
Lock it up twice
He's got the same vice
He's using his regular semantics
Shut the door
Hit the floor
Go far away fast
Remember the past
He's a game of fire at best.
You'll get burned
Back in hell
He does it so well
Save yourself while you still can.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2017
And I don't know
but maybe I'm not supposed
to be who I once was
What is this radical notion
that I have to move backwards
in order to be me?
Perhaps in rebuilding myself
I can allow a few tweaks
Some new upgrades
Maybe a new me
Is who I'm supposed to be
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
You all paint this perfect picture
And forget the mess
Of all your brushes
With each new color
Adding to the murkiness
Of your cup of water
That washes off each stroke
Your reds
Your blues
Your highs
Your lows
Ripple together when you dip that brush back in
The canvas might be a masterpiece
But your hands are not.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
A skeleton,
b o n e s ;
skin hanging by
t h r e a d;
all the memories,
t h o u g h t s
they linger and
e c h o
not quite clinging to
a n y t h i n g;
my chest,
e m p t y;
all my organs,
h o l l o w ;
and my heart,
n o n e x i s t e n t
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
And I keep telling myself
I'm tired
When the truth is
I'm exhausted
Depleted
On the verge of
Giving up
And I keep telling myself
I'm fine
When the truth is
I'm morose
Melancholic
On the edge of
Bursting
And I just want you
To call
********
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All Rights Reserved
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
Alone with my thoughts
Drive me insane
I can't stop wondering
The rules of your game
It's crazy to think
That I had a clue
How to win a game
I rarely lose
So tell me how you've won
With only pawns on your board
How have I fallen
For the one I'd ignored
A little move there
Short and unseen
The rules of your game
Aren't routine  
With only a rook I don't stand a chance
Against this cause of circumstance
2016 ©️ Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Perhaps we have no control
of our destinies
that all our choices
are preconceived
and if we are to
make the wrong
indecisions
they all lead to
similar conclusions
and choice is merely
a delusion
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
of things sweet and in reach
separation causes a spirit to wander
to things they never teach
Affections flitter
Stomachs flutter
and things are not always
constant
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Like constellations of rural skies
Eluding and forlorn
Longing to connect the dots
to which I could adorn
Secrets of Da Vinci
Deceptive and unknown
Wanting to explore regions
but only to bemoan
Storms of Zeus' power
terrify and maim
introvert explorers
who've fought and overcame
The sole subjects stands
unspoken or indifferent
Withstanding these decoders
To which he won't imprint
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
I don't want to
Get lost
In you
But I fear
I have travelled
Much too
Far.
I never planned on
Staying up
Till four am
Wondering
About the thought
Of us.
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Dec 2014
I want to drown in ***

Wallow in tequila

Suffocate in bourbon

And by the time I fall asleep

I’ll forget about you

And when I wake

I’ll celebrate with mimosas,

Her name far away from my tongue
And you still would not notice

Because your beer

With two X’s

Will kiss me and keep me intoxicated

Until I pop two fizzes

Seltzer and sober

And I’ll remember

Why I never wanted to fall in love
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
I loved you in that Fudruckers
Across from you in a booth
I didn't know it yet
I loved you in your GLI
Driving 80 out of Dallas
Why are car conversations the best?
I loved you in your bedroom
My very first night
You didn't know it yet
I loved you when you left
It was my fault
I'll never stop being sorry
I loved you when I made the choice
To stop hearing a small heartbeat
I did start to question yours
I loved you when we didn't talk
For months and months
You hated me.
I loved you when I wanted the best for you
From afar I wanted you happy
I was okay on my own
I loved you when you kissed me again
First time in forever
It's hyperbole but how it felt
I love you still
Even when I still question yours
I still don't know it yet
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
I don't quite remember
our first kiss
but I remember
every kiss after

I remember the electricity
eccentricity
of your hands
exploring
your lips
ignoring nothing

I remember
the need
the crave
the desire
for more

I don't quite remember
our first kiss
but I remember
every kiss after
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
What are you scared of
he asked
like he'd never been afraid
just jump
he commanded
as though all his beds were made
I'll catch you*
he claimed
as I began to walk away

and so he caught
when I jumped
and I was not afraid.
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
I saw you look over at me
My arm across your chest
Fingers tracing tiredly
I felt the breath you took
It hitched
I saw you pause when you looked
Right before kissing
My forehead
Your chest tightened
My senses were heightened
I and you know it to be true
That kiss means
I love you
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2014
It comes back in fragments,
pieces of last night
Dreams?
Memories?
I can't tell which
It all fell apart
between the moment
my eyes shut
and reopened
All the fragments
didn't fall into place

It's so frustrating
putting puzzles together
without the picture
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
I have always been
obsessed
with the stars
and when I saw
the constellations
speckled across your cheeks
and the bridge of your nose
I found that
stargazing
was much easier
during daytime
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
You were the daughter of good intentions
The queen of innocence
And now
you shake the leaves from your hair
You haven't gone anywhere
but down

You are the daughter of broken promises
The queen of masquerade
And now
you wish the basement wasn't so dark
You try to think of a last remark
but can't

You will become the daughter of pity
The queen of melancholy
But now
you will realize the leaves were your crown
You will plant your feet in the ground
and stay
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
A traffic light
In the middle of the night
Is the invite
To a midflight
Stop
And the starlight
Of a fallen meteorite
Begins to reunite
Some impolite
Feelings
Because bodies have an appetite
For pure delight
In things that excite
And ignite
A craving
And in hindsight
Wish to be gripped tight
To rewrite
A Goodnight
Without words
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2016
How badly I want to be in that
John Hughes film
I want the cheesy romance
That reeks of tears for fears
And looks like the **** or geek or criminal
That sixteen candle
Sitting on your 944 porche
With the credits rolling up kind of romance
Please leave your notebook at home
Locked up with a vow you don't remeber.
I want that weird science kind of chemistry
A day off involving you
I can look pretty in pink
I can look pretty in Hughes of you.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Nov 2014
I love you and I miss you. And I love you and miss you constantly. And I fall asleep with the thought of your right arm loosely around my waist and your left arm underneath the pillows, your hand slightly entangled with mine. I can feel my legs slightly intertwined with yours, finding comfort in the fact that this is my favorite embrace. This thought will help me sleep. But then I am aware of my thoughts when I am with you. You know? I'm in my bed thinking about what I think about when I'm sleeping with you. And as though I am there, I feel and hear everything. I can see the light from the TV casted onto the walls and ceiling and i am aware of my blinking. I can hear you drift off into sleep. You begin to breathe shallow and then start to snore that tiny lawn mower snore, and I know that you're not consciously here, or is there? And I start thinking about how lucky I am. How amazing you are. And how much I don't want to sleep just so I can cherish this moment for as long as possible.
I can imagine looking over you, your clock and reading it. 3 in the morning already. I should sleep. And I feel my eyelids growing heavy and by this time the movie is over and the room turns dark and I know I know I know that I should sleep. But I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that if I sleep, I'll find out I was dreaming. Because to find out that you are just a dream would be a nightmare. So I scoot in a bit closer and kiss your hand and I try to feel everything before everything goes dark. And then it's morning. And you're still there. Or is it here?
And I think about all of that while I'm in my bed and feel everything. Diluted. But it's still screaming with feeling and seeing. And I can barely sleep. But I know I know I know I should sleep.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
your reasoning falters
it alters
it fails
your opinions
they matter
to you
and none else
your pride is weak
it's bleak
and it's sour
and this is why
we don't care
for your power
your reign?
it's a game
played in the dark
no lights for kings
no last remark
time to revoke
your rules
we call jokes
because in the end
this is what
you've provoked
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
The truth is
We are all
Searching
For someone
To care
So deeply
About us
That we forget
What being
Forgotten
Feels like
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All Rights Reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Rest these weary thoughts away
The ones that knock
The ones that stay
The ones that lurk until it's night
Creep and crawl until it's bright
The sun, it shatters the reverie
Of sleepless dreams that never flee
They wait at bay, inching, itching
Etching, scratching,
clawing, stitching
When at night and all alone
They hit the ball, run it home
Leaving bags under your eyes
Thoughts annoy, like summer flies
No sleep, again
A rerun that will never end.
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
To love is so much more
Than this idea of perfect contentness
Love is vulnerability
It is giving someone the key
To your precious dark world
It is making room
In the empty part
Of a special heart
That opens only on occasion
Love is letting go of the strings
To your favorite marionette.
No longer the puppet master
Of your emotions
With the warmth and joy
Comes the wretched feeling of it being gone
And yet, we dip ourselves into the deep
Abyss of it anyways.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Oct 2016
James Dean, James Dean
You're fast and lean
You cocky ****
James Dean, James Dean
I swear you look like a ******* dream
And you wear that scowl as if you're mean
I know the truth
James Dean, James Dean
You're soft and clean and not what you seem
Quick and smart
James Dean, James Dean
Perhaps you're keen to always be seen
But you're not my type
James Dean, James Dean
2016 © Jazzelle  Monae
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2017
I tend to jump ship
before I've even boarded
I'm halfway to the gate
before you catch your flight
I'm about to ask you to stay
Or maybe take me away
I'm so afraid of being cliche
So I don't board
or catch your plane
Instead
I walk the other direction
Chalk it up to a missed connection
You'll always question if it was you
It wasn't
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
You are just a boy who walked away
Without so much as a goodbye
So forgive me if I walk away
I do hope you'll ask me to stay
But I've become intolerable
To the lack of effort
You seem to use quite often
I refuse to pour emotions into you
I won't invest my time
Into a boy who never looked back
I won't think twice
About walking away
Without so much as a goodbye
For someone who is only
Just a boy
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Lions do sleep
On the opinion
Of sheep
Act as though
Unaffected
But deep in their
Slumber
They do solemnly
Wonder
If those words
Are too,
Unexpected
For sheep are
Wise
Of a Lion's true
Pride
The doubt that resides from
Within
The lion
The lamb
They've given
A ****
Only to be
Misdirected
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
To feel like porcelain,
fragile and easy to break
is something I'm no stranger of

Now to feel like
stone,
solid and dense,
is something I know nothing of

But to feel like
oxygen,
impenetrable, flawless;
to be the air that fills your lungs
is all I aim to be
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
I wake up terribly exhausted
stayed up all night
thinking about you
and it sounds terribly cliche
but do you think of me too;
my lips around your manhood
fingers down your spine
as I imagine your tongue
tasting something salty and sweet
like the way you sweat
when you're on top
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
We all know that
Death
is inevitable.
And somehow it
always
comes as a surprise.
Prayers in whispers
echo
among lonely halls,
as if mocking our
mortality
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
There was a sport I once played
Back when I was younger
It required form and precision
Focus and decision
My couch taught me
Muscle memory
The way I remember
How to hold the gun
On each "on my mark"
Go go go
And even though
I haven't seen you in quite sometime
I forgot the touch of your fingers
On my lower back
I forgot the feel of your lips
Tasting mine like the last drop of water
On a summer day
seeing you tonight
Holding your hand
Kissing your lips
Underneath
Or on top
It comes back
Easy.
Like muscle memory
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
I abandoned the thought
Of fleeting
When I came to my
Senses
All I could
Hear,
Feel,
Smell,
See,
Taste;
Was you
And the way you
Pulled me close
My nerves
Held on edge
Waiting for the right time
To devour
Your stimuli
And our anatomies
Collided
Into a single burst of
Entropy
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
You said things
like perfect timing
and stars aligning;
I imagined constellations
of every galaxy
in every universe
conversing, adjusting
to a position
where we would collide
and I tried
and defied
those stars as best I could
because I knew then,
as I know now
If the stars gave me you,
I would never
give you back
And if there is such a thing
as equal
and opposite
reactions
I plan to defy
the laws of physics
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Rattle my bones
unhinge my nerves
espresso
morning
day
and night
Flowing through my veins
static electricity
oh Coffee,
you get the better of me
My own addiction
right to the core
keeps me up
all hours of the
Dawn
and Dusk
of my ******
capabilities
Oh, Coffee,
you unhinge me.
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Faint smells of him
stain my clothes
& now & then
whiffs of his
cologne
catch me off guard
& suddenly
my mind aches
to smell him
in my bed
on my body
to engulf myself
in him
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
Before I learned to play with fire
I stood amongst it's ashes
The smoke, it danced into the sky
And embers floated flawlessly
When the flames grew into fire
I was not afraid
When the flames grew into fire
I knew I'd be okay
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
We were once a thing
And you still think
You know me
You see,
You shattered me
But I built myself back
differently
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2014
Please promise me
say you'll stay
till the end
until the end of the day
and the week
to the very last second
of my very last breath
And please promise me
say you won't forget
out firsts
our first kiss
and words
to the very first night
of our very first time
Please promise me
say you're mine
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
Given the option
to be with you
was rhetorical;
As inquisitive as I am,
my curiosity replenished
with every
kiss
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2014
Your name tastes like cotton candy
The way it melts on my tongue
Sweet. Light.
Your eyes feel like the farris wheel
When you get to the very top
Hypnotic. Captivating
Your kiss sounds like a roller coaster
Sitting at the very front
Active. Alive.
And everything looks like a first date.
*Vivid. Relevant.
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Senselessly,
I've fallen
for some uncertainty
The cluelessness
I feel
is equated
with sedation;
and the seduction
in those
perfect
green
eyes
make me
yearn
to learn
your entire
physique;
your entire
mentality
To explore
depths
even you have
forgotten
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
I saw the sun set in my rear view mirror
I was driving home
You lived in the West
And I, in the east
And just like us
I was the beginning
And you were the end
And how beautiful we both were
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
you satiate me
completely
and I wonder why
at three in the morning
I can't fall
asleep
when I'm not even
in love
with you
or the thought
of us
but you satisfy
the cravings
and desires
of my physical
and emotional
needs
and I can
never be
what you need
and by the time
the sun rises
I understand my own
disguises
maybe
perhaps
I could be falling
in love
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
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