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Oct 2017 · 2.0k
The way your body moves
Jazzelle Monae Oct 2017
Was it lip to lip
Or hip to hip
That I found myself in this
Deep abyss
Thoughts racing
Hearts pacing
I forgot or I forget
The past and present
Hands around my neck
And fingers somewhere else
It's easy to get lost
But at what cost
Do I lose myself
When it comes to you
Jazzelle Monae © 2017 All Rights Reserved
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2017
An open letter to those who have dealt or tried or whichever with me during my depression and/or anxiety.

I wish I could stop. I hear that a lot. "Just stop." As if it were a switch I can turn on and off at my own will. If I could, I would've disabled that switch the minute I learned what the on was designed to do. If only I could stop if only I could

"Think positive" I hear that the most. I didn't think of that, nor did the twenty something people before you. As if I haven't dived into the deep end of positive affirmations for the riptide of negativity to pull me 20 times under. For every positive thought, my brain's defense brings up 20 reasons that the positivity isn't real or won't last, or my favorite, why do you even deserve to be positive.

I don't forget all the times you've said "people have it so much worse." I am so ungrateful for the roof over my head and the food I get to eat or the daily drinks I use to muffle the voices inside. I hate the privilege of having my friends and loved ones look at me through foggy lenses and lend me their advice. It comes from the bottom of your heart but it doesn't come from experience.

Oh and how can I forget how I'm acting like this out of attention. I promise if I wanted the attention, I would get it in a manner much more humorous instead of a pitiful pit stop of a parade I feel some of you think I am. I am not trying to guilt you or appeal to your pathos. I much prefer to evoke your happiness with jokes that mask the constant desire to not even exist.

Then it comes down to the people I've bared my mascara streamed, tear soaked, bare souled self to. I'm talking to you. The one who I know won't understand but I at least expect to be there. Because I know that when you only deal with it once a month it isn't a problem, take some asprin and put a ****** in and it's over before you know it. God forbid this curse drowns me for a week or two or three. I'm sorry to put a damper on your life. The one where you chant the positives and get on with it. You have the choice to leave. I don't.

I don't surrender to this illness. "I'm not a vicitm" I repeat constantly. I'm not trying to make up excuses as to why it's okay to act like this. I fight every day for a little breathing space, and sometimes I am consistently losing battles in this civil war for my own mind. I apologize that you bear the burdens of being on the front row sidelines of this imax screening of my life.

You see, when the anxiety is over, and the food I haven't eaten for a week is molded now, depression takes stage. Right on cue. A constant back to back showing for boys and girls, it's fun for the whole family. But even like the longest movies of our life, there are intermissions. I sometimes get to step outside the theatre and am reminded that it's still sunny outside, that there is a fresh breeze. I can hear my own thoughts for a moment and they aren't trying to **** me. I am reminded that I have people I love and who love me, despite every reason I have that they don't. I hold onto that feeling and submerge myself so when the next riptide pulls me under, I can somehow find myself at the surface.

Sometimes I resurface with new or stronger allies, and sometimes I lose them in the battle. Casualties of war. Those hurt the worst. The people I love the most, leaving me to find the surface alone. It's enough reason to start the next showing. Like that, I return to my stage, my battlefield, my diving board until the next intermission.
Jun 2017 · 566
The truth about drugs
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2017
I think of you in whispers
I still feel you in my marrow
I don't feel you in my veins
nor in my heart
I don't feel you in my head
nor my soul
But every now and then
I crack my spine
and tend to find
traces of you
Jun 2017 · 553
Jumping Ship
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2017
I tend to jump ship
before I've even boarded
I'm halfway to the gate
before you catch your flight
I'm about to ask you to stay
Or maybe take me away
I'm so afraid of being cliche
So I don't board
or catch your plane
Instead
I walk the other direction
Chalk it up to a missed connection
You'll always question if it was you
It wasn't
Jun 2017 · 402
Begin Again
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2017
And I don't know
but maybe I'm not supposed
to be who I once was
What is this radical notion
that I have to move backwards
in order to be me?
Perhaps in rebuilding myself
I can allow a few tweaks
Some new upgrades
Maybe a new me
Is who I'm supposed to be
Oct 2016 · 885
James Dean
Jazzelle Monae Oct 2016
James Dean, James Dean
You're fast and lean
You cocky ****
James Dean, James Dean
I swear you look like a ******* dream
And you wear that scowl as if you're mean
I know the truth
James Dean, James Dean
You're soft and clean and not what you seem
Quick and smart
James Dean, James Dean
Perhaps you're keen to always be seen
But you're not my type
James Dean, James Dean
2016 © Jazzelle  Monae
Sep 2016 · 761
Skies
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
I saw the sun set in my rear view mirror
I was driving home
You lived in the West
And I, in the east
And just like us
I was the beginning
And you were the end
And how beautiful we both were
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Sep 2016 · 1.0k
Phoenix
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
Before I learned to play with fire
I stood amongst it's ashes
The smoke, it danced into the sky
And embers floated flawlessly
When the flames grew into fire
I was not afraid
When the flames grew into fire
I knew I'd be okay
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Sep 2016 · 1.2k
Hindsight
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
A traffic light
In the middle of the night
Is the invite
To a midflight
Stop
And the starlight
Of a fallen meteorite
Begins to reunite
Some impolite
Feelings
Because bodies have an appetite
For pure delight
In things that excite
And ignite
A craving
And in hindsight
Wish to be gripped tight
To rewrite
A Goodnight
Without words
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Sep 2016 · 542
Checkmate
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
Alone with my thoughts
Drive me insane
I can't stop wondering
The rules of your game
It's crazy to think
That I had a clue
How to win a game
I rarely lose
So tell me how you've won
With only pawns on your board
How have I fallen
For the one I'd ignored
A little move there
Short and unseen
The rules of your game
Aren't routine  
With only a rook I don't stand a chance
Against this cause of circumstance
2016 ©️ Jazzelle Monae
Sep 2016 · 732
Endurance
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2016
I loved you in that Fudruckers
Across from you in a booth
I didn't know it yet
I loved you in your GLI
Driving 80 out of Dallas
Why are car conversations the best?
I loved you in your bedroom
My very first night
You didn't know it yet
I loved you when you left
It was my fault
I'll never stop being sorry
I loved you when I made the choice
To stop hearing a small heartbeat
I did start to question yours
I loved you when we didn't talk
For months and months
You hated me.
I loved you when I wanted the best for you
From afar I wanted you happy
I was okay on my own
I loved you when you kissed me again
First time in forever
It's hyperbole but how it felt
I love you still
Even when I still question yours
I still don't know it yet
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Aug 2016 · 367
Behind the Canvas
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
You all paint this perfect picture
And forget the mess
Of all your brushes
With each new color
Adding to the murkiness
Of your cup of water
That washes off each stroke
Your reds
Your blues
Your highs
Your lows
Ripple together when you dip that brush back in
The canvas might be a masterpiece
But your hands are not.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Aug 2016 · 1.0k
So much more
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
I want you to do so much more
Than **** me
You can use me
Any way you please
Your hands can roam more than my ***
They can caress the curve of my back
And the nape of my neck
You can whisper much sexier things
Than "I want you"
Try  "you're all I want" instead
Press me hard against your bed
As if a milimeter between us
Would **** you
Plant kisses on every square inch
Tiny marks of territory
I'm yours
Look me in the eyes
Tell me three words
I want you do so much more
Than **** me
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Aug 2016 · 674
The L Word
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
Don't make me say it first
I felt it bubble up
The second those green eyes
Found mine
But I said it first the last time
And I've waited seven months
To hear it
And you use a lot of words
Like, a Lot,
But not the L word I'm looking for
You feel it
It never left
As if there was a magnet
On your heart
And mine
You know the L word I'm looking for
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Aug 2016 · 1.3k
Muscle memory
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
There was a sport I once played
Back when I was younger
It required form and precision
Focus and decision
My couch taught me
Muscle memory
The way I remember
How to hold the gun
On each "on my mark"
Go go go
And even though
I haven't seen you in quite sometime
I forgot the touch of your fingers
On my lower back
I forgot the feel of your lips
Tasting mine like the last drop of water
On a summer day
seeing you tonight
Holding your hand
Kissing your lips
Underneath
Or on top
It comes back
Easy.
Like muscle memory
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Aug 2016 · 600
I've been getting it wrong
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
To love is so much more
Than this idea of perfect contentness
Love is vulnerability
It is giving someone the key
To your precious dark world
It is making room
In the empty part
Of a special heart
That opens only on occasion
Love is letting go of the strings
To your favorite marionette.
No longer the puppet master
Of your emotions
With the warmth and joy
Comes the wretched feeling of it being gone
And yet, we dip ourselves into the deep
Abyss of it anyways.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Aug 2016 · 1.7k
Aries and Pisces
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
How naive of me to think
Fire and water could meet
And neither extinguish or evaporate
How could I have thought
More often than not
Your flames as friendly fire?
How could you think
Over the edge on the brink
My rain as merely showers?
We were both forces of nature
That should never be played with
One which swallows forests
And one which erodes the mountains
Both to blame for a new beginning
Both to blame for the old endings
We could never be friends
and we tried to be lovers
How stupid we are to play with eachother
Beware of the showers
Beware of the flames
Neutralization was never the game.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Aug 2016 · 2.5k
Forehead kisses
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2016
I saw you look over at me
My arm across your chest
Fingers tracing tiredly
I felt the breath you took
It hitched
I saw you pause when you looked
Right before kissing
My forehead
Your chest tightened
My senses were heightened
I and you know it to be true
That kiss means
I love you
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jul 2016 · 449
Pieces
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
We were once a thing
And you still think
You know me
You see,
You shattered me
But I built myself back
differently
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jul 2016 · 377
This is my favorite part
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
There she stands
Centre stage
The house lights begin to dim

She has always been
Well liked
And loved
By many
She has always
Stood up
Been brave
Given plenty

But nothing can compare
To the dance she shouldn't dare
To the music
Only she can ever feel

She'll twirl, pirouette
On one leg, arabesque
This pas de deux adagio
Except just by herself
First plié
Then Grande jeté
She shan't try
The tour en l'air
Turn out
Turn in
Plié again
The crowd stands on their feet
Round of applause
She's a lost cause
Shes out of frame
He'll never be her balletomane
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jul 2016 · 1.0k
You Loved Me Once
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
Do you remember?
I destroyed you
Do you remeber?
I cheated
I lied
I cut
And I tried
Do you remeber?
So don't come back now
There's no way no how
Do you remeber?
Our fights
Our anger
Our pain
The danger
Do you remeber?
You destroyed me
Do you remember?
You manipulated
You lied
You left
Never tried
Do you remember?
Why did we do that
Do you remember?
After the kissing
The missing
The loving
I'm reminiscing
Do you remember?
Your lips
My hands
Together
Our plans
Do you remember?
Like glass
One thousand feet high
Breathless
Our bodies touching the sky
Do you remeber?
We were happy
So happy
In love
Do you remember?
But we can't live back there
In the past
Do you remember?
The future
Do you remember?
I loved you once
Do you remember?
Can we love love again?
Do you remember?
I won't get my hopes up
Because I remember.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jul 2016 · 504
Just And Only
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
You are just a boy who walked away
Without so much as a goodbye
So forgive me if I walk away
I do hope you'll ask me to stay
But I've become intolerable
To the lack of effort
You seem to use quite often
I refuse to pour emotions into you
I won't invest my time
Into a boy who never looked back
I won't think twice
About walking away
Without so much as a goodbye
For someone who is only
Just a boy
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
How dare he even try
To come back into her life
After he ripped her apart
every
Single
Part
Shredded her to bits
Every
Single
Inch
Picked at the seams
And didn't care for her screams
Layed her in hell
Broke his own spell
So please tell me how
Tell me why now?
After she's put her self all back together.
He left her before
Please shut the **** door
He doesn't belive in forever
She remembers his name
She's forgetting his game
Her heart is a hopeful romantic
Lock it up twice
He's got the same vice
He's using his regular semantics
Shut the door
Hit the floor
Go far away fast
Remember the past
He's a game of fire at best.
You'll get burned
Back in hell
He does it so well
Save yourself while you still can.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jul 2016 · 694
Us By The Numbers
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
I discarded your memories into a box
2 years of us with rocks in our socks
3 weeks to discard me
4 words to unarm me
"how have you been?"
5 months since "then"
6 months with no words
Just echos. Reverbs
"you're crazy"
But 1 message?
And it unravels?
And it's my heart
I'm here to gamble.
2 years with rocks in our socks
But I fit all those memories into a box.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jul 2016 · 441
At War With Myself
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2016
I can hear her screaming at me
I'm underwater
I can hear her shouting
I'm drowning
I won't let her save me
I'm finally at peace
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jun 2016 · 2.4k
Hughes of you
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2016
How badly I want to be in that
John Hughes film
I want the cheesy romance
That reeks of tears for fears
And looks like the **** or geek or criminal
That sixteen candle
Sitting on your 944 porche
With the credits rolling up kind of romance
Please leave your notebook at home
Locked up with a vow you don't remeber.
I want that weird science kind of chemistry
A day off involving you
I can look pretty in pink
I can look pretty in Hughes of you.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Jun 2016 · 3.9k
We Kissed
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2016
We kissed
And it wasn't gradual.
We kissed
And it was not casual
We kissed
And it wasn't rational
But we kissed
And kissed
I forgot how good I am at this.
2016 © Jazzelle Monae
Dec 2014 · 573
Dos Equis
Jazzelle Monae Dec 2014
I want to drown in ***

Wallow in tequila

Suffocate in bourbon

And by the time I fall asleep

I’ll forget about you

And when I wake

I’ll celebrate with mimosas,

Her name far away from my tongue
And you still would not notice

Because your beer

With two X’s

Will kiss me and keep me intoxicated

Until I pop two fizzes

Seltzer and sober

And I’ll remember

Why I never wanted to fall in love
Dec 2014 · 378
Trivial
Jazzelle Monae Dec 2014
You look at me
But you don't see me
You hear me
But you don't listen
You touch me
But you can't feel me
So tell me,
How can you love me at all?
Nov 2014 · 379
I Don't Sleep So Well
Jazzelle Monae Nov 2014
I love you and I miss you. And I love you and miss you constantly. And I fall asleep with the thought of your right arm loosely around my waist and your left arm underneath the pillows, your hand slightly entangled with mine. I can feel my legs slightly intertwined with yours, finding comfort in the fact that this is my favorite embrace. This thought will help me sleep. But then I am aware of my thoughts when I am with you. You know? I'm in my bed thinking about what I think about when I'm sleeping with you. And as though I am there, I feel and hear everything. I can see the light from the TV casted onto the walls and ceiling and i am aware of my blinking. I can hear you drift off into sleep. You begin to breathe shallow and then start to snore that tiny lawn mower snore, and I know that you're not consciously here, or is there? And I start thinking about how lucky I am. How amazing you are. And how much I don't want to sleep just so I can cherish this moment for as long as possible.
I can imagine looking over you, your clock and reading it. 3 in the morning already. I should sleep. And I feel my eyelids growing heavy and by this time the movie is over and the room turns dark and I know I know I know that I should sleep. But I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that if I sleep, I'll find out I was dreaming. Because to find out that you are just a dream would be a nightmare. So I scoot in a bit closer and kiss your hand and I try to feel everything before everything goes dark. And then it's morning. And you're still there. Or is it here?
And I think about all of that while I'm in my bed and feel everything. Diluted. But it's still screaming with feeling and seeing. And I can barely sleep. But I know I know I know I should sleep.
Oct 2014 · 8.3k
The Flood
Jazzelle Monae Oct 2014
The rain came in rivers
Flooded the streets
Trees and debris everywhere
Up to my knees
In the sky's sorrow
I couldn't wait
"Till tomorrow"
To borrow your heart
I swam the roads
That overflowed
My heart for yours is what I owed
And at the crossroad
There was no water
No flood
No trees or debris
Up to my knees
Just you
Only you
Always you
2014 © Jazzelle Monae
Sep 2014 · 840
The Same Story
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2014
you said,
I'm losing her
and still,
you did nothing
to keep me
Sep 2014 · 790
Solar Systems
Jazzelle Monae Sep 2014
there is no need to defy gravity
when all I want is to define it
as something that pulls you closer to me
and me closer to you
an inward force of the both of us
that the gods of physics
wrote into our chromosomes
You can be the sun and moon
and you can orbit 'round me
and me 'round you
2014 Jazzelle Monae. All Rights Reserved.
Aug 2014 · 743
Promise Me
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2014
Please promise me
say you'll stay
till the end
until the end of the day
and the week
to the very last second
of my very last breath
And please promise me
say you won't forget
out firsts
our first kiss
and words
to the very first night
of our very first time
Please promise me
say you're mine
Aug 2014 · 1.2k
Fragmented
Jazzelle Monae Aug 2014
It comes back in fragments,
pieces of last night
Dreams?
Memories?
I can't tell which
It all fell apart
between the moment
my eyes shut
and reopened
All the fragments
didn't fall into place

It's so frustrating
putting puzzles together
without the picture
Jul 2014 · 848
Scarborough Fair
Jazzelle Monae Jul 2014
Your name tastes like cotton candy
The way it melts on my tongue
Sweet. Light.
Your eyes feel like the farris wheel
When you get to the very top
Hypnotic. Captivating
Your kiss sounds like a roller coaster
Sitting at the very front
Active. Alive.
And everything looks like a first date.
*Vivid. Relevant.
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jun 2014 · 1.0k
Midnight Snacks
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
I wake up terribly exhausted
stayed up all night
thinking about you
and it sounds terribly cliche
but do you think of me too;
my lips around your manhood
fingers down your spine
as I imagine your tongue
tasting something salty and sweet
like the way you sweat
when you're on top
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jun 2014 · 340
Unintended
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
The words I write
are for you
and they've touched
the hearts of everyone
but.
If poetry cannot
alter or affect you
then I do not know
how to show you
love
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jun 2014 · 572
AA
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
AA
Forever etched into a reverie
A memory of you and me
Branded behind my eyelids
Last night

When you had had much to drink
Couldn't think of how to blink
Your eyes reddened 'round the rims
Of irises

You held me in a drunk embrace
Around my waist to save your grace
Walked us right out of
That bar

Don't go you said
And instead pulled the thread
That held us
Together

And somehow our lips intertwined
As if you were mine in that time
As though we were
Fine

Alcohol stained my tongue

Because of that kiss
I often miss
AA meetings
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jun 2014 · 615
Rhetorics
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
Given the option
to be with you
was rhetorical;
As inquisitive as I am,
my curiosity replenished
with every
kiss
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jun 2014 · 11.5k
Freckles
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
I have always been
obsessed
with the stars
and when I saw
the constellations
speckled across your cheeks
and the bridge of your nose
I found that
stargazing
was much easier
during daytime
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Jun 2014 · 1.5k
Newton
Jazzelle Monae Jun 2014
You said things
like perfect timing
and stars aligning;
I imagined constellations
of every galaxy
in every universe
conversing, adjusting
to a position
where we would collide
and I tried
and defied
those stars as best I could
because I knew then,
as I know now
If the stars gave me you,
I would never
give you back
And if there is such a thing
as equal
and opposite
reactions
I plan to defy
the laws of physics
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
May 2014 · 404
All of This
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
These past few nights
I've found myself
Wide awake
Half naked
On my bed
Sheets between
My body
And the air that compacts
Itself into this box
Of a room

All of this
Because of you

I cannot go to sleep
The wiring of
My nerves
Tingling and twitching
Underneath this
Summer skin
That longs for the
Weekends

All of this
Because of you

And on the nights
Where there is no air
Between my body
And yours
My breathing hitched
My moans all muttered
Is when I get my sleep

All of this
Because of you

It is such a risk
To find a slumber
Deep enough
To hold me under
When all I want
Is you

All of this
Because of you
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All Rights Reserved.
May 2014 · 858
Bullshit
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
And I keep telling myself
I'm tired
When the truth is
I'm exhausted
Depleted
On the verge of
Giving up
And I keep telling myself
I'm fine
When the truth is
I'm morose
Melancholic
On the edge of
Bursting
And I just want you
To call
********
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All Rights Reserved
May 2014 · 296
In Search
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
The truth is
We are all
Searching
For someone
To care
So deeply
About us
That we forget
What being
Forgotten
Feels like
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All Rights Reserved.
May 2014 · 1.1k
Directionless
Jazzelle Monae May 2014
I don't want to
Get lost
In you
But I fear
I have travelled
Much too
Far.
I never planned on
Staying up
Till four am
Wondering
About the thought
Of us.
© 2014 Jazzelle Velazquez. All rights reserved.
Apr 2014 · 680
NerveWrecked
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
I abandoned the thought
Of fleeting
When I came to my
Senses
All I could
Hear,
Feel,
Smell,
See,
Taste;
Was you
And the way you
Pulled me close
My nerves
Held on edge
Waiting for the right time
To devour
Your stimuli
And our anatomies
Collided
Into a single burst of
Entropy
Apr 2014 · 493
Words
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Being confined,
Limited,
Strained,
Contained
By the few words
I need to say
It's exhausting,
Frustrating,
Chaotic,
In the inner workings
Of my brain
Why is it so
Impossible,
Improbable,
Imperative
That I say these words
In such a way
That I won't
Discard,
Disarm,
Discord
You

Essentially,
I am afraid.
Apr 2014 · 2.1k
Soberly Intoxicated
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
It's such the contradiction
the way you make me feel
like the earth has drunk
the whiskey,
the sun's sober spill.
Tilted on my axis,
weaker in my knees
I don't exactly grasp
the spell you put on me.
You sedate me oh so smoothly,
like ***** in a glass,
My morning mug of coffee,
you keep me clear, fast.
like clockwork, your lips find mine,
and my heart is in your hand
sober and intoxicated
just like you had planned
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
Apr 2014 · 1.6k
Consistency
Jazzelle Monae Apr 2014
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
of things sweet and in reach
separation causes a spirit to wander
to things they never teach
Affections flitter
Stomachs flutter
and things are not always
constant
© 2014 by Jazzelle Monae. All rights reserved.
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