Have I been forgotten more than I’ve been remembered?
I’m afraid to ask but feel the gentle nudge of my overthinking little demon telling me I need to know. I want to preserve. That is my goal ultimately. Preserve my life, preserve my memories. If only I had done it sooner, maybe I could remember my own Mother’s voice. Maybe I could remember who I am. What I want to be. I am built of choices and principles that I am not entirely sure I agree with, but have I ever been entirely sure about anything? Uncertainty is my main anxiety, uncertainty is my most well established feeling, for there is no doubt in my mind that I am uncertain when I’m uncertain. Or maybe there is. I want to see color on my cheeks, happiness on my lips that shows with every word I say, a body I feel blessed to have no matter my weight. I want to taste happy. I want to taste it in all of its mellow waves of sweet fruit and darting sunsets. I want to taste the Caribbean Sea mixed with sweaty hands and palm trees. I want to be happy. That’s who I want to be. I know there’s no ending that ends with “Well kids, she did it! She found happiness and became nothing but an overflowing beam of light flooding those she loved with warmth and growth and the support she always wished she could give. She found happy.” But if I could just get a taste, a whiff of happiness, maybe that would be enough. Maybe then I could move on and pursue my next dream. Maybe if I caught a glance of happy I would gain the strength to fix our economy. I don’t want happy to be my “The End,” I want happy to be my “Sorry for the technical difficulties, now ladies and gentlemen, on with the show.” I want it to be what gives me the strength to do everything else. Maybe it’s nonsense, only a dream with no bearing to reality. Or maybe I am simply overlooking, overthinking, everything over, look down, look down! Stop being “Over,” things, you are over nothing, you are not the sky nor the clouds in it, you are not the highest branches nor the leaves that remain on it. You are the ground. The very definition of grounded. People walk on you because you let them, it makes you happy. People often see you as *****. You are the ground, which means you are necessary, you are what holds us together, quite literally. You are the ground, and that's makes you beautiful. You’re not intimidated by the footsteps of a thousand warriors for you are under them. And for once, that means you have the advantage. You are the ground. It is short and sweet, so why do you still manage to find misery? You are the ground from which happiness grows. I am happiness. You found me.

Let love lavish your skin
And glide effortlessly off your tongue
As if it was a prayer.
   So desperate to mean it,
Are you as devout in worship
  As you are to breathe it into existence?

Let your forehead kisses be felt
  Even though you don't feel like you deserve them.
   I would kiss away every deprecating thought
Just give me time, please don't lose patience.

You say this love is too much at once
Too overwhelming
My tenderness is too unrecognizable
But you understand primal lust
The heat coiling at the pit of your stomach
The need to be taken rough
To have hips rolling over another
And lips leaving bruises onto skin.

You want me to make you gasp for air
But not have your breath taken away.

Our needs are different.
It doesn't make us less whole,
How I want you more,
   How you lust me so...

here's the thing:

there are days when i lose my rhythm of life
my legs stumble across walking flat pavement
i lose my balance on the stable ends of the road
i jump headfirst in manholes meant for excavation
and i refuse to exit the darkness
there are days like these

there are days when i run dry
my mouth becomes a desert crawling with prayers
my flesh is a wasteland of golden opportunity
my vision is a disfigured specter in shades of grey
and every sound translates into white noise
there are days like these

there are days when words do not help
every apology and thank you leaves me raw
i bleed and hurt and bleed and hurt
and every word still leaves me ******
i will allow myself to be empty on days like these
there will always be days like these

these days do not end in salvation
these are the horsemen of my apocalypse
and on the backs of every stallion
is a part of me that tramples over
the greatest dimensions of who i am
they leave prints not easily covered
they leave me a little more scarred
they leave me a little more tired

here's the thing:

these are the days that become my muses
these are the days of great wreckage
and someday these days will be myths
great stories meant for the taking
but for now
this is the truth.

If I sit on my roof
and block out the light from my house,
I can forget that I exist.
I can swim among the constellations
and lose myself in the bittersweet triviality
of our existence.
I can break free from the intoxication
of my life wasted on autopilot.
I can pretend that I am merely thoughts,
free of the weight of a life
and of society
and of reality.
I can question things
and depersonalize
and forget this anchor of a body
and all its bitter consequences.
But,
for now,
all I can do
is lay beneath the stars
and forget.

I seat myself upon the cool shadowed grass
Carefully watching for blended pieces of rock
The shadows are cumbersome, but the moon aids me
While I sit upon a hill, and discover the world

My eyes gaze upon the dream beyond
where the blissful horizon covers the landscape
I look in the distance where the lights take stage
Dancing upon the city that drifts but never sleeps

The candle light glow creates a magical painting for me
of fireflies and magic, a dreamy display of wonder
I smile happily, feeling the night's comforting chill
Letting it fill me with a peaceful, fuzzy warmth

As the grass brushes my feet, I relax and think
About the beauty here, so grandiose and spectacular
How you always love to dance away in the night
My dear glistening friend, sparkling afar

Thank you for your attraction of lights
for being so quaint and alluring me with speckles
How I love you so, my dear, dear home
You're always here, and here now with me

I will remember this and visit you each night
Home sweet home ~ <3

We often wonder and question,
the meaning of life.
Focusing our attention,
on a three letter word.

The flaw in our nature;
endlessly analyzing.
With a need to understand,
and be reassured.

A vast ocean of opinions,
each an interpretation.
Never truly certain,
of what remains unknown.

Blinded with ungratefulness,
our gifts' wasted; unnoticed.
Failing to recognize,
the kindness shown.

The sun on this warm day,
shed's light to a new dawn.
Embracing this found focus,
not on why, but W.H.Y.

Wisdom, Humor, Youth.
To live each day wisely,
as eagerly as a child,
laughing until you cry.