we never get to dip our feet in to a sunset warm ocean.
we never get to bake cookies together and look at the oven door every passing minute.
we never had the time to take that out of town trip
and get lost in a city we've never been in.

instead...

we had beer for breakfast,
and pancakes for dinner.
shared a lumpy bed and two flatten pillows.
and blasted music not worrying about our neighbors.

we planned to have a picnic or to sunbathe by the beach
instead got oil burns cooking fish.
we wanted to spend days under the summer sky
but spent late night hours laughing under the convenience store's neon sign.

how we imagined life could be ten years later, pretend we're in a movie,
but ended, no post-credits
scenes, we wrote, scribbled in restaurant napkins,
crumbled in trash, thrown away in pieces.

the summer ended with tears and not of joy.
the summer ended with goodbyes screamed in silence as we walked in different direction...
boy, i am now in a plane headed home with bags full of
the summer we wanted.

It’s been forever ago

It hurt so bad
it created a little hole
that slowly consumes me
from the moment I sleep in the morning
to the midday naps I took
sleep was never here

i moved my bed to where the sun
doesnt reach me anymore
i hated the heat
i hated the hint of
tomorrow’s glow

it’s been years you still
sit at the back of every forgotten memory
dusted furnitures you rearranged
and made a home

there was never love
for you
but i hoped
there was never anything
from you
but i held my neck like drying clothes

i felt ashamed
but never for loving you
it was just i’m ashamed i even dared to

create a space for you
though i felt empty
you never deserved
an inch of everything
i felt.

you never deserved me.

you never deserved the happiness
you stole from every night
and every sun light absorbed
waiting for the day
to kiss you.

You fall off
Not from a cliff but in a deep sleep
Turning to your dreams as an escape.
You asked yourself about what could make you happy
But answered silence.
You never really knew yet you said a name.
In that moment, he was
as you also thought,
and he really is, happiness.

Yet the girl...

You do not know her,
she started to like monsters and music that screamed their names.
you know she hated pickles but she orders them anyways,
she never liked staying at home, but saw her lying on his bed,
enjoying the warmth.

And you wanted all of that.

But you don't know her.

You never really knew yourself at all.

It reeks of sadness in this room.
I don't live in the same house, anymore
but I still got your shirt.
I look for you in every face I smile at every day,
they come and go.
So fast, that I wanted it to be you when I look away.
Your smell lives in my head like a song I never liked,
but the chorus screams your name, not the title.

I remembered when you clenched your teeth,
to me, it sounded like the crickets outside my window
that I never thought of closing.
It's cold but I still had the door open for you.

and yet I thought,

there's nothing left to come home to.

the tore down the walls we used to draw on and built a higher one.
the lights... there were none.
Only the blue light coming from a phone so bright that I never thought of putting it down,
in case you call.

in case you wanted to visit the emptiness.

I bet your eyes glitter like the ocean floor during sunsets
His eyes were like pink skies.
You might smile and laugh in a way that would bring life to the room full of sad hearts,
He was the life of every party
and to mine.

I'm sorry if I didn't get the chance to show you how he makes coffee at four in the afternoon, listening to songs of screaming pain and longing.
I'm sorry if you didn't get to hear how he sings his heart out and teaches me how to make barbeque in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry if you haven't got the chance to smell our favorite shirt, I was planning to keep it unwashed until you're here,
so in a way, you know what his hugs smell like.
I'm sorry if you didn't even see the same moon we loved.

You held on so tightly and I know it was hard, it was for me, too.

But I know, you lay in the bed of clouds softer than the cheap mattress I got from the department store.

In the next life we have, I'm pretty sure I'll hug you so tight that we'll never be apart anymore, my baby.
Now, you rest easy and wait for mommy.

**we  might not meet in this lifetime, but surely, I'll never let you go the next time I get to meet you, again.

Hand-written letters are overrated
almost non-existent.
Like love,
as a child, you have longed to experience and even rushed.
You knocked on hearts to know what it felt like but all you had were broken bottles of liquors
that made you dizzy.
Red champagne and Rosé
you learned to immune yourself to
like water and air you breathe in everyday.
Broken dishes on the counter and sink you never washed because you never went home,
because there was nothing to go home to.

*Everything seemed to change when I blew the candle on my 25th birthday cake

Another night you realized how tragic it is to be married.
You. Never. Wanted. To. Be. Like. Them.
Cold nights are normal.
Warm nights are just wrapped sheets and hot days, treated by air conditioning.

in most days, loving me is like taming a dragon
or a walk in a park.
you could tell your friends and family about me
or just have nights out in the dark.
i could be a genie and make your dreams come true
as long as it’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich or just a dinner for two.
you could wish for the world but I
can’t give you that...

‘cause you are my world and just look where the mirror is at.

in most days you feel sad, please know I’m here to talk...
you tell me anything and everything
it’s fine, I like hearing your thoughts...

though it’s not about me
though you want to be alone and leave—

but I think it would be nicer, to be alone with me.

and you sent her a title of the song you wanted her to hear
saying it was saying about the feelings you have,
you wanted her to feel.

but, she heard it before.

you can't blame her
but she did

she had felt the world dance around the same beat
swayed through the waves of the sounds with the wind
when she was on her way to the beach
one hot summer day.

she had fell asleep on the same song
on a school night
having to wait to be validated.

she have cried on the same song when he left her

now, ask your self:

are the songs really for her?

I once got tired looking for stars at night. Searching for the ones you promised to get me.
I cry for nights I couldn't hold you but I never wanted to
Seek more of you
Because I may not bear feeling the pain

Longing for you was never in my control.
Believe me, I tried chaining myself into a brick wall.
While the change of hearts was like the change of weather, I should have told you to bring an umbrella.
Do we tell stories and details of what hurt us but, what about when we had the matching boxers?

Do you care to jog my memory? Please hold me tight one last time. Please, don't let go of me.

I am here to write what I'm feeling,
Not to make you feel uncomfortable.
I may say things that isn't your liking...
but, maybe, maybe stop. I know it's not adorable.

But please let me be, as it is the way to escape
the pain, the horror, the agony.
I don't mind what you say about me,
so please read this and let me be.

Jealousy used to be a girl with puppy eyes and braided hair.

She lurks around the dark side of the room

Waiting for someone to notice but they kept on denying her existence.



Jealous? No.



That’s all she could hear.



‘Til she grew bigger. She now has longer nails, no... claws.

Her messy curls showed up after taking off her braids.

Longer limbs and shorter temper. She screams loud.



By the back of her head, she wanted to be noticed.

She crawled around the whole room. Asking for attention.

And I noticed her. So is the name she whispers in my ear.



The sound is not loud now, but deafening.

It didn’t have sharp edges, but it cut me through.



That, did not made me bleed and cry. It did not make me weak, or so I thought.

But made me furious. She’s slowly reaching out for my hand. I had doubts but, I reached back to her. She stood, emotionless, while I unconsciously threw a plate across the room. I cried. But not in agony. In anger. For sure. I can feel flames rushing through my veins like a waterfall.



Jealousy is like a monster under the empty bed for so long that it learned how to dream.

Jealousy is like termites, slowly chewing off the walls where I used to carve our names with a small blade, I used to use to cut myself.

Jealousy is a box of “What If’s”

A box full of surprises and one of them... called, “assumptions”

Assumptions you thought were visions of the negative things.

Negative things you’re scared to happen. Or even to think about.



Jealousy thought your fear how to grow bigger.

They’re friends now.

And every walk she makes, Jealousy brought along Fear.

They try to pay you visits in your room, that you seem to stay a lot in now. This is the room where I used to watch cartoons and once fell from the rope you tied on the ceiling. It wasn’t that strong. The rope, the ceiling, and me.



It used to be just short visits, now they got themselves their own sofa bed lying next to your queen-sized mattress.  



But I wanted them to leave.



As I see him packing his bags and opening the bathroom door to get his toothbrush.



I wanted them to leave.



But Jealousy invited a guest.



Jealousy invited Pride.



**He left//

She doesn’t write that much anymore.
The flame inside her slowly burnt out.

She didn’t know how to swim but she loved the ocean.
She once jumped into it, not thinking about drowning.
But she was too eager to get to the bottom.
Death didn’t bother her.
But the fear of emptiness. She was scared to find a empty space below.
An empty space she thought was to fill her up.
With anything.

She’s desperate. She know she wants to do something but can’t
Maybe she can, but how? How exactly can she do it?

Through words on her paper and through her head.
She quietly whisper a familiar name.

Long forgotten.

Yet, it helped.

I don't know if I just don't understand how my folks raised a failure like me.
They have given me alternatives of things I wanted and needed.
They have provided me with things and emotions unnecessary for my well-being.
They have planted a bomb inside me...
...and it's about to explode soon.

They've put a seed of anxiety inside my head. Telling me it's nothing.
Telling me I am just overthinking about things and just making a ****** drama.
Telling me I'm not even good at it.

They've water and took care of the little seed and now, it's starting to bloom.
Bloom with tiny leaves called depression.
And the next thing I know...

...it has taken over my head.

The vines has spread and wrapped my whole body carefully and this ****'s tight. Tighter than the last time I cut its thorns.

Slowly, it's growing in me and everything became toxic.

I am not becoming the flower they wanted to be.

I never bloom like before.

All I am is a cocoon. Wrapped in my own depression and anxiety.

Mom, Dad...
You think you're so perfect. In every consequences of your stupid ideas, who gets to sacrifice? I do.

Who gets the blame if they messed up and affected a very big part of my life? I do.

Who gets ****** by the world and always gets left behind? I do.

Who gets up every morning feeling ****** and feeding with your "Words of Wisdom" that NEVER makes sense? I do.

And by that,

You taught me to never care about myself.

Never to care about anything at all.

Thank you.

daming alam//

habang sinusulat, nakaupo sa sofa sa sala, nag iisip.
bakit ganun?
sya pa rin?
ewan, palitan natin.

bakit nga ako nagsusulat?

san ba to nag simula?

siya kasi //

siya nanaman.

makwento ko lang sa inyo ang pinagdaanan ko noong isang taon at pitong buwang nakalipas.

ayos lang naman sana ako.

masyadong makulit, mapagbiro, maingay.
pero seryoso. //
di man halata pero, oo... kahit papaano.

siya naman,

masyadong madilim, yung tipong pag sa anime,
siya yung si senpai na di ka mapapansin kasi tahimik lang siya at gusto nya palaging mag isa...

pero gusto lang nya sana ng tamang taong makakasama.

doon ako pumasok sa buhay nya, dun ko ginulo ang mundong hindi ko sinasadyang wasakin.

kung dati rati'y screamo at ******* lang na musika ang bumabalot sa kanya,
nadagdagan yun ng matinding impact ng bunganga ko at malakas na halakhak.

kung dati rati'y mas matipid pa sya sa intsik ngumiti,
nakikita mo na syang humahalakhak na parang walang bukas...

****, that smile.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

di nagtagal, di na pinatagal at nagtagal naging tayo.

Ang saya, ang lungkot, nagagalit ako, ikaw,
naaawa, nasurpresa, nasaktan, bumalik sa dating tayo...

strangers.

na parang di lang nating namalayang naging tayo pala?

//

tama na.

malulungkot nanaman tayo nang wala sa oras.

wala nang oras para malungkot.

dahil kahit anong pilit mo, di na mababalik yung oras.

kung saan, naglalakad lang tayo sa daan, tawa nang tawa,

napapaluha na sa....

*CTRL + A + Delete

Today was not the day to do the ***** laundry,
and wash away all the scent and memories attached to it.

Today was not the day to fix my hair.
Where my emptiness used to brush it's fingers and do something with my sleep.

Today was not the day to have lunch with sadness.
My parents invited me for some insecurities and judgement.

Today was not the day to spend the night with numbness.
I feel all the hurt and pain of... I don't know.

Today was not the day I planned on dying. At least, not yet.

It's just I feel like...

*...today is just not the day.

I’m lost.

I have no clue on what’s going on
Or what am I supposed to do.

It’s like I’m drowning.

Help.

Long nights became months
Of waiting for you to be back
It didn't matter anymore
For I know you'd never return.
You found comfort from other blankets
Which mine was too thin to be shared
You got a new mattress
Where you lie down and sleep peacefully
Knowing there's no more ME to love YOU anymore.

we're stuck here.
where we embrace anxiety and depression
instead of fighting it.
where if you are happy,
you might be fake.

cause everybody feel sadness.

but I don't choose to live in it.

it has been a year.
since you stopped talking to me.
a year when you broke my heart and I decided to use someone else's to fix it.
a year where I was miserable and maybe desperate.
a year when I was scared but hid behind the mask of happiness.

and its almost a year when i was healed.
fixed from the broken pieces you left me with.
a year when I learned to smile again,
not only showing my teeth but real emotions.

real emotions and feelings we failed to share.

you'll be fine.*

that's all they can say.

but they don't know how scary it is.

how scary the lights in club can make you dizzy.
how scary they might think you are just going crazy?

how the chocolates that used to make you happy,
causes the attacks that isn't healthy.

how scary the people you used to see every day,
suddenly turns to unfamiliar faces each time you wake up.

it is not easy to be sick like me.

when all you have is memory...

but also that's everything you'll have to lose.

I am so tired of people telling me it's going to be okay when they were never under the pressure as you are.
I am so full of people telling me to move on when I can't.
I am so tired of them telling me I'll be fine.
**when I just simply don't want to be.

I used to be that little girl with the colorful dress,
I used to write on walls and make a rainbow.
I used to be the girl where you run to when some kid takes your sandwich.
I used to be the little girl who has  crooked teeth but never failed to smile and be happy every day.

Everything was perfect until the firsts.
First love, heartbreak, hurt, fail, numbness.

Everything fell apart.
Broke down to pieces.

Then I learned how to not care.

then everything seems to blur.

I never played with crayons now.
I play with knives and blades through my skin.

I never wore necklaces.
But, a tight rope I once tried on.

I never liked alcohol on my wounds,
now, I shower myself with liquor and *****.

Everything was a mess.

My life was full of hatred and love of the thought of death.

But when he smiled. It ended.

Do we really exist in the world?
Or are we just a part of another reality.
Just like what Rick and Morty was travelling through.
Like what the Fullmetal Alchemist discovered.
The other side of the gate.
What if we die now?
Do we continue living in the other world?
Or do we die in all the alternate universe?
Do we get a second chance in living?
Do we get the chance to say goodbye to those who we are afraid to leave behind?
How easy will it be?
How hard will it go?

Are we living in the ultimate reality where
it is easier to break hearts than to love?
where it is easier to steal than to gain something?
where it is easier to run away than stay and fight for it.

What it in the other side,
there is more happiness than this?
what if it does not require drugs to laugh our ***** off.
what if in the other side, it does not require violence to get through peace.

Is this why they have forbid us to commit suicide before its our time, because they forbid us to know the truth behind all of this and we are still not needed in the other universe where we are still kicking and breathing?

They say everything has its purpose.

Do you know yours?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I keep on skipping classes.
My head was filled with strange thoughts that sometimes wants me to jump off the building.
I'm sorry I haven't ate enough for one day,
I was trying to survive for the whole week.
I'm sorry I told you people I'm doing fine...
But deep inside, I was planning the funeral I will never have.

I'm sorry I had bad habits I can't stop...
Maybe I just don't want to.
Sorry if I had secrets that I keep until now.
They are the only thing that keeps me going.
sorry if I had told you I'm fine...
I was trying to be.

I filled my emptiness with unnecessary feeling that won't help
but made me alive.
I was looking for hapiness.
I found it in a way that no one else understands.

To my parents:
I'm sorry I am such a shame to the family.
Never grew up like the princess you have treated me when I was young.
Instead, I grew up to be the witch, every one learned to hate.

To my boyfriend:
I'm sorry I ****.
I never cheated on you or even thought about it.
but I learned how to lie.
Lie about me.
I am happy with us,
but never with the person I became.

to my self:

I'm sorry I became like this.
This was out of the plan, right?
we talked about this before.
But I failed you.

Everything is messed up now.
I don't really know how to fix this and make every thing okay again.

And I am tired of trying.

You enter the empty room, half of your face covered with the shadows.
Headphones on and you turn off the silence around.
There was no one there, yet you felt something getting close to you.
The weird warmth slowly caressing your senses.
Everything felt so lonely when that burning sensation touched my skin.
Now, I realized that my old friend, LONELINESS, have found me.

bodies' warmth as the sun heats up the sky.
we continue to move while we were burning
into the flames
once we thought was dangerous to play with.

i've always dreamed of sleeping in your arms
from the day i was conscious enough.
i dreamed of smelling the breakfast you made
and the scent of the detergent you used to wash my clothes.
also dreamed of going home to warm hugs and

"how's your day?"

sometimes, i wished you saw me singing on stage
with the friends you told me to stay away from.

however, they became my family instead.

i wish i get the love i expected as a child.

but it never happened as far as i can remember.

never happened to get great hugs from you when i feel sad
never happened to get enough appreciation on things i sacrifice for you.

i never got the simple things a daughter like me
could ever ask for.

never did. *maybe

silence was her music
when it was his best friend.
she became the light
when he rose from the darkness.

dim lights caressed him
with her scent sweet as rose
they may have some differences,
yet, love was found when their roads crossed.

now every thing is colorful
all that was black and white.
still they made grey their color
its the starting point
when they started

*living life

no one but the demons
that kept me down.

drowning...

caressing me with darkness

that's all they can offer.

and with no hesitations.

i took it.

The whole thing

i'm just tired.
not giving up.
emotions mixing up.
they never left.

the temporary feelings.
they seemed to grow.
but not for good.
but they will be staying for a while.

i tried to stop them
yet they won't listen.
i tried to scream for help
but no one cared to listen.

morning dew was never visible anymore
but only night lights and cold breeze

the sun sets when i rose
from the deep sleep
and dinner is ready
i can smell it from here

midnight comes by so fast
why is it so quick the days have passed?

but it feels like time has stopped.

when i happen to see your face

when i feel your warm embrace

when i look at those eyes

Oh my... * you're such a blessing in *disguise

when things have crossed it lines

when you became mine...

all these things have been the favorite memories of *mine...

stumbling through words on how to explain
who he  is
what he looks like
how he walks
the way he talks

the way he looks at me
and say i love you
without any words

the way he smiles
and how it makes my ****** days
somehow special

the way he tries to be funny
since all his life he has been serious.

i love him

the way he looks himself at the mirror
the way he walks towards me

and the way he talks to me like its our first time meeting.

he got these amazing blank eyes that tells me so much about his world
that no one has ever discovered yet.

he got this beautiful mind full of words to explain his feelings but never able to use it.

he got this something...

that somehow...

*makes me fall in love even harder

words flowing through my head right now
looking through memories and scenes made up by my head.

the first moments we shared
first words we said
first small fight we had
first kiss and first..

hmmm....

now, here we are and looking through a window.

and only thing that's constant is our...

*i love you

i was never a poet.
never good with sharing what's in my head.
never really that kind of girl you can post about.

but i have unspoken words that my heart screams about,
but never by my mouth.

all i wanted you to hear,
are the meaning of every heartbeat
and every breath taken.